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« on: August 04, 2007, 02:03:41 pm »

Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...   


 by - allentownboy (Sat Dec 17 2005 08:50:53 )
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I saw Brokeback Mountain yesterday evening and I am full of regrets…

My eyes are red and swollen this morning, and still I cannot stop these feelings from overwhelming me due to the emotional gut punch I received after having given over 2 hours of my life to an experience that had very deep personal ramifications.

I regret I wasn’t more prepared.

I regret I allowed reviews and opinions shape my suppositions about the movie.

I regret my initial fear of seeing this alone because I subconsciously tapped into my own self-loathing about my own being.

And I regret the time I have lost to not understanding or truly accepting…me.

I cannot and will not spoil the film with any detailed accounts, other than to say that three scenes laid me to waste, and I couldn’t stop the tears. When Ennis holds and smells Jack’s shirt and jacket, the coldness displayed by Jack’s wife who knew the real reason for his death and how it occurred, and the final scene when a lifetime of regrets, sadness and longing play across Ennis’ face in a shot that couldn’t have lasted more than 15-20 seconds.

I couldn’t stop crying, along with many in the theatre who stayed after the final credits began to roll.

My head in my hands, sobbing silently for all own personal regrets and lost opportunities led to something deeply moving and beautiful that will stay with me a long time. An older married couple in the row in front of me got up to leave after they themselves took some time to recover from the impact of the film. They must have seen me sitting alone and crying, because they came around to sit next to me. The woman put her arm around me, which startled me as I was lost in my own moment, and simply said through her own tears, “I understand” then both got up to leave out of the side entrance of the theatre. I don’t know that I understood at the time just what she meant, but I think I am beginning to. Whomever you both were, I am grateful to you.

Christopher, it has been ten years together. There have been ups and downs as I have wrestled with personal demons I never understood or believed I had. I always told you I never went through a “coming out period”, that I had always been comfortable in my own skin, but I lied to myself and to you. I am sorry for any pain I have caused you, and myself, for it was so unnecessary in retrospect.

I am grateful that I saw this by myself. I needed to have this cathartic experience, intensely and surprisingly personal as it was, alone. I needed to remember the fear and shame, the aching loneliness, the raw overpowering need for a connection I couldn’t put a name to, and the journey to self-awareness that I find I am still on, even at 36. You have always understood. I don’t want to live my life afraid of being happy. I know that now.

And I will never forget.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - TheFabulousThomasJ (Sat Dec 17 2005 08:54:53 )
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 Tom


Thank you for sharing your experience.    


 by - everwrites (Sat Dec 17 2005 08:57:45 )
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It is indeed a powerful movie. I did not cry in the theater when I first saw it but I have been crying here and there since then. It haunts you. And it taps into aspects of the souls of gay people in mysterious ways.

We've all felt love. We've all felt alone. We've all been afraid. And we've all been ashamed. No matter which of these we have let rule our life, this movie speaks to us.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - snappledragon (Sat Dec 17 2005 08:58:10 )
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<3

Oh, that made me cry.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - newbie_23x (Sat Dec 17 2005 09:10:01 )
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Although I haven't watched the movie yet, I'm sure tears will be rolling down my face as well. If you read the stories at the BBM-website from hundreds of people from all over the world, it's clear that people cannot suppres feelings of love, wether it's heterosexual or homosexual love. It's a force of nature and ignoring it will haunt you forever. Watching this film, many people start to think about the decisions they made in their own life and past as well as the feelings and experiences they've had with that one true love of their life. This movie brings it all from the back of the mind and throws it in your face. Crying is probably the only thing one can do at that moment...and it can be so relieving as well.

Re: Thank you for sharing your experience.    


 by - allentownboy (Sat Dec 17 2005 09:28:08 )
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I think I am still personally trying to decipher the message that the movie left me with, and it may be a long time before I absorb it.

Your use of the word "haunt" is more true than I realized.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - shoeihell (Sat Dec 17 2005 09:37:00 )
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Dude...the way I see it your heart has come full circle-meaning that you have gotten back what was once innocent and boyish.....what it is like to 'feel' the world again and the others around you. So in many senses and on many levels, consider the movie a triumph of heart in a very personal odyssey....


Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - oilgun (Sat Dec 17 2005 09:49:59 )
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Thanks for that touching post. I saw the film yesterday and it's been haunting me too. My eyes teared up while watching it and on and off since then but reading your post really made me lose control and finally let go of some of the grief and sadness I've been feeling. A bit of a delayed reaction, I was so worried about losing it in the theatre.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Sat Dec 17 2005 09:58:48 )
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I didn't think I would still be as emotional as I am currently about the experience. And I CERTAINLY didn't think I was going to lose it in the theatre like I did. It tapped something in me that I suppose I repressed intentionally and had forgotten mostly about.

Thanks for your kind post.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - jakubg (Sat Dec 17 2005 10:04:25 )
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Thank you for sharing your feelings and personal experience. I am happy for you that it seems like this movie had a positive (but wrenching) impact on your personal journey and quest to be happy.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - BoJustBo (Sat Dec 17 2005 10:07:53 )
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Thank you for that.

