The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
dot-matrix:
A blonde walks into an electrical appliance store and says to
the clerk, "I want to buy that T V over there."
He says in return, "I'm sorry, we don't sell stuff to blondes."
Next day, she comes in with red hair and says, "I want to
buy that T V over there."
He says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell things to blondes."
Next day she come in with brown hair and says, "I want to buy
that T V over there."
He says, "I'm sorry, but we don't sell things to blondes."
Frustrated she says, "How do you know I'm a blonde ?"
He replies, " That's not a T V . It's a microwave."
dot-matrix:
A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she
lays the duck on the examination table the vet pulls out his stethoscope
and listens to the duck's chest for signs of life.
After a few moments the vet shakes his head and turns to the woman and says sadly, "I'm
sorry but the duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wails, "Are
you sure?"
Yes of course I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replies."
How can you be so sure?" she protests. "I mean you haven't done any testing
- he might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolls his eyes and leaves the room. He returns with a black
Labrador. As the duck's owner looks in amazement, the dog stands on his
hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs the
duck from top to bottom. He then looks at the vet and with sad eyes
shakes his head.The vet pats the dog on the head and takes him out and
returns a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumps up on the table and also sniffs the duck from its beak to its tail at
the back end and back again. The cat sits and shakes its head and meows softly, jumps
down from the examination table and strolls out of the examination room.
The vet looks at the woman and says, "I am sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turns to his computer terminal and after hitting a few keys a
bill is printed off, which he hands to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, takes the bill. "£450!" she cries.
"£450 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugs. "If you had accepted my word for it,
the bill would have been only £30. But with the lab report and the cat
scan - it all adds up."
Kerry:
dot-matrix:
underdown:
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.
'When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
'I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. Now, what is it you wish to ask?'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm a jew.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Dave and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'
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