Author Topic: Dealing With Aging Parents  (Read 32881 times)

Offline Kelda

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • Moderator
  • The BetterMost 10,000 Post Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 14,683
  • Zorbing....
    • Keldas Facebook Page!
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #20 on: July 24, 2007, 08:15:40 am »
My mom and I had looked after him at home as long as we could, but I gotta tell you folks:  you can't do that 24/7.  No one can-- unless they don't work, have no other obligations, and can afford to hire private nurses around the clock.  Actually, it was the illnesses that put him in the hospital and then the SNF, so the decision was sort of made for us.
   


I think this ia a good point - my gran lived with my Mum, my sister and I when she sold up her house after my grandpa died. She moved in when I was 3and died when I was 12. In the last few years of her life my Gran & Mum's relationship deteriorated, Gran was very demanding and starting to lose her mind. Gran's relationship with us did too... and I think thats something to remember when considering whether you move your parents in with you. My Mum didn't have a Mum anymore she had someone she loved so much but frustrated her so much more. It wasn't helped by the fact my mother had no partner to help, and my Uncle & his wife was about as useless as an inflatable dart board. Despite living very close - and of course my Gran thought they were brilliant.

In her last few weeks my gran was put in hospital and then she was in a nursing home for 2 weeks. She attended my cousins wedding for 2 hours and 2 days later she died - on her 89th birthday. My Mum always feels remorse she didn't just bring her home for those last 2 weeks... but how was she to know?


I guess what I'm saying is that moving your parent in can be a double edged sword for both of you - which I'm sure you all know.

Like Mel, I dread to think of life without my Mum.. I don't even think about it. I can't.
http://www.idbrass.com

Please use the following links when shopping online -It will help us raise money without costing you a penny.

http://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/idb

http://idb.easysearch.org.uk/

Offline shortfiction

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • Brokeback Got Me Good
  • *****
  • Posts: 271
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #21 on: July 24, 2007, 11:51:56 am »
    To expand a bit on caring for someone at home---just our own situation:
       Dad was not mean or violent, but he was very agitated.  He'd want to get up from the table as soon as he was done eating, so I'd have to jump up and help him get up, supervise his toothbrushing, try to get him settled, etc.   It made it very difficult for mom or me to do anything like water plants, do dishes, laundry, run errands, etc. because he needed to be watched.  He'd come out of his bedroom and nearly topple over because he'd forgotten his walker.  Or he'd be up and wanting to go into the bathroom several times at night, making it tough for us to get any sleep until we hired a night nurse--which, at a rate of $20 per hour for 8 hours, really adds up financially. 
      As I said, the situation was taken out of our hands due to his increasing illnesses and then his insurance and Medicare took over the bills, thank goodness. 
     
     On a side note, a bit OT:   Sometimes I get a bit upset if I hear anyone say that they would never put a parent in a SNF, that they would care for them at home no matter what, etc.   Mostly, these folks have never been in the predicament that we were in.  They don't understand the fatigue, the costs, the drain, the stress, etc. 
      Are there some crappy facilities? Sure, but there are also okay ones and pretty good ones.  The nursing/rehab place Dad was in got him an air bed that was low to the ground so he wouldn't get bedsores and wouldn't fall out of it as he nearly did at home, used no hand restraints like they did in the hospital (seeing dad restrained was horrible--they did it because he was combative and might have flung himself to the floor, but it was still a nightmare),  kept a close eye on him, tried their best to get him to eat and drink, kept him clean, exercised him, etc.   They did the best they could with a tough situation, just as we had tried to do at home. 
Okay, sermon over.



"This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in!"

Offline Kelda

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • Moderator
  • The BetterMost 10,000 Post Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 14,683
  • Zorbing....
    • Keldas Facebook Page!
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #22 on: July 24, 2007, 01:37:18 pm »
    To expand a bit on caring for someone at home---just our own situation:
       Dad was not mean or violent, but he was very agitated.  He'd want to get up from the table as soon as he was done eating, so I'd have to jump up and help him get up, supervise his toothbrushing, try to get him settled, etc.   It made it very difficult for mom or me to do anything like water plants, do dishes, laundry, run errands, etc. because he needed to be watched.  He'd come out of his bedroom and nearly topple over because he'd forgotten his walker.  Or he'd be up and wanting to go into the bathroom several times at night, making it tough for us to get any sleep until we hired a night nurse--which, at a rate of $20 per hour for 8 hours, really adds up financially. 
      As I said, the situation was taken out of our hands due to his increasing illnesses and then his insurance and Medicare took over the bills, thank goodness. 
     
     On a side note, a bit OT:   Sometimes I get a bit upset if I hear anyone say that they would never put a parent in a SNF, that they would care for them at home no matter what, etc.   Mostly, these folks have never been in the predicament that we were in.  They don't understand the fatigue, the costs, the drain, the stress, etc. 
      Are there some crappy facilities? Sure, but there are also okay ones and pretty good ones.  The nursing/rehab place Dad was in got him an air bed that was low to the ground so he wouldn't get bedsores and wouldn't fall out of it as he nearly did at home, used no hand restraints like they did in the hospital (seeing dad restrained was horrible--they did it because he was combative and might have flung himself to the floor, but it was still a nightmare),  kept a close eye on him, tried their best to get him to eat and drink, kept him clean, exercised him, etc.   They did the best they could with a tough situation, just as we had tried to do at home. 
Okay, sermon over.