I think the quote that appears in the L.A. Times today, advertising "Brokeback", sums it up pretty well:

"Exceptional love stories come and go, but this one stays with you.
It is so full of life and longing, and true romance. An epic with singular intimacy and grace."
--Wall Street Journal

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Sat Dec 17 2005 10:30:45 )
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Re-reading it did a number on me again too, and I wrote it. I am having a hard time processing things right now....

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - DUDEWERZMYCHEESE (Sat Dec 17 2005 10:50:34 )
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That was a beautiful post, and it made me tear up, especially because I went to see it with my friend Stephen, a junior in high school, and it completely broke my heart to see his reaction to it. He just came out last year, and he's literally one of the happiest, smartest and most fun people I've ever met. Seeing him so broken up over it just killed me. I'd never even seen him SAD, and then to see him sobbing and unable to be consoled...

This movie is truly a masterpiece. For me, the shock and sadness was so great that me, ms. sensitivity, only managed a few tears and the end of it. Then I went home and read the short story for the first time, and I finally cried. I saw it again the next day, and it was only the second time around that it really hit me. I was a wreck. I just couldn't stop sobbing. For at least 4 days after seeing it, I had a physical PAIN in my stomach. The feelings of regret, loss, hurt and sorrow are just TOO raw and TOO real. I saw it over a week ago, but still I am unable to stop thinking about the aching and the loneliness that could only be quenched those scarce few times they were together.

I have literally BEEN Ennis ever since seeing it. I can't help feeling like I'm HIM all the time. I understand EVERY emotion he must have felt as he stood in his trailer, even as a inexperienced 16 year old straight girl who has never been in love. THAT is true film making.

"You know it could be like this, just like this, always." - Jack Twist, Brokeback Mountain

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - Ricky72158 (Sat Dec 17 2005 11:00:20 )
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I feel for you I really do. But I don't have many regrets. Out of the 2 characters I associated more with Jack anyway. He seemed comfortable in his own skin, more romantic, more self aware etc. I came out at 20 and had struggled in the past with an affair in college. Are we or aren't we? He later said he wasn't but I was.

As for the movie...well its beautiful, haunting, sincere. I loved the music as well, that small guitar pick seems to stay with you and climaxes just as the screen goes dark at the end.

This film is branded instant classic to me but how will it play in Peoria? Will straight people conect with it the way gay people do? I saw it in a theater that seemed to have a broad spectrum of people. There were male couples, older straigh couples, and many many young women. I have a feeling a lot of gals might drag their boyfriends to see it (as they well should).

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - nvonstein (Sat Dec 17 2005 11:08:31 )
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Thanx so much for yout moving account.

This is why the film was made.
YOu inspire us more........

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - ACowboysGirL (Sat Dec 17 2005 15:03:06 )
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ok...
i liked ur post, def. why the film was made...
but i hadnt seen the movie yet andddd now i know what happens Sad
effin Canada, i want it to come here! lol
its only in Toronto, not to Alberta yet Sad
Dont.Squat.With.Your.Spurs.On

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Sat Dec 17 2005 15:38:12 )
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Soon enough, soon enough...

It was worth every minute, though it is long.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - ayang71 (Sun Dec 18 2005 03:56:19 )
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thanks fro sharing that, it is moving

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Mon Dec 19 2005 10:48:36 )
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Thank you...

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - tmjim (Mon Dec 19 2005 11:01:30 )
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I am happy for you. This movie will effect many people.
It has done this for me.

Be reading the short story, it was instrumental in reuniting my lover and I of 10 years. We had broken up a year ago and were having trouble staying away from each other. We both read the story and started to feel that we were powerless against the love we have for each other. And no matter the outside elements that made us part, we have no choice but to be together.

We saw the film together yesterday, went home. And then spent four hours on the hpone just crying and healing and getting even closer.

Thank you E. Annie Proulx, Ang Lee and all involved. Your movie changed my life.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - tmjim (Mon Dec 19 2005 11:24:08 )
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bump

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - paintedponyxox (Mon Dec 19 2005 11:34:10 )
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I am glad you shared this (and that no idiots have left any cruel responses to it). If this film can affect everybody just a tenth as much as it moved you, that will be a wonderful thing. I would like to hope this is Ang Lee's "I Have A Dream" speech - something everyone will look back on many years from now when everything is better for people like you and think, He was right.
There are many, many more people out there like that couple in the theatre who feel for you - everyone who responded to this post, in fact. We all put our arms around you. You take care.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - ndatmo-1 (Mon Dec 19 2005 11:42:22 )
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allentownboy --- Thanks for your generosity in sharing such a deeply personal real life vignette. As with everyone else, just reading it kills me... as did BROKEBACK itself. The detail about the couple who comforted you is one of the most touching things about it (theres a fascinating story resting with them, I'm quite sure). In an odd way you have helped me feel a little less obsessive/nuts about coming here so many times to commiserate, do battle, goof around and (in my teeny way) promote the living daylights out of this very good film. Having been lucky enough to see it way in advance of most people, I immediately sensed how profound it could be for so many people and felt like this was the time to "help it". At a Q&A following one of the 3 screenings I attended, Ang Lee told how "the story would not leave him alone" and that seems to be true for all but the frightened and hostile few who lamentably can't seem to find themselves in the universality of Jack and Ennis'lives. Anyway, thanks again for your story. You, me, the nice couple and everyone just about to enter their theatres... Here's to to ever-widening ripples emanating from our own BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - Superlove999 (Mon Dec 19 2005 11:50:42 )
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Thank you for posting this. Take care of yourself.

