The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes

Kerry's Komedy Klub

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underdown:
3 men into heaven

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'

underdown:

Comprehending Engineers
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit,"

dot-matrix:
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND


10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5 The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4 Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women

dot-matrix:
The doctor had just finished examining the very attractive
young girl.

Doctor : "Have you been going out with men Miss Jones ?"

Miss Jones : "Oh no, doctor, never !"

Doctor : "Are you sure ? Bearing in mind that I have now
examined the sample you sent, do you still say you've never
had anything to do with men ?"

Miss Jones : "Quite sure doctor. Can I go now ?"

Doctor : "No."

Miss Jones : "Why not ?"

Doctor : "Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival
of the Three Wise Men."

dot-matrix:
After having their eleventh child, an Irish couple decided
that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went t the doctor and told him that he
and hs wife didn't want to have any more children. The
doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home and get a firework,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to ten.

The husband said, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, Doctor, but I don't see how putting a firework in a
beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held it up to his ear and began to count : "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"
at which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

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