Your Funeral

[Kerry]

Your funeral. An unlikely and inappropriate thread for us happy folk here at Bettermost, you may think? And yet, it comes to us all, one day; death. It's part of the human condition. It is an integral aspect of what makes us people - "Bettermost People."

Some people plan their funerals in minute detail. Others figure they won't be here anyway, so why not just leave it to the family to organise.

I personally believe that funerals are for the living, not the dead. It's an opportunity for the living to formally farewell their loved ones and attain closure.

A lot of us give thought to the kind of funeral we feel would be appropriate for us. Be it the pomp and solemnity of a Roman Catholic Requiem Mass or a New Age scattering of ashes onto the waters of the ocean at dusk.

Would your funeral be a traditional event with everyone dressed in black in a traditional place of worship, such as a grand cathedral? Or would you prefer to have a joyous celebration of life, where all your loved ones come together to laugh and remember all their happy memories of you?

What form would you like your funeral to take? I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

[Katie77]

Holy shit Kerry........this one is heavy......

[David In Indy]

When Mom died, we had the funeral at the church. It was a very typical Roman Catholic Funeral Mass - white pall over the casket, incense, the whole nine yards. Since Mom wished to be cremated, we rented the casket. But here in the US they require the deceased to be placed in some sort of container for the cremation, so she was transfered into a simple wooden coffin at the crematory after the funeral was over and that is what she was cremated in. Several days later we took her ashes to Crown Hill Cemetery and interred them in a mausoleum. Dad's ashes will be placed in the vault next to her after he passes away. He also wishes to be cremated. So Mom's funeral was quite traditional and I suppose Dad's will be as well.

I like the idea of a traditional Catholic funeral also, so I guess I'd also like a Funeral Mass with some sort of party afterwards. Not one of those typical get togethers where everyone snacks on tiny sandwiches and cries, but an actual party. Maybe a pool party or something. They could maybe talk about me and have a few good laughs at my expense. I'd like that!

[CellarDweller]

I never really thought about it, but I would want something simple.

One day memorial service, and have my ashes scattered on a mountain somewhere.

[Katie77]

What I have found about funerals, is that they end up being more of a reunion, because people who havent seen one another for a long time, turn up at them. The sad thing about that is that the person who connects all these people, is not there to enjoy the reunion as well.

[CellarDweller]

What I have found about funerals, is that they end up being more of a reunion, because people who havent seen one another for a long time, turn up at them. The sad thing about that is that the person who connects all these people, is not there to enjoy the reunion as well.

and they all say the same thing!  "It's a shame it took something like this for us all to get back together again."

[Katie77]

When Ive been to a funeral, I often feel that protocol and tradition take over what it is really all about. Like  when everyone goes into the church, and then the principal mourners are walked up the aisle like they are on display as all eyes are upon them.

And then to have a member of the clergy, who nine times out of ten does not even know the person who has died, just makes it very impersonal.

I do like the idea of playing music that relates to the person, I think that brings their presence more to the occassion, and thoughts of good times often bring a smile, or some tears, but they are usually good feeling tears.

And I dont think people should dress up in clothes that the dead person, would probably not recognise them in anyway. I like the way, the young ones wear jeans and black is not necessarily the colour of the day.

[injest]

When Mom died, we had the funeral at the church. It was a very typical Roman Catholic Funeral Mass - white pall over the casket, incense, the whole nine yards. Since Mom wished to be cremated, we rented the casket. But here in the US they require the deceased to be placed in some sort of container for the cremation, so she was transfered into a simple wooden coffin at the crematory after the funeral was over and that is what she was cremated in. Several days later we took her ashes to Crown Hill Cemetery and interred them in a mausoleum. Dad's ashes will be placed in the vault next to her after he passes away. He also wishes to be cremated. So Mom's funeral was quite traditional and I suppose Dad's will be as well.

