BetterMost, Wyoming & Brokeback Mountain Forum
Our BetterMost Community => BetterMost People => Topic started by: Kelda on July 23, 2007, 04:56:34 pm
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I've always thought and I've mentioned before that it would be useful to start a thread on how to deal with children and teenagers who think they may be gay.. I think this is however best suited for the safe haven.
So, while I am not in a great position to talk about this having no children on my own (although I have three young nieces) I thought this may be z good idea for a thread. I'm going to pose some questions and people can move the thread from there.
- How to deal with young childrens innocent questions about race, gay relationships, disabilities etc etc
- My 9 year old niece is already a very image conscious little girl.. and at that age these days they are already aware of their weight - how to deal with this?
- The terrible twos or threes?
- bullying - dealing with children who are bullying or being bullied?
EDIT: We began talking on another topic (What we all do for a living) about how to discipline children and this discussion is also now included in the thread.
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A lot of people here have mentioned they were bullied as a child - I was bullied in my primary school years (when I was about 9 or 10). And it was horrible.
My mother always reminded me of this rhyme..
"Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me".. but of course they do. A lot.
And you could only use that little rhyme to the bullies unitl you were about 7 years old and then that became reundant because you'd get teased for using that rhyme too.
Having said that - the bullying I believe made me who I am today - someone who has thick skin and tries to take as little sh*t as possible from anyone before politely putting them in their place. And I'll stick up for others too... but its hard to imagine that you will come through the bullying when you are right there in the middle of it at the time.
Luckily for me it was name calling - never ever physical.
What would be your tips to a child being bullied today?
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Luckily for me it was name calling - never ever physical.
For me it was name calling too. I was made fun of in school by other students because of my hearing disability. There was a small group who would crack silly jokes at my expense, mostly about the way I mispronounced words and such. However, I had a good network of friends who always came in my defense. I defended myself pretty well but sometimes I didn't hear them. And also my sister punched a lot of them too. Some members of that group were actually afraid of her. She was my bodyguard, LOL. But I never let that get to me. I just lived my life.
The problem with me is that my disability is not very evident. I speak rather well so unless you have experience with people like me, it's hard to notice. So, whenever I make a speech or understanding mistake some people think I either don't speak the language or I'm stupid. I do tell I am hard of hearing, but not always. Not because I want to pretend I'm not deaf but because I don't see why i have to wear a sign saying: Beware: I don't hear very well. Also, most of the time I get along just fine, but there are people that do not move their lips clearly or speak too fast or too slow or too low or too loud (yes too loud makes it hard for me to understand), so then I inform them about my problem and tell them the best way for them to get me understand whatever they're saying.
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For me it was name calling too. I was made fun of in school by other students because of my hearing disability. There was a small group who would crack silly jokes at my expense, mostly about the way I mispronounced words and such. However, I had a good network of friends who always came in my defense. I defended myself pretty well but sometimes I didn't hear them. And also my sister punched a lot of them too. Some members of that group were actually afraid of her. She was my bodyguard, LOL. But I never let that get to me. I just lived my life.
The problem with me is that my disability is not very evident. I speak rather well so unless you have experience with people like me, it's hard to notice. So, whenever I make a speech or understanding mistake some people think I either don't speak the language or I'm stupid. I do tell I am hard of hearing, but not always. Not because I want to pretend I'm not deaf but because I don't see why i have to wear a sign saying: Beware: I don't hear very well. Also, most of the time I get along just fine, but there are people that do not move their lips clearly or speak too fast or too slow or too low or too loud (yes too loud makes it hard for me to understand), so then I inform them about my problem and tell them the best way for them to get me understand whatever they're saying.
Kids can be so cruel - but sometimes they are just inquisitive. I know that my middle niece has asked very loudly one day in a shop...
Mummy, what is wrong with that boy?
It was a severly disabled young boy in a wheel chair....
Instead of shooshing her and being embarassed my sister just explained to Kinvara and I think the Mum of the boy was pleasantly surprised as to how Eilidh had dealt with it.
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Kids can be so cruel - but sometimes they are just inquisitive. I know that my middle niece has asked very loudly one day in a shop...
Mummy, what is wrong with that boy?
It was a severly disabled young boy in a wheel chair....
Instead of shooshing her and being embarassed my sister just explained to Kinvara and I think the Mum of the boy was pleasantly surprised as to how Eilidh had dealt with it.
