Author Topic: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain  (Read 33091 times)

Offline Phillip Dampier

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Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« on: February 10, 2006, 03:55:20 am »
Here's your chance to put down your thoughts and feelings about Brokeback Mountain.  Start a new topic with your own story.

I personally saw the film about two weeks ago, having gone into the theater totally unprepared for what would happen to me on the way out.  The emotional reaction many around me seemed to have was based on what was happening right up on screen.  Tissues were passed, people seemed reluctant to instantly dash out of the theater, as if time was needed to compose oneself, and I didn't notice much conversation, as if people were numbed.

Usually I have a reasonable handle on my feelings and am in touch with them, but this movie did a number of me overnight.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was coming down with a bad case of Brokeback Mountain Flu.  The symptoms: Red and tearing eyes, depression, somnolence, inability to concentrate, sleeplesness, diminished social skills, distraction, and a yearning to research the film and find other sufferers.

The morning after while taking a shower, I just fell apart.  Sure I felt for the characters in the movie and their story, but what had me going was the realization that various scenes of that movie had been playing in my own life.  We often compartmentalize the negative things in our life, saying we'll deal with it later or perhaps come to realize there is nothing we can do about it so it's not worth worrying about.  Time can heal all wounds, but a movie like this can tear all of those wounds open again in an instant.

By the following day, I was up at 5:00am, unable to sleep, and had to get out of bed just to find something to distract myself.  The gnawing feelings this movie was generating within me were not to be ignored.  It actually became quite frightening to me to be so out of control and not sure what was going to come next!

By the end of the week, a trip to the countryside and wide open country spaces were, of course, just reminding me even more of the film.  It's almost as if you could bump into any of these characters at the rural market or country store, or watch them pass by in their beat up trucks as they live their daily lives.

Yeah, Brokeback Mountain got me good and I can't quit it either.

There's some Jack and Ennis inside of me, and having it all up on the big screen, so big you can't look away, with nothing to distract you in a darkened theater, you're forced to watch.

Jack's ability to fight convention and demand that the emotional connection between them be allowed to grow and thrive and his extreme frustration with the ever-enigmatic Ennis reminded me of my own annoyance with friends who can't understand my Oprah-like emotional epiphanies and are even less in touch with their own feelings and emotions.  Ennis' fears about committing to Jack and taking concrete action to actually move in with him and commit to the relationship are reminders of my own relationship, complete with excuses given to mask fears of change and the unknown.  And ultimately, the realization 20-years too late of what could have been but never was brought it all home to me.  Wasting time drudging about doing things that don't fulfill your dreams, compromising your own happiness and fulfillment by living a lie, and losing the things that mean the most affects a lot of us.  Some might call it the "mid-life crisis," but it can hit at anytime.

It suddenly dawned on me that all of this emotional energy I was feeling could be channeled to more productive use.  Why not actually insist on making some changes that put me closer to fulfilling my goals and completing the things that would make my life better.  So here I am, trying to seek out others who are on the same path (or would like to be), so that we can share our ideas, support each other, and also have some tools available to us to track our progress.  More on that in the next forum down.

Brokeback Mountain may be the movie that changes my life.  I am so thankful I am realizing that I am not alone.  After we are done pouring our hearts out, maybe we all need to resolve to make this more than just a great movie - it deserves to be a spark that sets off the changes we have dreamt about making but never have.  We owe it to Jack and Ennis.
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Offline wayne1932

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2006, 12:12:07 pm »
Phillip,

You have just about said everything that can be said.   

We all have a little of Ennis or Jack in us.

Moving on should be the story here, after the tears.
If it aint broke DON"T fix it.   If ya can't fix it, ya gotta stand it. If ya can't stand it...........

Offline Fla_Tim

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2006, 08:00:32 pm »
Phillip,

Like you I held out seeing Brokeback Mountain until late. I'd been on an emotional roller coaster for a couple of months with lots of stress from work, home, and life in general, but every time my partner wanted to see it I put him off.

After probably the most emotional day in the last year, yesterday, out of the blue I suggested we see it last night. I'm glad and sad after a day's reflection. There were probably 20 or so people in the theater last night and not one person got up at the end. It seemed that here too people needed time to compose themselves before leaving. The ending was "shock and awe" for both of us. My partner was as stunned as I was, we knew it had a sad ending but weren't prepared for what we had to take in.

Today it stirred up a lot of emotions in me, before meeting my partner 13 years ago I'd dated a city version of Ennis in grad school. As close as we were, he was afraid of any commitment, and despite that this was the late 1980's the worst thing to me was that he wouldn't acknowledge even to himself or to me that he was gay.

I thought of that relationship in relation to Jack and Ennis's, when we were together it was so intense, but he kept that part of his life so compartmentalized from the rest looking back there was no way it could have worked. After he finished grad school I broke it off, and though he was hurt and only moved 3 hours away I never saw him again. For my own sanity I vowed at the very least to never date anyone with more hangups than I had about being gay. It took a few years for the pain to heal, but I grew from that experience and met the wonderful amazing person I am with today.

Ironically I'd done a lot of reflecting on my own life over the weekend before seeing Brokeback Montain, thinking about the parts of my life that aren't working like they should. I'd decided to stop living a lie about the aspects of my life that aren't what I'd pretended they are.

It seems I'd already started down some unknown path before I saw the film last night, but like you I was struck afterwards with what to do with the emotional energy dredged up by Brokeback Mountain. Channeling it into growth and change as you suggested is an epiphany, almost as if Brokeback Mountain was made specifically to catalyze some growth and change within us.

Thank you for creating this space where we can connect, reflect, and move on down our own trails of personal growth.


Offline BBMGrandma

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2006, 05:36:43 am »
. Channeling it into growth and change as you suggested is an epiphany, almost as if Brokeback Mountain was made specifically to catalyze some growth and change within us.



I TRULY believe too....as you do Flatim....that this growth and this change is helping us ALL to blossom.  Thank you for sharing this wonderful reflection with us.  I smiled as I read it!! 

Much Love....Nancy
"If we never dream....we'll never have a dream come true"   (me...myself...and I)

Offline Br. Patrick

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2006, 05:51:40 am »
It seems that I heard about a "gay cowboy movie" somewhere on the Internet probably during the last week of December 2005.  Since the subject seemed intriguing, I started researching on the Internet.  A great hobby and a great distraction from the Chronic Major Depression that I am on Social Security Disability for.  I ordered the book, "Brokeback Mountain  -  Story to Screenplay" (which contains the short story, the script of the movie AND 3 essays by Annie Proulx, Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana) [HIGHEST RECOMENDATIONS!] and the Original Soundtrack from amazon.com.  But I couldn't wait and I found the short story on the Internet in a RTF (Rich Text Format) file.  I had to use a dictionary to get through it but it just totally wiped me out.  I cried and cried for days.  This tragic story just ripped out my guts - a foot at a time.  I read the story on January 7, 2006 and immediately started journaling about it to try and find WHY this story has hit me so hard.  I have been in Psychotherapy since 1989 and I haven't cried this much since my mom died right in front of me in 1988.  My illness restricts my ability to travel so I had to wait until January 23, 2006 to see the film for the first time in a theater that was close enough for me to travel to.  I was glad that the theater was filled with just a few people, women mostly.  I probably missed half of the visuals because I couldn't see the screen through my tears.  Ultimately, I have seen the film 5 times.  I can't go anymore because my attempts to stifle my crying have become audible enough to irritate anyone around me.   I can't wait for the DVD to come out.  I pre-ordered it as soon as I read Annie's story.

The only film that I have seen more is "The Wizard of Oz" which I fell in love with when I was a small child.   I have a fondness for classic movies so I have seen Casablanca and the ilk many times - but NOTHING IN THE WORLD has affected me so much since my mom died.  I rarely go to modern movies. I don't like all of the cursing.  And most modern movies don't have plots like the classic movies did.

Brokeback certainly has the most poignant plot that I have ever experienced.   I guess you would call me absolutely obsessed with this film and the story.   They need each other to REALLY get the most out of it.  I started ravishly collecting photo's and video's and Mp3 files.  My favorite two pictures are the ones of Jack being held by Ennis on Brokeback Mountain.   I have printed them and a few other favorites.  I have NEVER been affected like this before.  (I also really don't want it to end.)

The only sad thing is that I have lost my best friend of the last 9 years, Polly, who read the story twice and loved it and she drove us to my second viewing on January 26.  I had to sit a couple of seats away from her so my crying wouldn't disturb her too much.  I learned the words to "The Maker Makes" and since it is in my key, I pulled myself together enough to sing it to her during the closing credits.  I am an amateur musician and just LOVE the movie's score.  I thought Polly would love the film as much as I do because we are so much alike.

WOW was I wrong.  The film hit her own psychogical issues with her late mother and her husband.  On the way back home she "critiqued" it in a way that just crushed me.   I told her to stop but she couldn't or wouldn't.   I finally told her to stop the car and let me walk back to my apartment (a few blocks).  I have had no contact with her since then.  She called 3 times and emailed me but I just ignored it.  I guess I in a state of emotional high maintenance that only my psychotherapist can help me get through.

As I have said in other forums, I am Ennis and so was my dad.
Lean on me, let our hearts beat in time,
Feel strength from the hands that have held you so long.
Who cares where we go on this rugged old road
In a world that may say that we're wrong.

...Cause I know - A love that will never grow old.

Gustavo Santaolalla & Bernie Taupin

Offline Fla_Tim

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2006, 11:02:57 am »
Nancy,

Thank you for your note. Luckily I grew up in a place and time that allowed me to be the person I am, though not without some struggle.

I was talking with a friend who was 13 in 1963 and grew up in rural Indiana. The thing that he identified most with the characters in the movie was the oppression he felt growing up in the country in the 1960s.

We need to remind ourselves how fortunate many of us have it today.

Warm regards.

Tim

Offline strazeme

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2006, 03:50:27 pm »
I'm hurting so bad I can hardly stand it, almost makes me wish I'd never opened to door to BBM.  This film made me aware of a profound emptiness in my life .. I'm so lost and alone ... and I don't even have shirts.  I've cried so much, literally, more than in my entire life.  Everything has been so bottled up inside, I've lost touch with myself.  So now, when I try to remember if I ever had a dream of a bluebird-whisky spring, I have no idea where to go with my new awareness.  My life is just on auto-pilot, going through the paces, but now I have to deal with it ... and I feel deeply wounded.  Looking for clue, I've tried to replay all my past, asking whether there was ever a time I was really happy, really felt love, and I've decided I'm far worse off than ever.  Because now I know it, and it won't go away.  Thanks for listening, just writing it out seemed helful.

Offline BBMGrandma

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2006, 06:40:54 pm »
Dear Straz....

So very glad you've joined us here.  This is TRULY the place to share that sadness...it's a safe haven for ALL of us!!  We've all cried, and are STILL crying as we share this emotional upheaval with one another here.  You're NOT alone with those feelings...trust me.  I'm a straight little old grandma...and my life has been impacted FOREVER by this story.  Don't be afraid to open that door....you are safe here with us. 

Just a little aside....I thought I was done with all the sobbing and the feeling of such great sadness.  I am...in a way....because NOW when I cry it's with a feeling of JOY and happiness that this story has opened up for me and others here on our forum. 

Hang in here with us...:::taking your hand::: You're safe here!!     

and WELCOME to our 'haven' 

Nancy

p.s.  Philip....can you direct STRAZ to your "5 stages" plz?  I don't yet know how to post from another forum to THIS one!! 
 
