Author Topic: Dealing With Aging Parents  (Read 34454 times)

Offline ZK

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #70 on: January 18, 2008, 06:40:07 am »
My Mum turned 80 this year and for the last two years shes been in a nursing home. After breaking her hip at home and having several turns, she became increasingly unsafe in her own home. Despite her Doctors recommendation she did not want to leave the her home of 45 plus years, so my middle brother and I were visiting her four times a day, to ensure her morning meds were taken, we got her dressed, then lunch, dinner and eventually tucked her in at night. After 3 months my brother and I were worn out, she was also became unsafe and clearly a danger to herself. It broke our hearts to sit down and explain the need for her to go into care. The first rest home was a bit of a disaster, the second one we moved her to was a new facility and was able to give her the care she needed. After a couple of months she had settled in. She is happy as larry there. The nurses dote on her, they pop in to say hi, and tell her all their problems. Al  the nurses know my life history!! oh the embarrassment. In short the reality was for us, that neither my middle brother nor I could look after Mum, and although we were apprehensive about nursing home care, we had little choice in the sense were unable to provide the level of care she needed. What we did have was a choice in the place where Mum was to stay, it took us some time to find somewhere where the physical care could be provided and  a caring environment(you know some of the nurses even give Mum a hug and a kiss on the cheek at night). Mum no longer wants to be at home, shes happy and content where she is

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #71 on: January 18, 2008, 08:24:27 am »
thank you ZK. I know nursing homes have a bad reputation but sometimes the alternative is worse. WAY worse. Some people just can't be caregivers.

There is a lady at my job that is over sixty, her motherinlaw lived to be over a hundred and this lady refused to allow her to go to a nursing home. Instead she came in everyday, shaking having been up all night....she would be on the phone with the old woman screaming at her at the top of her lungs. Talk about how she wished the old woman would die so she could be free. The old woman wandered outside at night, setting off the alarms and sometimes falling down the steps...

I think about that old woman...how sad her last years were, even though she was 'at home'. The last time she fell, they had to put her in a nursing home for therapy. The woman begged them not to take her home. She wanted to stay with there....she went out to dinner  with a group, she got her hair done...there was an old man that flirted with her.

and the woman I worked with was much more relaxed and talked about enjoying visiting her there.

If only they had done it years earlier...

Offline Kelda

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #72 on: January 18, 2008, 03:50:49 pm »
Mum no longer wants to be at home, shes happy and content where she is


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Offline Artiste

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #73 on: January 18, 2008, 07:54:32 pm »
I need help here too, like all of you maybe!!

My mother is in her 80's!

And I am no spring chicken! Maybe I am a parent!

Hugs!

Offline Artiste

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #74 on: March 11, 2008, 02:26:52 pm »
I sure would like to know more about how to deal with an aging parents!!

Any help?

Au revoir,
hugs!

Offline optom3

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #75 on: March 11, 2008, 07:04:32 pm »
Like most of my life at the moment this is a difficult one for me.We are here in the USA and all parents are back in the U.K.Because of a mess up with our visa renewal,we are on a Visa extension.This means for the next year untill our visa renews we are landlocked.
I am terrified of anything happening to my parents in the meantime.

My dad is 75 but very healthy.my mum is 73 and very unhealthy.My mum in law is 70 and pretty fit my father in law is 95 and not so fit!!!!
If they became ill or die before our Visa renews we could go to them but then would only be allowed back into the states for 30 days.Not much time to sell a business and house in todays economic climate.Also my children have all made their lives here.They do not want to go back to England,even the older one.
So it is a situation that haunts me on an almost daily basis.If they died that would be horrendous if I did not go to the funeral,but by far the worst scenario would be,if they were very ill and I did not get to say goodbye.
Who comes first,parents or kids.I just pray that the visa renews,before anything happens to them.Once it renews as opposed to extending we are free to leave and re enter the country again.
My husband is much more pragmatic,he says as regards his parents,he said his goodbyes when we left England.He would not jeopardise the kids futures here by leaving for funerals or sickness.I know deep down I would stay for the kids,but I also know the guilt would haunt me for ever.
Keep your fingers crossed for a speedy renewal for us,so we do not have to face this situation.We only have to get through about another 6-7 months and then we are O.K again
It has happened to a few English people here on E2 visa extensions and their tales are heart breaking.