I have a friend who has three little kids. They're all four years old (they're triplets, 2 girls, 1 boy) and everytime I go visit them, the kids sit around me touching and looking at my hearing aids. They always ask why I wear them. I explain it is like glasses for the ear. Instead of help me see better, they help me hear better. But that does not stop them from asking again and again. They seem to be fascinated by the hearing aids. Their mom told me they have a school mate who wear hearing aids too, and that she overheard one of the triplets explaning another kid about hearing aids being something like glasses for the ear. She said her girl repeated my exact words and went on explaining why some people can't hear well (I told them this too)
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I don't have any kids. I have a dog though, and occasionally he acts like a child. He does naughty things and every once in awhile I'm tempted to swat his ass with a roll of newspaper. But I don't do it. I've never hit my dog thus far. Yell at him, yes. Hit him, no. I believe hitting and paddling accomplish NOTHING.
Back when I was a child, it was a common custom to hit children, and I got my fair share of swattings. My mother used to wash my mouth out with soap too if I was caught lying or saying a swear word. When I was around 10, they developed liquid hand soap and my mother used that on me. She'd rub the roof of my mouth with the soap so I couldn't get it out. That was a strange custom wasn't it? And it didn't work either. I still swear like a drunken sailor.
As long as a child KNOWS his or her parent is truly displeased with him or her, he or she will remember this. A child naturally wants to please his or her parents. The show of displeasure is sufficient punishment in my opinion. :)
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Oh, and I do believe in time outs for naughty behavior. And even canning them to their rooms for the day if necessary. But never swatting. :)
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Do people use the super nanny trick of time outs? I have tried it with my nieces and they just get obnoxious! which makes me get angrier!
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A few months ago my boyfriend and I started taking our 16 year old neighbour kid under our wings. I think it's interesting to see how a 16 year old thinks, and we try to talk to him a lot about school, dating and social issues. When he says something denegrating about a woman, I usually confront him with it and ask him why he said it. He talks to us about school and the things he wants to do after he finishes it. Jan-Willem is giving him interesting books to read (and he never ever read a book for fun before he met us! :)) and I even convinced him to watch BBM when he made a nasty remark about homosexuality. He hasn't watched it yet, but he knows how much I talk about it, so he will someday, I just know it! :D
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Kelda my experience has been it works best, if its not used every time. Mix it up with other types of punishments. If its the only one used they seem to lose the unique feel for it. Then they just get obstinate about it. Sitting in a certain place one time, going to their room another, or made to do some kind of giving up of a special treat they have been counting on. Mix it up.
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And PLEASE don't ever make children suck on soap. That was one of the cruelest things parents could do to their children. It borders on child abuse in my opinion. If a child cusses, a time out in the corner is probably sufficient, don't you think? There's really no need to stick a bar of soap in their mouth or rub liquid soap in it, and then make them sit there for 15 or 20 minutes and taste the soap in their mouths without even one drink of water. I'll never forget that as long as I live. :P
I'm hoping these terrible traditions from 30 and 40 years ago are finally gone for good. I would have gladly taken several swats from my daddy's belt rather than taste soap for 20 minutes. But neither act accomplishes anything good, does it? :'(
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Wow, David, so you were one of those kids, hunh? I'd heard that some American parents did that to their kids, but I wasn't sure whether to believe it. Never heard of that being done in Europe, whereas for instance when I was a kid (40 to 25 years ago), it was common for parents to slap their kids (on the legs/ bottom/ face)... and my parents even had a whip!
I have heard that there is a law in the uk against hitting your own kids. And I also have a cousin who often got beaten up (there's no other word) by his dad and he thinks now that it wasn't such a bad thing to do; and a friend whose dad never touched him and now he wishes his dad had (thinks dad was too soft!!). Whereas I got a few slappings (with red marks on my legs), and am not sure I have forgiven my parents yet. Just goes to show...
Katherine: I agree that your kids (like anyone else) can definitely bring out the worst in you. But it will never be seen as an excuse, because as a parent you are supposed to be in control of yourself and everything else, and that is SO unfair for people to think so, because parents are human beings like everybody else. And those of you who'd be tempted to say: "yeah well, you shouldn't have kids then... I don't have any, because I know better"; I bet you're still happy that some so called 'useless' people had kids and gave you someone to love, hey ;)?
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And what do You all think of physical discipline?
There has been some talk about this in other theads.
I don't have any kids. I have a dog though, and occasionally he acts like a child. He does naughty things and every once in awhile I'm tempted to swat his ass with a roll of newspaper. But I don't do it. I've never hit my dog thus far. Yell at him, yes. Hit him, no. I believe hitting and paddling accomplish NOTHING.
Back when I was a child, it was a common custom to hit children, and I got my fair share of swattings. My mother used to wash my mouth out with soap too if I was caught lying or saying a swear word. When I was around 10, they developed liquid hand soap and my mother used that on me. She'd rub the roof of my mouth with the soap so I couldn't get it out. That was a strange custom wasn't it? And it didn't work either. I still swear like a drunken sailor.