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Offline Lynne

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2006, 12:34:30 am »
Strazeme,
I want to echo BBMGrandma and also extend my own welcome to you.  You are not alone.  We all seem to be at some point in those '5 Stages of Grief' that Phillip posted.  And remember that they are not necessarily sequential or linear.  I saw the movie again tonight and each viewing I feel some different area has been opened and exposed to pain while some other part may feel more healing love.  Let's work through these feelings together.
Lynne
« Last Edit: March 10, 2006, 03:44:13 pm by Lynne »
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Offline Fla_Tim

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #9 on: March 10, 2006, 12:11:49 pm »
Strazeme,

Know that you are not alone, welcome. Like you I've been carrying a lot of feelings bottled up inside me that were unleashed this week after the Oscars and finally seeing the film on Tuesday (it is still playing here so I AM going back to see it again before it leaves). 

The crashing feelings I've had this week were the painful reminder to me that I do have the capacity to feel and that  I need to feel things much more than I have been. The emotional dust bunnys we sweep under the bed only get bigger if we ignore them. It is a lesson I've had to re-learn every so often throughout my life.

The thing that has sustained me this week is knowing that when I've been in this place before, as painful as it has been, I've moved past it and grown as a person. It is hard to deal with pain, but it made me reexamine my life and make the changes to have the things I truly wanted.

If only Ennis had been able to do so.




Offline BBMGrandma

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #10 on: March 10, 2006, 04:56:42 pm »

 The emotional dust bunnys we sweep under the bed only get bigger if we ignore them. It is a lesson I've had to re-learn every so often throughout my life.


If only Ennis had been able to do so.





WOW Tim....very well PUT!!  I had SUCH a pile of those 'bunnies' swept under my bed....for EONS!!  Through the emotional 'shake-up' that I experienced through 'our movie' I've made some unbelievable 'clean-ups' that were hidden SOOO far under that bed.  Thanks to THIS forum.....and the most wonderful caring people I've met here

Stay here with us....Straz...my bet is that you'll find your 'dust bunny sweeper' right here...in our safe place. 

Much love....Nancy  . 
"If we never dream....we'll never have a dream come true"   (me...myself...and I)

Offline BBMGrandma

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #11 on: March 10, 2006, 07:16:13 pm »
I read this post today on the IMDB forum...and just HAD to drag it over here.....it's sooo beautifully poignant...that I feel it deserves a read....on OUR FORUM. 

Posted by: pierre at March 5, 2006 11:42 PM

I had a vision march 5th,
I swear I saw jack and Ennis turn down their heads when " crash" was read and relegated back to the solitary confinement of the Mountains. i swear i saw Ennis lead as jack followed in disbelief. I swear i saw the fight of their last meeting resurrected, and the brief glimpses of the beauty they shared, albeit cut short by what surrounds them. i swear i saw that they held onto each other harder then ever before, harder then any prior fight. They knew all they have is each other. the world is not for them. They are sun and moon forever united. So full of hope that they could be with one another in the light, only to find out the tire iron still exists just in the body of a ignorant group and shape of a white envelope.

i swear i saw ennis and jack, slowly gather their belongings. Fold up the tent. put away the joyous harmonica for the last time. Climb on their horses and ride out of the auditorium. riding past the howling coyotes and learned snakes. Where they'll go? they don't know. But they know they are not welcome here and our boys are too good to stay any place they are not wanted.
I swear i saw them ride into me. they ride into my heart. make a camp. build a cabin. run a cattle operation. In my heart i will protect them from the world. I will protect them from what they don't understand. Ennis will hold jack and jack will hold ennis in my offer of peace and a home in my soul. I will let them love as they wish and only i can dream. Forever a part of me.
Jack and Ennis... I swear ..."


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Offline Lynne

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #12 on: March 11, 2006, 01:16:52 am »
Our friend Pierre gets it...that is so moving...he needs to get a personal invite to join us, I think.
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Offline Aussie Chris

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #13 on: March 11, 2006, 10:39:15 am »
I read this post today on the IMDB forum...and just HAD to drag it over here.....it's sooo beautifully poignant...that I feel it deserves a read....on OUR FORUM. 
...

You know I've been thinking this exact same thing all week, that Jack & Ennis live with us now.

But Pierre's given the sentiment a poetic zing, and we know he is kindred.

Once again I shed tears of joy that we have BBM, and Jack & Ennis.

Thanks Nancy.
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Offline strazeme

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #14 on: March 11, 2006, 02:38:54 pm »
Our friend Pierre gets it...that is so moving...he needs to get a personal invite to join us, I think.

Left a message for Pierre ... he's been invited on over.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2006, 09:48:46 pm by Phillip »

Offline BBMGrandma

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2006, 12:45:16 am »
Our friend Pierre gets it...that is so moving...he needs to get a personal invite to join us, I think.
Left a message for Pierre ... he's been invited on over.


HOORAY for you Lynne!!  ^5 girl!!  I hope he joins us here!!
« Last Edit: March 12, 2006, 09:49:45 pm by Phillip »
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Offline Phillip Dampier

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2006, 09:10:04 pm »
But I couldn't wait and I found the short story on the Internet in a RTF (Rich Text Format) file.

One of my favorite lines from a movie comes from Meryl Streep in Postcards from the Edge:

"Instant gratification takes too long!"

I read the short story online too, only after I saw the movie.  I didn't really connect to the background noise about the movie until after I saw it.  I knew I wanted to see it, but was spending January trying to angle a good time to catch the new Harry Potter movie, a series I am quite fond of.  Besides, I don't go into "I must know everything about this movie" until after I see it.  If I had seen the forum activity before I saw the movie, I would have thought people were going Star Trek-nutty analyzing every frame of film.

Quote
I read the story on January 7, 2006 and immediately started journaling about it to try and find WHY this story has hit me so hard.  I have been in Psychotherapy since 1989 and I haven't cried this much since my mom died right in front of me in 1988.  My illness restricts my ability to travel so I had to wait until January 23, 2006 to see the film for the first time in a theater that was close enough for me to travel to.  I was glad that the theater was filled with just a few people, women mostly.  I probably missed half of the visuals because I couldn't see the screen through my tears.  Ultimately, I have seen the film 5 times.  I can't go anymore because my attempts to stifle my crying have become audible enough to irritate anyone around me.   I can't wait for the DVD to come out.  I pre-ordered it as soon as I read Annie's story.

First, I cannot imagine what kind of challenges you have had to endure over these past years, and I send you as much strength as I can, and it's for folks like you that this place was created for.  You are not alone.  I want this to be a place you can count on coming to to share your feelings and finding a caring audience to do our best to help you through them.

Second, I think reactions like you have shared (in common with lots of people) just underlines and confirms my premise that it's not the film alone that is provoking this kind of response - it's the film's amazing efficiency at dragging all of the baggage we've stored away inside ourselves right to the surface and then just lays it bare.  All that hard work trying to ignore the bad stuff in our lives, convincing ourselves we can deal with it later, is literally left exposed and we are all shocked by it.  Many of us don't know why so we keep going back again and again looking for nuances, reasons, answers... ANYTHING to help us cope.

But as I've said many times here, the answers to a lot of this aren't on the screen, they're inside us.  So now we have to identify them, prioritize them, and learn to first cope and then manage and resolve them, if we can.  With me personally, once I realized this, and began to take charge, my emotional state improved a great deal.  Now it's not Jack or Ennis who are so important to me -- it's all of you guys here.  You are all very real people, and each of your movies are still in progress and there's plenty of time to write the endings each of us wants to write.

Quote
The only film that I have seen more is "The Wizard of Oz" which I fell in love with when I was a small child.   I have a fondness for classic movies so I have seen Casablanca and the ilk many times - but NOTHING IN THE WORLD has affected me so much since my mom died.  I rarely go to modern movies. I don't like all of the cursing.  And most modern movies don't have plots like the classic movies did.

I have a fondness for classic films myself - lots of mysteries, film noir, and even comedies from a more innocent era.  I am probably one of the youngest fans out there for Angela Lansbury and never missed a Murder, She Wrote episode.  Woman faces the death of her husband, becomes a writer, and writes a whole new chapter for her life.  I think part of the appeal for me is her character's independence and success.  A lot of current movies are just rehashes of the same old tired formulas and, especially lately, have been just awful, relying more on special effects than on plot.

As for violence, try to sit through Sin City sometime.  That movie makes Scarface look like The Sound of Music.  I have no idea how they'll ever be able to adapt that for television.  We have a lot of graphic novels/comics coming to life as movies these days, but none of them impact on me emotionally at all, except maybe when they try to push the envelope a little further with graphic violence. 

Quote
WOW was I wrong.  The film hit her own psychogical issues with her late mother and her husband.  On the way back home she "critiqued" it in a way that just crushed me.   I told her to stop but she couldn't or wouldn't.   I finally told her to stop the car and let me walk back to my apartment (a few blocks).  I have had no contact with her since then.  She called 3 times and emailed me but I just ignored it.  I guess I in a state of emotional high maintenance that only my psychotherapist can help me get through.

Each of us is bound to have a different emotional reaction to this movie.  Some of us are going to cry a lot and feel utterly exposed by the film, in a state of fragility where even the most inane comment can be like a dagger to our feelings.  Others react to emotional pain by lashing out angrily, attacking the film as a defense mechanism in a desperate effort to bottle those exposed feelings back up.  I can imagine if a significant other pushed one's buttons so many times that you just couldn't take it anymore, one could just smack the other person down.  Hell, we saw Jack do exactly that to Ennis on their last meeting when Ennis just lost it and reacted initially by trying to hit Jack before he collapsed in tears on the ground.

We have to respect the individual responses each of us has to the film.  We have to avoid perceiving slights as some attack on our own feelings about the movie.  I had that reaction myself when a friend of mine trashed the movie.  I took it personally.  But then I realized I was better than that person anyway.   ;D  Seriously, I just got over it and decided that it wasn't appropriate for me to take those views personally.  You should probably be willing to do the same.  She may be contacting you to let you know she feels bad about what happened.  Life is too short to throw away a friendship based on something like this.  Nothing she says diminishes the validity of your feelings and passion for this film.

Quote
As I have said in other forums, I am Ennis and so was my dad.

Actually, just recognizing you are Ennis is the first step of not being Ennis.   :)  If you're not happy being Ennis-like, you've already taken the first step by recognizing the issue and considering a change.  Now we just have to find ways to help people take the next step... and then the next... and then the next after that.
You're a part of our family - BetterMost, Wyoming

Offline Phillip Dampier

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #17 on: March 12, 2006, 09:25:14 pm »
I'm hurting so bad I can hardly stand it, almost makes me wish I'd never opened to door to BBM.  This film made me aware of a profound emptiness in my life .. I'm so lost and alone ... and I don't even have shirts.  I've cried so much, literally, more than in my entire life.  Everything has been so bottled up inside, I've lost touch with myself.  So now, when I try to remember if I ever had a dream of a bluebird-whisky spring, I have no idea where to go with my new awareness.  My life is just on auto-pilot, going through the paces, but now I have to deal with it ... and I feel deeply wounded.  Looking for clue, I've tried to replay all my past, asking whether there was ever a time I was really happy, really felt love, and I've decided I'm far worse off than ever.  Because now I know it, and it won't go away.  Thanks for listening, just writing it out seemed helful.

Hi Strazeme.  Thanks for sharing these real feelings with all of us.  But I want you to consider a few things that might help you on your journey.  I've been talking to a psychologist about how movies impact on people's lives and the stages people go through in dealing with being unhappy or even depressed.  Part of the road to happiness when being sad or depressed is recognizing that there is something just not right with the way your life is going and you are aware of it and you are willing to share those feelings with others.  For a lot of people, they already know they are unhappy and they want to make changes to become happy - they just don't know what specifically to do to move forward.  You just admitted you are already on the first step of your journey to making some change in your life - you've become profoundly aware that there is an issue.