Offline Kelda

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #76 on: March 11, 2008, 07:18:40 pm »
thats a hard situation  to be in  :-\
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Offline delalluvia

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #77 on: March 11, 2008, 07:25:55 pm »
Like most of my life at the moment this is a difficult one for me.We are here in the USA and all parents are back in the U.K.Because of a mess up with our visa renewal,we are on a Visa extension.This means for the next year untill our visa renews we are landlocked.
I am terrified of anything happening to my parents in the meantime.

My dad is 75 but very healthy.my mum is 73 and very unhealthy.My mum in law is 70 and pretty fit my father in law is 95 and not so fit!!!!
If they became ill or die before our Visa renews we could go to them but then would only be allowed back into the states for 30 days.Not much time to sell a business and house in todays economic climate.Also my children have all made their lives here.They do not want to go back to England,even the older one.
So it is a situation that haunts me on an almost daily basis.If they died that would be horrendous if I did not go to the funeral,but by far the worst scenario would be,if they were very ill and I did not get to say goodbye.
Who comes first,parents or kids.I just pray that the visa renews,before anything happens to them.Once it renews as opposed to extending we are free to leave and re enter the country again.
My husband is much more pragmatic,he says as regards his parents,he said his goodbyes when we left England.He would not jeopardise the kids futures here by leaving for funerals or sickness.I know deep down I would stay for the kids,but I also know the guilt would haunt me for ever.
Keep your fingers crossed for a speedy renewal for us,so we do not have to face this situation.We only have to get through about another 6-7 months and then we are O.K again
It has happened to a few English people here on E2 visa extensions and their tales are heart breaking.


Poor thing.  It is a tough choice.  Your husband is a lucky man.  My ex-BF had parents who were very accepting of his freedom to live his own life.  Unfortunately the rest of us are stuck with aging parents who not only want their children to care for them, they expect them to and also want to stay in their own homes and can be so self-absorbed by their own problems that they ignore or forget that you can't just drop everything at anytime, that you're tired and have your own chores to do, and can't talk or deal with their financial issues when you're at work.  We struggled to care for them, have given up our dreams so we can stay nearby "just in case" and pretty soon they will end up in a nursing home all the same kicking and screaming all the way.  It can be a bitter pill to swallow.

Offline Artiste

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #78 on: March 11, 2008, 08:36:08 pm »
Thanks delalluvia, thanks kelda, thanks optom3!!!

Yes, it is hard to be away so far from relatives. My aunt is in North California and she can NOT travel anymore since she has been too sick. My uncle in South California had open heart surgery! My aunt in Arizona is not well neither.
And the list goes on.

It is impossible to see everyone. Mother who is too sick can not travel neither. So, I keep being with her.

Even if air planes were helpful, after cars on long roads, everything is too much time, etc., now... to do so.
Old age sure is not what we want... but we all take turns to be sick. Some old persons live so brilliantly and are very well, even race, walk for miles, and they are envied by me!

Wow, how times passes quickly! I sure wish we could go back and relive our own youth! Wow, that would be fun and I would change things more, I suppose?

Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!

Offline delalluvia

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #79 on: March 11, 2008, 08:48:32 pm »
Thanks delalluvia, thanks kelda, thanks optom3!!!

Yes, it is hard to be away so far from relatives. My aunt is in North California and she can NOT travel anymore since she has been too sick. My uncle in South California had open heart surgery! My aunt in Arizona is not well neither.
And the list goes on.

It is impossible to see everyone. Mother who is too sick can not travel neither. So, I keep being with her.

Even if air planes were helpful, after cars on long roads, everything is too much time, etc., now... to do so.
Old age sure is not what we want... but we all take turns to be sick. Some old persons live so brilliantly and are very well, even race, walk for miles, and they are envied by me!

Wow, how times passes quickly! I sure wish we could go back and relive our own youth! Wow, that would be fun and I would change things more, I suppose?

Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!

Very true Artist, we all want longer lives, but only if we're in excellent shape and able to continue to be independent.  Seeing how my dad and now my mom have become so decrepit and chronically ill, makes me wonder if that's how I really want to end up.