As long as a child KNOWS his or her parent is truly displeased with him or her, he or she will remember this. A child naturally wants to please his or her parents. The show of displeasure is sufficient punishment in my opinion. :)
And PLEASE don't ever make children suck on soap. That was one of the cruelest things parents could do to their children. It borders on child abuse in my opinion. If a child cusses, a time out in the corner is probably sufficient, don't you think? There's really no need to stick a bar of soap in their mouth or rub liquid soap in it, and then make them sit there for 15 or 20 minutes and taste the soap in their mouths without even one drink of water. I'll never forget that as long as I live. :P
I'm hoping these terrible traditions from 30 and 40 years ago are finally gone for good. I would have gladly taken several swats from my daddy's belt rather than taste soap for 20 minutes. But neither act accomplishes anything good, does it? :'(
Wow, David, so you were one of those kids, hunh? I'd heard that some American parents did that to their kids, but I wasn't sure whether to believe it. Never heard of that being done in Europe, whereas for instance when I was a kid (40 to 25 years ago), it was common for parents to slap their kids (on the legs/ bottom/ face)... and my parents even had a whip!
I have heard that there is a law in the uk against hitting your own kids. And I also have a cousin who often got beaten up (there's no other word) by his dad and he thinks now that it wasn't such a bad thing to do; and a friend whose dad never touched him and now he wishes his dad had (thinks dad was too soft!!). Whereas I got a few slappings (with red marks on my legs), and am not sure I have forgiven my parents yet. Just goes to show...
Katherine: I agree that your kids (like anyone else) can definitely bring out the worst in you. But it will never be seen as an excuse, because as a parent you are supposed to be in control of yourself and everything else, and that is SO unfair for people to think so, because parents are human beings like everybody else. And those of you who'd be tempted to say: "yeah well, you shouldn't have kids then... I don't have any, because I know better"; I bet you're still happy that some so called 'useless' people had kids and gave you someone to love, hey ;)?
I think it can & does work - but there is of course a time place and situation for it.
It certainly never did me any harm although by the time I was about 9 my Mum had stopped with the slap on the bum to some type of other punichment - no tv, no pudding etc etc. That was more effective for me at that age. Although I was a faily good child even if I do say so myself!
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When I went to school in the 50s and 60s, it was common practice in Australia for the male teachers to carry a cane with them wherever they went. This was a menacing looking length of thin bamboo-like cane (much thinner than a walking stick), about 90cm (3ft) long. If they came across a school boy misbehaving, they would order him to stretch out his arm with his palm facing upward, and give him "six of the best" across his palm with the cane. It stung like the billy-oh but I rarely got the cane 'cause I was such a little goodie-two-shoes when I was at school! ;) :D
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When I went to school in the 50s and 60s, it was common practice in Australia for the male teachers to carry a cane with them wherever they went. This was a menacing looking length of thin bamboo-like cane (much thinner than a walking stick), about 90cm (3ft) long. If they came across a school boy misbehaving, they would order him to stretch out his arm with his palm facing upward, and give him "six of the best" across his palm with the cane. It stung like the billy-oh but I rarely got the cane 'cause I was such a little goodie-two-shoes when I was at school! ;) :D
The nuns carried a similar cane back in Catholic school. Actually it was one of those pointing sticks, but they found other uses for it besides pointing at the alphabet letters above the chalkboard. The nuns and priests would give us one firm swat over the tops of our hands if we were caught talking, daydreaming, etc. It hurt like white fire. Oh and those pointed nun's shoes were another near lethal weapon. A swift kick on the ankle with one of those would get anyone's attention. OUCH!! >:(
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Kelda or Melissa -
Do you think maybe we should start a new topic? Somehow this thread has gone very OT and I think it's my fault. :(
I have a peculiar talent of making threads go OT and I think I've done it again.
What do you think? Maybe you could create a new topic and merge these OT posts into it. Because tasting soap and getting swatted has absolutely NOTHING to do with what we do for a living, does it? ???
Sorry about that.
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Split and merged.. I think!
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The nuns carried a similar cane back in Catholic school. Actually it was one of those pointing sticks, but they found other uses for it besides pointing at the alphabet letters above the chalkboard. The nuns and priests would give us one firm swat over the tops of our hands if we were caught talking, daydreaming, etc. It hurt like white fire. Oh and those pointed nun's shoes were another near lethal weapon. A swift kick on the ankle with one of those would get anyone's attention. OUCH!! >:(
Haha :laugh: the way you describe the nuns' shoes, David, they remind me of the Wicked Witch of the West's shoes in The Wizard of Oz! Did your nuns wear bright, striped stockings, too! ::) ;) :D
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I was in the kitchen making cabbage rolls and I had to prescribe a time-out for myself! Now I'm in my bedroom, it's so serene, surfing BetterMost. My son was just goofing off, blabbering, singing snippets of songs, taking stuff out of the fridge, and blowing off steam. Pretty soon, I realized my nerves were completely shot!!