I don't want you to look at that as a major negative, because it's not.  It's a positive development because people who are content with themselves are not about to find the energy to change things, are they?

Do you think it might be true that the problem here is that you aren't sure what to do to get off auto-pilot, to stop being lonely, and stop bottling all of your feelings up?  If that's the case, perhaps some of us here can help you explore those things and help get you looking in some new directions.

I set up a forum called Our Daily Thoughts.  It's sort of half-blog, half-diary.  Every single user here is invited to start one just by posting a new message there and replying to it with new thoughts as often as they like.  Whatever you are thinking about, why not post it there and let it all out.  It doesn't have to be about the movie - it just has to be about you.  Since you're anonymous, nobody is going to know who you are, so you can be brutally honest.  Nobody will ridicule you for your feelings.  Instead, it's my hope that people here will help you through them, sharing their own experiences - especially on things they've gone through just like you, and perhaps as a group we can keep each other going forward.

This is still a new place - just a month old, and we're still adding a user or three a day, and as traffic builds, so can the number of people to help each other.  Please consider starting a message in that forum so we can join forces and help you move forward.

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Offline Phillip Dampier

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #18 on: March 12, 2006, 09:27:35 pm »
p.s.  Philip....can you direct STRAZ to your "5 stages" plz?  I don't yet know how to post from another forum to THIS one!! 

Sorry it took me awhile to get back to this thread.  I have been making my way up and down the forums with all of the new messages here and trying to give everyone some personal attention!

Here is a link to the stages thread: http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php?topic=59.0
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Offline Phillip Dampier

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #19 on: March 12, 2006, 09:38:29 pm »
The thing that has sustained me this week is knowing that when I've been in this place before, as painful as it has been, I've moved past it and grown as a person. It is hard to deal with pain, but it made me reexamine my life and make the changes to have the things I truly wanted.

If only Ennis had been able to do so.

I recognize that Ennis trait of excuse making not to make necessary changes.  I suffer the same thing - paralysis of fear.  Big, major changes in my life terrify me.  They always have.  Moving up to a new school was enough to upset me, learning how to drive and get a license got put off, going to college was scary, trying to become more extroverted and open about myself, doing the career thing.  It took me years just to get enough courage to get out of renting a townhome and buying a house.  It's fear... everytime.  Lately career changing has been the biggest fear for me, as I wanted to get more into writing and doing something online for work.  The movie was the big catalyst for me to start pursuing it.  I've started by launching this site.  It's giving me experience to take into my next project (and don't worry, there is no way I am abandoning this one) to launch a site for consumer news, reviews, and information.  Its been an idea languishing for a few years because I just lacked enthusiasm and motivation.  BetterMost has given me both now.

What is maddening about Ennis is that he didn't have anyone pushing him.  I suspect half the forum membership here would hop a Greyhound to go out and smack Ennis silly and get him to wake up if we had the chance.  Now here is the scary part - there are REAL LIFE Ennis' among us right now.  You know who you are.   :o  So all the people frustrated by our inability to reach out and do something for Ennis now have that chance right here, right now, and the day after that, and the week after that and so on.  All you have to do is post and participate here.  Everyone's opinion is valued and wanted.  Don't worry about whether you are the best writer or not.  If you ask people which posts on here just floored you the most, I guarantee you some of them were not written by professional writers by any means.

Besides, we can't help give people ideas and support if they never write anything.  So, to those lurkers on here... no more:  :-X  It's forbidden here.   :)
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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #20 on: March 12, 2006, 09:47:48 pm »
I read this post today on the IMDB forum...and just HAD to drag it over here.....it's sooo beautifully poignant...that I feel it deserves a read....on OUR FORUM. 

Now go back and drag him over here too.   :)

Quote
i swear i saw ennis and jack, slowly gather their belongings. Fold up the tent. put away the joyous harmonica for the last time. Climb on their horses and ride out of the auditorium. riding past the howling coyotes and learned snakes. Where they'll go? they don't know. But they know they are not welcome here and our boys are too good to stay any place they are not wanted.

I swear i saw them ride into me. they ride into my heart. make a camp. build a cabin. run a cattle operation. In my heart i will protect them from the world. I will protect them from what they don't understand. Ennis will hold jack and jack will hold ennis in my offer of peace and a home in my soul. I will let them love as they wish and only i can dream. Forever a part of me.

Gosh, I guess I am the perennial optimist around here because this Oscar business just isn't freaking me out like it is some people.  I think once again people are personifying the rejection of Brokeback Mountain as a rejection of one's own feelings for the film and its impact.  It's the ultimate of "taking it personally" that this film didn't win Best Picture, ignoring the fact it won three other awards at the Academy + countless dozens of other awards.

That Crash won is by no means a rejection of Jack and Ennis and the film.  This won't be the first time the Academy bypassed the obvious choice and it certainly won't be the last.
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Offline Pierre

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #21 on: March 13, 2006, 01:55:13 pm »
lol um hello...
i got  the invites and so i'm here lol  ;D
Thank you strazeme and BBmgrandma  ;)

I must say i was really touched by all your positive words.

the fact that i've been able to convey what people have been feeling through my own truth makes me feel like i'm part of a huge family. in essence we are the children of jack and ennis.

i look forward to joining in periodically with my own thoughts and reading yours.

Offline BBMGrandma

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #22 on: March 13, 2006, 06:52:29 pm »
PIERRE!!!  You're here.  What a delightful way to start our DAY!!  Your words sent me off down a new road that I'd never been on before.  

I'm now able to visualize my own Brokeback scenario....and dip sooo much deeper into my own 'well of emotions' that I've been carrying all these years.  

It's been <and still is> a long emotional trip and tiring at times.  The tears I've shed here with my fellow Brokaholics poured endlessly.  NOW I find myself crying tears of happiness....after reading your post.  I've given myself permission to find my own 'ending' for Ennis and Jack.  I wrap my warm blanket around them....I nurture them and keep them safe in my heart...I give them the strength they need when they're undecided and unsure of themselves.....HELL....I even make Hot chocolate for them....when it's cold around the campfire.  (with marshmallows....I might add... ;))    They are MY BOYS....my loves....and they will ALWAYS nestle in a special place in my heart.  
The heartache I felt SOO very strongly....is gone!  

I'm still sorting out things in my life. Lost loves.....regrets....All those "shoulda's" and "Coulda's" and have come to the startling conclusion that I DID!!  So I'm applying all those lessons that I'm learning here....to ALL of those!!!  

I've also learned that it's much easier to keep all of those things "STUFFED".  It takes no effort.  We just ride along with our saddlebags laden with all that crap....and forget to take in the beautiful things in life that are SOO very precious...RIGHT in front of us...in the "here and now"

We've got to drag those demons OUT....face em...and SLAY EM!!!  

I would bet that my fellow Brokaholics in here and getting a wee bit weary of my 'thank you's' to all of them.  But I can't help myself...lol....so here goes again.  

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart....and to YOU....Pierre....my heartfelt thanks.  You gave me the brushes and colors to paint my own picture.  Ennis and Jack are together in my brush strokes.....they will always live....forever...in beautiful peace and harmony.  Love is, indeed...a force of nature. :-*

Much love....Nancy  
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"If we never dream....we'll never have a dream come true"   (me...myself...and I)

Offline BBMGrandma

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #23 on: March 13, 2006, 06:58:05 pm »
pssssssssssst....PHILIP? HEY BOSS!! We did it!!  Dragged Pierre over here as we were told!!  You giving out any 'brownie' points?   

Love ya...... ;)  Nancy
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Offline strazeme

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #24 on: March 13, 2006, 09:26:16 pm »
Nancy .. Phillip ... thank you both for your words of understanding, your encouragement.  You're the only friends I can talk to right now ... guess I'm so needy I'd scare anyone else off.  Even my own son, I really don't think he much cares.  And I'm tring not to wallow in self pity ... like where is that getting me.  So now that my BBM awareness has me so all torn up, the question is:  what am I going to do about it?  And I realize that much as I might wish it, nobody else is going to come to my rescue with a magic Steve fix ... I'll have to somehow do it myself.  Thanks again to you both for being there for me when I needed you most.

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #25 on: March 13, 2006, 10:55:06 pm »
wow thank you so much,

I believe that in ourselves we continue the story. The choices we make, things we observe, even how we love, will all be affected depending on how we have been moved.

This Oscar debacle is not the fight of Jack or ennis. They did all they could. They deserve peace. All they couldn't accomplish in life they will be aloud in side of us all. There will be no sequel so we need to be the continuation.

This film was magic. The perfect marriage between story and film. With so much truth and depth and complexity, this rang more true then most biographies. This was truly a blessing for everyone who has dared to witness it.

Offline strazeme

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2006, 08:20:02 am »
Chris .... Thanks to you, too.  I feel like you gave me a much-needed hug.

Offline Aussie Chris

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2006, 09:23:44 am »
Chris .... Thanks to you, too.  I feel like you gave me a much-needed hug.

You're welcome strazeme.  The cool thing about hugs is, they work both ways. :D
 
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Offline Fla_Tim

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #28 on: March 14, 2006, 08:10:31 pm »
This film was magic. The perfect marriage between story and film. With so much truth and depth and complexity, this rang more true then most biographies. This was truly a blessing for everyone who has dared to witness it.

You are so right. This film moved me like no other film ever has. I was shocked when it didn't win, but that in no way takes away from the fact that this is an outstanding work that has touched so many hearts.

I've read a lot of theories this past week about why people think BBM didn't win, my personal favorites are that Crash was a film that residents of LA could relate to more, and that it provide a safe harbour for the academy voters given the demographics of the academy members (over 50, male, probably mostly straight). I don't know of one straight man that has seen Brokeback, my feeling that this is probably out of some deeply set fear of being forced to examine their own feelings about same sex attraction between men who weren't self identified as gay.

I remember the year Out of Africa won out over The Color Purple; I'd seen Out of Africa and fell in love with it, and was deeply moved when Robert Redford's character was killed. It was my favorite for best picture, which it won. A few months later I saw The Color Purple, which moved me even more, as I left the theater I said to my companion "Spielberg was robbed".

So I'll withhold judgement about what the best film of 2005 was for now since I've only seen one of the nominees. BUT no film has moved me the way BBM has. Here I am a week later having sought out others through the internet and writing about feelings!!!!!

And I certainly don't want to be like Tony Randall who refused to see Brokeback Mountain and still felt he was qualified to help pick the Best Picture of 2005. I wonder if he saw any of Best Picture nominees.  :-\

A big hug to all from Florida.

Tim


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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #29 on: March 15, 2006, 01:36:12 am »
Pierre,
I'm really glad that you made it over to the bettermost board...welcome((())).  This movie means so much to so many of us and at so many different levels; it is really a remarkable phenomenon.  Looking forward to getting to know you on our 'beyond brokeback' journey.
Lynne
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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #30 on: March 16, 2006, 05:53:13 am »
I remember the year Out of Africa won out over The Color Purple; I'd seen Out of Africa and fell in love with it, and was deeply moved when Robert Redford's character was killed. It was my favorite for best picture, which it won.


How odd that you mentioned Out of Africa...Tim.  That film has been my all time favorite movie since the first time I saw it.  It touched me deeply too!!  I was just mentioning it today...in a post on another forum here.  But that was then...and NOW....well....Brokeback Mountain has stolen my heart and renewed my soul.  I can still picture Denyys...as he flew off in his little plane...for the last time.  But it's blurred now....and fading into a quiet campsite....a crackling fire...Ennis lying on his back enjoying the quiet while Jack sits next to him.  In this....I find happiness and peace now. 

