Crayons, thank you for the thread. I am going to let my heart speak without re-reading this post.
I came downstairs from my shower at 7 a.m. and was having tea. My husband was watching a music channel and I said to him, “put it onto GMTV (which we always watch) and I can see the news. Something will have happened and we’ll have missed it”. I was actually thinking about the twin towers! As soon as it turned over and I heard the words, my hand slapped over my mouth. I was in shock for about 45 minutes and then left to go to work. I was on the bus and it started to sink in.
By the time I got to work, I felt as if I had been punched. My chest was tight and restricted and my tummy hurt. My head was pounding. I came in and told all of my colleagues about it, except for one who didn’t start until later. He texted me, “Heath Ledger has died. If you didn’t know, phone me, if you did, are you OK?”. I couldn’t call him, I couldn’t function, I put my phone straight to voicemail and went online to see what every news channel had said.
Later on that day, one of my colleagues said she had seen it on the previous evening’s Ten O’Clock news. Well, I immediately cried (for the first time). I felt as if I had abandoned him, that he had died and was in the process of moving on whilst I was safely tucked up in bed.
I got that into perspective a little, and went home and phoned everyone I knew. No-one understood how I could grieve so for an actor. I cried and cried all night, and tried to talk through each possibility of why he died with my husband. He helped me, and I ended that evening knowing that a lost life is a lost life, and it doesn’t matter how or where. What matters are the lessons we can learn, so the loss of precious life is not in vain.
The next couple of days passed in a haze of crying and adrenaline. I spoke about it non stop and then would go into myself.
Until late Friday, after a bottle of wine, I felt as if I had lost my faith to the extent of where the soul goes upon death. I felt as if my whole belief system had gone. How can a young man with so much potential and so many positive thoughts from this community and others end up passing on?
And then I got angry. Angry at the paps, angry at those vultures who take delight in showing us pictures and videos of Heath being taken away from his flat. I felt as if he had lost his dignity and, again, it was my husband who said that Heath was not there anymore, he was in Heaven (of which I had regained my faith) and his body was the carrier of his spirit.
Now this made sense. Although he was amazingly handsome, it was his life that was amazing. His personality and ethos. His bravery in playing Ennis (when he knew what some imbeciles reactions would be), giving it his all, becoming Ennis is what he gave the world. He offered support to the gay community, showed the world the meaning of love.
He showed everyone how a life half lived is not really a life. Although he only lived a small part of his life, what he contributed to the world was a lifetime’s work.
So, I guess what I am trying to say that I am devastated, grieving and the sadness I feel at sometimes is almost unbearable.
But I feel hope in the lessons he taught me. I will try and live everyday as if it were my last. I will love with my heart, not my mind.
I have more to say but can't articulate it just now, so I may be back.
