Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond => The Lighter Side => Topic started by: Katie77 on August 01, 2006, 07:26:34 pm
Title: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 01, 2006, 07:26:34 pm
I received this email today, and had to share it with you all....
He Thought He was a Cowboy....
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sait sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?". He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixiing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down ont eh other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"....
He replied, "I always thought I was, but i just found out I'm a lesbian".
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Sheriff Roland on August 02, 2006, 10:54:51 am
This sounds like a good place to share humourous anecdotes, or just plain old jokes.
Got a funny you wanna share? Bring it on! We're big boys and girls - we can take it!
And it don't even have to be cowboy or gay related!
Go on make me laugh - if you can ...
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 02, 2006, 11:14:11 am
OK....heres another one.....
Six presidents were on a sinking boat........
Ford says, "What do we do?"
Bush says, "Man the lifeboats"
Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"
Carter says, "Women first"
Nixon says, "Screw the women"
Clinton says, "You think we have time?"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 02, 2006, 08:28:11 pm
OK....heres another one.....
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday....
They arrive at the club, and the doorman says, "Hey Dave!..How ya doing?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "OH NO", says Dave. "He's on my bowling team".
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How come she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey, We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi, Davey, Want our usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out ot the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave".
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: BB Stacker on August 02, 2006, 09:46:46 pm
THE PURINA DIET
I have a Golden Retriever and was in the check-out line at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog food. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no. I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because the last time I ended up in the in the intensive care ward at the hospital with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel a little bit hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here, that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly the guy who was waiting in line behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no . . . it was because I'd been sitting in middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 02, 2006, 10:22:38 pm
A woman and her husband stood in court infront of the judge.
The Judge asked the woman: How do you plead on stealing a can of peaches from the A&P?
The woman replies: guilty Your Honor
The judge than asked how many peaches were in the can?
The woman replies: six Your Honor
The Judge replies: than you shall be sentenced to one day in jail per peach, thats six days.
The woman sighs: Thank you your honor
The husbands yells: But your honor!! She stoled a can of peas too! :o
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 03, 2006, 06:31:47 am
Please note:....absolutely NO disrespect to any religious group intended.....
WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER???????
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 03, 2006, 07:02:35 pm
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution ??? Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex ??? Sorry, but you're not really my type :o Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. :-X Nope, no more booze for me :'( Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight 8)
Paid for by the friends of Mel Gibson
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 03, 2006, 07:11:37 pm
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty." This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Pipedream on August 04, 2006, 03:32:29 am
A cannibal family has just had clown for supper. Cannibal dad says: "Tasted kinda funny, didn't it?"
:)
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Pipedream on August 04, 2006, 03:33:58 am
A masochist asks a sadist: "Please torture me! Torture me!" The sadists answers: "No."
::)
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: welliwont on August 04, 2006, 03:44:38 am
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 04, 2006, 04:15:06 am
Did you hear about the gay frog?
Got toad(toe'd) up the arse....
Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
Couldn't get the hare(hair) out of his arse.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 04, 2006, 01:16:48 pm
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck, their just guys" he says to himself, "and I really need a drink."
When the bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's the name of your willy?" :)
The cowboy says, "I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." :(
The bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you untill you tell me the name of your willy, house rule. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan " Just do It". :-*
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because "It really Satisfies." :P
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX". 8)
The thirsty cowboy asks "Why Timex?" ???
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on tickin!" ;)
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" :-\
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One". Then he adds, "Have YOU driven a Ford lately?" ;D
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY" , Like a Rock". And gives a wink! ;)
Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender, smiles :D and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pull the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look and asks, "Why Secret?" . ???
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!" ::)
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 04, 2006, 02:50:17 pm
Not intended to offend anybody. Just thought this was cute. It reminds me of my youngest daughter.
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed". She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked,......
"Wow that is really sad, how many is a Brazilian?"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Pipedream on August 04, 2006, 02:59:34 pm
How can you make a blonde laugh on a monday?
