The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
The Latest From The Onion
Marge_Innavera:
Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Been Praising Reagan
WASHINGTON—At a press conference Monday, visibly embarrassed leaders of the Republican National Committee acknowledged that their nonstop, effusive praise of Ronald Reagan has been wholly unintentional, admitting they somehow managed to confuse him with Dwight D. Eisenhower for years.
The GOP's humiliating blunder was discovered last weekend by RNC chairman Reince Priebus, who realized his party had been extolling "completely the wrong guy" after he watched the History Channel special Eisenhower: An American Portrait.
"When I heard about Eisenhower's presidential accomplishments—holding down the national debt, keeping inflation in check, and fighting for balanced budgets—it hit me that we'd clearly gotten their names mixed up at some point," Priebus told reporters. "I couldn't believe we'd been associating terms like 'visionary,' 'principled,' and 'bold' with President Reagan. That wasn't him at all—that was Ike."
"We deeply regret misattributing such a distinguished and patriotic legacy to Mr. Reagan," Priebus added. "We really screwed up."
Following his discovery, Priebus directed RNC staffers to inform top Republicans of the error and explain that it was Eisenhower, not Reagan, who carefully managed the nation's prosperity, warned citizens of the military-industrial complex's growing influence, and led the country with a mix of firm resolve and humble compassion
"Wait, you're telling me Reagan advocated that trickle-down nonsense that was debunked years ago? That was Reagan?" Sen. John Thune (R-SD) said upon hearing of the mistake. "I can't believe I've been calling for a return to Reagan's America. I feel like an asshole."
According to sources, millions of younger Republicans have spent most of their lives viewing Reagan a stalwart of conservative principles, and many were "horrified" to learn that the former president illegally sold weapons to Iran, declared amnesty for 2.9 million illegal immigrants, costarred in a movie with a chimpanzee, funneled aid to Islamic militants in Afghanistan, and suffered from severe mental problems.
In the wake of the GOP's revelation, Congress has passed bills to rename Reagan National Airport and the USS Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier in honor of Eisenhower. A number of potential 2012 Republican presidential contenders have also rushed to reframe their agendas in terms of "Eisenhower ideals" while distancing themselves from Reagan.
"It's absolutely mortifying to suddenly realize that the man you had long credited as a champion of fiscal conservatism actually tripled the national debt and signed the largest peacetime tax hike in U.S. history," said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, adding that he was ashamed to learn that the man he once called his hero stood by silently while the AIDS epidemic exploded. "Frankly, I can't even believe that fucker had the balls to call himself a conservative."
"But we must move beyond this mess and look ahead toward our country's future, a future much like the one envisioned by the great Ronald Reagan," Gingrich added. "Oh, sorry—force of habit."
The misplaced adulation of Reagan has reportedly affected more than just Republican rhetoric, and seems to have had an impact on policy. Former president George W. Bush told reporters he "honestly thought" everyone wanted him to follow in Reagan's footsteps, which led him to emulate the 40th president's out-of-control deficit spending, fealty to the super-rich, and illegal wars.
While the GOP's error has gone largely unnoticed by the American public, a number of citizens admitted to having been puzzled by Republicans' slavish celebration of Reagan during recent years.
"I never understood why everyone elevated him to the level of a party icon," said 89-year-old Nancy Reagan. "Ronnie was certainly sweet and I loved him very much, but let's face it, he was a terrible president."
Marge_Innavera:
Breaking news on the Onion News NetworK ("Report first -- ask questions later"): Does Obama Hate His Dog?
partial transcript:
from anchor Brooke Alvarez: President Obama cannot seem to shake the mounting rumors that he does not love his dog, Bo. They started three weeks ago on right-wing message boards, speculating as to why President Obama was so rarely photographed with the Portuguese water dog given to the First Family in 2009. The issue has become a favorite talking point on conservative radio programs, like the Wendell Max Show.
Wendell Mack: I've never seen him feed Bo, I've never seen him take Bo to the vet. My friends, if this man hates his own dog so much, if he refuses to play "fetch" with him in public, think how much he must hate the American people!
Alvarez: For some deep insight on this controversy in record time, let's take this over to First Responders, the fastest opinion generators on television.
[graphic and music, "First Responders"]
Alvarez: Okay, first responders, tell us what Obama should be doing differently here.
...
Bo on White House lawn
Not seen in public with Obama in over a year
for the rest of this news item, go to
http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-denies-accusations-he-does-not-love-his-dog,19252/
Marge_Innavera:
Governor Walker Should Be Flogged For His Inability To Control His Underlings
...
By T. Herman Zweibel, Publisher Emeritus
...
