Dealing With Aging Parents

[injest]

My mother is 85 years old, and regressing. She is trying to remain a part of the active world, but sometimes she just does not think.

I will be busy as hell and she will call my cell, I let it go to voice mail, a minute later she is on the office phone. Why didn;t you answer your phone? Are you sick?

I want to tell her yes.

{{Truman}}

[dot-matrix]

I talked to my Daddy on the telephone today.  He will be 80 in October.  He has trouble following the conversation anymore, suddenly he's responding to something I did not say.  His hearing is shot so even with the special phone attachment we got him, I have to shout into the phone otherwise he can't hear me at all but pretends he can...so he won't hurt MY feelings he says.

The day is coming when he will have to come live with us or my brother.  He'll hate it.  My prayer, selfish as it may sound, is that he dies peacefully in his sleep, in his own bed, on his beloved ranch before that eventuality becomes a reality.   

[Kerry]

The day is coming when he will have to come live with us or my brother.  He'll hate it.  My prayer, selfish as it may sound, is that he dies peacefully in his sleep, in his own bed, on his beloved ranch before that eventuality becomes a reality.   

Doesn't sound selfish to me at all, Dottie LOL. You say that your Dad would hate to have to leave his beloved ranch. I suspect he may share your same desire - to depart this life in the beautiful way you described, tucked-up snug and secure in his own sweet lil bed. Come to think of it, that's just the way I'd like to go too.

   [[[Dottie]]]   

[Shakesthecoffecan]

We are all having a time, ain;t we? And I don;t see it getting better anytime soon.


((((((((((((((All Ya'll)))))))))))))))

[injest]

but lort it is a relief to have a place to talk about it.

this is a rant. So don't feel you have to read it....but I have held it in all day and all that got me thru was I knew I could come here and vent! 

My mother has Medicaid and Medicare. They will pay for a lift and a home health care worker. But she doesn't want to worry about all that until she finds out if she will need surgery or not (in two weeks). Because it is HER decision!! She is a grown up!

But it affects me, my sister, and our families! She weighs over 200 pounds and can't do anything for herself. My husband and brother in law have to lift her up and down from bed to wheelchair...and my husband is strong but 200 pounds of unweildy dead weight is a lot different than a bale of hay. What if he throws his back out trying to move her? What if they both fall? How will I run the farm with him out?

and with her not wanting to move I am worried about bed sores....

She says she is trying to not be a burden but if she REALLY wants to not be a burden or bother...ask US what we would like to do! She thinks that if she doesn't have surgery she can go back to her apartment. Have a home health care worker come out during the day and stay by herself at night.

Right, she can't move at all on her own....that is a real smart solution....how is she gonna use the bathroom? what if the place catches fire? 

She needs to be realistic and let US decide what we can do or can't do. Don driving over an hour to move her from her chair to the bed is NOT reasonable and 'not being a bother' HE is being very sweet about it and all...but still.

[David In Indy]

My Daddy called me late last night and told me he thought his kidneys were failing. He said he hadn't urinated since twelve noon. We had a scare about 15 years ago. He was admitted in the hospital with failing kidneys. They started him on dialysis and somehow jump started his kidneys. He has been fine ever since, kidney wise that is. But last night sure was a scare for me. This morning I called him up early, and he said he was fine.

I have no idea what's going on here. He gets confused sometimes and calls me for all kinds of strange and weird reasons. Sometimes I think he wants me to come over there and keep him company, which I do. But things like this aren't funny. I think Dad is beginning to revert back to his childhood a little, and I hate to see this happen. He's beginning to seek attention for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he really did have kidney problems last night, and I'm grateful he's okay. But these things sure do scare me.

I'll go visit him again tomorrow. 

[Kerry]

but lort it is a relief to have a place to talk about it.

My heart really goes out to you, Jess. This is such a stressful time for any family. I guess it doesn't get much more stressful than dealing with the infirmity, care and inevitable death of a beloved member of one's family.

My own Mum was a very strong, independently minded woman. Might be something to do with that particular generation. They lived through World War II and the Great Depression and it made them very strong, independent people. I was fortunate with my Mum, however, in that she was always happy to take advice and seek assistance, particularly as her capacity for mobility declined in later years. Didn't stop her sticking up for herself and speaking out when she thought it appropriate, though. And she was sometimes stubborn and would give cheek on occasion. Yikes, I think I'm turning into my mother!     

But I digress. The main reason I'm writing at this time is to mention that we have an Aged Care Assessment Team (ACAT) system here in Australia. The members of the ACAT teams are local health care professionals who assess every aspect of  each aged care patient - physically, mentally, societally, the lot. Their entire raison d'etre is to obtain the best possible outcome for the patient, and as an extension of that, for the families and carers also.

I was wondering if you have such a system in the USA, Jess. In Australia, the ACAT teams are attached to the local public hospitals and as such, their services are free. From what I understand, they obtain excellent results. Often, when the family has been unsuccessful with their loved one, the ACAT team will be successful in convincing the patient to take a particular course of action.

I guess it works because they are external to the family and can, therefore, view the situation objectively. And as an extension of that, the aged person will often accept what they recommend, where they wouldn't accept their family's proposals.

I hope you have something similar to ACAT in Texas, Jess. If you do, don't hesitate to call upon them. 

   [[[Jess]]]    

[Kerry]

My Daddy called me late last night and told me he thought his kidneys were failing. He said he hadn't urinated since twelve noon. We had a scare about 15 years ago. He was admitted in the hospital with failing kidneys. They started him on dialysis and somehow jump started his kidneys. He has been fine ever since, kidney wise that is. But last night sure was a scare for me. This morning I called him up early, and he said he was fine.

I have no idea what's going on here. He gets confused sometimes and calls me for all kinds of strange and weird reasons. Sometimes I think he wants me to come over there and keep him company, which I do. But things like this aren't funny. I think Dad is beginning to revert back to his childhood a little, and I hate to see this happen. He's beginning to seek attention for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he really did have kidney problems last night, and I'm grateful he's okay. But these things sure do scare me.

I'll go visit him again tomorrow. 

I'm a firm believer in seeking professional advice, David, even if there's only the tiniest doubt. Professionals can assess situations objectively, without the emotional involvement.

I hope you will find your Dad in better health, when you visit him tomorrow. And I know you'll give him a big hug. 

Another important thing is that it's easy to ignore our own wellbeing at times such as these. We become so preoccupied with the care of our loved one. It's important to give ourselves plenty of tender loving care at times such as these.

   [[[David]]]   

[Kelda]

Another important thing is that it's easy to ignore our own wellbeing at times such as these. We become so preoccupied with the care of our loved one. It's important to give ourselves plenty of tender loving care at times such as these.

Yes, while i can't offer any practicel advice to you David, Tru & jess - this is an impirtant thing to remember!

Hugs & to all three of you!

[serious crayons]

Who do you recommend crayons?  Neither I nor my sister are very rich nor dirt poor - now.  But get us sick enough to miss several months worth of paycheck then we're no better off than a homeless person since we're supporting ourselves.

I'm sorry, Del. I fell behind on this thread and didn't realize you'd asked me a question. Tomorrow I will look into it and give you any info I can find via PM. I don't know if my mom's same policy is still available, but I can't say enough to praise it. She is in a nursing home and thanks to her insurance is actually making more money than she spends, not including her mandatory payments from her 401(k). It won't last forever, but if her life extends beyond the insurance she'll have built up a big big cushion.