The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
dot-matrix:
Gentle thoughts for today
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my
mouth...AMEN. .!!
dot-matrix:
A minister and a lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"replied the lawyer.
"What do you do ?"
The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say "the devil is the father of all liars,"
but instead I said "the devil is the father of all lawyers," so I let it go.
dot-matrix:
A man is getting into the shower as his wife gets out when the doorbell
rings. After arguing for a few seconds about who should answer the
doorbell, the wife gives up and wraps herself in a towel and runs down
the stairs.
When she opens the door, there stood Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop the towel
you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops the towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom,
her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that ?"
"It was Bob, our neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
dot-matrix:
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
bloke says to the other. "I can't help but think, from listening to you
that you are from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first bloke says, :So am I !. And where about in Ireland might
you be ?"
The other bloke answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first bloke responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what
street did you live io in Dublin ?"
The other bloke says, " A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary St.
in the old central part of town."
The first bloke says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what
school would you have been going ?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first bloke gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me when
did you graduate ?"
The other bloke answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first bloke exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us !
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary' in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another bloke walks into the bar, sits down, and orders
a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's
going to be a long night, tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
dot-matrix:
Defense Counsel : Will you please state your age ?
Little Old Lady : I am 86 years old.
Defense counsel : Will you please tell us in your own words,
what happened the bight of April 1st ?
Little Old Lady : There I was sitting in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Counsel : Did you know him ?
Little Old Lady : No, but he was friendly.
Defense Counsel : What happened after he sat down ?
Little Old Lady : He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Counsel : Did you try to stop him ?
Little Old Lady : No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Counsel : Why not ?
Little Old Lady : It felt good. Nobody had done that since my
Abner died, some thirty years ago.
Defense Counsel : What happened next ?
Little Old Lady : He began to rub my breasts.
Defanse Counsel : Did you stop him then ?
Little Old Lady : No, I did not stop him.
Defense Counsel : Why not ?
Little Old Lady : His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense Counsel : What happened next ?
Little Old Lady : Well, by then, I was feeling 'spicy' so I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me."
Defense Counsel : Did he take you ?
Little Old Lady : Hell no. He just yelled, "April Fool' And
that's when I shot the little ba****d.
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