No sermon just the honest truth - its good to get a balanced view shortfiction as keeping a parent at home is not always best for the parent or the child - I'm glad you found somewhere who cared so well for your father.
http://www.idbrass.com

Please use the following links when shopping online -It will help us raise money without costing you a penny.

http://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/idb

http://idb.easysearch.org.uk/

injest

  • Guest
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #23 on: July 24, 2007, 07:54:39 pm »
I get a lot of hassle from my sister because I have made it very clear that my mother is NOT living with me again. She lived here for almost a year and made my life hell. She constantly criticised...she mocked me. Made messes and left them...

but the constant griping that I wasn't good enough was the worse. I won't let her do that again. I have to have some distance.

She has a habit of making random comments that are so painful. And they are for no reason...sometimes they don't even have anything to do with what is going on. One day she was watching TV with me. I was laughing at something on TV and felt happy. Thought we were having a nice time...I looked over and she was staring at me with this look of total disgust on her face and she said "You are SO ugly"

Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.

So I think a nursing home will be best. I won't let her do that anymore.


Offline Shasta542

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • BetterMost 5000+ Posts Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 7,999
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #24 on: July 24, 2007, 08:01:40 pm »
That is so sad, Jess. Did she just start that since she has been old? I think you are wise to love her from afar--often nursing homes can deal with people much better than someone close. Sometimes people tend to be hateful to those to whom they should be the most loving. You can't live your life with someone who hurts you that much.
"Gettin' tired of your dumbass missin'!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


injest

  • Guest
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #25 on: July 24, 2007, 08:08:26 pm »
no she has always been abusive toward me.

the thing is...now she is getting older and my siblings are heading for the hills (or jail) and the list of people for her to lean on is narrowing daily.

and I do love her and understand on a intellectual level that she is sick....but I have to try to balance helping her with keeping myself safe.

Offline delalluvia

  • BetterMost 5000+ Posts Club
  • *******
  • Posts: 8,289
  • "Truth is an iron bride"
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #26 on: July 24, 2007, 08:10:25 pm »
No sermon just the honest truth - its good to get a balanced view shortfiction as keeping a parent at home is not always best for the parent or the child - I'm glad you found somewhere who cared so well for your father.

Agree.  There's nothing to beat yourself up about.  People need help.  My mother despite having 6 siblings did the bulk of the care for my grandmother before she died.  Her siblings were lazy and not willing to put up with caring for their own mother.  And of course, my grandmother didn't make things easy either.  At the time, my mother was married, working, caring for 2-3 children AND trying to care for her mother.  She finally found a wonderful caretaker who wasn't too expensive and took the lionshare of work from my mother's shoulders while keeping my grandmother in her home.

Then one day she up and quit.  The reason?  My grandmother had threatened to kill her.

My grandmother was never demented.  She did this on purpose.

And when my frustrated mother asked her why she had driven the caretaker away, she replied huffily, "I don't want to be cared for by strangers, you kids need to be caring for me."

She didn't want to or wouldn't understand that most of her kids didn't want to care for her and she had just put all the work back on my mother.

It was a time I don't recall with any pleasure.  My grandmother was not particularly loving, caring or close to us grandkids.  The times we visited were tension-filled, the family gatherings full of acrimony.

My grandmother grew to be too much for my mother to handle and she finally ended up in a nursing home, a place she obviously hated and didn't want to be, and let my mother know it, which of course didn't make my mother feel any better about it.

*sigh*  Sadly, I guess due to the bad memories of the nursing home, my own mother has declared she never wants to be put in a nursing home.  My sister and I have flat out told her that we all may not have a choice.

Offline shortfiction

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • Brokeback Got Me Good
  • *****
  • Posts: 271
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #27 on: July 24, 2007, 08:53:30 pm »
Agree.  There's nothing to beat yourself up about.  People need help.  My mother despite having 6 siblings did the bulk of the care for my grandmother before she died.  Her siblings were lazy and not willing to put up with caring for their own mother.  And of course, my grandmother didn't make things easy either.  At the time, my mother was married, working, caring for 2-3 children AND trying to care for her mother.  She finally found a wonderful caretaker who wasn't too expensive and took the lionshare of work from my mother's shoulders while keeping my grandmother in her home.

Then one day she up and quit.  The reason?  My grandmother had threatened to kill her.

My grandmother was never demented.  She did this on purpose.

And when my frustrated mother asked her why she had driven the caretaker away, she replied huffily, "I don't want to be cared for by strangers, you kids need to be caring for me."

She didn't want to or wouldn't understand that most of her kids didn't want to care for her and she had just put all the work back on my mother.

