Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Things My Mother Taught Me.


My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside, I've
just finished cleaning."

She taught me religion.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet young lady."

My mother taught me about time travel.
"If you don't behave I'll knock you into next week."

She taught me about logic.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me foresight.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

She taught me irony.
"Keep laughing and I'll giveyou something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

She taught me about being a contortionist.
"Will youlook at all the dirt on the back of your neck."

My mother taught me about stamina.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

She taught me about the weather.
"It looks like a tornado went through here."

My mother taught me about hyperbole.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate."

She taught me about behaviour modification.
"Stop acting like your father."

[Kerry]

I saw a fascinating program on television recently about the Log Cabin Republicans, a gay political organisation in America. It inspired me to look them up on the internet, where I found some extremely interesting information about Abraham Lincoln!        

 

[Kerry]

Yee-Haw! All-new, original cartoons by yours truly have been posted at my Webshots  page, in the Cartoons 2008  album. More pics have also been posted in the Paintings  album.

To be the first kid on your block to see them, click here:

http://community.webshots.com/user/kez4oz

Here's a preview:

[dot-matrix]

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Dagi]

Great jokes, Dottie! Post more cartoons, Kerry, please!

[dot-matrix]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher approached the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.


Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[dot-matrix]

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 2005 return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see that
the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers and NASA buys $600.00 toilet seats.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400.) and six hammers (value
$1029.), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips
Head Screw (article from USA To! day detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5"
Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Patriotic Taxpayer 

[Kerry]

[Dagi]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher approached the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.


Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

 

[dot-matrix]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.