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Kerry's Komedy Klub

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dot-matrix:
This guy goes skydiving for the first time.After he jumps out of
the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing
happens.Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the
auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still
does not appear.  As he is plummeting toward the Earth,
he sees a woman coming up the other way. 

He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" 

"No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"
:o

dot-matrix:
Letter From The Penis


Dear Management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1- I do physical labor
2- I work at great depths
3- I plunge head first into everything I do
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off
5- I work in a damp environment
6- I don't get paid overtime
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8- I work in high temperatures
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases

I think if you consider these points carefully you will agree I am due an increase in compensation.

Very Truly Yours
The Penis


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1- You can not work 8 hours straight
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5- You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
7- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear
8- You will retire well before you are 65
9- You are unable to work double shifts
10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task
11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely,
The Management

dot-matrix:
Life's Reflections


1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
 
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
 
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

Kerry:

Kerry:

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