Be well....Love Nancy  :-*
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Offline Fla_Tim

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #31 on: March 16, 2006, 08:19:20 am »
Yes Nancy, that was then, not now. I thought of that year's Oscars in trying to resolve my bitterness at the Academy about not awarding Brokeback the best picture. As Ennis would say "If you can't fix it you got a stand it".

As much as I love Out of Africa it didn't rip my guts out the way Brokeback Mountain did. The only thing that came clost to having that kind of effect on me when I read "The Front Runner" at the time I was struggling with coming to terms with my attraction to men. The world opened up for me then, but that is another post for another day -- since it is 7:16 I need to get out of my robe and get my butt to the office at 8.

Hugs,

Tim


Offline Rayn

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #32 on: March 27, 2006, 04:55:21 am »
Dear Phillip and everyone who has written about feelings on Brokeback Mt....

     I can tell you immediately that Brokeback Mountain has had and continues to have a deeper impact on my feelings and thinking than any other movie before it and I watch a lot of movies.  I work in Korea and already have to deal with being alone and sometimes lonely because I am overseas, so I get the blues from time to time like anyone, but I can usually deal with it.

    I saw a trailer or two before the movie arrived here in March and was excited and eager to see it.  Before I saw it on the big screen, there were pirated copies of the DVD on the streets of Seoul.  I got one.  I watched it in the privacy of my apartment.  I was not, like so many of us, prepared for what I would see and feel. 

    I am a writer and teacher, so I'm keenly aware of plot and images on the screen, in poetry etc...   I was intensely aware of the deep loneliness of both Ennis and Jack hidden behind all the tough looks and leather, the "manly" posturing that is suppose to say, "I'm too hard and strong for feeling of tenderness, for intimacy.  I'm too "manly" for all that "sissy" stuff"   

   Jack and Ennis, genuine cowboys that they are, are that type of guy.  But all men, all human beings have a need for tender care and intimacy and a lack of it can lead to hollow lives and even poor health. So, I saw their need of human contact and love and watched them slowly bond with each other even if against their cowboy grain. 

    Their first love scene was so awkward, nearly brutal, that it had little effect on me except to say, "Wow, they sure needed that!"   The second scene, when Ennis willingly comes to Jack in the tent and Jack draws him gently to him with kisses and then pulls him down to his chest, well, that's when I cried the first time.  My own needs at the moment are real; I am lonely here at the moment, so watching them open up to each other worked to open my own heart and mind to a great sadness, an awareness that my own solitude had gone on too long and I needed to change it...   But I was powerless to do anything but truly and deeply feel where I am right now in my life.  So, I cried, but not for too long.  Heartache stayed with me from that point onward.
   
    I was enthralled by the rest of the movie.  I felt Ennis and Jack in me, could identify with both, but for me, I am personally closer in mind and heart to Jack.  The thing that got to me was Jack's frustration at Ennis's inability to love him openly and exclusively. 

    The final scene of Jack and Ennis together, where they argue over "Never enough time" broke feelings open in me that I hadn't felt in years: despair, fear, emptiness, unfulfilled longing and desire for a solid friendship with a lover... the anger and unhappiness mixed with all the love, loyalty and trust was too much for Ennis..."Jack, I just can't take this anymore."   I thought that would be the height of emotion in the movie and yes,  I wept again, more than before.

   When Ennis 's postcard is returned with the word "DECEASED" on it, I went numb. 

    I couldn't believe what had happened, but then reality shoved its way in and I realized Jack was dead.  Whether murdered, as Ennis's thinks, or by an accident, is unclear and readers/viewers are left to wonder, which was intentional or so said Annie Proulx in an interview I have since read.  Jack's death was almost unbearable

    As I watched Ennis try to find out how and why and when Jack died and then talk with Jack's folks, my feelings sunk deeper.  Ennis's devastation is so clea, his loss so great and then to have Jack's father treat him in such a cruel, hateful way.  Thank goodness for Jack's mother.  She was at least kind to him.

   Seeing Ennis enter Jack's room it seemed Jack's entire house was barren but for the grim sadness that filled it.  When Ennis finds the shirts, placed as if the two are one, his blood on both shirts signifying a bond of "blood brothers blood lovers", I cried, but then Ennis, pressing the shirts too his face, inhaling as if to smell some scent of Jack, to hold some last part of Jack close to him,  well at that point, I came unglued.

     I had to stop the film. I sobbed and wept like a beaten child, a man whipped by a cruel reality.  I hadn't cried that way in years, but I knew why at least.  You see, I lost a lover many years ago to an illness, not HIV, but I loss him and for months after he was gone, I would go to the closet and take a sweater or shirt of his out and put it to my face and inhale the scent of him because I missed him that much.  And so, that loss all came rushing back from 20 years ago and it felt as painful as it had when it first happened.   

   I watched the rest of the movie.  I saw it on the big screen and cried again (less intensely but I cried).   I watched it on DVD again and the same emotions were there, but after some time, I said, wait!  What is it that you need now?  Why are you so sad?  What is it you need to be at least somewhat happier?  And I realized the message of Brokeback Mountain is that we all need Love in our lives, we all need tenderness and friendship and intimacy and life is too short  not to have it!

    So, I have begun to take action, to do things to change my situation.  I contacted an old lover who I knew was in another city and reach out to him.  We never stopped being friends, but the romance ended some years ago.  He was delighted to hear from me.  We have renewed our friendship and I'm visiting him more now.   It's not going to be a romantic bond, but the friendship is better than before.  I know he cares; he knows he's got me for a friend still too.

   This is good.  I also decided to find better employment closer to a larger city where I can maybe meet other men and have a date (imagine that?!).   I have lived in this small town where I am now so I could write and work and I have done a lot, written two books, gained good solid experience at my job teaching English.  I am ready for a promotion, a self promotion to a job where I can make more money and have a social life for goodness sake!  I deserve it, but I 'm not sure I would have realized it so soon if I had not seen Brokeback Mt.  Had the feelings in me not been woken up and felt, I might still be in the denial that I was in but wasn't aware of...   For this, I am thankful to Annie Proulx for writing the story and to all who made the movie.  I have read it in book form now too.  It's a wonder to read.  I'm reading more of Annie's stories now.

   I did have "Brokeback Flu" for a while, it's true, but there is a time to heal and look to the future.  I hope all who have such reactions can do the same and I look to you for support and help too.  I'm here for you. Thank you Phillip for this forum and for the great music on Brokeback Mountain Radio station too.

Peace,
Rayn
« Last Edit: March 31, 2006, 03:42:52 pm by Rayn »

Offline Aussie Chris

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #33 on: March 27, 2006, 05:55:16 am »
Seeing Ennis enter Jack's room it seemed Jack's entire house was barren but for the grim sadness that filled it.  When Ennis finds the shirts, placed as if the two are one, blood from both men on them, a bond of love and friendship that made them "blood brothers and lover".......I cried, but then Ennis, pressing the shirts too his face, iinhaling as if to smell some scent of Jack, to hold some last part of Jack close to him... well at that point, I came unglued.

OMG Rayn, this was a beautiful post - it gave me chills.  I think just about everyone on this site would be able to say they related to the story of BBM in some way, but to be able to identify with it so literally (with the shirts) just blows me away - I was a basket case for weeks without having to deal with anything like that!  One thing’s for sure, Brokeback has given us all a not-so-gentle "shake of the shoulders", and we're all left wondering how so much could have changed by one seemingly obscure art house film.  But changed we are - big time!

Congratulations on your rekindled friendship, may there be many more on the horizon.

Best regards and hugs, Chris.
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Offline Rayn

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #34 on: March 27, 2006, 07:46:47 am »
Chris, thanks for your kind reply.  I hope all is going well for you downunder.  It's nice to hear from someone who is almost in the neighborhood!  LOL   How are people in your homeland responding to Brokeback? 

Curious,
Rayn

Offline Aussie Chris

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #35 on: March 27, 2006, 08:49:14 pm »
Chris, thanks for your kind reply.  I hope all is going well for you downunder.  It's nice to hear from someone who is almost in the neighborhood!  LOL   How are people in your homeland responding to Brokeback? 

Hey Rayn, Brokeback has done over US$6M in two months of release in Australia, which is pretty good given our relatively small population, and it is still doing well in the larger cinema complexes and the small art-house cinemas.  My last viewing was a couple of weeks ago in a medium sized cinema and it was almost full (200-300 or so).  But apart from the fact that there has been plenty of "bums-on-seats", one of the things I love about going to the cinema to see BBM is being aware of the other people in the crowd.  I've seen it about 9 times now so I feel like I can almost inhale it, I'm so aware of everything on the screen and in the auditorium.

At the beginning it's the usual munching-confectionary and sipping-drinks noises that are typical of going to the movies, but that only lasts for 30 minutes (queue tent scene #1).  There's usually a little bit of nervous rustling and shifting positions for the next 15 minutes or so, but it's just about then that you realise that the audience become very quiet.  But at the one-hour mark time stops (flashback).  I kid you not, it's not just me holding my breath, the entire audience is and the silence is deafening.  I love the fact that you can really feel the tension of 200+ people not moving a muscle.

Granted, the majority of the people that are going to see it are women, but I also get a kick out of seeing the occasional bloke, who was clearly dragged along by the girlfriend/wife, but leaving with a not-so-blokey expression on his face.  :)

Brokeback gets 'em every time!
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Offline raisinhead

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #36 on: March 28, 2006, 04:23:18 pm »
Rayn, your post really struck me - that sense of time stood still. I've been thinking for a long time about the powerr BBM has over us and what is the structure and philosopohy and sheer story-telling virtuosity behind all this, that makes it so powerful and turns this into soemthing that stays in your mind, heart, soul, whereever, for the longest time.

So I went and wrote 3000 words on the subject.... probably no one is interested in reading this but for the sake of exorcising some post-BBM demons then it is was very cathartic for me.

I humbly submit this to the body of knowledge about the power of BBM. Check out Reviews section.

Excerpt1
Tragedy arose from a protagonist being trapped by two duties, both of which demand fulfilment. This is the theme most often chosen by the Greek dramatists. Their dramas were highly formalised. In a broad interpretation, the classical structure of Greek tragedy and their recurring themes are discernible in Brokeback Mountain.

Excerpt2
n Desire Under The Elms we see a harbinger of the ideas and philosophical heart of Brokeback Mountain -- the conflict between on the one hand, the idea that in life one might seek the Dionysian, freedom, and on the other, choose a life that follows a path of unflinching Apollonian self-denial and hardship. The O’Neill Archive writes again “while Nietzsche provided the philosophical underpinning for Desire Under The Elms, the drama evolved from O’Neill’s perception that men who are forced to serve alien Gods are doomed to loneliness” .

etc

http://manderley.moonfruit.com/

Paul, London
 ::)

Offline Peter John Shields

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #37 on: March 28, 2006, 09:44:41 pm »
Hello all - I have copied this over from a message I sent to Paul on his website...

Hello Paul,
What an eye opening article.  Unreal!  Thank you for your research.  I think that when writers and film makers tap into eternal truths it connects with something deep inside and makes the story a legend.

I found your website via Bettermost and it is wonderful.  Glad to have met you Paul and thanks again.  The way you could describe in words the emotional effect of the movie was very helpful for me in dealing with my own grief over the film - after all knowledge is power.  Has this knowledge helped you cope with your own grief?  I am inspired to learn more literature.  I wonder whether the constucts of the film, such as set design, were conciously designed to reflect existential ideas, or whether they bubbled up from the unconcious on their own...

Peter
Cheerio,
PJ

Offline Rayn

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #38 on: March 29, 2006, 03:38:11 am »
So I went and wrote 3000 words on the subject.... probably no one is interested in reading this but for the sake of exorcising some post-BBM demons then it is was very cathartic for me.

