Kerry's Komedy Klub

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A Roman Catholic priest, anxious to be friends
with his counterparts in the Church of Scotland,
invited a neighboring minister to have tea at his house.

When the minister arrived, he was shown into a very
tastefully furnished drawing room, with a fitted
carpet, soft and comfortable chairs, and fine pictures
on the walls.

"My goodness," declared the visiting minister, "You
priests certainly do yourselves well."

The priest smiled, "Ah, yes, " he nodded, "You may have
the better halves, my friend ~~ but we have the better
quarters."

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Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking
up. A blonde walks by and asked what they are doing.

Paddy : "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but
we don't have a ladder."

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts
and laid the flagpole down.

She pulled out a tape measure from her pocket, took a few
measurements and announced that it was six metres. She
then walked off.

Mick : "Ain't that just like a blonde. We need the height and
she gives us the length."

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The Male and Female of Household Objects

FREEZER BAGS : They are male, because they hold every-
thing in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS : These are female, because once turned
off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
are pushed, but can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES : Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are
often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS : Also a male object, because to get them
to go any where you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES : these are female, because they are soft and sqeezable
and retain water.

WEB PAGES : Female, because they're constantly being looked
at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS : Definitely male, because they always use the same old
lines for picking up people,

EGG TIMERS : They are female, because over time all the weight
shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS : Male, because in the last 5000 years they have
hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL " Female. Ha, you probably thought it
would be male, but consider this; It easily gives a man pleasure.
He'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which
buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

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If my body was a car, this is the time I woud be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull . . .
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns
inefficiently.

But that's not the worst of it ~ ~ ~

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter ~ ~ ~ either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires !

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A doctor was fuming when he finally reached his seat at a civic
dinner, after breaking away from a woman who sought his advice
on a personal health problem.

"Do you think I should send her a bill ?" he asked a solicitor who
sat next to him.
"Why not ?" the solicitor replied. "You rendered professional
service by giving her advice."

"Thanks," the physician said, "I think I'll do that."
When the doctor went to his surgery next day to send the bill
to the woman, he found a letter from the solicitor.
It read, "For legal services, $50."

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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me,"

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do ?"

God said, "Go down into that valley.

Adam said, "What's a valley ?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river ?"

God explained it to him, and then said, "Go over the hill."

Adam said, "What is a hill ?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.

Adam said, "What's a cave ?"

After God explains, He said, "In the cave, you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman ?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then God said, "I want you to reproduce.

Adam said, "How do I do that ?"

God first said (under His breath) ?Geez , . . ."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.

So Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman. Then in about five minutes he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now ?"

And Adam asked, "What's a headache ?"