The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
dot-matrix:
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she's in heat."
What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.
dot-matrix:
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is
the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on
the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, barfed in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone,
I'm married!"
a self-induced hangover - $100.00
broken furniture - $200.00
breakfast - $10.00
saying the right thing - priceless
dot-matrix:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twerp, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
dot-matrix:
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -
a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral!"
TXdoug:
Merry Christmas in OZ !!!!, Kerry :)
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