Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Dagi]

The Male and Female of Household Objects

HOT AIR BALLOONS : Also a male object, because to get them
to go any where you have to light a fire under their butt.


HAMMERS : Male, because in the last 5000 years they have
hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL " Female. Ha, you probably thought it
would be male, but consider this; It easily gives a man pleasure.
He'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which
buttons to push, he just keeps trying.[/color]

They are all good, but I especially loved these three!

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.'

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,

'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.'

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to

'Catatonics and High Colonics.'

No go. Next, they tried

'Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.'

Thumbs down again. Then came

'Minds and Behinds.'

Still no good. Another attempt resulted in

'Lost Souls and Butt Holes.'

Unacceptable again! So they tried

'Analysis and Anal Cysts.'

Not a chance.

'Nuts and Butts?'

No way.

'Freaks and Cheeks?'

Still no go.

'Loons and Moons?'

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.'

Everyone loved it.

[Kerry]

[Dagi]

I love Calvin and Hobbes. Bill Watterson sure knows what he´s talking about.

[underdown]

Hmmmmm ..... 

Hmmmmm ..... 

Seems a lot of hmmmming is building up. 

It's that healthy M/F competitive spirit ...... 


Rob

[dot-matrix]

The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper
on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention.

"Your roof needs repair, Father," she said. "Your water pressure
is bad and your furnace is not working.:

"Now, Mrs. Kelly," the priest allowed, "you've been the house-
keeper here five years, and I've only been here a few days. Why
not say our roof and our furnace ?"

Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting with the
bishop and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office
terribly upset. "Father, Father," she blurted, "there's a mouse
in our room and it's under our bed !!"

oops 

[dot-matrix]

Where to Retire in the USA . . . .

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where . . .

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know what "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open the oven door.
5. The 4 seasons are : tolerable, hot. really hot, and ARE YOU
KIDDING ME ??"

You can live in California where . . .

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a
house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them
how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles
away it is.
6. The four seasons are : fire, flood, mud, and drought.

You can live in New York City where . . .

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean
Manhattan.
2. You can get into a 4 hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin
on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
4. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where . . .

1. You have only 4 spices : salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than 8 buttons.
5. The 4 seasons are : winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You can live in the deep South where . . .

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killing" is a valid defence.
4. Everyone has 2 first names : Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue,
Betty Jean, Mary Beth etc.

You can live in Colorado where . . . .

1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and
he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where . . .

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your
name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say,
" It was different !"

or You can live in Florida where . . .

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind . . . even houses
and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[underdown]

Hmmmmmm Rob....  If you're referring to my Hmmmmmm! ... I'm the wife of a golfer .. and if it was a choice between me or the golf clubs ... I wouldn't like to put bets on which one of us he'd save first!!   

Susie

 

Hmmmmmm, well, that might be a sure bet, Susie.   



Oh.  YOU of course ... (remember the joke about object genders and the remote). 

Hey, that's a thought. Ask him for some golf jokes to put in here, hmmm?
There must be lots of those. (I know only a couple).

hmmmmmmm (drat, there's a bee in here somewhere).