I like the idea of a traditional Catholic funeral also, so I guess I'd also like a Funeral Mass with some sort of party afterwards. Not one of those typical get togethers where everyone snacks on tiny sandwiches and cries, but an actual party. Maybe a pool party or something. They could maybe talk about me and have a few good laughs at my expense. I'd like that!

not at your expense at all. just wait..you will be up there in Heaven and hear all your friends crying and giggling....(crying because they will miss you and giggling about God having to put rails around the clouds cause you are prone to falling and that is a LOOONNNNGG drop!)


at least til you get used to the wings...

 

[injest]

When Ive been to a funeral, I often feel that protocol and tradition take over what it is really all about. Like  when everyone goes into the church, and then the principal mourners are walked up the aisle like they are on display as all eyes are upon them.

And then to have a member of the clergy, who nine times out of ten does not even know the person who has died, just makes it very impersonal.

I do like the idea of playing music that relates to the person, I think that brings their presence more to the occassion, and thoughts of good times often bring a smile, or some tears, but they are usually good feeling tears.

And I dont think people should dress up in clothes that the dead person, would probably not recognise them in anyway. I like the way, the young ones wear jeans and black is not necessarily the colour of the day.

at my aunts funeral the preacher said that she was a whore and good thing she turned to God that last year...

 

[Artiste]

Injest, was that really said by him?

[Katie77]

at my aunts funeral the preacher said that she was a whore and good thing she turned to God that last year...

 

Was she?....and did she?

[injest]

Injest, was that really said by him?

yes

[injest]

Was she?....and did she?

no and yes....she had two husbands die and got a divorce...other than that she was a kind and giving woman....she just didn't go to their church...that made her a whore...(that and getting a divorce)

[Katie77]

When my Dad died, the service and burial were all to be held at the cemetry.

Everyone arrived, as well as the hearse, only to find that the council had not dug the grave. So we all moved down the hill and stood under a tree while the council workers brought the digger in. .....It was not very pleasant.

[Katie77]

no and yes....she had two husbands die and got a divorce...other than that she was a kind and giving woman....she just didn't go to their church...that made her a whore...(that and getting a divorce)

What a terrible thing to say.

[Artiste]

Merci injest!

I believe you, but it sounds so unplaussible!

It is like some of my true life stories; one example, when the foreign doctor refused to take care of my buddy  in the hospital: he called him: A FIVE DOLLAR PIG !


I still can not talk about it to-day, since when I do, nobody beleives me !

You understand my nervousness to talk about that dire time?


Au revoir,
hugs!

[David In Indy]

not at your expense at all. just wait..you will be up there in Heaven and hear all your friends crying and giggling....(crying because they will miss you and giggling about God having to put rails around the clouds cause you are prone to falling and that is a LOOONNNNGG drop!)

at least til you get used to the wings...

 

Yup! I can hear them saying something like that. And I can see ME actually doing it too!

[David In Indy]

at my aunts funeral the preacher said that she was a whore and good thing she turned to God that last year...

 

That is a horrible and disgusting thing to say about someone, deceased or alive!

[David In Indy]

When my Dad died, the service and burial were all to be held at the cemetry.

Everyone arrived, as well as the hearse, only to find that the council had not dug the grave. So we all moved down the hill and stood under a tree while the council workers brought the digger in. .....It was not very pleasant.

Oh God Sue! That must have been terrible for you all!

[Katie77]

Oh God Sue! That must have been terrible for you all!

Yeah, Ive had better days.....

[David In Indy]

Yeah, Ive had better days.....

We buried my Mom on my birthday. That was the shits for me. My birthdays haven't felt the same since then.

[Katie77]

We buried my Mom on my birthday. That was the shits for me. My birthdays haven't felt the same since then.

Thats a bummer David....I know the feeling....my dear sister was buried on my 2nd wedding anniversary...

[Artiste]

Merci David!

That is sad story!

HUGS to you,
keep care !

[Kerry]

I want as little fuss as possible. I have been a back-room boy all my life, shunning the limelight, so I wouldn't want to be the centre of attention after my death.

I will be cremated privately, which will be arranged by the undertakers, with no-one present and no ceremony. I would hate to put my loved ones through the terrible ordeal of sitting in a cremation chapel and watching my coffin slide towards the flames. Too distressing for them.