*Hug*

___________________
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." -Woody Allen

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - nipitho (Mon Dec 19 2005 12:14:57 )
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oh god. I didn't cry at the theater. but i walked out completely heart broken. After reading the original post though, i'm like the Niagara Falls with convulsions. I also have my own demons and regrets. The movie started to make me confront them. The original post shared with me that someone else is going through the same thing.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Mon Dec 19 2005 12:33:57 )
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Thank you for such a wonderful post. I never went in there thinking it would hit me the way it did, but it tapped something that I never knew was just under the surface, and the process of absorbing and understanding what the film did to me still is taking place. Rarely has a film moved me to re-examine my own life and the choices I have made for better or worse, and this is absolutely the kind of film I needed to make certain connections to places in myself I needed to confront.

Bless you for understanding.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Mon Dec 19 2005 12:36:40 )
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I think the thing that continues to overwhelm is is how universal the human condition in this film is, and how it can bring us together to see past our preconceptions about ourselves and others. Thank you for the post and understanding. It certainly was embarassingly raw of me, but something I needed to share.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - nalgene (Mon Dec 19 2005 12:39:25 )
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 UPDATED Mon Dec 19 2005 12:40:41

 
The first post on this that really made me tear up. Beautiful.

In fact, I was so worked up over the movie when I saw it, that I couldn't cry. I thought, on the walk home maybe I will cry and I won't care what the New Yorkers I pass think. But I didn't. Then I thought I would just let it all out when I got home. But nothing came. It's touched me in such a way, that I can't cry. And if you knew me, you'd know that was weird.

I need a good cry over this thing! Ugh. Maybe when I see it again.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Mon Dec 19 2005 12:46:15 )
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After I stopped the crying, the haunting aspect came into play. It has been on my mind CONSTANTLY and the process of digesting this is still ongoing. I wake up thiking about the message, it lasts throughout the day, and I go to bed still absorbing. The palette of this film is so dense, textured and rich that taking it all in in one shot is almost impossible.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - potc-2 (Mon Dec 19 2005 12:59:46 )
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I havent seen it but the touching accounts is making me worry about my inability to hold it together. I have many who want to see it with me but I am leaning towards going myself. After reading the short story, I felt an inability to do anything without somehow thinking of BBM. This is a work of art that will considered a masterpiece of our time for years to come.
 
I am glad you shared this (and that no idiots have left any cruel responses to it). If this film can affect everybody just a tenth as much as it moved you, that will be a wonderful thing. I would like to hope this is Ang Lee's "I Have A Dream" speech - something everyone will look back on many years from now when everything is better for people like you and think, He was right.
 


I agree. This has been a beautiful thread. Thanks for sharing. I completely agree, years from now people will praise Ang Lee and be like he saw what others couldnt, Love is a force of nature--no matter what u r sexually.

This is to Ang Lee and all of us who saw the beauty of BBM.



"You know it could be like this, just like this, always."
I heart Jake and Heath <3

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - Adridere (Mon Dec 19 2005 13:07:02 )
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Your post moved me deeply. I hope you let us know how did it go with Christopher.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Mon Dec 19 2005 13:12:31 )
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He rread this post, and all of your replies, and understands more than ever.

Love is a wonderful and needed thing...

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Mon Dec 19 2005 17:29:54 )
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Hugs back at ya!

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - Strangeshoeguy (Mon Dec 19 2005 17:43:24 )
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I just wanted to give another little cheer to everyone here.
I could say so much, but all that makes sense right now is how grateful I am for this film and these anonymous words. We are experiencing history.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - likeapoet (Mon Dec 19 2005 18:03:19 )
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amen allentownboy, a beautiful string of words

keep spreadin' the words folks
and share your stories

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - prettyeyes58 (Mon Dec 19 2005 19:02:00 )
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allentownboy: What a sweet, sad and beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it. 


Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - lou_vegas (Mon Dec 19 2005 19:03:20 )
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I wanted to FLY out of the theater.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - anml-lvr (Mon Dec 19 2005 19:07:22 )
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You are writing to people who don't know you but know your pain.
Thank you for sharing and for being brave enough to express your true self.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - drtear (Mon Dec 19 2005 19:10:27 )
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Odd that it isn't being shown in Alberta, that is where most of it was filmed.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - drtear (Mon Dec 19 2005 19:17:09 )
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You should read the original short story, it clears up a few things about the movie. As what happened to Jack, the latter you mentioned was what Ennis thought happened after talking to Jack's parents, not neccessarily what happened.
It wasn't Jack's shirt and jacket, it was Jack's shirt wrapped over Ennis's shirt. Remember when they left brokeback mountain after the fight the first year and Ennis said he couldn't believe he left his damn shirt up there?
That was the shirt, Jack had taken it to remember Ennis by and had it hung together with his shirt in his closet for 20 years.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Tue Dec 20 2005 07:12:49 )
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That is correct. I did mis-state the scene. When I wrote this, I was pretty emotional and wasn't accurate!

