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Kerry's Komedy Klub

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TXdoug:
 :laugh:      :laugh:       :laugh:

Kerry:

dot-matrix:
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he
was going to ask the congregation to come up with
more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been
brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But you'll have to think of something to play after
I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty;
the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can
pledge $100 or more, please stand up.

At that moment, the substitute organist played
"The Star Spangled Banner,"

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.!!

dot-matrix:
Reasons why English is so hard to understand.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he could get the lead out of his feet.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought
it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum..

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14, A seamstress and a sewer fell down the sewer.

15. To help him with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

17. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

18. Upon seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend.

dot-matrix:
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding . . . .
Older Lady : Is there a problem, Officer ?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Lady : Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Lady : Oh, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one ?
Older Lady : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see. . . Can I see your vehicle registration please ?
Older Lady : I can't do that.
Officer : Why not ?
Older Lady : I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it ?
Older Lady : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what ?
Older Lady : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his
car to call for back-up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.

Officer 2 : Ma'am, Could you step out of the vehicle please? The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Lady : Is there a problem sir ?
Officer 2 : One of my officers told me you had stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Lady : Murdered the owner ?
Officer 2 : Yes, could you please open the trunk of the car please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am ?
Older Lady : Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2 : One of my officers claims you don't have a driving license.

The woman digs in her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
He examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Lady : Bet that liar told you I was speeding too.

Moral : Don't mess with Old Ladies!  ;D

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