I have nominated my executor to scatter my ashes onto the waters of the Pacific Ocean at Long Reef on Sydney's Northern Beaches, close to where I grew-up and where I lived as a young man with my dearest George.

Long Reef

I would like this to happen at dusk on a full moon night, just as the moon is emerging from the ocean.

As my ashes are being scattered onto the waters, to be taken out to sea by the outgoing tide, I would like someone to read aloud these beautiful words by Kahlil Gibran:

Then Almitra spoke, saying,
We would ask now of Death.

And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it
Unless you seek it in the heart of life?

The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day
Cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the mystery of death,
Open your eyes wide unto the body of life.

In the depth of your hopes and desires
Lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow
Your heart dreams of spring.

Trust your dreams,
For in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd
When he stands before the king
Whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling,
That he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die
But to stand naked in the wind
And to melt into the sun?

And what is it to cease breathing,
But to free the breath from its restless tides,
That it may rise and expand
And seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the rivre of silence
Shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top,
Then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs,
Then shall you truly dance.

And then I'd like everyone to cast a flower onto the waters, to accompany me on my journey. After that, it would be nice for a bottle of wine to be opened.

I personally see death as a beginning, not an end. Or more correctly, it is a transition. Just as birth is a transition, so too is death.

"After your death, you become what you were, before you were born."

[Kerry]

at my aunts funeral the preacher said that she was a whore and good thing she turned to God that last year...

 

Oh, Jess, that is absolutely terrible. What a very distressing thing to happen. Another good reason why I don't want any of that fire and brimstone crowd anywhere near me - in life or in death.

[Kerry]

Merci injest!

I believe you, but it sounds so unplaussible!

It is like some of my true life stories; one example, when the foreign doctor refused to take care of my buddy  in the hospital: he called him: A FIVE DOLLAR PIG !


I still can not talk about it to-day, since when I do, nobody beleives me !

You understand my nervousness to talk about that dire time?


Au revoir,
hugs!

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Artiste.

[Kerry]

When my Dad died, the service and burial were all to be held at the cemetry.

Everyone arrived, as well as the hearse, only to find that the council had not dug the grave. So we all moved down the hill and stood under a tree while the council workers brought the digger in. .....It was not very pleasant.

Gosh, Sue, I don't think I would have been able to cope, if that would have happened at my Mum or Dad's funerals. Very distressing.

[Katie77]

Gosh, Sue, I don't think I would have been able to cope, if that would have happened at my Mum or Dad's funerals. Very distressing.

You know Kerry, I was only in my 30's then and funnily enough I coped pretty good. Only days before I had learnt that my dad committed suicide, so the graveside thing was fairly secondary.

This all happened in Laurieton, northern NSW. I dont think it would have happened in Sydney.

[Katie77]

Sounds like a peaceful and dignified farewell you have planned there Kerry. And beautiful words....

I have always liked the 23rd Psalm.....The Lord is my Shepherd

[Kerry]

We buried my Mom on my birthday. That was the shits for me. My birthdays haven't felt the same since then.

That must have been such a terribly sad day for you, David.

   {{{ David }}}  

I had my 41st birthday, about a week before my Mum died. She had been in extreme pain and was highly medicated on morphine for the last couple of weeks of her life. I was Mum's youngest son and we were always very close. Mum and Dad had always made a fuss of me on my birthday. I remember sitting beside Mum's bed, holding her hand and saying, "It's my birthday today, Mum." She just looked at me blankly, her morphine-doped eyes gazing into mine, as if to say "Who are you?"

[David In Indy]

That sounds like a beautiful funeral Kerry. I like the words to the poem too. The whole thing seems very beautiful and peaceful to me.

[David In Indy]

That must have been such a terribly sad day for you, David.