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - vanessa4 (Tue Dec 20 2005 07:52:33 )
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Allentownboy, thanks for such a heartfelt post. Like that couple that came up to you, I would like to put my arm around you too.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - pkdetroit (Tue Dec 20 2005 08:12:49 )
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Damn you Allentownboy! MY glasses are all steamed up, my nose is sore and running, I look a wreck, the dogs are trying to console me...what a way to start the day!

I had the same reaction twenty some years ago in a theater in NYC after seeing "Maurice", fortunately I was with friends (now long gone, sadly) who held me as I sobbed.
Brokeback had me teared up, weeping a little, completely different reaction to what I was hoping for, but I was with my partner of 15 years so it is not remarkable that I was not experiencing "loss". I think that if I had be alone in the theater I would have had a bigger reaction, would have been able to tap into those times in my life that I felt loneliness and regret. Maybe next time...
Thanks for sharing.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Tue Dec 20 2005 08:30:21 )
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I don't know what made me post this originally. I had second thoughts about it and almost removed it, but people seem to be understanding my need to bare my soul. The film had an incredible impact on me, and is still haunting me even now. I woke up and was thinking of it. I drove to work misty eyed over the Emmylou Harris song on the soundtrack playing in my car. I can't let it go, and the last film to do that to me was Schindler's List.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Wed Jan 18 2006 12:40:39 )
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I just wanted to say to everyone who posted such nice things to this, I am grateful and will always remember your kindness!



"We all come with baggage - it's how you unpack and put it away that says alot about who you are"

[Post deleted]    



 
This message has been deleted by an administrator

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - josh773 (Wed Jan 18 2006 13:24:58 )
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I left the theater numb, my stomach tight, not understanding why I did not want to be around anybody.

An hour later, I still don't remember saying anything to this point, the tears came, the first words out of my mouth were, "I've lost so much."

And so it began and it continues as I am re-introduced to myself. The wall that kept me from going insane because of the fear of being gay in a rural world and kept me safe in that world is the same wall that kept me from seeing the depths of beauty, and love and feeling connected to the world and other people. The same wall that kept me from seeing myself as strong.

This movie, culled to the surface the fear I had buried deeped inside of me, so deep that I had alomst forgotten, fear so profound that it is still working its way out of me, one month later. I marvel at the ability of the gay/lesbian child to survive. I marvel at the ability I had. I am excited that now it can be used for something else.

I hadn't cried for at least three (3) days, when I read your post. But, I just teared up again. This process, that this movie started in me, is a process that will continue until I find myself fully in the world and feeling it and not fearing it and not compromising myself to survive in it, anymore.

Welcome to the journey.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - starboardlight (Wed Jan 18 2006 13:43:10 )
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here it is a month later, your original post still makes me tear up. this pain is deeper than I imagined. I have some demons of my own to confront, and like you, this movie became the catalyst to break the surface. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm moved to know that we're not alone.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - luigival (Wed Jan 18 2006 13:55:40 )
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It's good to see we're so many feeling exactly the same after having seen BBM. Actually it didn't make me cry, but the story has settled so deep in my brain, I simply can't stop thinking about it, and mirror myself in the two characters, partly Jack, partly Ennis. I often come to this threads looking for relief, which I find in sharing emotions. And yes, BBM has made me understand that all the feelings and old passions I thought I had deeply buried, and hoped had definitely left my soul, are still there, burning like a wildfire under the ashes. They were just waiting to soar again, and BBM has made them resurface.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - Rontrigger (Wed Jan 18 2006 14:04:41 )
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Man, there is simply no justice in this world. If there were, we'd have a way of encrypting these threads that turn out to be special, to protect them from a "piece of crap" like the above post.

"You can't have Ennis without Jack."--Annie Proulx

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - allentownboy (Wed Jan 18 2006 15:24:57 )
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Josh,

Now after reading your post, it is my turn to tear up all over again.

Thanks for sharing.



"We all come with baggage - it's how you unpack and put it away that says alot about who you are"

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - jwells-7 (Wed Jan 18 2006 16:41:06 )
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 UPDATED Fri Jan 20 2006 09:23:14

 
What a powerful posting. I had not read this and stumbled upon it while looking through the posts concerning the movie, which I think gets better and better as you leave the theater, think about it the next day, and listen to the impact it made on others.

To me the movie does a wonderful job of portraying the theme of Annie Proux's short story. It doesn't move too far from it at all. But the movie's enduring effect will be the feelings and emotions that it brings to the surface for so many people. I sometimes feel that gay and lesbian people today are caught in a very trying time in the history of the world. In decades and centuries past, society did such a thorough job of convincing anyone who felt attracted to a member of his or her own gender that they had violated the laws of God, the universe, and the cosmos. They were made to feel that these were just perverted feelings of lust and should be ashamed of what was going on inside their mind. Today, there is more understanding, compassion, and concern for those who have been marginalized in the past. However, even though society is beginning to try to understand, many, especially those in very conservative circles, feel that they are threatened by this and feel that they must squash this compassion, concern and understanding. They feel that they are losing ground in the battle to control the thoughts and minds of society. So homosexuals still find themselves battling this. Although they find that there are more people willing to stand by them to fight this fight, they also find it very frustrating that those who wish to push them back into the closet, marginalize them, and dismiss them as freaks of nature exist in the same world as the open minded, compassionate, and kindhearted ones who stand by them through thick and thin. I am sure that it is very frustrating.

