Author Topic: Dealing With Aging Parents  (Read 32354 times)

Offline Artiste

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #80 on: March 11, 2008, 09:41:28 pm »
Thanks susie, thanks delalluvia!!

Quote
   I don't think I am equipped to.

 
............

I did not think so neither, and I learn everyday, since we take turns Mother and I being sick. And one of my brothers, we can telephone him anytime and he comes to help, so helpful and quiet he is, that he calms us down and we all become happy again!!! At least, he visits weekly. We give him chores, like fix electricity, he learned that from father; he fixed often water taps, etc; boy, we sure save money with him and we loved him dearly for all his wondrous helps and encouragements. Glad that you are with your mother; maybe your father will become closer by fixing things?

.............

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makes me wonder if that's how I really want to end up.

..........
Moi aussi,
me too!! However, that is one reason among many that we can and must keep ourselves healthy, right??

How??

Hugs, hugs!!

Offline optom3

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #81 on: March 11, 2008, 09:57:32 pm »
Very true Artist, we all want longer lives, but only if we're in excellent shape and able to continue to be independent.  Seeing how my dad and now my mom have become so decrepit and chronically ill, makes me wonder if that's how I really want to end up.

I really hope I have inherited my fathers genes.He is fit as  a fidle and looks 10 years younger than he is.He is realy my mothers care giver,so I also hope he outlasts her.
I had a terrible argument with my brother before we moved here.I have helped with my mother for the past 15 years.She is not only incapacitated,but has become very unpleasant with it,particularly towards me.
Sometimes I think my dad must really love her to put up with it.Anyway,my brother was aking who was going to help if dad became ill.I pointed out that after 20 years of living in Japan and leaving it all to me,perhaps it could be his turn.Also his work is all on a computer so totaly portble.Not only that his wife and child live in India(messy) so he travels a lot anyway.Our business is not portable and we have 3 kids who live with us.
He thought I was unreasonable and should stay in England and continue as before.
FAMILIES YOU CAN'T PICK THEM!!!!!!

Offline Artiste

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #82 on: March 11, 2008, 10:46:33 pm »
Thanks optoms!

Very true, that families are there, at times!

Just wishing not so far away! Miles!!

And heart away too sometimes!

So, guess it is important to reknew friendships with family!! Forever!!

Hugs to you! Do your kids, you and husband have a dog? Here is mother's, entering from to-day's snow having melted on him!!

Offline optom3

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #83 on: March 11, 2008, 10:58:03 pm »
Thanks optoms!

Very true, that families are there, at times!

Just wishing not so far away! Miles!!

And heart away too sometimes!

So, guess it is important to reknew friendships with family!! Forever!!

Hugs to you! Do your kids, you and husband have a dog? Here is mother's, entering from to-day's snow having melted on him!!

Yes we do a golden retriever and mini maltese.Like little and large.The retriever gives the maltese rides on her back,so cute,she even lets her swing on her tail.An amazingly beautiful tempered and patient dog.The maltese is just cute.We also have 2 cats,so its quite a full house!!!!!
I would hate a house without animals.or for that matter flowers,although its an uphill struggle trying to stop the cats eating the flowers,don't ask me why!!!!

Offline delalluvia

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #84 on: March 11, 2008, 11:05:32 pm »
I don't know how we can stay healthy, Artiste.

My mother was very healthy and active up until recently, but then things happened to her that were out of her control.

She's been living with cancer ever since I was young.  Due to all the chemotherapy she's taken over the years, her heart has become weak and has started leaking.  Then, surprising all of us, like an internal hernia, the muscle of her diaphragm slipped out of place and is pressing against her left lung limiting her intake of air.

So now, she can no longer exercise to keep strong due to her weakened heart, nor could she if she tried due to her restricted lung capacity.  So she's becoming weaker and weaker.  A couple of years ago the woman was mowing her own lawn, today, she can barely walk from one room to another without getting out of breath and dizzy.  It is difficult for her to even get out of her walker/chair.  She often doesn't make it to the toilet on time.  :( :( :(

None of what has sapped her strength and her quality of life is something she could control.

It grieves me to watch her frustration with herself and her lack of independence and it terrifies me that I'll end up like her.

Offline ZK

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #85 on: March 12, 2008, 02:29:09 am »
FAMILIES YOU CAN'T PICK THEM!!!!!!

I have two elder brothers (by 10 and 8 years), my middle brother and I helped Mum look after my Dad when he became ill with Parkinsons. When Mum became ill, it was my middle brother and I wore took care of her. My eldest brother did virtually nothing (only once did he ever get Mum changed for bed and tuck her in, he never took her and helped her with the loo, changed her clothes, fed her, took her to the doctors).
Even when Mum was rushed off to hospital by Ambulance (which I lose count the number of times) he'd ring the hospital to see if she would last the night or not, and then decide to visit her! Even when I begged him to help us, because both my middle brother and I were scareley coping his reply was that his priority was his immediate family only. Yet here he is the "christian" amongst our family (he doesn't count the rest of us as any because we are a different denomination to him).
Sorry if I sound bitter, but I am so over him.  However heres a wee quote I like and rings true for me, I have the best friend ever who is always there for me and would help me with anything, even to look after Mum. Shes the sister I never had

"Friends are the family we choose"



Offline Artiste

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #86 on: March 12, 2008, 09:28:20 pm »
Thanks ZK, thanks delalluvia, thanks optom!!!