I humbly submit this to the body of knowledge about the power of BBM. Check out Reviews section.

Paul, London


Paul, thanks for your reply.  I will make a point of reading yoiur review and get back to you afterwards.  From the excerpts and comment it sound great.  Thanks, in advance, for the time and work you put into it.

Rayn

Offline Rayn

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #39 on: March 30, 2006, 03:22:53 am »
I just read Paul's review (the link to it is above) and must say, it's excellent.  Thank you Paul for the time and thought you put into it.  I wonder if Annie Proulx actually set out with Greek tragedy in mind or did she hit upon through, say, the collective unconscious?  Who knows?

I'm becoming aware that BBM, this simple but profoundly moving and energizing work of art may very well be a turning point in my life.   I know I am in transition toward new and, I hope better, employment and social relations.  Much is changing, and it seems as if the movie marked some tipping point toward taking serious note of where I am in my life, a push to start making improvements instead of just staying with what I've been comfortable with for years.

So, if I list what is changing, I can say, my job, friendships, where I live (because I will move to another job by autumn) my own writing/art and even music and books I enjoy are taking new forms! 

I don't imagine I will be in cowboy hat and boots too soon!  That's just not me or necessary, but when I look at what has happened since seeing Brokeback Mountain, many things add up.  Of course, some might say that all those changes could have happened without BBM, but from where I stand and see my life, I don't think so.

I want to again recommend Paul’s review.  Good Writing!

Rayn
« Last Edit: March 30, 2006, 03:31:39 am by Rayn »

Offline twistedude

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #40 on: March 31, 2006, 04:17:19 pm »
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Offline Rayn

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #41 on: April 05, 2006, 12:32:43 am »
Hello Everyone...

    Well, I thought I'd seen the movie enough (4 x on DVD, 1 x on the Big Screen), but I'm craving it again!  It feels like wanting chocolate or some other desire for food.  I keep telling myself I've seen it enough, but the craving comes back anyway.  Will I need "Brokeback Anonymous" soon or what!?  LOL   

    Ok, I know that because of where I am in my life and where I work right now (Asia), I'm escaping my situation a bit by watching it.   That's what movies are... mostly escape.   I'm "living" the fantasy of an intense relationship in the movie because I don't have one right now myself.  I think as long as I'm aware of that, I can watch it again...  Yes, watch it as many times as I like!  I'm an "adult", I can do that if I want!  LOL

    I know there are other people who have seen it as many as 10 or more times.   So at least I'm not as "gone" as they are!   ::)  There has to be a point at which I tire of it, right?   

Maybe....   

    On the "reality" side of my life, my new friendship with my former lover is really good.  He took me out to a live theater show and then Outback Streak House for my Birthday last week, sang the Birthday Song in his wonderful baritone voice.  He's been great, so supportive.

    I'm looking for better employment too and keeping up with the job I have now.   But I'm just wondering... Should I have the BBM Poster I got at the theater framed or not?   I'm not obsessing, I'm not, I'm not , really  >>>>>>>>   Ok, I am a bit and that's why I'm here again.   

More as it happens....

Peace,
Rayn

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #42 on: April 12, 2006, 04:43:44 pm »
Last night my wife brought home Brokeback Mountain on DVD for us to watch. I really hadn't any idea at all about the movie, but she wanted me to watch it with her.  It wasn't too long before I became fully engrossed in the movie. But about half way through I started to develop this sense of sadness that grew more and more intense as the movie played on..
 I'm usually the kind a guy who doesn't let anything unnerve me. I work in a very macho type environment. Our behaviour is based on most of our past military training. This is just to give you an idea from where I am coming from. When my parents passed away I didn't even shed a tear. It was just a fact of life to me.
 Finally when the movie got to the part where Jack and Ennis are fighting over the coulda shoulda ideals at Brokeback and the famous line comes "I wish I knew how to quit you". I started getting tearly eyed. And then when Ennis just collapses by Jack, the tears really started to flow.  My wife asks me "WHAT is wrong with you? This is only a movie!". But as we continued with the movie, only to find out that Jack was dead my depressive state just worsened.  At the end of the movie, when Ennis looked at the shirts in the closet I really lost it. I tried to compose myself for at least an hour before I went to bed. My wife is seriously concerned how this movie could have affected me this way.  She cried through it too, but I think she has a better understanding of this film than I do.
 Believe it or not, I am still periodically crying about this darned film. I certainly couldn't go to work today. Crying on my job could get me fired! I am at a total loss as to why I am feeling like this? I would never consider a relationship with another man, but I am feelng just so depressed about this movie!
 On a very bizarre note, we love the Teton Mountains in Wyoming (I know the movie was filmed in Canada, but it susposedly takes place in Wyoming) and a long time ago when I made up my will, I specified that I want my ashes spread somewhere in the Teton range next to a stream. And look what happened at the end of the movie about Jack's final wishes.

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #43 on: April 12, 2006, 07:19:16 pm »
Hi, texman,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt post. I'm glad you found your way to BetterMost and felt comfortable enough to share your story with us.

The feelings you describe are very similar to those of so many others who have experienced this remarkable film. I first saw the film theatrically on Februay 18th (the day before I turned thirty-nine), and I have been crying every single day since...no other movie has affected me like this. Ennis and Jack are in my mind when I wake up in the mornings, and they're there when I go to bed at night. They feel like real people to me, who have assumed permanent lodging in my heart...simply amazing that fictional characters can have this kind of effect on one.

I know that that's rough to be overwhelmed with emotion at one's place of work. I've been dealing with this ever since February, and luckily am in a job where I'm not around people all the time. I can say that, with repeated viewings (I've seen the film a total of five times in the theater), the story's happier moments gain more prominence, and the sadness is mitigated by the joy that these characters do know at some points. But the sadness has not gone away, and I'm not sure if or when it will.

If I can make a suggestion, it would be to go with your feelings--explore them for what they are, and don't try to suppress them (outside of "inappropriate" contexts such as the workplace). The whole story of "Brokeback Mountain" is about the dangers of repressing one's emotional life, and of how such stifling of the spirit can poison and destroy human lives. This film is giving people a remarkable opportunity to examine their own lives, to reflect not only on past regret but to seize present and future opportunity, to forge ahead with renewed appreciation for the good and beautiful things around us. It is, in my opinion, nothing less than a miracle.

This whole site is about offering folks like us, who have been profoundly affected by this film, "to finish the story in our own lives". We will be here to read and support you as you continue posting. Peace and strength be with you...

Scott
« Last Edit: February 15, 2008, 06:19:08 pm by moremojo »

Offline Aussie Chris

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #44 on: April 14, 2006, 07:24:35 am »
Finally when the movie got to the part where Jack and Ennis are fighting over the coulda shoulda ideals at Brokeback and the famous line comes "I wish I knew how to quit you". I started getting tearly eyed. And then when Ennis just collapses by Jack, the tears really started to flow.  My wife asks me "WHAT is wrong with you? This is only a movie!". But as we continued with the movie, only to find out that Jack was dead my depressive state just worsened.  At the end of the movie, when Ennis looked at the shirts in the closet I really lost it. I tried to compose myself for at least an hour before I went to bed. My wife is seriously concerned how this movie could have affected me this way.  She cried through it too, but I think she has a better understanding of this film than I do.

Good for you texman, I love it when straight men get this film.  You're on the path now, and it really and truly gets easier from here, so hang in there and give yourself some room to process the medicine you've just swallowed!  You'll be glad you did.  One thing though, I don't know you or your wife, but it sounds to me like you left you wife in the dust when it comes to understanding Brokeback Mountain.  Keep reading, and sharing, you'll know why I say this in time. ;)

Glad you joined us here at BetterMost.  Take care, Chris.
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texman

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #45 on: April 14, 2006, 11:50:52 am »
I think I finally figured out what happened to me with this movie. I've been married about 25 years with two sons in college. Before I married my wife, I dated another gal for a few years beforehand. We were in love and I seriously considered marrying her. But she was the cool, professional type of woman and I felt that I wasn't getting what I needed on a supportive level from her. We argued about this a little and I finally dumped her figuring that she wasn't the one for me, cause if you don't like somthing about someone before you marry them, you'll really not like it later!  I later regreted this decision for about a year or so after. Over the years I have periodically thought about what would have happened if I had actually married her. I think this film opened these old wounds on me and I'm paying the price now for not dealing with the situation more effectively back then.  As they say in the movie, ole' Brokeback got me good. Now that I've realized this, I'm back to square one again.
 I haven't mentioned this to my wife as she thinks that I've totally flipped out over this movie and can't understand my interest in it. She's said "this is SO unlike you!" She also said it disturbs her to see HER strength in life fall apart over such an unlikely source as a movie about two guys who have a love affair.

 A situation is a situation regardless of the gender of the partners and their orientation, I finally realized.  You must make your choices based on what you feel is the best direction to follow and don't look back and dwell on the shoulda, coulda, woulda's.

 I think that Jack wasted too much time on Ennis, and never really got what he wanted on a supportive level. I think that's what he was thinking in the last scene when he watched Ennis drive away for the last time. He looked pissed off that he wasted so much time with a person that couldn't give him what he needed. It's a shame that those two's last time together ended in an argument. I think the thing that grabbed me the most is when Ennis collapses at the climax of the scene. I find it very uncomfortable to watch a man cry like that. I feel like my own makeup was feeling the emptyness Jack had in his life, while my own personallity is like that of Ennis', minus the violent outburts.
 
 Extremely powerful stuff.

I am so glad this forum is here because I really have anybody who I can discuss all this with. When I try to discuss it with my wife, I get all teary eyed and choked up and this disturbs here even more, to the point where I think she's getting pissed off. Thanks so much for being here.

Offline DeeDee

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #46 on: April 14, 2006, 06:46:50 pm »
Hey texman!
Welcome to the club.  I actually saw this movie 20 times in the theater, and the last time I forced my husband to go with me.  When the movie ended, I asked him, "well?" He just looked at me and said "wow, this was not what I expected."
I knew that and that's why I made him go.  We talked about all the way home and the next day.  He was sincerely overwhelmed.  And HE said to me, "that's not a gay cowboy movie, what are these people talking about."

So it's so nice to hear from another straight man.  I feel anyone with a soul will be touched by this story.

As for the last scene, with Ennis and Jack, I thought Jack had a look of sadness in him. He seemed to be resolved to the fact that he was going to give Ennis up, and that just tore my heart out.

I also think that one of Heath Ledgers best moments, (and there were many) is when he visits Jacks parents and realizes Jack  had someone else.  I love the way his face changes and his nostrils flare with such sublety, that if you blink, you'll miss it.

Welcome again texman...hope to hear from you soon.


 :)
« Last Edit: April 14, 2006, 06:50:34 pm by deedee »
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Offline hermitdave

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #47 on: April 14, 2006, 08:26:03 pm »
Yes Deedee, I agree with everything you said. I think that when Ennis found out Jack made plans with the ranch foreman to move to Jacks parents farm-he (Ennis)- was stunned . I believe that he quickly realized that although Jack found someone else-it was only because Ennis had once again refused Jacks offer of a life together. I believe Ennis knew that he was still Jacks one and only love. That Jacks admission that sometimes he missed him so much he could hardly stand it-was his final plea and that Jack was with someone else out of pure tortured lonliness.He knew it wasnt what he and Jack shared. He finally heard what Jack had been saying all along.
"Whenever Im alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again. Whenever Im alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again." - The Cure

Offline DeeDee

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #48 on: April 14, 2006, 08:31:31 pm »
I'll tell ya, I love your tag.  BBM changed me beyond words.  I never thought ANY movie would do that.
Even after numerous viewings, I found myself yelling at the screen..."Ennis you fool, this man loves you."  LOL.  It's a wonder I wasn't put away yet.
In America sex is an obsession.  In other parts of the world it is a fact.