The most powerful scene in the movie to me is when Ennis realized by talking to Jack's parents that Jack had to move on. He found someone else even though he wanted to build a life with Ennis. Ennis realized that not only was the person he loved more than life itself gone, but that he had missed an opportunity to be with him and an opportunity to enjoy being with someone he loved so much who at the same time loved him. He missed that happiness, had to forsake it if you will, because society told him he had to. They told him he could not love who he wanted and that his choice to be with someone for whom he cared a great deal was wrong. That realization, etched even further in his mind by the appearance of the two shirts, made the movie reach out beyond the screen and pour itself into the lives of so many who watched it. The pain many feel is real and I am sure they hurt and die a little inside each day just like the original poster did and may still do. I have always thought that as any part of the human race suffers because it cannot enjoy the opportunity to be who it needs to be, who it is created to be, and who it wants to be, then we all suffer. We all die a little. A little part of us all, as creations of God, crumbles and falls to the ground. Where one groups suffers and is denied, humanity as a whole suffers and dies a little with it. Soon enough, we will find that the whole being has crumbled and lies at the base of what was once a great monument to the creator. We have to press forward.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - Rontrigger (Wed Jan 18 2006 17:08:29 )
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Oh...the nasty post I answered earlier has been deleted by an administrator!

Let me rephrase what I said--there is SOME justice in this world.

"You can't have Ennis without Jack."--Annie Proulx

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - retropian (Wed Jan 18 2006 22:25:03 )
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very very moving. giving it a bump.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - josh773 (Wed Jan 18 2006 22:44:53 )
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We are here, friend. We are all here. The disenfranchised. The one's who would watch the images on TV and think, "That's not what I am about!" We are all here. We have watched and continue to watch and will continue and will become stronger as we see ourselves as masculine and strong and worth more than what has been told to us we are worth. We will watch and continue to watch as we continue to grasp and understand that the others are human as well and deserve time to adjust to a very real but unacknowledged way of being that needs to be embraced by society.

But, we can never, never forget, nor decry, the one's we saw on TV, because they made this possible. The one's who pressed sexual identity to the edge for those of us, who, for what ever reason, could not do that also.

So, to the revolutionaries, to the activists that are still with us and those who have passed on, including Steven (forever you), thank you for making this possible. Thank you for paving the way for me to come out of the shadows . . . such a long, confusing journey, filled with such devastating loss that may be . . . may be . . . now coming to an end.

allentownboy -- I saw this film nine times within two weeks. I thought I was obsessed. I was concerned about that, but my psychologist friend, said after listening to me that it was more akin to a concentrated therapy. So go watch learn and remember. Draw strength as you grieve, then watch "Yes", and listen to the grandmother as she dies. Hers is the voice of those who came before that we should remember. Just grieve.



Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - gggim25 (Wed Jan 18 2006 23:13:09 )
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Grieve, yes...and learn, as well.

Life is short...make every moment count as if there is no tomorrow.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - iamlaron (Thu Jan 19 2006 00:19:42 )
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It sure seems like a LOT of people have been extremely moved by this film. I've seen it 3 times and cried like a baby after I got home each time. Just sobbing. I'm 36 as well and feel like so much of my own, deepest story-lines lie within the lining of this tale.

Oddly, the first time I cried mostly for myself but by the third time, I was crying for the real Ennis's and Jacks out there.. . It just crushes my soul when I consider how much suffering .. . if only. .

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - PeterDecker (Thu Jan 19 2006 01:27:44 )
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I'm 46 and I can relate to what Jack and Ennis lived through. I'm very much like Ennis, I did the whole heterosexual shebang and tried to be straight. My wife hated my "friend" -- with whom I'd been in love since we were 17. Man the homophobia and shame were bad in the 70s and 80s and we were such closet cases. The marriage collapsed, he passed away and I carried on. We never got to have a proper life. Now this movie dredges it all up again. How strange the world is.

What can I say? Annie Proulx must have realized that Ennis and Jack were representative of real people. There must be millions of us walking wounded out there. Thank God for these boards and all you lovely people because this movie has really done a number on many of us. I'm not knocking it by any stretch, I think it's a masterpiece. Despite the pain this story had to be told.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - xreesex (Thu Jan 19 2006 06:46:52 )
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i have nothing new to addto what everyone has already said, other than you made me cry, and i wish you nothing but luck in everything you do, your road to self discovery, and with christopher. also, if you're in allentown pa, hi! we're neighbors.

beautiful post. thank you so much for sharing it

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - kirkmusic (Thu Feb 9 2006 01:47:50 )
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I've seen the movie 5 times so far. I've read the Story to Screenplay book cover to cover. I'm on this message board at least once a day. I will probably continue to see it every couple of weeks until it's released on dvd. The reason I don't want to let go of this movie:

It inspires me to love.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - ducdebrabant (Thu Feb 9 2006 04:43:15 )
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That is so touching.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - David30Guy (Thu Feb 9 2006 04:49:01 )
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you guys are so.... ugh! this poster had already said in earlier posts that he'd seen the film already. you guys are so niave.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - josh773 (Mon Feb 27 2006 10:20:50 )
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bump

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - kula17 (Mon Feb 27 2006 12:11:39 )
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Thank you to the OP for sharing. Another moving post that makes frequenting the IMDb boards worthwile.

