The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
dot-matrix:
The Confession
Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, Tom Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I'm sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy , and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"
Tom walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."
dot-matrix:
Mental Health Hotline
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot line.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.
David In Indy:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Kerry:
How many times do I have to tell you, sweetheart, there's no such thing as an undetectable toupee?! :P
However, this one comes pretty close! :D
Kerry:
I absolutely adore this pic. It reminds me of Jack & Ennis somehow. :D Jack on the right and Ennis on the left. :-* :-*
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