   {{{ David }}}  

I had my 41st birthday, about a week before my Mum died. She had been in extreme pain and was highly medicated on morphine for the last couple of weeks of her life. I was Mum's youngest son and we were always very close. Mum and Dad had always made a fuss of me on my birthday. I remember sitting beside Mum's bed, holding her hand and saying, "It's my birthday today, Mum." She just looked at me blankly, her morphine-doped eyes gazing into mine, as if to say "Who are you?"

Oh God Kerry, I had a similar experience. Mom was staying at home up until about three weeks before she died. The day we took her to the hospital for the final time, I came over to cook some lunch for her. Dad wanted to play golf. I remember what she had for lunch too. She said she wasn't hungry but I wanted her to eat something so I heated up a slice of pizza and a fish stick. When I checked on her later on she was nearly unresponsive. Dad had just arrived back home and we called the doctor and he told us to get her to the hospital. We sat her up in bed, she had wet herself and as I was dressing her she kept looking up at me with a very confused look on her face, one of those "Who are you?" looks. She was very frightened and confused but she never said anything. She just kept looking up at me with that confused look on her face. I'll never forget it. A few days later at the hospital she appeared to be getting a little better but she had leukemia so we knew it really wasn't true. But she was talking with us again and fairly alert. I had a really nice visit with her a couple of days before she died. She thought she was in a hotel, and she thought the hallway was a street. The next day she dropped into a coma and she died the following day.

She died on September 22 2003 at 10:35 in the morning, and the funeral was held on September 25, 2003 at 10:30 am. This will be the 5th anniversary of her death.

 

[Katie77]

You know where to come David if you need a hug........{{david}}

[Kerry]

Oh God Kerry, I had a similar experience. Mom was staying at home up until about three weeks before she died. The day we took her to the hospital for the final time, I came over to cook some lunch for her. Dad wanted to play golf. I remember what she had for lunch too. She said she wasn't hungry but I wanted her to eat something so I heated up a slice of pizza and a fish stick. When I checked on her later on she was nearly unresponsive. Dad had just arrived back home and we called the doctor and he told us to get her to the hospital. We sat her up in bed, she had wet herself and as I was dressing her she kept looking up at me with a very confused look on her face, one of those "Who are you?" looks. She was very frightened and confused but she never said anything. She just kept looking up at me with that confused look on her face. I'll never forget it. A few days later at the hospital she appeared to be getting a little better but she had leukemia so we knew it really wasn't true. But she was talking with us again and fairly alert. I had a really nice visit with her a couple of days before she died. She thought she was in a hotel, and she thought the hallway was a street. The next day she dropped into a coma and she died the following day.

She died on September 22 2003 at 10:35 in the morning, and the funeral was held on September 25, 2003 at 10:30 am. This will be the 5th anniversary of her death.

My thoughts and loving support will be especially with you on the 22nd, my dear friend.      

[CellarDweller]

I do like the idea of playing music that relates to the person, I think that brings their presence more to the occassion, and thoughts of good times often bring a smile, or some tears, but they are usually good feeling tears.

LMAO!  That means at my funeral, people will be hearing 70s disco, freestyle, and Madonna!   

[CellarDweller]

maybe instead of having my hands laid upon my chest, or at my sides, they can be placed by my face, so it looks like I'm vogueing.


 

[CellarDweller]

I'm so sorry that so many of you have had such sad experiences, and horrible things said about loved ones.

[Kelda]

  to all,

And David, I'll eb thinking of you in the next few weeks,

[Artiste]

Hugs to you David and to your mother (who is now in heaven) !!

[keller]

My first funeral was my twins, when she died at 20. She had told her friends (yes, they discussed it) that she wanted bright colors and sure enough that's what she got. I didn't know and I wore a purple color. Hers was very formal.

Both my parents were scattered at sea.

I want an informal funeral. People just sharing stories and connecting. Nobody worrying about what to wear, no church, since I'm pagan. That's the wake part. For the actual burial, burn me up and scatter my ashes in the forest, preferably near a stream. That way whenever someone sees a tree or is in a woods, they can think of me.

Although I don't expect a  lot of folks to show up for my funeral. My kids. My siblings maybe...