And thanks for bumping this, I almost missed out on another great thread.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - Asali (Mon Feb 27 2006 12:31:27 )
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*hugs* your story has just moved me so much more then Brokeback Mountain did. I think for that woman to put her arms around you the way she did must have been wonderful for you, that is something that I would have felt like doing but would have not had the courage to do to a complete stranger, it shows how much this movie must have touched her.

allentownboy I wish you all the happiness for now and in the future.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - jakelikethat (Mon Feb 27 2006 12:36:24 )
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allentownboy, your post is still reaching and touching people. bi female here from toronto canada - finally saw the movie wednesday, read the book thursday, have been immersed in it emotionally ever since and probably, forever. take what you need from it and know that we, the ones who "get it", will be forever changed. this is what the world needs. be happy, my friend. *hugs*

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - kthstewart (Mon Feb 27 2006 13:25:55 )
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I too have regrets but I wonder what more I and my friend could have done? Family and friends were not ready to accept things like this. It was a once in a lifetime shot and we didn't follow through. Brokeback Mountain made me wish I had done things differently. My friend didn't want to do anything to create waves either because we both wanted to have friends and family in our lives. Though we went our seperate ways my friend was my first real true love and that ended a long time ago. Still there is hope for the future whatever the future may bring. I am older now and I think I could handle things a little better if someone else should ever come into my life.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - lvwmprovost (Mon Feb 27 2006 13:28:49 )
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Now you're going to make me cry ...

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - jshane2002 (Tue Mar 14 2006 20:26:22 )
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bump

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - jshane2002 (Tue Mar 14 2006 20:28:21 )
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bump

Wow.    


 by - HotboyHector (Tue Mar 14 2006 20:32:38 )
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After that, 'wow' may seem lame but you made me cry.
Thank you for your honesty.

I can only say that the truth will set you free.
Don't wallow in regret.

Good luck, and thanks again.

§ I hold your hand, I say mon cher and we're in love.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - vince55 (Thu Mar 16 2006 22:39:57 )
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bump

Re: Wow.    


 by - Michael-194 (Thu Mar 16 2006 23:08:22 )
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I am amazed that I haven't read that beautiful post before now. I first saw BBM in NYC on Dec. 27, when I was visiting there. I saw it again when it opened down here in NC, during the middle of Jan., and twice since then. I have been on this board daily since then, and I have somehow missed that original post. I was really touched by it. Needless to say, the movie affected me very similarly.

Interestingly, when I saw it in NY, to a packed audience, the theater was quiet during the credits, nobody moving, much sobbing. It had the same effect on the audience in Charlotte, the first time I saw it down here. Of course, at that time, there wasn't all the hype and all the hate. I guess people didn't know quite what to expect. Later showings were not as reverential.
 
ENNIS:Hell, it's the most I spoke in a year.
 

[Post deleted]    



 
This message has been deleted by an administrator

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - hungry_hungryhippos (Fri Mar 17 2006 01:35:31 )
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Hey, just cause there happens to be a cold bucket of sh*t where YOUR heart is, doesn't mean our hearts aren't all pumping warm blood. Take our your bucket and put it in the microwave for 20 seconds. Lighten up! This dude wrote a very moving piece and I enjoyed reading it. I totally related to the feelings he wrote about. There have been many posts I've read on this board that i DIDN'T enjoy but I didn't feel the need to reply to it and tell the guy to nick off.

But for YOU I'm making an exception.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - kthstewart (Fri Mar 17 2006 02:53:34 )
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Most of us have "screwed up" at one time or other in our lives whether we are straight or gay. I can't see any need to get angry about a post. For most of us we couldn't change things even if we could go back in time and really try to change a few things. I think we are all doomed to live life in the present and if something comes around that may want us to enter in the romance world I don't know. I have had one gay relationship during my college years and several straight relationships during my career as a whole and none of them worked out for me. So maybe it is me who is messing up--imagine that.lol

Someone said(maybe Letterman) that George Clooney always kisses his dates good night with a "goodnight and good luck." Well Clooney is the not only one I tend to be that way as well. I don't know why I don't want to get involved again but I think it is to protect my inner self from being hurt like I was in college when I was in a no win situation. Some of us are just the "Ennis types" and it can't be helped.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - a_r2006 (Fri Mar 17 2006 03:57:05 )
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what a beautiful post

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - kaijuman (Fri Mar 17 2006 04:38:58 )
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I'm glad you shared that. It's nice to know that the message that this film is trying to send is reaching SOME people. Smiley

I tell people that I NEVER cry at movies. The last, and only movie that made me well up was Charolettes Web when I was 7 years old. LOL
Since then, I just simply don't react to movies like that. I'm kind of a sci-fi / fantasy geek, and I'm a bit of a [email protected]

But when the ending to this film came, it was all I could to hold down a serious lump in my throat. And for me, that's saying a LOT.
But.... I think it affected me this way for slightly different reasons.

