Andrew,
It gives me some comfort knowing I'm not alone in this situation, and a bit disturbed too that we can still be caught in it despite how far we think our society has come.
It was both a relief and little uncomfortable watching the movie the first time. When it first came out and the hype started, I joined in with the rest of my friends in making fun of it and using the term "brokeback" as a derogative term. I'd never had the courage, despite my increasing curiousity, to watch the movie before it finally came on HBO last week. I made sure to tivo it and have watched it daily without fail.
The thing that got me was the parallels I drew from the movie that reflected my life. Many of the situations that Jack and Ennis found themselves in forced me to see myself there. I saw myself as Jack, outgoing and spry with a little less inhibition, and my... I don't even know what to call him, partner? as Ennis (I'll just refer to him as "My Ennis") who is more concerned with concealment and has a lot of emotional baggage.
We became friends through mutual friends and hung out with each other almost immediatley and frequently. Things culminated at a Halloween party where our passions finally exploded and took our friendship to another level. Had a physical confrontation early on about stupid stuff (but I think it was more deep-seated) that we both ended up in the hospital with stitches. We had somewhat of an intense reunion after he returned from living in Texas for a couple months. And I suggested making something a little more permanent, only to be rebuffed because of the kids. Seeing those things on screen happeneing to other guys made me squirm a little but still held my attention. Now I can honestly say that this is one of, if not my only, favorite movie. However I can't fathom admitting it to my circle of friends or family, not even to my Ennis who'll probably think I have an agenda for showing him the movie.
To answer your questions, no neither of us are married (he's divorced, I've never have) but he does have three children (range 7 to 15) that he adores to death. And we have gotten about as physical with each other as two people can. I'm afraid to say, and I know I'll be chastised for this, that we regularly engage in unsafe activities. This is something I'm even surprised at myself because I had never done without protection. But to me that says that we trust each other.
To clarify our status, we both consider ourselves bisexual. I have no other way to describe myself but as a commitment-phobe. I've had some lukewarm to semi-serious girlfriends in the past. Never anything that escalated to the point of discussing marriage. I think I'd always found a way to leave the relationship. And it's funny seeing myself typing that because even knowing that years ago in the middle of another relationship, I just went along with my gut instinct and would somehow mess up things up.
I had my first interaction with a man when I was 19. I'd always had a twinkle of attraction for guys before but never acted on it. And anything with other men never amounted to anything past the physical. I never established any kind of relationship, mostly because I was scared and didn't understand myself. Took a while to classify myself as bisexual... I'd always just said I was a sexual person, no prefix. That somehow was alright with me.
But now my Ennis came into my life... and for the first time in my life (I'm 32 now) I'm looking to the future, not scared of what will happen, but scared that it won't happen. It boggles my mind.
So getting back to the movie after my long-winded post, it really made me see that waiting for the opportunity to take the bull by the horns may never come... that it's now or never. But even then, it's still daunting.