BetterMost, Wyoming & Brokeback Mountain Forum
The World Beyond BetterMost => Women Today => Topic started by: delalluvia on July 30, 2009, 05:15:42 pm
-
I posted this and some comments in the thread Bitch, bitch, bitch and have decided to copy it here to see if other women have this experience. ;D
Why is it that on internet community boards, I seem to get along fine with boards whose posters are the majority men and boards that are co-ed, but on boards where the majority of the posters are women, I don't?
I find this extremely strange seeing as men are scarce in my life and I do nothing but interact almost daily with no one but women. I've not dated or had sex with a man in over 5 years, my sister hasn't had men in her life on a regular basis since her divorce, my father passed away years ago, I only see my half-brother one or twice a year, all my closest friends are women and when I was employed, the majority of my fellow co-workers were women as well.
I am invariably confronted, told I am too upfront, too blunt {that is seen as a bad thing, apparently), the wording of my posts is 'unfortunate' or trollish. Some posters react with teary and/or very angry bitchy emotional posts.
Not that they all do, of course. A few women support and/or understand what I was saying/meant, but they invariably get beaten down by the outpouring of outrage. But seeing as I behave and the mods don't caution me and indeed they have posted several times cautioning the others that the board is a discussion board and not a 'support' board, there isn't much they can do except gang up against me whenever I post - sort of like a high school clique.
This has happened on at least 2 boards for me so far.
I have a theory that for women - in general - social cohesiveness of the group is deemed more important than individual expression.
e.g. I have been told to tone myself down so as not to hurt someone else's feelings.
On boards where men dominate, that idea that I might hurt someone else's feelings with the wording of my posts has never ever been brought up.
Anyone else have this problem or it is just me?
-
Anyone else have this problem or it is just me?[/b][/color]
*raises hand and waves it energetically*
MEMEMEMEMEME!!!
I posted this and some comments in the thread Bitch, bitch, bitch and have decided to copy it here to see if other women have this experience. ;D
Not a woman, obviously. But I do have some comments.
Why is it that on internet community boards, I seem to get along fine with boards whose posters are the majority men and boards that are co-ed, but on boards where the majority of the posters are women, I don't?
My answer below...
But first...
I am invariably confronted, told I am too upfront, too blunt {that is seen as a bad thing, apparently), the wording of my posts is 'unfortunate' or trollish. Some posters react with teary and/or very angry bitchy emotional posts.
Not that they all do, of course. A few women support and/or understand what I was saying/meant, but they invariably get beaten down by the outpouring of outrage. But seeing as I behave and the mods don't caution me and indeed they have posted several times cautioning the others that the board is a discussion board and not a 'support' board, there isn't much they can do except gang up against me whenever I post - sort of like a high school clique.
Everything you just mentioned has been happening to me here at Bettermost. Everything. Same exact shit. And its not just the women, its the entrenched gay men too.
I have a theory that for women - in general - social cohesiveness of the group is deemed more important than individual expression.
I agree with that. I would also say that is true of men, but in a vastly different way. Women don't just want your cooperation, they want your agreement too. They want everybody to feel what they are feeling, and express that in harmony. Men just want you to do what needs to be done...whether you like it or not. And women just don't like that "whether you like it or not" aspect. Feelings are a bigger part of the equation with women, and the relative absence of consideration for emotions among males bothers women.
e.g. I have been told to tone myself down so as not to hurt someone else's feelings.
On boards where men dominate, that idea that I might hurt someone else's feelings with the wording of my posts has never ever been brought up.
Tell me about it!!
This is the ONLY board where people disagree with me AND make it personal. On other boards I have debated some of the "controversial" issues that I have debated here (Gay Identity, masculinity, etc.) with no flame wars. People on those boards will question my thinking, my logic, my understanding, etc. But they never question my character, my integrity, my sincerity, etc.
Interesting social dynamics.
-
Not a woman, obviously. But I do have some comments
No problem at all, I am interested in hearing from anyone with similar experiences whatever the dynamic.
-
I post on a board where I am the only woman !
:D :D :D :D
The board is about half gay men and half straight.
Been there for going on 2 years, and thankfully, we don't discuss politics, or
religion.
We might disagree on things, but we all end up laughing at the end of the day.
-
That's never been the case with me ... I've only ever wanted my opinion to be respected, that's all. :)
You are you. You are not a group of women. Individuals often behave differently when group dynamics take over.
-
Cool! :D ... but do you talk about PMS and other messy girl stuff?
Nah......... I'm past all that.
I'm old enough to be most of those guys mother !
:D :D
We talk about all kinds of things . Movies, music, cultures, etc.
There can be a drama queen episode or two around there at times, and
it isn't always the gay guys.
;)
-
Ok perhaps some women behave like that when they are grouped together ... but certainly not all women. I can't speak for the on-line community because I've never belonged to an all female one (I'd quite like to join one just for the sake of research). But in real life, me and my friends are quite happy to agree to disagree ... as long as we don't call each other "idiots" in the process.
But I do agree with you that, in my experience, feelings are a bigger part of the equation with women. We do seem to get more hurt by cruel remarks than men do ..... although that's an over generalisation, I've known a few men who have got just as pouty as I have. ::)
Yes, I am - as are all of us - not referring to everyone behaving in this fashion. Just in general in our experiences.
-
Ok perhaps some women behave like that when they are grouped together ... but certainly not all women.
Please note I made a generalization, not an absolutism.
-
... but generalization implies "Most" women ... I'm just substituting that for "Some" women :)
Aha!! Yet another point of friction with inter-gender discourse: reading based on what is "implied," rather than what is written. Men are less prone to do that.
If you're not sure what I mean, or what my intention is, simply ask for a clarification.
-
Aha!! Yet another point of friction with inter-gender discourse: reading based on what is "implied," rather than what is written. Men are less prone to do that.
If you're not sure what I mean, or what my intention is, simply ask for a clarification.
From my experiences on here, men ARE prone to do that.
-
OK Milo point taken :) ... what did you mean by generalization? :)
What I mean is that I have noticed a pattern or prevalence via my own experience, and/or communicating with others who have noticed it.
-
From my experiences on here, men ARE prone to do that.
On here...you bet!!
-
... and perhaps in my experience, men are more prone to pedantry than women.
True. But I don't see that as a drawback. Men tend to gravitate toward empirical stuff. Baseball statistics, philosophy, abstract reasoning, etc. Hell, I do it myself. I can sit and talk about economics, and corporate shit for hours on end without tiring of it.
-
and perhaps in my experience, men are more prone to pedantry than women.
True. But I don't see that as a drawback. Men tend to gravitate toward empirical stuff. Baseball statistics, philosophy, abstract reasoning, etc. Hell, I do it myself. I can sit and talk about economics, and corporate shit for hours on end without tiring of it.
Um, yeah, I don't see pedantry as a problem either. I think men are more famous for being pedantric, but that's not something that's a strictly male trait, IMO. I used to work for a law-firm, we had women lawyers. I have a background in the hard sciences, which many women also share. Teaching is an occupation dominated by women. Women are quite capable and quite commonly as absorbed by following the rules, being obsessed with detail and book learning as any man.