See, I'm nearing the age these characters are at the END of the film.
And I thought to myself.... despite that it ended tragically, they had at least found a special, unique love. They had thier 'Brokeback Mountain' -if nothing else.
It bothered me, because I still wait for my Brokeback Mountain. And may never find it.
The film can cause some to think, and bring up many questions.
Now, 3 months later, (and 2 more viewings later) it's still tough to think about.
I'm glad I saw it though. I'm glad it forced me to think on it a little, and I'm sure it will always come back to haunt me to some degree.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - booboocub77 (Fri Mar 17 2006 14:27:33 )
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Really a cold bucket of SH*T ,well that's OK that's your opinion just like I had mine.Look I didn't say I didn't like what the man wrote its just I feel it would be more appropriate posted somewhere else,not on a movie forum board.Who cares about a couple of paragraphs consisting of "I regret this and I regret that". However I'm surprised others hasn't commented on this about how corny it was, so you nick off.





Are you such a f#cking loser you don't know when you've won?- Harvey Keitel

[Post deleted]    



 
This message has been deleted by an administrator

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - hungry_hungryhippos (Fri Mar 17 2006 14:30:28 )
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If you're surprised that you haven't seen more comments like yours, you shouldn't be. Sounds like YOU'RE on the wrong board, mate.

Welcome to my ignore list.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - lhaynes-5 (Fri Mar 17 2006 15:28:02 )
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booboocub77

You are a sick sick person who needs help! Get it FAST!!!!!

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - booboocub77 (Fri Mar 17 2006 16:09:26 )
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OMG NO, NO, NOT The IGNORE LIST!I DONT CARE! You know you just want to be confrontational and that's your promblem.Its quite obvious you really haven't read anything Ive posted because all I did is disagree with his approach and some other things.THIS IS A DISCUSSION BOARD AND IT IS OK TO DISAGREE SO GET OVER IT!

Are you such a f#cking loser you don't know when you've won?- Harvey Keitel

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - booboocub77 (Fri Mar 17 2006 16:12:57 )
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Why? You must enlighten me as to why disagreeing with someone makes me "sick sick".

Are you such a f#cking loser you don't know when you've won?- Harvey Keitel

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - jshane2002 (Thu Mar 23 2006 11:35:00 )
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bump

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - jwells-7 (Sun Mar 26 2006 09:46:59 )
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I think the posting was totally appropriate for a board like this. Obviously this person's reaction, as so vividly discussed in his post, stemmed from seeing the movie. So that is something totally appropriate to discuss in a movie forum board like this. I am not sure why he would be asked to stop or refrain from making posts like this by anyone. Strange.

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - altair78 (Sun Mar 26 2006 10:39:58 )
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 UPDATED Sun Mar 26 2006 16:39:07

 
What a beautiful message you have left, I actually had tears welling in my eyes when I read it because I know exactly how you felt. (Who would have thought IMDB could have such powers as well?-) It is indeed odd, I saw it the first time and was relatively ok, my friend (girl) who I came with was completely inconsolable. I went for a second time, and there it really depressed me already. But the movie really really hit and sunk into me when I was back from the movies and sat at home, and I bought the soundtrack and listened to it. I don't know what happened, but I would just cry for hours, the movie had such a powerful impact on me I couldn't believe it myself, I was surprised at my own reaction. At some point I was such a nervous wreck I thought I had to go see a shrink.
I think anyone who has ever felt that love, their own private Brokeback Mountain will be touched by this movie and your comments. Or even if they haven't had that love, the understand the longing for it. This movie to me is not just about "gay" love, it's just love in general, love knows no boundaries.

The part of the lady who came to sit with you really touched. It's ok to cry, I had to do it because I needed to get it out of my system, to just let go of any self-control. Don't regret that you saw the movie, see it as an uplifting experience and that you are still able to actually really feel love. But I know exactly how you felt, and I think many do too. I wish you all the best.

ps: check out this link if you want,

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LNiGNwFipLQ&search=brokeback%20westlife

it's really nice....

for those who are sad    


 by - altair78 (Sun Mar 26 2006 16:52:24 )
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for anyone who is feeling blue, take a look here

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LNiGNwFipLQ&search=brokeback%20westlife

Re: for those who are sad    


 by - terryhall2 (Sun Mar 26 2006 19:35:49 )
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This film wracks the stomach because you can really feel the longing the guys have for each other and a myriad of other feelings. I read recently of an Australian mum who was very homophobic finding out her son was gay. She later said of those gay people she has met: "they are enormously loving and forgiving, because of the necessity of having to do so in a hateful society, just for being who they are." Maybe now that is all changing.

Re: for those who are sad    


 by - altair78 (Thu Mar 30 2006 13:11:15 )
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I got my mom to watch it. She said it was ok, it didn't make her cry (unfortunately), but hey it's a start I guess...

Re: Thank you for sharing your experience.    


 by - melinka-1 (Thu Mar 30 2006 13:29:43 )
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It haunts you.

True...so beautiful and true


And it taps into aspects of the souls of gay people in mysterious ways.

I'm not gay but this movie just get so deep inside of me...i just can't get it off my mind...



Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - joyce023 1 day ago (Sat Apr 8 2006 13:29:12 )
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bump

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - BannerHill 1 day ago (Sat Apr 8 2006 13:32:51 )
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Change, schmange. Nothing changes. Things are pretty much the same now as they were twenty years ago, and I assume they were the same twenty years before THAT.



"Hey Ennis, do you know someone named 'Jack'?"

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - tessie_bear7 13 hours ago (Sun Apr 9 2006 00:32:12 )
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"I saw Brokeback Mountain yesterday evening and I am full of regrets…

My eyes are red and swollen this morning, and still I cannot stop these feelings from overwhelming me due to the emotional gut punch I received after having given over 2 hours of my life to an experience that had very deep personal ramifications.