Marlene Dietrich

Offline hermitdave

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #49 on: April 14, 2006, 09:59:18 pm »
Yeah I know. I cant get these two out of my mind. I find myself thiking about them all day and night. Ive even been dreaming about them. I went out yesterday to buy the book. The clerk asked me if I had seen the movie. I started to tell her about it-and could only say a few words before I started to cry. I never let my emotions show in public. I feel like I am a differant person than before I saw this movie. I believe I will have them in my heart and mind for the rest of my life.
"Whenever Im alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again. Whenever Im alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again." - The Cure

Offline DeeDee

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #50 on: April 14, 2006, 10:08:29 pm »
So glad I'm not alone in this lifeboat.  I found myself driving to work and a song from one of the videos comes on and I'm done...lol
I fell in love with 2 fictional characters and for the life of me, I don't find that strange at all.  Maybe because in my heart I know there are probably many Ennis' and Jacks out there.
I do agree with you on one thing, they will stay with me the rest of my life.
 :)
In America sex is an obsession.  In other parts of the world it is a fact.

Marlene Dietrich

Offline hermitdave

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #51 on: April 14, 2006, 10:30:23 pm »
There are a lot of Ennises and Jacks out there. I am one of them. When I was younger I was like Jack, willing to sacrifice all for love. Then as I got older I became more and more afraid of life and uncomfortable with myself. Death of my best friend,self doubt,disallusionment, all together made me retreat and close myself off. When I saw this film I realized I have been in pain for years...and didnt even know it. I believe many people are in the same boat. I have read a lot of what people have written here and elsewhere the last few days,and am amazed at how many people off all ages persusions and circumstances are feeling what I feel. Its really a miracle-whats happened as a result of this film. I hope all involved with BBM are aware of what affect this film has had on so many. :'( :)
"Whenever Im alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again. Whenever Im alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again." - The Cure

Offline bbm_stitchbuffyfan

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #52 on: April 26, 2006, 05:40:51 pm »
Yeah, deedee and hopefulheart, both of you have really nice tags. They remind me of Brokeback.  :)

When I first saw this movie in January, it haunted me for weeks. I didn't have a decent night's sleep for at least a week after I saw this movie. I cried over it every single day and was in a state of emotional hell.

The feelings came back again when I read the book and watched the movie for a second, third, fourth, and fifth time (though, the first viewing had the most extreme aftermath in terms of depressing me). I watched the movie for a sixth time last Friday and spent Saturday and Sunday moping about it. I was really downbeat those days and, like in January, had no motivation to do anything. Whenever I'm keeping busy or in public, I'm doing a decent job of hiding my pain but then these past two or three days I've had moments where I just cry, or want to and find I cannot. Sometimes when I want to just burst into tears, I cannot and then other times, I do. It's bizarre.

I'm still thinking about this movie all the time and I want to continue to do so. I love Jack and Ennis so very much and I don't ever want to let them go. This movie has changed me and my life in an incredible way and while there have been days where it is truly too much to handle, it is a miracle.

Currently, I'm still preoccupied with Brokeback and Brokeback only on the computer. It constantly resurfaces in my head. While I don't cry as much over it (I'm talking about after my last viewing, not during the viewing itself, and I do feel guilty about that, in some strange way), my hand-in-hand obsession and depression still seems to be here...

I hope this stays with me for the rest of my life. For a while the pain subsided (but then resurfaced when I watched this movie again) and I assume it will again, eventually, but everytime I watch the movie or read the book, I expect to be heartbroken again.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2006, 05:43:07 pm by bbm_stitchbuffyfan »
If you'd just realize what I just realized then we'd be perfect for each other and we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now
We missed out on each other now


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Offline DeeDee

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #53 on: April 26, 2006, 06:03:59 pm »
Yeah, deedee and hopefulheart, both of you have really nice tags. They remind me of Brokeback.  :)

When I first saw this movie in January, it haunted me for weeks. I didn't have a decent night's sleep for at least a week after I saw this movie. I cried over it every single day and was in a state of emotional hell.

The feelings came back again when I read the book and watched the movie for a second, third, fourth, and fifth time (though, the first viewing had the most extreme aftermath in terms of depressing me). I watched the movie for a sixth time last Friday and spent Saturday and Sunday moping about it. I was really downbeat those days and, like in January, had no motivation to do anything. Whenever I'm keeping busy or in public, I'm doing a decent job of hiding my pain but then these past two or three days I've had moments where I just cry, or want to and find I cannot. Sometimes when I want to just burst into tears, I cannot and then other times, I do. It's bizarre.

I'm still thinking about this movie all the time and I want to continue to do so. I love Jack and Ennis so very much and I don't ever want to let them go. This movie has changed me and my life in an incredible way and while there have been days where it is truly too much to handle, it is a miracle.

Currently, I'm still preoccupied with Brokeback and Brokeback only on the computer. It constantly resurfaces in my head. While I don't cry as much over it (I'm talking about after my last viewing, not during the viewing itself, and I do feel guilty about that, in some strange way), my hand-in-hand obsession and depression still seems to be here...

I hope this stays with me for the rest of my life. For a while the pain subsided (but then resurfaced when I watched this movie again) and I assume it will again, eventually, but everytime I watch the movie or read the book, I expect to be heartbroken again.


You know, I don't want it to sound like I'm happy for your misery, but it's so much better knowing others feel the same way.
I thought I was freak after I saw it.. None of my friends feel half the way I do.  I came to these boards after 3 weeks of obsessing by myself.  They have been my salvation.

I, like yourself, cry a little less, but the emotions of the movie are stronger than ever.  Half of me wishes these feelings would falter a little, but the other half wants to hang on forever.

In America sex is an obsession.  In other parts of the world it is a fact.

Marlene Dietrich

Offline ednbarby

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #54 on: April 28, 2006, 03:18:44 pm »
Texman, I just wanted to chime in on your story, too.  My husband is an airline pilot and is ex-military.  He did not shed a tear when his mother died - still hasn't, as far as I know.  The only other time I've ever seen him cry was when the first German shepherd we had together years ago died.  (He did not cry when our most beloved one died a few years ago, yet he still mentions how much he misses her from time to time.)  ANYway, it took me a long time to convince him to see the movie on DVD with me.  I'd seen it five times in the theater, and wanted him to watch it on DVD with me when I first got it.  He said he wanted to see it eventually, but just "wasn't in the mood."  He said this for about three weeks.  I finally got him to watch it.  He sat riveted through the whole thing - didn't get up once, which is extremely rare for him since he's pretty energetic and doesn't like to sit still for very long.  When the scene came where Ennis went into Jack's bedroom, I looked over at him and tears were running down both sides of his face.  He wasn't even trying to hide them.  But I had a different reaction from your wife's - partly because I know that I am not the love of his life, nor is he mine.  We both know that, we both accept it.  Honestly, I was thrilled.  I was thrilled that my best friend and lifelong partner *got* what I had been telling him about for so long.  And I've felt closer to him than I ever did before ever since that night.  We've been getting along better than ever, too.  I never asked him why it made him cry - I think I know, so I see no reason to press it with him.  I sat there weeping along with him and I'd seen it several times by then and he didn't ask me.  Fair is fair.

Anyway, thanks for sharing such a personal story.  It always makes my day when I hear about a new Brokeback fan.  And I hope no one will take this the wrong way, but it makes my day that much more when the new fan is a straight man.  I hope you'll stick around and continue to post your feelings about this extraordinary movie.  I've found it's excellent therapy.  :)
« Last Edit: April 28, 2006, 03:23:55 pm by ednbarby »
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Offline ednbarby

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #55 on: April 28, 2006, 03:29:01 pm »
hopefulheart, I dream about Jack and Ennis, too.  Just about every night, in fact.  They're always there somewhere, on the sidelines, and they're always together.  Never in my life have I dreamt about fictional characters, and I've been deeply captivated by others before them.  But as Ennis says in the short story, nothing like this.  Your posts about this have inspired me to change my signature, as a matter of fact.  Just want you and DeeDee to know that you're not the Lone Rangers on this one.  :)
« Last Edit: April 28, 2006, 03:32:17 pm by ednbarby »
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Offline bbm_stitchbuffyfan

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #56 on: April 29, 2006, 03:16:52 pm »
Quote
hopefulheart, I dream about Jack and Ennis, too.  Just about every night, in fact.  They're always there somewhere, on the sidelines, and they're always together. 

 :'( Awwe... I dream about them too. A lot of times I have trouble remembering what I dreamt about but I heard somewhere that you dream hundreds of dreams each night. Considering that Jack and Ennis constantly haunt my mind, it would be ridiculous to think that I didn't dream of them. A lot of mornings I wake up and they're the first things on my mind.

Quote
You know, I don't want it to sound like I'm happy for your misery, but it's so much better knowing others feel the same way.
I thought I was freak after I saw it.. None of my friends feel half the way I do.  I came to these boards after 3 weeks of obsessing by myself.  They have been my salvation.

I, like yourself, cry a little less, but the emotions of the movie are stronger than ever.  Half of me wishes these feelings would falter a little, but the other half wants to hang on forever.

I know what you're talking about. I thought I was losing it after I first saw Brokeback then I went to IMDB and found out many others were dealing with the same trauma. The boards have been life-savers for me.

Last time I watched the movie, I sobbed out loud and it broke my heart (that was eight days ago). Yesterday, I made up my mind that I would allow myself to think about Brokeback but I would stop basking in the sorrow (at least, for a while). So far, I've felt worse today than a few days ago when I was actually trying to soak in the sadness. I've had far worse Brokeback days though...
If you'd just realize what I just realized then we'd be perfect for each other and we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now
We missed out on each other now


R.I.P. Heath Ledger

Offline Rayn

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #57 on: May 12, 2006, 12:55:39 pm »
Being/getting in touch with the feelings that the movie brings up in me....   

Well, I haven't watched the movie in weeks and don't feel I want to, but I listened to the soundtrack today and while I enjoyed the vocal artists, the instrumentals make me feel very sad.  I don't want to feel that way, so I won't watch the movie for a long while. 

I'm thankful that the movie has motivated me to make some good changes in my life, but the feelings I get when I view the movie aren't helping me make progress.  Enough is enough, huh?

More later,
Rayn

Offline DecaturTxCowboy

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #58 on: May 12, 2006, 08:17:27 pm »
So we're watching all them sheep and buddy says to me, "Justin..Ya know yer christmas nativity scene with the six foot pink flamingos dressed as the old wise men?  You need to replace the pig with the halo as baby gee-sus and use a lamb..."


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Take it like a man - steady and strong, not a lot of fuss and carring on.  True to a promise, I can ride in any storm.  So bend over and take it like a man...Too much of a good thing is a good thing.

Offline kudzudaddy

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #59 on: May 12, 2006, 10:03:33 pm »
Hi, Guys...

Newbie here... refugee from Imdb.  I found this post over there today and I'd like to share it with you.  I apologize it it's already been done or if this is the wrong place. 

NOTE:  this is NOT about me.  If's from an anonymous poster on IMdB who hasn't been back since these posts.

" by -  ilovefishing99  27 minutes ago (Fri May 12 2006 18:20:17 )    
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My wife of 35 years rented "Brokeback Mountain" the other day. It was something we had a hard time watching. There is so much I want to say right now, but I am not sure how to put it into words, so first, I apologize if this seems to long.

I have recently new to this site, and spend a lot of time reading posts, but have never thought of saying anything. You can say I am not much for words, but i enjoy reading what people have to say about films, and tv shows.

