Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

The new gay prostitute just finished his first trick. When he came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

He said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome blond marine."

"What did he want to do?" they all asked.

"I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much.

"So I told him a BJ would be $75, but he didn't have that much either.

"Finally I said, 'Well, how much do you have?' The marine said that he only had $25."

The new guy said, "Well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job."

The marine agreed and after getting the finances straight, the new guy said, "He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and both his hands were on it....."

"OMG!" they all exclaimed. "It must have been huge! Then what did you do?"

"I smiled and licked my lips and I loaned him $75!" he said.

[dot-matrix]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's
deputy. He thinks he is smarter than the deputy, because he
is a lawyer from New York and is certain he has a better
education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove
this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, " What for ?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says , " I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License
and registration please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference >"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
stop. That's the law. License and registration please."
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give
me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his night-stick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop or just slow down ?"

[dot-matrix]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and
jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down
next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who never-the-less
started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his
mouth and said, "Do you Australian folks eat the whole loaf ?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed at being bothered during his
breakfast, and replied, " Yes, of course ."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect, recycle them, transform
them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face, the Aussie listened in silence.
The American persisted, "Do you eat jam with the bread ?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Yes." Cracking his gum between
his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we have fresh
fruit for breakfast, we collect all the peels, seeds and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into Jam and sell it to
Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States ?"
The American smiled and said, "Of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer and asked, "What do you do with the
condoms once you've used them ?"

"We throw them away, of course, replied the American. Now it was
the Australian's turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.
That's why they are called Wrigleys !!"

[dot-matrix]

"A Woman's Title."


A woman, renewing her driver's license at the Motor Registration
office, was asked by the counter clerk to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the counter clerk,
"do you have a job or are you just a ...?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.
"I'm a Mum."

"We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"
Said the clerk emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
same situation, this time at our own Medicare office.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and
possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or
"Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air and
looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant
words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement
was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,
"just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).

I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the
whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the
humanities, (any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).


But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as
she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me
to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new
career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.



I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just
another Mum." Motherhood!

What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers
"Senior Research associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations?"


And great grandmothers
"Executive Senior Research Associates?"
I think so!!

I also think it makes Aunts
"Associate Research Assistants."

[dot-matrix]

There were two nuns. One was known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
and the other was known as Sister Logical (SL)

It was getting dark and they were still far from the convent.
SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL : It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM : Oh no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What can we do ?"

SL : The only logical thing to do of course, is to walk faster,
SM : It's not working.

SL : Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So what will we do ? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL : The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM : Sister Logical, Thank God you are here. Tell me what
happened.

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both, so he followed me.
SM : Yes. Yes. But what happened then ?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And .

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear, What did you do ?

SL : The only logica thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister. What did the man do ?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM : Oh. no. What happened then ?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down.

And for all those of you who thought it would be dirty - -
Say two Hail Marys !!

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

Warning!  These are both equally politically incorrect! 

Sense of humour required before progressing beyond this point! 

[dot-matrix]

One day the US President's wife died and went to Heaven.
When she got there she was met by St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates.

She saw lots of clocks, all moving at different speeds. She asked
St Peter about them.

He replied, "They are lie clocks and the hands tick every time
a person lies."
She saw one that had only moved twice and St Peter told her
that it was Mother Theresa's clock. Then she saw one that had
moved eight times. St Peter told her it was George Washington's
clock.

Then she asked "Where's George's clock ?" to which St Peter
replied, "It's in my office. I use it as a ceiling fan !!"

[dot-matrix]

An Australian dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible
man throughout his life and even the devil wanted to punish
him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge-
hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the
humidity. :Love my kingdom," laughs the devil.

After a couple of days the devil checks in on his victim to see
he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he looks at
the Aussie happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy
tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand
this. I turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks
. . . why are you so happy ?"

The Aussie, smiling, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great !
It reminds me of January in Australia. Hot, humid, a good place
to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic !"

The devil extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Aussie's
remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down
driving rain and torrential wind. Soon hell is a wet muddy mess.
Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing in his eyes, the
Aussie is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheel-
barrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such conditions.
The Aussie replies, " This is great. Just like September in Darwin.
It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting."

The devil is now completely baffled. Angry and desperate to make
hell really hell, he gives it one last ditch effort. He makes the
temperature plummet. Suddenly, hell is blanketed in snow and ice.
Confident that this will surely make the Australian unhappy, the
devil checks in on him.

He is aghast at what he sees. The Aussie is dancing, singing and
twirling his sledge- hammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy ? Don;t you know it's 40 below zero ?"

Jumping up and down, the Aussie throws a snowball at the devil
and yells, "Hell's frozen over !! This means that the Wallabies
won the World Cup !!"