I regret I wasn’t more prepared.

I regret I allowed reviews and opinions shape my suppositions about the movie.

I regret my initial fear of seeing this alone because I subconsciously tapped into my own self-loathing about my own being.

And I regret the time I have lost to not understanding or truly accepting…me.

I cannot and will not spoil the film with any detailed accounts, other than to say that three scenes laid me to waste, and I couldn’t stop the tears. When Ennis holds and smells Jack’s shirt and jacket, the coldness displayed by Jack’s wife who knew the real reason for his death and how it occurred, and the final scene when a lifetime of regrets, sadness and longing play across Ennis’ face in a shot that couldn’t have lasted more than 15-20 seconds.

I couldn’t stop crying, along with many in the theatre who stayed after the final credits began to roll.

My head in my hands, sobbing silently for all own personal regrets and lost opportunities led to something deeply moving and beautiful that will stay with me a long time. An older married couple in the row in front of me got up to leave after they themselves took some time to recover from the impact of the film. They must have seen me sitting alone and crying, because they came around to sit next to me. The woman put her arm around me, which startled me as I was lost in my own moment, and simply said through her own tears, “I understand” then both got up to leave out of the side entrance of the theatre. I don’t know that I understood at the time just what she meant, but I think I am beginning to. Whomever you both were, I am grateful to you.

Christopher, it has been ten years together. There have been ups and downs as I have wrestled with personal demons I never understood or believed I had. I always told you I never went through a “coming out period”, that I had always been comfortable in my own skin, but I lied to myself and to you. I am sorry for any pain I have caused you, and myself, for it was so unnecessary in retrospect.

I am grateful that I saw this by myself. I needed to have this cathartic experience, intensely and surprisingly personal as it was, alone. I needed to remember the fear and shame, the aching loneliness, the raw overpowering need for a connection I couldn’t put a name to, and the journey to self-awareness that I find I am still on, even at 36. You have always understood. I don’t want to live my life afraid of being happy. I know that now.

And I will never forget. "




I TRULY LOVE YOU!
IF ONLY WE WERE ALL LIKE THIS... Smiley

Peace to all, and all for peace! Smiley

Re: Thank you for sharing your experience.    


 by - tessie_bear7 12 hours ago (Sun Apr 9 2006 00:36:19 )
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"It is indeed a powerful movie. I did not cry in the theater when I first saw it but I have been crying here and there since then. It haunts you. And it taps into aspects of the souls of gay people in mysterious ways.

We've all felt love. We've all felt alone. We've all been afraid. And we've all been ashamed. No matter which of these we have let rule our life, this movie speaks to us."


I think that it taps into EVERYONE'S souls. I want to go and give Ang Lee a big fat hug and say thankyou for making our world just a teensy bit better.
And I think it not only speaks TO us, it speaks FOR us-it says everything that we all think, but we never say.



Peace to all, and all for peace! Smiley

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...    


 by - tessie_bear7 12 hours ago (Sun Apr 9 2006 00:41:58 )
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"Dude...the way I see it your heart has come full circle-meaning that you have gotten back what was once innocent and boyish.....what it is like to 'feel' the world again and the others around you. So in many senses and on many levels, consider the movie a triumph of heart in a very personal odyssey.... "

may i say we should have you writing our horoscopes?

Peace to all, and all for peace! Smiley

Re: Saw it yesterday and have many regrets...   


 by - tessie_bear7 12 hours ago (Sun Apr 9 2006 00:50:22 )
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"I would like to hope this is Ang Lee's "I Have A Dream" speech - something everyone will look back on many years from now when everything is better for people like you and think, He was right. "'

No, I had a better "I have a dream" speech by him....just a sec i'll find it Tongue

"I'm not going to wait for the world to be perfect to make movies." -- Ang Lee
okay that wasn't it but it's good!

oh it was jake gyllenhaal(i think)-something like:
INTERVIEWER: "so what was it like kissing someone of the same sex?"
WHOEVER IT WAS: "when will there come a time when that question is as stupid as asking what it's liek to kiss someone of a different race?"



Peace to all, and all for peace! Smiley
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« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2007, 02:25:25 pm »

Wow, I remember this thread, but the memory was vague after all this time.

What a keeper.  Thanks Eric!!     Kiss
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« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2007, 03:22:55 pm »

 




        Not being from IMDB I had never seen this.  Thank you so much for bringing this in Eric.  It think the most amazing thing of all:  the ability the movie has to bring those feelings back, so vividly after over a year and a half.
It is truly an amazing piece of work.



 
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« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2007, 12:37:14 am »

Aww I remember this thread. Thank you for posting it on here. =]
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xoxo

~Kristin~

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« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2018, 05:40:54 pm »

I never did look on IMdB for BBM, thank you, Eric, for posting this.
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« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2018, 06:31:37 pm »

I never went to the BBM IMdB thread.    What a powerful post.

So glad it was shared.
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Tell him when l come up to him and ask to play the record, l'm gonna say: ''Voulez-vous jouer ce disque?''
'Voulez-vous, will you kiss my dick?'
Will you play my record? One-track mind!
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No more beans.  I'm sick of beans.

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