Tell her a joke friday evening!
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 04, 2006, 03:07:30 pm
ok one more blonde joke and Ill stop.(In my twenties I was blonde for seven years myself. I heard them all)
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 04, 2006, 11:13:29 pm
Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."
The priest says, "Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"
Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."
So the priest says, "I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"
Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."
The priest says, "Was it that Rose O'Connell?"And Paddy responds, "I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."
So the priest says, "You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"
As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says, "Paddy! How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"
And Paddy says, "Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."
"How was it?"
Paddy says, "Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 04, 2006, 11:14:33 pm
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit. The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 13."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 04, 2006, 11:15:59 pm
and one more with no offense meant to anyone...
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 05, 2006, 03:41:17 am
::) OK what Can I say...my brother is an Espiscopal Priest, my maternal Grandfather was a Pentecostal Preacher who did tent revivals and most of my female friends are "Church Ladies"...so I hear a lot of them...My friend Jaime just sent me this one tonight.
This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause.
Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and He said ... "Fuck him"!
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 05, 2006, 02:38:43 pm
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF
Your kids call your sister mom
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve~year~old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws:
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever die right after saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date . Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad calls you "Chip" and walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos
.If you can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend's forehead, and it works. " If you leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 06, 2006, 02:28:00 am
This one is from my 13 year old...
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 06, 2006, 02:47:24 am
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm and continued to sip the Vodka to maintain his confidence. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is NEVER referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 06, 2006, 03:35:53 pm
Victoria, that last one really cracked me up!
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 06, 2006, 07:30:12 pm
Geri, I can't even tell that one without cracking up and it's so much better if you can deliver the list dead serious... lets see if this one strikes your funny bone...
A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."
He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.
Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 06, 2006, 08:59:48 pm
Two young brothers, aged 9 and 6 were up in their room, and the oldest brother said to the youngest...."lets start saying swear words, and see what happens".....the younger of the two was quite excited that his older brother was teaching him to swear, and they decided to try it out when their Mum called them down to breakfast.
Mum said to the eldest brother....."and what would you like for breakfast?"...feeling game, he said, "give me some of those damn bloody coco pops"......
He didnt see the Whack coming from his mother to the side of his head, and she yelled at him "get up to your room".....he ran away crying.....
"Now young man" she said to the youngest brother, "and what do YOU want for breakfast"?
Slinking back in his chair he said "Well I sure as hell dont want any FUCKING coco pops"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 06, 2006, 10:44:20 pm
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH He went into his father's business He lived at home until he was 33 He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God
More ... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH He never got married He was always telling stories He loved green pastures
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN His first name was Jesus He was bilingual He was always being harassed by the authorities
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN He talked with his hands He had wine with every meal He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK He called everybody "brother" He liked Gospel He couldn't get a fair trial
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN He never cut his hair He walked around barefoot He started a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: acoustic man on August 07, 2006, 02:03:20 pm
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 07, 2006, 07:27:46 pm
Love em all Acoustic Man....very funny....
Heres another one....
A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary.
The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz".
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"
The rich man replies, "Well, if she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive the Mercedes Benz to take it back".
The poor man acknowldges the rich man's answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife for presents....."I got my wife a pair of flip-flops and a dildo".
"Why did you buy her those gifts?"
The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go f*** herself".
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 07, 2006, 07:42:46 pm
heres another one.....
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks "whats in the bag"?
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Motzart.
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Here, rub it".
So the brtender rubs the lamp and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish....just one".
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks".
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck,, then another soon follows it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming.
The bartender turnes to the man and says "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks".
"Tell me about it" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 08, 2006, 07:28:50 pm
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her - "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn" says the little old lady - "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some, Thanks for the warning".
"Well not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh No" says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds. So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say "$20 or off it comes".
"Hey, not a bad idea" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck. By the way, what's int the other bag?"
"Well," says the little lady - "Not all of them pay".
