Dear Phillip and everyone who has written about feelings on Brokeback Mt....
I can tell you immediately that Brokeback Mountain has had and continues to have a deeper impact on my feelings and thinking than any other movie before it and I watch a lot of movies. I work in Korea and already have to deal with being alone and sometimes lonely because I am overseas, so I get the blues from time to time like anyone, but I can usually deal with it.
I saw a trailer or two before the movie arrived here in March and was excited and eager to see it. Before I saw it on the big screen, there were pirated copies of the DVD on the streets of Seoul. I got one. I watched it in the privacy of my apartment. I was not, like so many of us, prepared for what I would see and feel.
I am a writer and teacher, so I'm keenly aware of plot and images on the screen, in poetry etc... I was intensely aware of the deep loneliness of both Ennis and Jack hidden behind all the tough looks and leather, the "manly" posturing that is suppose to say, "I'm too hard and strong for feeling of tenderness, for intimacy. I'm too "manly" for all that "sissy" stuff"
Jack and Ennis, genuine cowboys that they are, are that type of guy. But all men, all human beings have a need for tender care and intimacy and a lack of it can lead to hollow lives and even poor health. So, I saw their need of human contact and love and watched them slowly bond with each other even if against their cowboy grain.
Their first love scene was so awkward, nearly brutal, that it had little effect on me except to say, "Wow, they sure needed that!" The second scene, when Ennis willingly comes to Jack in the tent and Jack draws him gently to him with kisses and then pulls him down to his chest, well, that's when I cried the first time. My own needs at the moment are real; I am lonely here at the moment, so watching them open up to each other worked to open my own heart and mind to a great sadness, an awareness that my own solitude had gone on too long and I needed to change it... But I was powerless to do anything but truly and deeply feel where I am right now in my life. So, I cried, but not for too long. Heartache stayed with me from that point onward.
I was enthralled by the rest of the movie. I felt Ennis and Jack in me, could identify with both, but for me, I am personally closer in mind and heart to Jack. The thing that got to me was Jack's frustration at Ennis's inability to love him openly and exclusively.
The final scene of Jack and Ennis together, where they argue over "Never enough time" broke feelings open in me that I hadn't felt in years: despair, fear, emptiness, unfulfilled longing and desire for a solid friendship with a lover... the anger and unhappiness mixed with all the love, loyalty and trust was too much for Ennis..."Jack, I just can't take this anymore." I thought that would be the height of emotion in the movie and yes, I wept again, more than before.
When Ennis 's postcard is returned with the word "DECEASED" on it, I went numb.
I couldn't believe what had happened, but then reality shoved its way in and I realized Jack was dead. Whether murdered, as Ennis's thinks, or by an accident, is unclear and readers/viewers are left to wonder, which was intentional or so said Annie Proulx in an interview I have since read. Jack's death was almost unbearable.
As I watched Ennis try to find out how and why and when Jack died and then talk with Jack's folks, my feelings sunk deeper. Ennis's devastation is so clea, his loss so great and then to have Jack's father treat him in such a cruel, hateful way. Thank goodness for Jack's mother. She was at least kind to him.
Seeing Ennis enter Jack's room it seemed Jack's entire house was barren but for the grim sadness that filled it. When Ennis finds the shirts, placed as if the two are one, his blood on both shirts signifying a bond of "blood brothers blood lovers", I cried, but then Ennis, pressing the shirts too his face, inhaling as if to smell some scent of Jack, to hold some last part of Jack close to him, well at that point, I came unglued.
I had to stop the film. I sobbed and wept like a beaten child, a man whipped by a cruel reality. I hadn't cried that way in years, but I knew why at least. You see, I lost a lover many years ago to an illness, not HIV, but I loss him and for months after he was gone, I would go to the closet and take a sweater or shirt of his out and put it to my face and inhale the scent of him because I missed him that much. And so, that loss all came rushing back from 20 years ago and it felt as painful as it had when it first happened.
I watched the rest of the movie. I saw it on the big screen and cried again (less intensely but I cried). I watched it on DVD again and the same emotions were there, but after some time, I said, wait! What is it that you need now? Why are you so sad? What is it you need to be at least somewhat happier? And I realized the message of Brokeback Mountain is that we all need Love in our lives, we all need tenderness and friendship and intimacy and life is too short not to have it!
So, I have begun to take action, to do things to change my situation. I contacted an old lover who I knew was in another city and reach out to him. We never stopped being friends, but the romance ended some years ago. He was delighted to hear from me. We have renewed our friendship and I'm visiting him more now. It's not going to be a romantic bond, but the friendship is better than before. I know he cares; he knows he's got me for a friend still too.
This is good. I also decided to find better employment closer to a larger city where I can maybe meet other men and have a date (imagine that?!). I have lived in this small town where I am now so I could write and work and I have done a lot, written two books, gained good solid experience at my job teaching English. I am ready for a promotion, a self promotion to a job where I can make more money and have a social life for goodness sake! I deserve it, but I 'm not sure I would have realized it so soon if I had not seen Brokeback Mt. Had the feelings in me not been woken up and felt, I might still be in the denial that I was in but wasn't aware of... For this, I am thankful to Annie Proulx for writing the story and to all who made the movie. I have read it in book form now too. It's a wonder to read. I'm reading more of Annie's stories now.
I did have "Brokeback Flu" for a while, it's true, but there is a time to heal and look to the future. I hope all who have such reactions can do the same and I look to you for support and help too. I'm here for you. Thank you Phillip for this forum and for the great music on Brokeback Mountain Radio station too.
Peace,
Rayn
