Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

One night a burgler is trying to break into a house. He’s sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice – “Jesus is watching you !” He jumps, turns around but he doesn’t see anything, so he starts creeping across the lawn again. He hears it again, “Jesus is watching you.” So now the burgler is really looking around and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the

house. He says to the parrot, “Did you say that?” The parrot answers, “Yes I did.” So the burgler asks, “What’s your name?”

The parrot says, “ Clarence.”

The burgler says, “What kind of stupid idiot would name a parrot “Clarence ?” The parrot laughs and says, “The same
stupid idiot that named the Rottweller ‘Jesus’ “

[dot-matrix]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resouces Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT,

“What starting salary were you thinking about?”

The engineer said; “ In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said;

“Well what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say a red Corvette ?”

The engineer sat up straight and said, “ Wow ! Are you kidding?

The interviewer said, “Yeah, but you started it.”

[Dagi]

“Children are Gift from God.” Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.” [/b]

 

[Kerry]

[Shasta542]

 




This little list isn't really comedy, but I thought I'd post it here anyway. A couple of them are kinda funny--the ones about the tattoos and the buckets.


"THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY"

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.


2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his  tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins. The old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4  AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES
running around with tattoos and perky silicone filled breasts? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

[Sharon]

Awww Dottie, I see you are busy as always!

Hey Kerry, great to see you!

[Sharon]

Never Fly Faster Than Your Angel Can Fly!

[Shasta542]

Susie---I may be wrong--as I often am , but I think it's a take-off of the saying/warning, "Never drive faster than your angel can fly." But on this one---both are flying. Hmmm? Maybe?

[Shasta542]

Brilliant list Shasta!  And some really sound advice too!  This one really tickled me 7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. .... so true!! 

Susie 

Friend!!

[Shasta542]

   Good ones, SB! I will be adding those to the "Quotes" section in my documents!