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 08, 2006, 07:35:40 pm
Hospital News...............
A woman called a local hospital.......
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302".
"I'll connect you with the nursing station...."
"3A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
I'd like to know the condition fo Sarah Finkel in room 302".
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records...Mrs . Finkel is doing very weill. In fact she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be aken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, thats fantastic....thats wonderful news ".
The nurse said, "Fom your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend".
"Neither, I AM Sarah Finkel in 302........Nobody here tells me shit."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: BB Stacker on August 09, 2006, 01:34:45 pm
Incredible story about an elephant's memory
UPI July 3, 2006
A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with His hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 09, 2006, 04:50:56 pm
lol...these jokes are so funny. That elephant story really had me going! :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Sheriff Roland on August 09, 2006, 05:40:06 pm
The following is an actual transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. (note: You don't think I'd make this up, do ya? hunh?!?)
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE - FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 09, 2006, 11:22:32 pm
.... ;)
http://d21c.com/terri1/flash/smile.swf
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 09, 2006, 11:22:57 pm
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 11, 2006, 01:18:47 pm
Now that was funny Vicky! :laugh:
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: BB Stacker on August 11, 2006, 03:00:27 pm
How to Please Your I.T. Department
01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 11, 2006, 06:17:00 pm
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of 1st Grade students and brought a bowl of "Lifesaver" lollies into the classroom to try the children out.
As she handed out each coloured lifesaver, the children began to say:
Finally , the teacher gave each of them a honey Lifesaver. After eating the honey Lifesavers, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," she said, "I'll give you all a clue.....its what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl then looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver and yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're arseholes!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on August 12, 2006, 06:50:51 pm
Good one Katie!!! :laugh:
One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.
Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.
He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you." ;D
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 15, 2006, 12:28:22 am
40 Short Lawyer Jokes
Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start!
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A. His lips are moving.
Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A. Professional courtesy.
Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A. Not enough sand.
Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A. A Lobotomy.
Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers? A. Who cares?
Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers? A. A waste of cement.
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A1. Shoot him before he hits the water. A2. Take your foot off his head.
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A. Cut the rope.
Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer? A1. Back over him to make sure. A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t? A. The bucket.
Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A. There was an empty seat.
Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A. Stick his bill up his ass.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A. An offer you can't understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetery.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties? A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A. A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A. Their personalities.
Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A. A doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground? A. Deep down their good.
Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.
Q. Why are lawyers great in bed? A. They get so much practice screwing people.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A. The lawyer charges more.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 15, 2006, 12:42:07 am
Why Older Chicks Rule
by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".
This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's..and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!
Andy Rooney says:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman ove r 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, W hy? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 15, 2006, 12:47:02 am
Free Porn.... scroll down unless you are easily offended. ;)
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 16, 2006, 08:14:53 pm
Keep em coming......
Now heres one, maybe written by Ennis........
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, and grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was sleet mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing a gale. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into the bed.
There i cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 17, 2006, 12:53:22 am
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 18, 2006, 02:23:49 am
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on August 21, 2006, 08:11:20 am
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him. "So what was wrong?
He replied "It was an ID ten T error."
I didnt want to appear studpid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No" I replied.
"Write it down", he said, "and I think you will figure it out."
So I wrote down I D 1 0 T.
I used to like Harold.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: vkm91941 on August 27, 2006, 01:56:57 am
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on September 02, 2006, 11:27:08 pm
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into K-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenaties at them all the way throught te entrance....
The K-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to K-Mart....Nice children you've got there.....are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell ni they aint, the eldest one , he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7....Why the hell would you think they were twins?......Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter....."I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"..........
(from the sound of her, she probably decked him)
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on September 10, 2006, 10:02:18 pm
Come on...where are all those funny jokes you get by email......share them with us.....
Here's one......
An Indian walks into a Tim Horton's with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.....he says..."Me want coffee".
The worker says, "Sure chief, coming right up".
