Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland
asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor ?"

"Of course. What may I do for you ?" asked the priest.

"Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer that is well over
the Customs Limits, and I'm afraid they will confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for
me ? Under your robes perhaps....

"I would love to help you my dear, but I must warn you,
I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her.

The official asked, " Father, do you have anything to
declare ?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing
to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on
a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter. the official said, " Go ahead, Father!
Next !!"
 

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

Famous Sayings

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Dublin, and says to the first man he meets, ...

- Do you want to go to heaven

The man said ...

- I do Father !!!

The priest said, ...

- Then stand over there against the wall !!!

Then the priest asked the second man ...

- Do you want to got to heaven

- Certainly, Father !!! ... was the man's reply.

Then stand over there against the wall !!! ... said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said ...

- Do you want to go to heaven

O'Toole said ...

- No, I don't Father !!!

The priest said, ...

- I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven

O'Toole said ...

- Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go RIGHT NOW !!!

[underdown]

What did one flea say to the other......... ?

'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

[underdown]

A little boy went to church very sad cause his pet dog had died.

When he told the minister what had happened the minister said, 'Yes it's very sad, but don't worry your pet dog will be waiting for you in heaven.'

The little boy was surprised and said......'What does God want with dead dogs?'

[underdown]

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

Because, even then, men wouldn't stop and ask for directions! .....

[underdown]

What happened to Lot's wife?..... She was a pillar of salt by day and a  ball of fire by night!