Earlier he wanted to go shop for clothes, so Ms. Pocketbook...me...agreed to go with him. But not before he cleaned up the area directly in front of the front door, which looked like an extension of his bedroom. I would not have the courage to open the front door if anybody rang!! My son's reply after just goofing off for 30 minutes was to tell me to tell him when we would leave for the clothing store, so he could clean everything up 30 seconds before that. I hit the roof and said, that's it, I'm not going with you. Go by yourself. So, then he got his guitar and started playing "Where do the children play?" by Cat Stevens, singing like, well, Cat Stevens. Even though he melted my heart, I couldn't resist asking him to add a chorus saying "Where do the adults play?"
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I was in the kitchen making cabbage rolls and I had to prescribe a time-out for myself! Now I'm in my bedroom, it's so serene, surfing BetterMost. My son was just goofing off, blabbering, singing snippets of songs, taking stuff out of the fridge, and blowing off steam. Pretty soon, I realized my nerves were completely shot!!
Earlier he wanted to go shop for clothes, so Ms. Pocketbook...me...agreed to go with him. But not before he cleaned up the area directly in front of the front door, which looked like an extension of his bedroom. I would not have the courage to open the front door if anybody rang!! My son's reply after just goofing off for 30 minutes was to tell me to tell him when we would leave for the clothing store, so he could clean everything up 30 seconds before that. I hit the roof and said, that's it, I'm not going with you. Go by yourself. So, then he got his guitar and started playing "Where do the children play?" by Cat Stevens, singing like, well, Cat Stevens. Even though he melted my heart, I couldn't resist asking him to add a chorus saying "Where do the adults play?"
:laugh:
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Kids......who'd have em if we knew what we were in for..........
I must have said that a million times over the years. I've often said, God made us love our kids so much and so unconditionally, otherwise, most of us would give them away without a second thought.
There is not much my two didn't get up to over the years, sometimes they were people I acutally did not like, but as parents you stick with them, keep repeating the ground rules about family unity and respect, and finally when they reached about 30 they turned into good people, good sons, good family men themselves. And not only are we proud of them, but more importantly THEY are proud of themselves.
What happens when you have kids, from the day they are born, we worry about them. Worry worry worry, and as they get older the worries get bigger, and as they get older, the control we have to keep them safe, gets less and less. Another thing I have said many many times, is.....nobody knows what worry is, until they have a child.
Oh, then later on, along comes the grandkids....and its YOUR kid looking after YOUR grandchild.....so now you got more to bloody worry about.
And now, my son has his own 16year old, and shakes his head at some of the shit he gets up to, and then has the audacity to say to me, he wasn't like that when he was 16........bloody hell, thats another thing about kids...they have no memory.
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And now, my son has his own 16year old, and shakes his head at some of the shit he gets up to, and then has the audacity to say to me, he wasn't like that when he was 16........bloody hell, thats another thing about kids...they have no memory.
;D
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So true, Sue!!
My son and his dad are off to Arizona this weekend for a big bicycle race. Although I love him to bits, I'm looking forward to him being gone for a while, and look forward to him coming home all tired out with some of that extreme nervous energy gone!! ;) 8)
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My son and his dad are off to Arizona this weekend for a big bicycle race. Although I love him to bits, I'm looking forward to him being gone for a while, and look forward to him coming home all tired out with some of that extreme nervous energy gone!! ;) 8)
Maybe that's a resource for parents that public service agencies should consider -- something to wear kids out!
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What happens when you have kids, from the day they are born, we worry about them. Worry worry worry, and as they get older the worries get bigger, and as they get older, the control we have to keep them safe, gets less and less. Another thing I have said many many times, is.....nobody knows what worry is, until they have a child.
Oh, then later on, along comes the grandkids....and its YOUR kid looking after YOUR grandchild.....so now you got more to bloody worry about.
And now, my son has his own 16year old, and shakes his head at some of the shit he gets up to, and then has the audacity to say to me, he wasn't like that when he was 16........bloody hell, thats another thing about kids...they have no memory.
In a novel I read years ago, a female character says to her pregnant daughter-in-law, "you will never forget that you are a mother. But your children will forget that they are your children." Is that something like you're talking about?