He gets the Indian a cup of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp. He picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with a shotgun, then just walks out........
The next morning the Indian returns..He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other....He walks up to the counter and says ..."Me want coffee"....
The waiter says, "Whoa there Chief!...We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here.....What the heck was all that about anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says....."Me training for job as a government employee....Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for the rest of the day"
(my apologies to government employees and Indians
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on September 27, 2006, 03:40:30 pm
Lets see if I can remember this one correctly. My cousin from Ireland told this one on one of his visits.
Molly Maloney and Brigette O'Rilley were pulling up parsnips in the garden behind Molly's house. When suddenly old Molly gasps and holds up a parsnip for Bridgette to see...
Molly: this one reminds me of me late dear old husband Paddy! Bridgette: ha ha Molly what is it? The size of it? Molly: Shakes her head.. No it's not the size of it! Bridgette: Well then is it the length of it? Molly:Nay..its not the length of it, not like my Paddy at all! Bridgette: Well , Molly what is it..the shape of it? Molly: No it's not the shape of it! Bridgette: Well sheeet Molly!! I give up..what is about that that reminds you of your dear old Paddy? Molly: It's the DIRT of it!! [(http://uncyclopedia.org/images/b/b5/Turnip-love_jpg.jpg)
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Toast on October 13, 2006, 11:13:43 pm
(http://www.thenewyorkerstore.com/assets/1/122142_m.gif) I had to do it he was grilling zucchini
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: twistedude on October 14, 2006, 02:58:53 pm
....................New Yorker
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: twistedude on October 14, 2006, 03:00:58 pm
New Yoriker:
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on October 14, 2006, 08:36:01 pm
Subject: The Irishman, Englishman and the Scot
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well!" said the Englishman, "Has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on October 14, 2006, 08:39:00 pm
Cough Syrup The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on October 14, 2006, 09:25:37 pm
Subject: Meanwhile in heaven ....
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground."
I yelled "Now back off that woman or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago..."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on October 15, 2006, 05:19:53 am
Do you see sheep?????
Makes you wonder what Ennis and Jack were looking at from up on the mountain......
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Brokeback_Dev on October 20, 2006, 02:47:18 am
what the hell are they doing?
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on October 20, 2006, 09:25:43 am
I think they are trying to look like sheep.....!!!!!
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on October 23, 2006, 06:11:00 pm
Subject: Fw: Superman Action
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super
Hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in
Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.
"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her."
"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the
Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.
"Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor,
who's the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she
Had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed __expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is
Killing me."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on October 30, 2006, 05:53:01 pm
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided> to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"!
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've be en getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied," and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on October 30, 2006, 05:56:55 pm
Lawyers should never ask a Southern Grandma a question if they >>>aren't >>>prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern Small-Town >>>Prosecuting >>>Attorney called his first witness. A Grandmotherly, Elderly Woman >>>to the >>>stand. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" >>> >>>She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known >>>you >>>since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big >>>disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your Wife, and you >>>manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You >>>think >>>you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never >>>will >>>amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know >>>you." >>> >>>The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed >>>across >>>the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the Defense >>>Attorney?" She >>>again replied, "Why, yes I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he was >>>a >>>youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. >>>He >>>can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice >>>is >>>one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on >>>his >>>Wife with three different Women. One of them was your Wife. Yes, I >>>know >>>him." >>> >>>The Defense Attorney almost died. The Judge asked both Counselors >>>to >>>approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of >>>you >>>Idiots asks her if she knows Me, I'll send you BOTH to the >>>Electric >>>Chair."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Brokeback_Dev on October 30, 2006, 07:35:47 pm
lmao
You are too much Katie Sue love ya babe
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: twistedude on October 30, 2006, 08:19:12 pm
Pretty old one, but a housegue4st the other day hadn't heard it.
