The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
dot-matrix:
A blonde's car breaks down on the motorway one day. So she eases it over
onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk . Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle
where they stand facing the oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats
and exposing their naked bodies.Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history
of this highway, occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling : "What the heck is going on here ?"
"My car broke down," says the blonde calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road ?" asks the cop.
And she said, ::)
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers !!" :laugh:
dot-matrix:
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See, men just don't listen !
Kerry:
pettifogger:
One dark night outside a small town in Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000.00 to the fire department thatbrings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Mundare Rural Township Volunteer Fire Department, composed mainly of Ukrainian men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little rundown fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleeker engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never before witnessed in the area. Within a short time, the Mundare Ukrainians had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.00, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly Ukrainian firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Metro Sputski, the 70 year old fire chief, "Da furst ting ve gonna do is feex da brakes on dat focking truck!!!"
dot-matrix:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
As answered by some well-known people:
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
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