[keller]

What I have found about funerals, is that they end up being more of a reunion, because people who havent seen one another for a long time, turn up at them. The sad thing about that is that the person who connects all these people, is not there to enjoy the reunion as well.

My mom was sick for five years with cancer. Her family never visited her when she was alive because they were afraid to fly. My dad was really mad that they showed up for the funeral. Far better to visit her alive than her in a coffin.

[Kerry]

My mom was sick for five years with cancer. Her family never visited her when she was alive because they were afraid to fly. My dad was really mad that they showed up for the funeral. Far better to visit her alive than her in a coffin.

I agree. I wish my brothers had been more attentive while Mum was alive.

[Kelda]

 

[BlissC]

My one of my grandad's last wishes was that as he wanted to be cremated, he wanted the music "The Stripper" playing as the coffin went through the curtains. I thought it was a great idea. It was just *so* my grandad. He had a wicked sense of humour, and it would have been very fitting for him. It caused a huge family row and a lot of the family said we couldn't possibly do it as it would offend a lot of the people there. There was a compromise in the end, and it was agreed that we wouldn't do it at the crematorium, but we'd play it at the wake afterwards. My uncle did the speak, and ended with "...and thanks for coming!" That was always my grandad's parting shot. Even when he was really ill not long before he died, he'd say (usually when you were in mid-sentence talking about something), "well, thanks for coming", and you knew that meant he'd had enough of you and it was time to go. Of course everyone who knew him well, knew that and laughed (those who didn't just looked bewildered as to why everyone else was laughing), and then my other uncle pressed "play" on the pre-cued recording of "The Stripper" we'd got ready. Again, most people knew why we were playing that, and everyone toasted him.

That would be pretty cool (though I'd have to insist that they did it at the funeral and not afterwards, otherwise I'd go back and haunt them  )

A couple of years ago when my aunty died, she'd made very detailed plans for exactly what she wanted for her funeral, down to the hymns, the readings and everything, and it was followed to the letter. She had oesophogeal cancer and before she got too ill, she started a note-book with detailed notes on exactly what she wanted for the funeral etc. and who was to get what of her possessions, and various notes on who to invite, who to get to cater the wake - everything, and she made notes for my cousin on everything that would need to be cancelled and other things that would need sorting out and people who needed to be notified when she died. Apart from her plans for the funeral her other wish was that the line-dancing class that she went to would do a dance at the wake afterwards, so mid-way through the wake they all got up (and of course had taken along their boots for the occasion) and did the dance. My mum joined in as although we live at opposite ends of the country, she goes to a local line-dancing class and knew the dance they were doing (my aunty had specified that as well). If I remember rightly it was an Eva Cassidy song, "Fields of Gold" (or it may have been "Silver Threads and Golden Needles") but I do remember it was a dance called 'Black Coffee' as that was always my aunty's favourite.

That would be pretty cool too. Hmmm...given the fact my mum will regular come into my 'office' and comment "Oohh! I think I can do a line dance to this!" to whatever I happen to be playing at the time, I'm sure I could find a suitable Faithless song for line dancing to!

 

[Kerry]

I've mentioned this elsewhere, here, but it's probably worth briefly raising again.

I knew an elderly lady (over 100) who, though English, had been a believing, practicing Buddhist most of her adult life (for over 80 years). She had been an academic in her working life and Buddhism was always an integral aspect of who/what she was. It permeated every aspect of her life, right down to the way her home was decorated. We don't consider this to be so unusual these days, but it must have appeared quite unusual in England in the 1920s.

She was fit as a fiddle and in full control of her faculties right up to the end, and had always insisted that she wanted a Buddhist funeral. Alas, both her daughters, aged in their 80s at the time, wanted an Anglican (Church of England) funeral service for their mother, and went about making the appropriate plans.

A mutual friend, who had been very close to the deceased for many years, had to do a lot of fast talking to convince the daughters that their mother would be appalled to have an Anglican priest saying Christian prayers over her. They didn't like the idea but finally saw sense and called in the monk to give their mother the Buddhist funeral she so desired.