Wow:
Quote
The retriever gives the maltese rides on her back,so cute,she even lets her swing on her tail.An amazingly beautiful tempered and patient dog.The maltese is just cute
........

Wow, would I ever love to see that. Ever thought of making a clip of that for us and you?? Maybe your kids and husband can help you make that movie? Ride on a tail? That might be a first in the world?

.........

Will reply later to you and to others (remind me, if I forget please).

I must rest bit for now.

Au revoir,
hugs! Mother's dog... sure keeps her and I busy and happy too!! I heard that we survive longer if we have a pet?

Offline delalluvia

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #87 on: March 12, 2008, 11:29:04 pm »
My aunt the nurse just called.

She had spoken with my mother yesterday and she was worried about the tone in her voice.

"I just wanted to tell you what the doctors told me the last time I took your mom to the doctor."

"OK."

"I was told you mother probably won't see her next birthday."

My mom's birthday is in April.

I said, "Oh?"

I didn't know what to say.  What do you say to something like that?

Instead I reassured my aunt that I had just - not a half hour earlier - been at my mom's visiting, taking groceries.  She had eaten a big bowl of soup and crackers, a big mug of milk while I was there and had been in good spirits.  We had made plans to take her to her new church on Easter weekend.

My mom's favorite holiday.

I knew she had had a digestive oopsie the day before but she'd been very sick to her stomach then.  She was better now.

I suppose my aunt was trying to be helpful, letting us know if we didn't already that my mom had basically been sent home to die.

My matter of fact reply, "Yes, we know.  We talk to the doctors.  Mom told us." must have nonplussed her.  I suppose she must have been expecting some drama?

We've been living with this for so long, we know she's fading and there's not a damned thing any of us can do about it.  It's massively sad and depressing and you feel so helpless, but what good does it do to linger on it?

She's alive now, so I let her live.

I try to let her live her life, be as independent as she can be, while helping when she can't.  We talk work, neighborhood and family gossip, politics.

My aunt suggested we send hospice nurses to check on my mother and she thought someone should check on her every day.

I let that suggestion hang in the air.

My aunt - my mother's sister, with no young children, no husband and long retired - did not volunteer.

So I just said, "We call her almost every day, someone goes to visit at least 2-4 times a week."

I guess, I don't know why she called.  Just an FYI, I suppose.

So now, I'm pretty bummed but am going to try to not let it get me too depressed. 

I'm betting she will make it to her birthday.

Offline optom3

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #88 on: March 13, 2008, 10:32:17 am »
to dellaluvia,
it is my experience that some people just like to "spread" bad news, almost relish it.That may be the case with your Aunt.
I am only posing a possibility.It is like my mother in law,she scans the deaths columns of the news paper and the 1st 5 mins of every phone call she has with my husband is always who ha died.
I sometimes wonder if it is like hah!!!! outlasted her/him sort of situation.
We get to hear of deaths before any births!!!! and my husband does not even listen for the 1st 5 mins of calls now,just says yes/no at intervals.
All you can do, is whatever time your mom has, is make sure she lives it ths best she can,on the days she can.We all know we are going to die,some people can accept it esier than others.
Me,it scares witless,but maybe as you get older you become more at ease with it.
If it is any help,my mom used to be a nurse on intensive care,and witnessed many deaths.She always maintained that she never saw one that was not peaceful at the very end,even following horrendous pain and illness.
A good friend of mine died way too young ,34,but she died at home in her fathers arms after battling cancer for 4 years.He said she got out of bed despite being incredibly weak.Sat on her fathers lap,insisting she did not want to get back in bed,and then quietly slipped away.
That made me feel better.
I am not of any religious faith, and only passing on from my own and mothers experience.
Keep strong,and be guided by your own instincts.

Offline delalluvia

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Re: Dealing With Aging Parents
« Reply #89 on: March 14, 2008, 11:33:53 pm »
Thank you, I think you're right about my aunt.  Some people can't wait to be the bearer of news be it bad or good.  Or, under the guise of being helpful and informative, call to tell you bad news.  I recall the horrendous morning I had once, on my way to school, my job was part-time in the afternoon, when a co-worker called me at home to 'just let me know' that they were going to lay me off that day.

 :-\

So, thanks to her 'warning' I got to fret and get more and more upset about it all day before I got to the office that afternoon.  Longest morning of my life.

Then, I didn't get laid off that day.  It was about a month later that they finally did it.  >:(