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Kerry's Komedy Klub

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Kerry:

dot-matrix:
Revised Company Policy

Dress Code:
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

dot-matrix:
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
came to his repeated knocks at the door.

So he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back
of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found his
card had been returned. Added was this cryptic message "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door & knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, " I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
for I was naked."

dot-matrix:
A few one liners
 
I do not know what your problem is, but I bet it is hard to
pronounce.

How about never ? Is never good for you ?

I see you have set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

I am really very easy to get along with once you people learn
to see it my way.

I don't work here, I am a consultant.

I like you ~~ you remind me of myself when I was young and
stupid.

You are validating my inherent distrust of strangers.

Do I look like a people person to you ?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Errors have been made. Others will be punished.

Ahhh . . . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

dot-matrix:
Quotes from famous mothers ~ ~ ~

Batman's mother : It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you
realize how much the insurance will be ?

Goldilock's mother : I've got a bill here for a busted chair
from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?

Albert Einstein's mother : But Albert, it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair ? Styling gel, mousse,
something . . . ?

Mary's mother : I'm not upset that the lamb followed
you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got
a better grade than you !!

Little Miss Muffet's mother : Well, all I've got to say is if you
don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room. there'll
be a lot more spiders around here.

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