[BlissC]

That's interesting. A friend of mine's dad died about 5 years ago now, very suddenly. She was at work when she heard (we worked in the same department) and she just dashed off when she got the phone call, but called me a couple of hours later to ask me to let her manager know why she'd disappeared and what was happening. I remember phoning her just before the funeral and she was saying she was really nervous because her dad was a humanist (I'd no idea what that even was until I looked it up - here) and he'd said he wanted a humanist funeral. Of course a lot of the family wanted the full church funeral and everything, but his wife and daughter, my friend stuck to their guns and said they were going to do it the way he'd wanted. Afterwards though she said it had been really nice, and not like the typical funeral service at all, and she was glad they'd done what her dad wanted.

Last year I went to two funerals. The first was that of a close friend who'd had breast cancer. It was particularly difficult because my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 years ago, and my mum and I actually met Andrea at one of my mum's hospital appointments. It ended up with a whole gang of us who we met up with at the hospital originally meeting up every Friday morning for coffee, and those of us left still carry on the tradition, though sadly three of the group have died over the past couple of years. Andrea's funeral though particularly upset me because she was never religious at all - hated religion! (I agree with her on that one!) Her husband though insisted on having the full religious ceremony, and I was doing quite well at the funeral though I was off work ill at the time and feeling pretty crap anyway, until they started on with the readings, and there was one particular one where it was something about god talking her under his wing and caring for her for all eternity, and it was at that point I just lost it. She would have hated that. She didn't believe in anything like that, and I just felt it was so wrong. I was upset because she'd died, but at the time I was also very angry that they'd gone completely against her wishes, and it felt like betraying her.

Later in the year when my grandma died, similarly it was the full religious ceremony, but in her case, she did believe in all that. She would have loved it! Though I knew she believed, I never have done, but if anything it made me feel worse. I guess it was mainly the fact that she'd been seriously ill for a long time, and ended up living with us until the day she died, and it really wasn't a good way to go. The night she died, I had nightmares though about these winged creatures, and though I've never believed in anything like that, I just got the sense that she wasn't at rest. The religion of the funeral just brought all that back.

I guess it's in a way a tricky question of who a funeral's for - whether it's for the person who's died, or for those who are left behind. Some people see it as a celebration of the person's life, others as mourning of their passing. I guess there's no easy answer - funerals are rarely pleasant events, and always highly emotionally charged.

[ZK]

My Dad passed away a few years ago. Full Requiem Mass, my Brothers both spoke about Dad, I knew I wouldn't be able to, so I elected to play my flute..

As for my own, full Mass for me, however  music has been an extremely important part of my life so as it will be my last chance for people to know who I really was, I have quite a selection of music I want played. I also want to be buried with all my favourite things in life (books etc) hey I might only be 5'4" but my coffin better be big enough for all the stuff I want to take with me

[Kelda]

I also want to be buried with all my favourite things in life (books etc) hey I might only be 5'4" but my coffin better be big enough for all the stuff I want to take with me

 

[Artiste]

I have been thinking a lot about this lately:
         
Your funeral. An unlikely and inappropriate thread for us happy folk here at Bettermost, you may think? And yet, it comes to us all, one day; death. It's part of the human condition. It is an integral aspect of what makes us people - "Bettermost People."

Some people plan their funerals in minute detail. Others figure they won't be here anyway, so why not just leave it to the family to organise.

I personally believe that funerals are for the living, not the dead. It's an opportunity for the living to formally farewell their loved ones and attain closure.

A lot of us give thought to the kind of funeral we feel would be appropriate for us. Be it the pomp and solemnity of a Roman Catholic Requiem Mass or a New Age scattering of ashes onto the waters of the ocean at dusk.

Would your funeral be a traditional event with everyone dressed in black in a traditional place of worship, such as a grand cathedral? Or would you prefer to have a joyous celebration of life, where all your loved ones come together to laugh and remember all their happy memories of you?

What form would you like your funeral to take? I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

                         
.................

You do pose a good question!!

Indeed, because this has happenned to me lately since my brother was dying and did past away!
And I still wonder about the above!