Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

A mother and her young son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney. The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

 

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.


So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was busy serving drinks. She smiled and asked, 'Did your mum tell you to ask me?' The boy answered 'Yes, she did'. 'Well then, you go and tell your mum that there are no baby airplanes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Have your mum explain that to you.

 


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[Katie77]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

'That's it', he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.'

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try'.

'That's no good', sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help'.

'He may be a hundred and three', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'.

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. ‘Did you see the ball’?

'Of course I did !', says the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight'.

'Where did it go?', asks Arthur.

'I don't remember'

[Katie77]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

[louisev]

Hey, Kerry,

A little bird told me you are a big fan of Vladimir Putin.  Here is a recent shot of him rearing his head over Alaska, according to Sarah Palin.

[Kerry]

Hey, Kerry,

A little bird told me you are a big fan of Vladimir Putin.  Here is a recent shot of him rearing his head over Alaska, according to Sarah Palin.

I liked Vladimir a couple of years ago, Louise, when he was being very huggy-kissy pro-West.    He seems to have turned into a tyrant since then and I found the Time magazine Man of the Year cover article last year quite chilling in places.    He didn't come across as a very nice person in that article.    However, having said that, and to be brutally honest with you (just between us  -  promise you won't tell), I still wouldn't say "No!" if he wanted to put his slippers under my bed!        

P.S., Geography was never my forte, but didn't Russia once own Alaska? 

[Katie77]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns & toast for $1.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars & forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife  replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once! 

                                                     

[Katie77]

Will I Be 80

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him 'Do you think I will live to be 80?'
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'
'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.
'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you give a shit?


 
 
 

 
 

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well, one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10
glorious years. After awhile when she didn't return, he went looking and
found her. She had been shot. Dead!
 
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided
that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady
eagles available, he'd have to cross the feather barrier.  So he flew off to
find a new mate.
 
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love!
I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and
flew off once more to find a mate.
 
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the  nest.
Again, the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I  am a LOON, I want
to spoon! I am a LOON, I want
to spoon!'.  So out with the loon.  Once more he flew off to find a mate.
 
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the
duck would say was....
 
 
 
 
No, the duck didn't say THAT !!
 
 
 
Don't be SO disgusting!!!
 
 
 
 
The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE, you've made a MISTAKE !

[Katie77]

Captured by terroists

 

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .  Nothing Is

Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the

hold Up?'

 

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey,

Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.  They are asking for a $10

Million ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set

them on fire.  We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

 

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

 

'About a gallon.'