An Irishman was picking up another Irishman, fresh off the boat, at Ellis Island. As they began to walk therough the city, the new Irishman looked up at a big building, and read the sign on it:
O'SULLIVAN's TOOL WORKS
"Now that," he said to his friend, "is what i call advertising!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on November 02, 2006, 04:53:09 pm
This is soccer???????????
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on November 02, 2006, 04:58:06 pm
Naughty...but funny....
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on November 03, 2006, 06:04:09 am
Heres some oldies cartoons....
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on November 08, 2006, 06:08:13 pm
more cartoons....
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Front-Ranger on November 08, 2006, 06:15:15 pm
SPOILER --Prairie Home Companion--
Lefty and Dusty, the two lonesome cowboys, are telling jokes and Dusty (Woody Harrelson) says,
Did you hear about the stolen shipment of Viagra?
They're looking for hardened criminals.
8)
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Arad-3 on November 08, 2006, 06:43:41 pm
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on November 08, 2006, 06:52:19 pm
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this > huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring > at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3 > pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." > > The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and > brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" > > In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? > > The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you > the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I > weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 > pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." > > The small guys says, "Turner Brown?! .... Whew, Thank God! I thought you > said "Turn around!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on November 08, 2006, 06:57:04 pm
Fred went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest pen * s the doctor has ever seen. It couldn't have been more than the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry Fred," said the doctor. "I really am....I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on November 08, 2006, 06:58:21 pm
Subject: Inflatable Doll > > > > > > > > A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an > > inflatable doll. "Would you like male of female?" > > > > "Female, please." > > > > "Would you like Black, or White?" > > > > "White, please." > > > > "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confused the man . . . > > and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an > inflatable > > doll!" > > > > "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on November 21, 2006, 05:06:50 pm
True Australian Ghost Story >>> >>>This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even >>>though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. >>> >>>John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side >>>of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of >>>a storm.. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm >>>was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. >>>Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. >>>John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in >>>the car and closed the door, only to realise there was nobody >>>behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! >>> >>>The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and >>>saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for >>>his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through >>>the >>>window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched >>>how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. >>> >>>John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering >>>strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of >>>breath, herushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He >>>then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he >>>went through. >>> >>>A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was >>>crying and he wasn't drunk. >>> >>>About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. >>>They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing >>>John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look >>>Bruce, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were >>>pushing it."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: twistedude on November 30, 2006, 03:49:21 pm
A man was taking a driving test in a small town. After completing the parallel parking wih no slip-ups, he heard the instructor say: "Great! Can you make a u-turn?" "Turn? I c'n make'er eyes bug out!" replid the man.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on December 05, 2006, 03:05:37 am
LITTLE FLAB !!
One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning,
the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra."
This was
beyond
a silent response...
So she rolled over
and
grabbed him
by his
'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place,
she said...
"You know,
if you
firmed this up,
we could
get rid of
the gardener,
the postman, the pool man
and
your brother!"
Have A Good Day! .
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on December 09, 2006, 08:16:25 am
Merry Christmas
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on December 22, 2006, 04:54:30 pm
This is an oldie but worth passing on in case some of you >> haven't seen it before. >> > >> > >> > >> > A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman >> > wave at him and say hello. >> > >> > He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her >> > from. >> > >> > So he says, "Do you Know me?"To which she replies, "I think your >> > the >> > father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only >> > time he as >> > ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the >> > stripper from >> > my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies >> > watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and > then >> > stuck a carrot up my butt???" >> > >> >> >> >> > >> > >> > She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's >> > math's teacher."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: sagebrush on December 26, 2006, 11:11:48 am
My friend knows Brokeback is my favorite movie, she passed this email on to me... :)
Top ten Old West phrases that will never sound the same after Brokeback Mountain:
1. "I’m gonna pump you full of lead!" 2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!" 3. "Don’t fret - I’ve been in tight spots before." 4. "Howdy, pardner." 5. "You stay here while I sneak around from behind." 6. Two words: "Saddle sore." 7. "Hold it right there! Now move your hand, re-e-eal slow-like." 8. "Let’s mount up!" 9. "Nice spread ya got here." 10. "Ride ‘em, cowboy!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on December 26, 2006, 08:16:14 pm
Brazilian Wax
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on January 02, 2007, 07:45:34 pm
Losing a friend
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: sagebrush on January 04, 2007, 05:17:41 am
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: insane-romantic on January 05, 2007, 04:41:27 pm
This one from the end of "Vicar of Dibley" this week. There was once a boy born who had no body, no arms, or legs - in fact he was just a head. On his 18th Birthday, his Dad took him to the pub for his first pint. He took a drink and, to his surprise, a body suddenly popped out of nowhere! So, he drank some more and his arms appeared! On the third sip his legs appeared!