It was a time I don't recall with any pleasure.  My grandmother was not particularly loving, caring or close to us grandkids.  The times we visited were tension-filled, the family gatherings full of acrimony.

My grandmother grew to be too much for my mother to handle and she finally ended up in a nursing home, a place she obviously hated and didn't want to be, and let my mother know it, which of course didn't make my mother feel any better about it.

*sigh*  Sadly, I guess due to the bad memories of the nursing home, my own mother has declared she never wants to be put in a nursing home.  My sister and I have flat out told her that we all may not have a choice.
              Nowadays, at least there is far more inspection and quality control in nursing homes, generally speaking.   Not that there can't be problems and bad ones around, but they are not all the same.   I know how hard it is, though, to convince some people of this once they have had a bad experience or been in a substandard one.



"This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in!"

Offline Kerry

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • Moderator
  • BetterMost 5000+ Posts Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 7,076
  • ^ In pursuit of Captain Moonlite - 5 Sept 2009
    • Google Profile
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #28 on: July 25, 2007, 10:16:00 am »

It was the 30th anniversary of my Dad's death last May. He was a dear, sweet, gentle man, who loved me unconditionally. I still miss him and sometimes feel his presence very close to me.

My Mum died 16 years ago at age 80. She lived independently in her own home right to the end. She was sharp as a tack mentally and I'm sure she could have gone on forever, if it wasn't for the wretched cancer that carried her off. I lived near my Mum and we saw each other every day, when I would usually drop in to say hello on my way home from work. In the last couple of years of her life, she leaned on me for more support with such things as cleaning, laundry and shopping. I never viewed these things as tasks or chores. Rather, they were things I lovingly wanted to do for my darling Mummy.

On the night my Mum died, I was sitting alone with her, alongside her bed, holding her hand. I still can't explain why I had sat longer than usual with her that particular night. I usually visited her after work and sat with her for a while. She was on morphine during the last three weeks of her life, and was sometimes unaware that I was there. For some reason, on that final night, I sat on with her, longer than usual. Just before she passed away, I felt the presence of my father in the room very strongly. I knew that he was there to greet Mum and take her away with him again, just as he had taken her away with him as his bride, all those years ago, when they were so young and in love. It was an extremely strong feeling of Dad's  presence in the room. I remember thinking, as I sat there holding Mum's hand, that Mum had been in the room with me when I took my first breath in this life and I wanted to be in the room with Mum when she took her last. I saw it as a great privilege to have been with my Mum at the time of her passing, and I have no doubt that when my time comes, my Mum and Dad will be there beside my bed, holding my hand, just as I held Mum's. I don't view this as something sad. Rather, it provides me with great comfort.
   
γνῶθι σεαυτόν

Offline Kelda

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • Moderator
  • The BetterMost 10,000 Post Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 14,683
  • Zorbing....
    • Keldas Facebook Page!
Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #29 on: July 25, 2007, 10:23:37 am »
It was the 30th anniversary of my Dad's death last May. He was a dear, sweet, gentle man, who loved me unconditionally. I still miss him and sometimes feel his presence very close to me.

My Mum died 16 years ago at age 80. She lived independently in her own home right to the end. She was sharp as a tack mentally and I'm sure she could have gone on forever, if it wasn't for the wretched cancer that carried her off. I lived near my Mum and we saw each other every day, when I would usually drop in to say hello on my way home from work. In the last couple of years of her life, she leaned on me for more support with such things as cleaning, laundry and shopping. I never viewed these things as tasks or chores. Rather, they were things I lovingly wanted to do for my darling Mummy.

On the night my Mum died, I was sitting alone with her, alongside her bed, holding her hand. I still can't explain why I had sat longer than usual with her that particular night. I usually visited her after work and sat with her for a while. She was on morphine during the last three weeks of her life, and was sometimes unaware that I was there. For some reason, on that final night, I sat on with her, longer than usual. Just before she passed away, I felt the presence of my father in the room very strongly. I knew that he was there to greet Mum and take her away with him again, just as he had taken her away with him as his bride, all those years ago, when they were so young and in love. It was an extremely strong feeling of Dad's  presence in the room. I remember thinking, as I sat there holding Mum's hand, that Mum had been in the room with me when I took my first breath in this life and I wanted to be in the room with Mum when she took her last. I saw it as a great privilege to have been with my Mum at the time of her passing, and I have no doubt that when my time comes, my Mum and Dad will be there beside my bed, holding my hand, just as I held Mum's. I don't view this as something sad. Rather, it provides me with great comfort.
   

Kerry - you made me cry. So beautiful.

I think you're right...... My mum, sister and I were with my gran holding her hand when she passed away in the hospital bed - she had been rushed there hours earlier form the nursing home. She also had cancer but we only found that out after she died.

The death rattle was setting in and she hadn't said a word since we'd arrived really - then just before she died she just whispered 'Peter' and she was gone in seconds.

That was my grandpa. I'm positive he had come to get her.

http://www.idbrass.com

Please use the following links when shopping online -It will help us raise money without costing you a penny.

http://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/idb

http://idb.easysearch.org.uk/