T. Herman Zweibel (photo c. 1911)
By any civilized measure, this should be a golden age for America. My editors inform me that the gap between rich and poor is the greatest in history, which is a comfort, as I wish the coal-smudged wretches as far from me as possible. So, too, are we in a vast recession, meaning I am allowed to appear fiscally pious and unusually virtuous as I refuse to share even a parcel of my staggering wealth with the less enriched. Best of all, the lack of spare spending-pennies among the general population has put every-one in such a foul demeanor that the good people of Georgia may soon pass a law decreeing that any woman over 13 who is not pregnant must be put to death, and about time, I say. Truly, it is a good time to sell news-papers, as people do lap up the repeated failures of their society like a dog its vomit.
But for one noxious exception: This governor of Wisconsin and his glaring impotence in constraining the state's wretched hirelings.
You may imagine my rage when I was informed that the Governor was facing down seventy thousands of angry state workers after informing them that they had lost their right to bargain for Union contracts! He allowed them to rise up like so many aspirational prairie-dogs, without fear of lashing, the gibbet, nor public humiliation! Wisconsin, as we all know, is a hinterland of ruddy-faced, venison-gnashing peasants, so naturally the in-ability of this man to rule there infuriated me so greatly that my iron dentures clashed together with a force sufficient to spot-weld them closed. We have come to a pretty pass in this country when common citizens feel they have the right to assemble in public and shout any God-damned thing they want!
Once I had been calmed and my jaws freed by my house dentrifice-monger, I discussed the matter of the Union workers with my solicitors. My first question, of course, was whether or not these Union toilers could be replaced with vastly less expensive workers under the Confederate model, but I was informed that for various complex reasons this may not be feasible for several years. I was much heartened by the news, however, that Walker was trying to drag the Union work-men down to the level of the average slobbering working person, which should be the goal of every Governor. After all, I would not build a lead-slurry plant in Wisconsin if I can pay the workers in New Jersey a few cents less, and unions make that very difficult. Therefore, if they care one whit about cheap and thank-less jobs, the 48 governors of this nation ought to be scrambling to see which state can beat its citizens into the most hopeless, miserable, and pathetic conditions possible. The governor with the most desperate citizens will then get all the lead-slurry plants and be hailed as a hero. That, as any news-paper will tell you, is how America works, God damn it!
Yet what little blood still seeps through my calcified and brittle veins was brought near to boiling when I was told that minions, lackeys, and servants were threatening to assemble publicly and make their opinions known in the neighboring cesspools of Ohio and Indiana. If this madness were to spread, the grotesque accumulation of capital I and my brother barons so cherish would be under some feeble threat. What would these workers demand next? A six-day work week? Nonsense!
I was quickly informed, however, that many of the plow-and-hammer types actually support their asparagus-spined governor, apparently from the impulse that it is easier to tear others down than to lift yourself up—a principle I wholly support, as it is the foundation upon which journalism and democracy are built.
So while this near-treasonous Governor should resign for slackening the customary iron grip on his state and allowing the common rabble to have a voice, I believe that this will be only a brief setback. The people of Wisconsin have been reasonable, civil, and articulate, I am told, despite the fact that many among them are mere laborers, and, what is even worse, teachers. And if there is one thing I have learned from my time on this God-forsaken Earth, it is that reasonable, civil, and intelligent people have not left much of a mark on history.
Now, get back to work!
http://www.theonion.com/articles/governor-walker-should-be-flogged-for-his-inabilit,19309/
Marge_Innavera:
from Brooke Alvarez at the Onion News Network:
"Congress has passed a bill naming incomprehensible shouting as the official language of the United States."
Click on image to view video
Marge_Innavera:
(Note: this is a departure from "News from The Onion", but in view of the tragic events in Japan, I felt it was more appropriate for this thread than the "Current Events" thread about it.)
From News Corpse: if you see this map on TV again, take it with a grain of salt.
"Fox News displayed this graphic in a report on Japan’s nuclear power facilities. The problem is that there is no reactor in 'Shibuyaeggman.' In fact, there is no Shibuyaeggman. Now that would be bad enough, but Media Matters investigated further and discovered that 'Eggman' is the name of a dance club in a trendy neighborhood of Tokyo called… 'Shibuya.' ”
The author of the piece noted that both FOX and Rachel Maddow had been taken in by a Pakistani version of The Onion, and this might be from the same source. (When I first saw the map, I thought the name looked like "Sheboygan.")
Google cache here: http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:MmWJAu55c04J:nation.foxnews.com/campus/2011/03/13/pakistan-islamic-clerics-protest-women-wearing-padded-bras-devil-s-cushions&cd=2&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&source=www.google.com
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version