I am a farner in West Michigan, and work in a factory, we are middle class people. not a lot of money, but I always thought we were the perfect family. We had 2 children a boy and girl (not even a year apart). Our son woul of been 35 this year....

1993 our son told us he was gay, we kicked him out of the house and stopped talking to him. We returned fathers/mothers day cards to him, Christmas cards...all "return to sender". We rejected him. Over the years we slowly began talking to him, but only a few times a year. I remember thinking what I did, and my wife had the same thoughts. We still "don't understand it" but a few years ago we both thought, "We are getting older" and we didn't want to die without knowing our son. I am glad for those couple years. I admit it was hard for me, and I admit I turned him away, and I said some terrible things about the homosexual community without ever trying to understand them. My son was a man, he never appeared the way gay people did on telelvsion or in movies. Whn I saw this film, i saw my son. Him and his partner Mike were like 2 best friends. I enjoyed going to their house and drinking beer and laughing. I love strawberrys, I grow them and had brought over bushes for Kyle and Mike to plant. Of course Kyle didn't inherit my green thumb so he asked Mike to plant them.

My wife and my health were going down himm...mainly becasue of our ignorance. When we started to form our bond with our son, we felt better. We were Catholic and our Priest was the most significant person to help us come closer to our son. Mike reminded me of that Ennis character, and my son Kyle, I laugh now with tears in my eyes because "Jack" is my son....(a spitting image of his mother)...Always nag nag nag (I can laugh at that right?) My wife is a wonderful woman but she does push....maybe thats what keeps me going. Especially now. The last year has been unlike anything you can imagine...

Kyle was killed in a car accident early in the morning on his way to work. My daughter in a nurse she called us first said she couldnt get ahold of Mike and to go get him. When I picked Mike up he was planting the strawberrys. It's funny how I can't remember anything from that day accept stupid details...

Mike didn't say anything in the trauck, once we got to the hospital, Mike stood there over Kyle..Mike was holding his hand, he looked at us, his face was empty. Kyle died shortly after that moment. Part of me thanks God he was given those last moment with Mike. Even thought he was unconscious, I have to believe that he knew that Mike was there. I never seen two people so much in love, and I only wish that I could of spent more time knowing their life together.

I lost almost 10 years of my sons life because of my ignorance. I thank God that Mike has let my wife and I in by showing us pictures, telling us stories, movies they made. But most of all their dreams. So, why did I want to post this? Therapy maybe, I have so much bottled up, and I cannot talk to people face to face. I am becoming an old man who was set in his ways.

I miss my son, I just wanted you to know that."



Don't know what I can say after that.  Perhaps a respectful silence is the only reponse.

--Kudz
« Last Edit: May 24, 2006, 10:02:30 pm by kudzudaddy »

Offline Aussie Chris

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #60 on: May 12, 2006, 11:31:10 pm »
Don't know what I can say after that.  Perhaps a respectful silence is the only reponse.

Hi Kudz, this is amazing.  I am torn between emotions.  I agree with the appropriateness of respectful silence.

Thanks for posting.
Nothing is as common as the wish to be remarkable - William Shakespeare

Offline serious crayons

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #61 on: May 12, 2006, 11:52:56 pm »
Wow. That is one of the saddest personal experience posts I've seen.

Offline kudzudaddy

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #62 on: May 13, 2006, 08:19:28 pm »
Hello, again...

Ilovefishing posted again today.  I repost it here for those that were touched, as I was, by his story.

"by  - ilovefishing99  2 minutes ago (Sat May 13 2006 17:01:47)    
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Last night after i posted my story I sat down with my wife and told her I felt better, we see a therapist still once in a while and she in constantly telling us to tell our story with others. But, as many of you know it is not easy for people to listen or understand (pweopl at our church). We joined a local chapter of PFLAG, which helps.

I want to thank everyone for your posts and kind words. I wish I could answer you all individually, but the last thing you need to see is "Ilovefishing99" all over this board. I would like to address what many of you have said though, if you will allow me.

About asking for forgiveness from the gay community, I ask for it everyday, I guess you can say I was "brainwashed", but I hate using that word. I grew up in a family that didn't hate gays, in fact I found out my mther had a relationship with a woman for a very long time, i look back now and guess I saw the signs. My parents did not ever tell me to hate gays, in fact I grew up in a very progressive family. (Actually I grew up in a substance abuse family, except for myself)...Maybe they were to "high" to hate. I don't blame my church, because our priest openly excepts gays and is one of the people that HELPED bring Kyle closer to us. I know many Catholics are against gays, but I am being honest here, our church embraces them, and Father Bill NEVER denouces them EVER. I thank him every day for what he did for us. Even when we didn't talk to Kyle he never lost his faith. He and Mike still remained very active in their church they attended, and said they were welcomed with open arms. I believe the Cathoilc church is slowly accepting gays, I do. I have to believe that, and it takes one step at a time (even if they are baby steps).

About what Tom said, I do feel as though this is my punishment for what I did to Kyle. I blame myself every day, and I know IT IS NOT my fault, and I ask God to forgive me every day, I will never be able to let that guilt go. If I could get those 10 years back I would. I have no idea where my hate came from, I don't and I refuse to blame anyone except for myself. To many of us in this world try to lay blame on somebody else instead of taking the responsiblity. I know I didn't cause the accident that took his life. But, every day I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to me? Life goes by so quick, and we are all in such a hurry to catch up to it, but what we all need to do is slow down and be happy with what we have.

We are still close with Mike, he refuses to move on, or maybe he just tells us that. I can see it in his eyes. I called him today to say hi, I told him about this board and what I wrote. I wish I couls do something to make him happier. I just want the pain to go away, as the father I feel like it is my responsiblity to do this, and I know I cannot.

About BBM, everyone here says they can relate to the characters som how, I see my son and Mike happy. In my dreams I see them happy with a family.

thank you all again for your kind words and letting me tell part of my familys story."



For those who believe in prayer...  I hope you will include this man in your remembrance. 


Offline mike348

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #63 on: May 14, 2006, 02:32:47 pm »
I have to add to add my story.  My partner of many years wanted to see this but I was not so interested.  So I bought the DVD for his birthday when it came out in UK (2 weeks ago) and we watched it the night before I left for a business trip.  He did not seem that taken, expected more romance I think but I have been devastated while 6000 miles away from him. I breakdown every night at the end of the day and when I phone him I have to take care to stay calm as I do not want to worry him.  When I return home I want to see the movie again but I am not sure I should?  I will always remember the scene where Ennis puts his arms around Jack after the second night (I think). And of course the very end... why oh why did the writer have to kill Jack?  Why couldn't she have had him seriously wounded and Ennis come and take him away to a better life.  Annie I don't think I can ever forgive you....Will I ever stop feeling so sad?

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #64 on: May 14, 2006, 09:07:16 pm »
Quote
For those who believe in prayer...  I hope you will include this man in your remembrance.
 

Actually one does not have to have a religion of any kind to have prayerful thoughts about someone who has needs.

The Holy Spirit of the God in whom I believe does hear the prayers of folks who even call themselves, atheists, agnostics and sinners.

I am not ashamed that I am a Practicing Pentecostal and I believe that God the Father and Jesus the Christ can talk to me by Holy Spirit's power and Holy Spirit speaks for Them.

My friend, Jim, who had lost his son to HIV/AIDS, knew that I was having some financial struggles some years back. We had become friends in a support group for Family and Friends of those who have HIV/AIDS. After I became homeless and got my own apartment, he helped me move my stuff that was in storage to my home.

Jim had been turned off by religious fanatics and he was not even going to church. He did have respect for me and my own beliefs. In fact, I was the "Bible expert" for the group and that was because they wanted me to be.

One day, the Lord said to me through the power of the Holy Spirit, "Jim is outside working in his yard and right now he is thinking about you. He is hoping that a certain thing will be done to help you financially and I am going to answer his thoughts for you as a regular prayer."

And, if I remember correctly, Jim was the only person who knew about that particular need.

A few years later, Jim started attending a Methodist church and even joined the sanctuary choir.

So, my heart and prayers go out to your friend.

Offline kudzudaddy

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #65 on: May 14, 2006, 09:25:36 pm »
Thanks, TJ --

he's not a friend, though... just someone who posted on Imdb.

And the story gets stranger... sometime this afternoon the admins deleted his threads and his account.  I can't imagine why.  He could, I suppose, delete his own account...  but the threads clearly say, "deleted by admin."


Offline Rayn

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #66 on: May 15, 2006, 09:33:20 am »

We were Catholic and our Priest was the most significant person to help us come closer to our son.

Kyle was killed in a car accident early in the morning on his way to work.

Mike didn't say anything in the trauck, once we got to the hospital, Mike stood there over Kyle..Mike was holding his hand, he looked at us, his face was empty. Kyle died shortly after that moment.
 
I lost almost 10 years of my sons life because of my ignorance. I thank God that Mike has let my wife and I in by showing us pictures, telling us stories, movies they made. But most of all their dreams. So, why did I want to post this? Therapy maybe, I have so much bottled up, and I cannot talk to people face to face.



Dear kudzudaddy,

My Dad and Mom are Catholic too and it was their priest who helped them understand and get closer to me when I came out to them.  They had a very hard time too.  They didn't reject me, but were so overhelmed with guilt thinking they had "done something wrong" in my upbringing.  They had not.  They were pretty loving and good parents.  We are ok now.   

I know you are thankful to your priest, but also be thankful to yourself and your wife for finally coming to terms and making the effort to know your son when he was alive.  Look at the time you did have, not so much what you lost.  There's nothing we can do about loss and we all lose loved ones.  No one escapes pain or death, no one, but we can share our grief with each other.  You are right to share the story of your son with others.  It can help them and it will help you too. 

When I read your words, I felt your sadness.   I grieve with you now, but know, one day, the pain will heal and you will have only love and good memories of Kyle.  I hope for that, for you and your wife and Mike... Healing and

Peace,
Rayn

« Last Edit: May 15, 2006, 09:38:03 am by Rayn »

TJ

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #67 on: May 15, 2006, 03:46:25 pm »
Thanks, TJ --

he's not a friend, though... just someone who posted on Imdb.

And the story gets stranger... sometime this afternoon the admins deleted his threads and his account.  I can't imagine why.  He could, I suppose, delete his own account...  but the threads clearly say, "deleted by admin."


Anyone has a freedom to copy something from one discussion forum and paste it in another discussion forum where the sujects are similar.

But, I usually don't copy and paste what someone had originally posted in another forum unless I can document what the other forum member posted was the actual truth.

One reason for writing the above is because of the over abundance of urban legends which one sees on the internet or even gets in regular snail mail mail boxes.

Offline kudzudaddy

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #68 on: May 15, 2006, 09:48:04 pm »
Well, TJ,

I don't know how I could go about "documenting" what this man wrote.  It never occurred to me to doubt him.  I have since spoken to him privately and am more than ever convinced his post and he are genuine. 

Perhaps I'm gullible, I don't know.  But, this time... I don't think so.


Offline kudzudaddy

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #69 on: May 15, 2006, 09:52:45 pm »
Rayn,
thank you for your lovely post.  But you must understand the story is not mine.  I read it on Imdb and posted it here because I thought it poignant and wonderfully relatied to this site.  I have no doubt your thoughts would be of comfort to the man who wrote this... I only know his name is Bob.  And I do believe he is genuine.

--Kudz

Offline Rayn

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #70 on: May 16, 2006, 02:17:20 am »
Rayn,
thank you for your lovely post.  But you must understand the story is not mine.  I read it on Imdb and posted it here because I thought it poignant and wonderfully relatied to this site.  I have no doubt your thoughts would be of comfort to the man who wrote this... I only know his name is Bob.  And I do believe he is genuine.

