Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

GIRLS NIGHT OUT........................

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
undies and use them.


Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of undies that
she did not want to ruin, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a big ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use
the ribbon. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet
and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, 'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop. I'm
starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no undies!'
'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with
a card stuck in her ass that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station
We'll never forget you. '

[Kerry]

lol.....with a tool like that.....there is hope for the monarchy after all.......

Haha - Prince Harry certainly has Royal Stuart blood from him mother, Princess Diana. I'm not sure how much Windsor blood he has, though! 

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

A rich man living in Darwin (Aus) decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his
mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said,
'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you
want?





Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in the
pool.'

[Kerry]

The Pope recently visited Sydney for World Youth Day. 

There was a huge selection of souvenirs available from the official souvenir tent outside St Mary's Cathedral in Hyde Park, catering for the thousands of pilgrims who flocked to Sydney from all over the world. In competition to the formal merchandise, however, a group of feminists, gay activists and pro-choice advocates put out their own range of souvenirs. This is my favourite item from their catalogue.   

   

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

A major International company was looking to



hire someone for an important position,



so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down

to three people from different parts of the world.

 In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same

question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. 

The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.

 What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada, says

'My answer is, there IS no answer.'




The second, from New Zealand, says

'My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.'





The third one, from Australia, says

'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.

 It's either:

Willie Turner or Willie Naylor.'

The Australian got the job...
 




 

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
 
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
 
The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
 
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
 
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
 
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
 
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
 
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
 
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[Katie77]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, ( looking up.)

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the f-'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a f-'n ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.  She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!      We need the f-'n height   -  and she gives us the f-'n length.'


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