He was so surprised and amazed at this that he ran out of the pub into the road. He was hit by a lorry and died instantly.
The bartender said to the boy's Father: "He should have quit while he was ahead"
(I know it's not really good taste and probably not that funny, but I liked it :))
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on January 05, 2007, 07:51:49 pm
"NOT MY JOB" award, for 2006
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: sagebrush on January 05, 2007, 10:30:03 pm
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on January 11, 2007, 06:36:07 pm
Why, Why, Why Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: welliwont on January 21, 2007, 12:32:34 am
Well this might get some laughs, I just found it on somebody's blog:
Talking Italians
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on February 11, 2007, 08:32:14 pm
Marriage Counselling: >> >> A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. >> When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful >> tirade listing every problem they had ever had. >> >> She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, >> feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she >> had >> endured over the course of their marriage. >> Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the >> therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and >> embraced and kissed her passionately. >> >> The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze. >> The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife >> needs >> at least three times a week. Can you do this?" >> >> The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off >> here >> on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish." >> >> He is still in counselling !!
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: dot-matrix on February 13, 2007, 12:13:25 am
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. One day they met up and discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, the mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I spend most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: dot-matrix on March 17, 2007, 12:55:40 am
LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET Noted Consonant Alienated by Controversial New Gay Muppet
NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet will soon join the show's cast.
"The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with the show."
Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter.
The gay muppet, "Roger," will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23, CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors have pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of the episode before it makes a decision.
Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal was motivated by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a section of the population that employs the letter frequently.
"D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine, words crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition," said Yale University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. "It is likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment of its users."
While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by Sesame Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a number of the show's animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip from C to E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to match the rhythm of the alphabet song. (http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/5654/38131141cookie300apuz2.jpg) (http://imageshack.us) Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its longtime supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member Cookie Monster said: "Me disappointed letter D choose to end relationship with Sesame Street due to pressure from extremely vocal minority. We accused of endorsing deviant lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral. Diversity and enrichment. That's good enough for me."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: David In Indy on March 17, 2007, 01:18:55 am
:laugh: :laugh:
Good one Dottie! :D
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: David In Indy on March 17, 2007, 01:22:35 am
I posted this in my blog last week, but most of you didn't see it probably, so here it is again...
Are you tired of those "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
None of that Sissy Crap
Here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard, or bitch, who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be.... until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath - I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing in your pants; everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
And always remember.....when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.
SEND THIS TO ALL 5 of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 2.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: David In Indy on March 17, 2007, 01:23:33 am
GRANDPA ON THE PORCH
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well.... last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on March 17, 2007, 10:33:33 am
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed
that there was a slight response on the monitor when
she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was
sizable movement.They went to her husband and explained what
happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that
they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband
finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room.
"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: dot-matrix on March 19, 2007, 02:51:13 am
New riddle in the email from my 10 year old niece tonight.. ;)
Answer: (highlight to reveal the answer) Because everyone kept saying "get a long little doggie"!
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on March 20, 2007, 08:10:42 am
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said The plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he Had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load And went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on March 22, 2007, 09:38:43 am
Thomas the Tank Engine
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! and all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks". The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added.....................
