Once upon a time, I would have chosen emotional intimacy, but to have friends I thought I could share emotional moments with either rear back, shocked at my weakness in displaying my grief, theiir faces twisted with distaste and discomfort or have friends of a few years write me notes of undying friendship and closeness - until we graduated school, then even though we went to different colleges in the same town, began to act like strangers after a few months, as if our close friendship of years in high school couldn't and wouldn't translate to college, to have these same friends call me after a few years, apologize, tell me how much they care and miss me, make plans with me for the next weekend...then never show or call again or decide, after I shared the emotional heartache of being dumped by my lover with them, decide they wanted to remain 'neutral' in the breakup between me and my boyfriend has really embittered me.
Now, sadly, I have no friend in my everyday life with whom I can be emotionally intimate, to share dreams, hopes, joys and pains. They have all betrayed me or let me down in that department and so, I keep these feelings to myself and keep my friendship with them at a superficial, hanging out level.
As a child, I had looked forward to having close friends - the ones you read about in books and stories, saw on TV shows, the friends with you till the day you die, loyal, steadfast and true. I've tried hard my whole life to find that, to be that, but now...
I've shared more with all of you here on this board, than I have with any 'friend' in my life right now.