--Kudz

Oh, Sorry for the misunderstanding; I didn't catch that, but I see now. Thanks for letting me know.  Perhaps, if you know Bob, you can pass along my sentiments. 

Peace,
Rayn

Offline saucycobblers

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #71 on: May 19, 2006, 12:41:53 pm »
Hey, my first proper, grown-up post on this board. Been reading some threads and you people seem like a fine group of human beings  ;D. I shared my story on the IMDB board and I wanted to share it here too, because in a strange way BBM has been a comfort to me and the situation I find myself in at the moment. I still can't quite fathom why, but watching it makes me feel better, like true love really does exist and I'm not imagining all of this. So here goes. This is my story...

It was late 1990. I was 22 and had just moved to a new town with my fiancé, to a new house together. He was in the forces, so I was used to the long, long absences and kind of leading a double life – one with a partner and one without. I was a faithful partner, in love, and never even thought about other men. So I busied myself building a social life, and joined the local amdram group – my other passion. Jacob was 20 and had been going to this group for years – he was born and raised in the town we’d moved to – but I don’t remember the first time I saw him, although he says he does very clearly. There were so many people there in that wonderful, warm group, and he was one of many friends I made there. I remember, though, the exact moment I fell in love with him as if it were yesterday.

Jacob was in a play touring the amdram festival circuit and I went along with some of the group to support him. We’d grown to be good friends over the 18 months or so I’d been there, but something physical happened to me that night – I was watching him acting his little heart out and suddenly felt like something had squeezed my chest until I couldn’t breathe. Excuse me while I get all melodramatic and say it was like a thunderbolt (you can stop laughing now ;-)) and I sat there wondering what just happened. I suddenly wanted to rush up on stage and hold him and never let him go. (Just to clarify - at this point my relationship was in some real problems and my fiancé was away on a lengthy absence.) After the play was over I chatted with him and the rest of the group in the bar and then made my excuses and left, but before I left the building, and I swear to God this is true, I felt a pressure on my back turning me round and nudging me back to him, where I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek and said “You were wonderful”. We looked at each other, smiled, and I left. Years later he said it was one of the magic moments of his life – it was for me, too.

At the next amdram meeting the next week we were standing behind a kind of ‘bar’ type thing in the rehearsal room and watching the rehearsal and chatting and I felt him slip his hand in mine – behind the bar so no-one could see. Someone came over to chat but I couldn’t hear – someone had turned the sound down on the world and all I was aware of was his hand in mine. Just for a minute, and then he let it go.

Things carried on as they had before for a few more months. My fiancé came home, and went again. We met every week at the amdram group and acted like friends - no more hand holding, but lots of smiles.

Then we directed a play with the youth group together, which meant that between us we took all the kids home after each performance. One performance evening one of the parents offered to help out with the transportation, which meant that I travelled in Jacob’s car, and after dropping off two kids we had one left, and us. My house was nearest, “I’ll drop you off first” said Jacob, “that’s okay, drop Nathan off first – it’s late” I replied with no idea of what I was doing. A pause. “Okay then”.

We talked in my kitchen, coffee went cold, I put music on (the song that became our song) and tried to make my freezing house a little warmer. We sat at opposite ends of the sofa, then moved closer, then hugged each other for what seemed a lifetime, neither knowing what to do but neither wanting to let go. Then we started giggling, and you can guess the rest…

My fiancé came back that weekend, and we ended it. No surprise to either of us. We had to stay together in the house because neither of us could afford to keep it on our own, but he went away for another long spell and Jacob and I were together openly for one blissful month. He said “I love you” and I said “I love you too”, we made youthful plans and talked excitedly about the future, but a month was all we had. My fiancé came back, we were living separate lives but together in the same house, he tried to persuade me to give it another go, but I was too young and inexperienced to know how to handle the situation – I told him “no” but couldn’t be mean, and that’s what it would’ve taken to stop him asking. Jacob couldn’t handle it, said he’d met someone else, and I remember as clearly as if it was yesterday, us sitting at the top of the stairs, both in tears, and me saying “I know I’ll never love anyone else this way – you’re it for me” – and I was right.

So that was it for the next few years – my ex-fiancé eventually moved out. Boyfriends came and went, Jacob’s girlfriends came and went, we remained friends – sometimes emotions spilling over into a quarrel when we’d fight like cat and dog and then not speak for weeks. I met someone and moved away, he moved abroad to work, and we kept in touch by occasional letter – sometimes old emotions spilling into the words.

He moved back to Britain and I got married. I remember us meeting for the first time for over 2 years about a month before my wedding. He asked me if I was happy and I said that yes, I was. Sometimes it’s easy to get being happy and having a comfortable and drama-free life mixed up and believe they’re the same thing. Jacob came to my wedding and, so I was told by a mutual friend, cried all the way home afterwards in the back of a car. It kills me that I didn't know what he was feeling and I wasn't there to comfort him. My husband was a wonderful man, we were comfortable together, but of course it was doomed. Over the next few years I got the occasional letter from Jacob and we even met once, but I was faithful to my husband and to our commitment together, so we remained good but very distant friends. Then, in 2000, Jacob and I spoke on the phone and got into a massive fight. I can’t even remember what it was about now, but it was serious enough for us to tell each other to go to Hell and mean it. I got rid of all the letters, photographs, deleted his address and phone number, got rid of any trace of him from my life. The anger carried me through a couple of years, my husband and I divorced, and eventually I met someone else – not THE ONE, but again, comfortable.

Time passed, and I wondered from time to time what had happened to him, if he was okay. Then last summer I watched a film double bill at my local arts cinema called ‘Before Sunrise’ and ‘Before Sunset’, and something just clicked in me. I got in touch with my old drama group and they told me he had got married and they hadn’t been in touch for ages, but they gave me his email address. Married… well that felt like a kick in the guts, so I thought best to leave it alone. But 2 months later I still couldn’t let it go, and I sent a very short and tentative message asking how he was and what he was doing. A reply almost straight away told me that he was now a teacher (so am I) and was divorced.

So in the last few months we’ve been writing a little and met for the first time in about 7 or 8 years, 16 years since we were together. It’s still the same, for both of us, as if the intervening 16 years never happened. We talked all evening, hugged goodbye, and he walked away… then turned around, came back, held me and kissed me on the cheek just like I’d done all those years ago. I’d already made the decision to move back if I could find a job – to be nearer to my elderly parents and closest friends – and had also already decided to end my relationship before Jacob and I even met again. He’s in a relationship too at the moment, one that is comfortable and easy, but wants me to be near him. He says it feels like fate to him, that all this has happened now of all times. I hope I can find a job there, I hope I can move back and find some peace at last, I hope that chain that links us and won’t let us quit each other will also guide us back to the place we’re meant to be.

Thanks for reading, it’s helped me to get it all out. BBM entered my life just when I needed it x
« Last Edit: May 19, 2006, 12:47:41 pm by saucycobblers »
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Offline Aussie Chris

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #72 on: May 22, 2006, 08:53:54 am »
Wow saucycobblers, what else can I say but wow.  How would you define your relationship with Jacob?  It's a very unusual situation isn't it?  Neither of you sound overly concerned about being apart or with other partners, as long as you know each other is there.  Do you love each other so much that it's too much to be together, and what could it possibly mean to be "too much in love"?
Nothing is as common as the wish to be remarkable - William Shakespeare

Offline ednbarby

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #73 on: May 22, 2006, 10:48:17 am »
Thanks for sharing your beautiful story, saucycobblers.  I can relate very well to that to a large extent.  I've been happily married for sixteen years, but my husband and I both know we are not the loves of each other's life.  But I don't think of either of us as having settled - we both are exactly what the other needed in the time and place in which we met, and we both still are.  I remember the day I met The One like it was yesterday.  I felt the lightning bolt the moment I looked into his eyes.  I felt a similar one the night I met my husband a year and a half later and looked into his.  In my husband's case, I remember consciously thinking, "I'm going to marry this man."  It wasn't a hope or a fantasy - it was just the recognition of a fact, like the way you recognize you've found a lifelong friend when you click with someone platonically.  I never thought that with the first one - somehow I knew that what we felt was almost too intense for that.  We never were friends.  Not truly.  The chemistry we had was primitive - animal.  Yet we couldn't stand each other as one person to another.  When you connect with someone both physically and cerebrally as you have with Jacob - that's a combination that just cannot be denied.  And I can totally understand how you can go for years apart and still feel that connection.

I count myself as extremely fortunate to have been struck by love's lightning not once but twice.  I know many are still waiting for that first one.

And now, away from my favorite subject - me - and back to you.  ;)  Welcome to The Club.  You're among friends here.
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Offline saucycobblers

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #74 on: May 22, 2006, 02:10:54 pm »
Thanks for your kind words, both of you. You have no idea how much of a comfort they are. I think I've always used film as a kind of therapy and had a particular film that's helped me through tough times. A few that I've watched obsessively at different points in my life are (and they're an eclectic bunch!) 'Saturday night Fever', 'Distant Voices, Still Lives', 'Bridges of Madison County' and, presently, BBM of course! I can feel a thread coming on...

Wow saucycobblers, what else can I say but wow.  How would you define your relationship with Jacob?  It's a very unusual situation isn't it?  Neither of you sound overly concerned about being apart or with other partners, as long as you know each other is there.  Do you love each other so much that it's too much to be together, and what could it possibly mean to be "too much in love"?

Oh Chris, my relationship with Jacob has been one long saga of Bad Timing - capital B, capital T. When I've been single he hasn't and vice versa. To my knowledge there hasn't been a single period when we've both been single! And a huge dollop of pride and stubbornness on both parts has got in the way more than once, and in the blink of an eye 16 years has gone - quite frightening really. I guess the best way to decribe it would be to say (sorry for the corniness  :-\) that when I'm with him it's like coming home - things just feel right in a way they don't with any other person. To use a fabulous Annie Proulx quote, "There were only the two of them on the mountain flying in the euphoric, bitter air, looking down on the hawk's back and the crawling lights of vehicles on the plain below, suspended above ordinary affairs and distant from tame ranch dogs barking in the dark hours. They believed themselves invisible". Wow, what a writer...
Will you stop playing with that radio of yours, I'm trying to get to sleep!

Offline ednbarby

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #75 on: May 22, 2006, 04:01:31 pm »
I *love* that passage, Saucy.  And I totally relate to that feeling of coming home.  Oddly enough, my very first serious boyfriend was the only one I've ever had that particular feeling with.  But I remember it well.  Ours was a problem of timing, too, I think.  We were both just way too young - I was 16 when we first started dating and 20 when we broke up - and had too much ahead of both of us to make a go of it.  Yet we came together after a two-year absense when we were 22 and 23, and it felt just like the way you describe.  I honestly think that if we were both free 10 or 20 or even 30 years from now and met up again, it'd still feel that way.  We could very well end up being the high school sweethearts who meet up again in old age and marry that you hear about from time to time.  Yet I can go for days and weeks at a time without even giving him a thought.  Hmmm...
No more beans!

Offline Brown Eyes

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #76 on: March 18, 2009, 06:41:39 pm »

Bumping this very old, classic thread for bump-fest. 8)

the world was asleep to our latent fuss - bowie

Marge_Innavera

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Re: Getting in Touch With Your Feelings About Brokeback Mountain
« Reply #77 on: March 22, 2009, 10:22:36 am »
I'm so glad you did -- that was such a moving story about Kyle and Mike.  Thank God the parents reconciled with their son; if they hadn't, their past with their son would have died as well (that's about as clear as I can make it....)