"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b**ch in the kitchen."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Scott6373 on March 22, 2007, 09:49:29 am
Blue Humor...Be warned
Three whores died and went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who told them, that because of their less than angelic lives on earth, they would have to answer a question before he could let them into heaven.
He turned to the first and asked, "Who was the first Man?"
The whore replied, "That's too easy, it was Adam," and with that answer, bells rang and the gates opened.
He turned to the next and asked, "Who was the first woman?"
Astounded at how easy this was, the whore said, "It was Eve." Again the bells sounded and the gates opened.
For the last one, he instructed the whore to take time in answering, and he asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The whore was quite perplexed, and ponderred the question for a great while before saying, "Jesus Christ that's a hard one."
Bells, and the gates opened.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on March 26, 2007, 10:36:18 pm
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor bloke broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on March 26, 2007, 10:37:35 pm
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who > seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. > As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and > told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be > landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could > just put your trays up, that would be super." > On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather > Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. > "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked > You to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the > ground." > She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a > Princess and I take orders from no one." > To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a > beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I > outrank you. TRAY-UP BITCH!!" >
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on March 28, 2007, 03:38:50 am
True Aussie Humour!!
"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
Early next morning, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the
firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday maaaaaaate!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on March 29, 2007, 04:17:45 am
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a s**t one way or the other.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: dot-matrix on March 30, 2007, 01:27:49 am
Gotta Love Senior Citizens.
The following is why older people crack me up. They can get away with pretty much anything- from being rude to driving slow on Sunday mornings. I swear- I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to put answers like his on job applications. Wonder what would happen if I did?
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny…..
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice resident. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?” HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: injest on April 06, 2007, 12:58:11 am
A man was out hunting and shot a young bear. He felt a tap on his shoulder and it was a big ol brown bear. ..."Now you got a choice....I can maul you or have sex" He thought he'd best bend over....
well it took a couple of weeks but he finally got up his courage to go out and find that brown bear and he killed it!
felt a tap on his shoulder....he turned around and there was a huge grizzly. He got the same options and made the same choice.
he stayed home for a month or two before his anger sent him back into the woods...he found the grizzly and killed it....
felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a polar bear....the polar bear shook his head and said "admit it man...you aren't coming out here for the hunting!!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: injest on April 06, 2007, 01:28:37 am
A cowboy went into a bar. To his surprise he saw a horse in the back of the bar with a bucket full of money sitting in front of him. The cowboy asked the bartender "what is up with the horse"
The bartender told him it was a bet. Anyone that could make the horse laugh could have the money.
The cowboy went back...whispered in the horses ear and the horse fell over laughing....the cowboy picked up the bucket and left.
a year later he came back and the horse was there again....with an even BIGGER bucket of money. He took out his money and started toward the horse when the bartender stopped him...."we changed it up some there! NOW you have to make the horse cry!"
so the cowboy went back there and in no time the horse was sobbing as if his heart was broken. The cowboy picked up the bucket and started out the door.
"Wait!" said the bartender "I have to know....how did you make that horse laugh last year??"
The cowboy said "Simple...I told him I had a bigger c*** than him"
"well how did you make him cry?"
"I showed him!"
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: David In Indy on April 06, 2007, 01:48:17 am
A distraught senior citizen phoned his doctor's office. "Is it true" he wanted to know "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so." the doctor told him.
There was a moment of silence before the senior gentleman replied. "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked "NO REFILLS"."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: dot-matrix on April 15, 2007, 02:02:52 am
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad,what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a milliondollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you seep with Brad Pittfor a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with BradPitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know howmuch a million bucks could buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three milliondollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: CellarDweller on October 21, 2008, 10:50:57 am
what are the two ways to recognize you're at a gay bbq?
#1. The grill isn't the only thing that's flaming.
#2. The hot dogs taste like shit.
:o :laugh:
Title: Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
Post by: Katie77 on October 21, 2008, 07:08:18 pm