Hey everyone. I think my "Legacy of BBM" post last week took a little too much out of me because it's taken me almost a week to get back and introduce myself. I guess because I like to say what I mean and mean what I say that my posts tend to take me a long time to write. But maybe it's more that I care SO MUCH about this film that anything that's easy to say seems somehow inappropriate.
Firstly, the not-so-vital statistics: my name is Chris, aged 38, hetero-friendly, and I've been living in Melbourne Australia for the last 15 years. To be honest, I found my birth-city of Adelaide a bit depressing, mainly because that's where my immediate family live. Basically, I'm "out" to anyone who cares to ask and to all of my (mostly straight) friends, but feel no need to make an issue for anyone else. Somehow my family manages to make sure that the subject never comes up, even if I try, the poor dears (bless their cotton socks)!
Anyway, I've always believed that it is important to find your own happiness in life, to think for yourself and to be suspicious of advice. I remember thinking when I was around 12 years old (yes that early), "how could it be wrong to be gay when I don't feel wrong"? Although I instinctively knew there wasn't anything wrong with me, this didn't stop me from feeling different and alone, and this continued for the next 15 years until I finally became sick and tired of being unhappy and decided to give the scene a go. And what a revelation that was, or disappointment to be precise (you know where this is going don't you). What I found was an environment that was even less accepting than my Catholic high-school was (my parents wanted me to go to a good school even though we weren't Catholic). I mean, sheesh, come on, if you're part of a minority group the last thing you need is to make it more "minor" by getting all bitchy and judgemental! Surely we should be looking after each other yes? Anyway, it was at this time that I came to the conclusion that, in general, there's something seriously wrong with just about any group that you can apply a collective noun to. Ok, focus Chris, back to the introduction.
I guess this is the point where I tie in Brokeback Mountain. Here I am, content with my conclusion that the world is never going to be much more than a big, fat disappointment, and then this film comes into my life and my world is turned upside down. Not only does it absolutely knock my socks off in a way that I never expected or even thought possible, but I find that there is an ever-growing community of Brokaholics that share in this obsession. The early days after the first viewing BBM were hard to be sure, but somehow this was the most exquisite of tortures, and I wanted more. And then the realisation came of how much I had been damaging myself, having resigned myself to the fact that I didn't deserve to be outwardly happy, and that I thought that I was ok with just being inwardly happy. Here I thought I was a Jack, when in fact I was really an Ennis, terrified of being disappointed and still living by other people's rules.
I (and I expect many others) have been living in a dream and it's time to wake up. Everything is different now. But... Well I'd like to say that I know how to end this with a mission statement for how the 'new me' thinks and acts, but the only words that come to mind is that the angry-semi-conformist described above is no more. And this brings me back to my Legacy post. I really think that it's time that the world gets over its childish need to sit in judgement of itself and the people in it. I think it's also fair to say, even for the religious types, that moral judgement was never intended to be the prerogative of any human, and any attempt to do so is a sin in itself. But fear not, this is not me getting back on my soap box, crying out and making a scene about acceptance and tolerance. No, this is about me being ok with me, and giving myself permission to let the Ennis in me (with affection) take less of a controlling interest in my life.