Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

And for the grand finally

10. If its broken, it's yours.

[dot-matrix]

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date,
Peggy Sue. Harold is a pretty hip guy with his own car and a
duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's
mother aswers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue is not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold politely replies that they will probably just go to the
ice cream shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and
screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother. "We know Peggy Sue likes to
screw. Why she'd screw all night if we let her !"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately
he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later,
Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her
saddle shoes, and announces she is ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date
out the front door while Mum is saying, "Have a good evening
kids." With a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue
rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and
screams at her mother, "Dammit, Mum. The Twist !! The
Twist!! It's called the Twist !!!?

[dot-matrix]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Jim suddenly jumped in at the deep end. He sank to the
bottom and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. .
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as
she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is tou're being discharged since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient, so I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness.

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his dressing gown belt right after you saved him.
I am sorry but he is dead."

Edna replied, " Oh he didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home ?"

[dot-matrix]

Dog Circus

[Kerry]

I might sound like a broken record, but I have to say it again: Kerry, you are brilliant!

Dagi

Thank ya kindly, Dagi. 

[dot-matrix]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh ?" She says, "62 kilos."
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 70 kg.

The nurse asks, "Your height ?" "5ft 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4"

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high !" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender !
Now I'm short and fat !!"

[dot-matrix]

some fun questions - - -

If the sky is the limiit, then what is space, over the limit?

Are marbles made out of marble ?

When French people swear do they say Pardon my English?

Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the
leftovers from the people who got there first ?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse ?

"Cute as a button." Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Can you get cornered in a round room ?

Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother-in-law, they come out to Woman Hitler ?

How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play ?

[Kerry]

Meanwhile, in the chat room . . . . .

[Katie77]

Do they ever forget?

 
   
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one  is truly interesting...
 
 
 
 
 
In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating  from Northwestern University.
 
 On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very  carefully.
 
 He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large  piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
 
 As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.   
 
The  elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,  stared at him for several tense moments.
 
 Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually  the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot  that elephant or the events of that day.
 
Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo  with his teenaged son.
 
 As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and  walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground,  then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly,  all the while staring at the man.
 
 Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was  the same elephant.
 
Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and  made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre's legs  and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing  him instantly.
 
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
 
 
 
 

[Katie77]

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three universities, were attending
their first class on emotional extremes.

'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the
student from Oxford University, 'What is the opposite of joy?'
'Sadness' said the student.

'And the opposite of depression?' he asked the young lady from the
Cambridge. 'Elation,' she said..

'And you, sir,' he said to the student from Dublin University, 'How
about the opposite of woe?'

The student replied, 'I believe that would be giddy up'.