Author Topic: Parents and children  (Read 11059 times)

Offline delalluvia

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #20 on: August 25, 2006, 01:09:42 am »
Of course she would wth an addictive mother.

So needless to say, staying at home with the kids isn't the important part.

Offline jpwagoneer1964

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #21 on: August 25, 2006, 01:20:32 am »
So needless to say, staying at home with the kids isn't the important part.
It is if the parent are matures and ready to take on raising children. Child who know they come first before careers, status, will have a much higher self esteem. When dumped of at  day care or left to a nanny they cam't help but feel unimportant.
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Offline serious crayons

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #22 on: August 25, 2006, 01:44:27 am »
It is if the parent are matures and ready to take on raising children. Child who know they come first before careers, status, will have a much higher self esteem. When dumped of at  day care or left to a nanny they cam't help but feel unimportant.

It's quite possible to help kids feel important even if they attend a daycare program based on how you interact when you get home (for the record, my own kids never attended daycare more than 15 to 20 hours a week, but I am a strong believer that many caregiving arrangements are just fine).

In any case, kids are surprisingly resillient, and many of the differences between small children are a result of how they're hardwired. The reason studies don't support your self-esteem contention (there is no reliable study that I know of correlating self-esteem levels with caregiver arrangements) is that it's perfectly possible for kids in daycare to have high self esteem and kids with at-home parents to have low self-esteem. For that matter, I'm sure there are even some kids with at-home moms who pop valiums and drink martinis all day who have high self-esteem (the kids, I mean; not necessarily the moms), and some kids whose moms and dads sit on the floor playing Candyland with them all day who have low self-esteem.

One prominent developmental psychologist put it this way (going from memory): "Don't lock your kid in a closet, don't hit him with a frying pan, and he should turn out OK." Or something to that effect. The point being, kids who are raised in reasonably normal and healthy environments by loving, caring, conscientious parents will be just fine. Or they won't. But the difference won't be a matter of whether they were placed in daycare programs or not.

Offline Momof2

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #23 on: August 25, 2006, 09:14:57 am »
I came from a really screwed up family.  Department of Human Services would have probably removed us if they did that kind of thing back then.  I have 2 sisters and 1 brother.  My oldest sister died and my little brother is an alcoholic.  My other sister has her share of problems, but for the most part is ok.  I think I turned out rather well.  It made me a stronger person.  I did have a lot of self esteem issues while younger.  I graduated from college in the top of my class, I have a wonderful job.  I am married to an unbelievable man and have to 2 children that other than being spoiled are doing fine.  I do think alot of it is how you are raised but alot of it is inside of you.  I am very assertive and strong willed.  My daughter is just like me. 

On the other hand, my best friend in high school was the daughter of a Baptist preacher.  Her and her 7 brothers and sisters were wild.  Drugs, sex whatever.  She has been  married two times and had 2 abortions while in high school.  Her mother stayed at home with them and her father worked for God.  I mean if they were screwed up it just goes to show it really does not matter if you go to daycare or stay home.  Any one can be screwed up.  My kids went to daycare until they started school and I think it was a wonderful experience for them.  Neither one wanted to go home when I got there and they were further ahead in Kindergarten than most of their classmates.

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Offline ednbarby

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #24 on: August 25, 2006, 09:33:51 am »
I agree, Momof2.

I don't think it's all black or white, stay at home or day care, breast feed or formula feed, spank or not spank.  I don't think one is all right and one is all wrong.  As a parent, you have to do what's best for you and your child.  I stayed at home for the first three years of my son's life.  I started going back to work part-time when he started going to preschool.  That was a perfect blend - the best of both worlds - Nirvana.  But of course all good things must come to an end - the company offered me a full-time position.  I knew they were going to be phasing out contracting work eventually, and I love the company and the job.  So after talking it over with my husband (who was all for it, by the way) and giving it a good deal of thought, I took it.  I'm fortunate enough not to truly need a second income to make ends meet.  We wanted to have extra money not to buy nicer cars and go on nicer vacations (our cars were bought used and are fully paid-for, and we'll drive them until they die, and we haven't been on a real vacation together in years), but so we could pay for private school if needed and a good college for our son.  People, all women, have actually said to me "Why are you going back to work when you don't have to?"  My answer is "Actually, I do have to.  There are other reasons for needing to work that aren't entirely financial."

My son is 4 1/2 and goes to preschool from 9 to 5 five days a week.  When my husband's home from trips, he picks him up at 3:00 (at the end of the actual school day) and spends the afternoons with him.  On weekends, we spend every waking moment with him.  We rarely get sitters and go out because we'd rather stay home and spend more time with him in the evenings.  Isn't it better to have parents who are happy to be with you when they're with you and who pay attention to you and enjoy you than ones who are with you all day every day and up to their ears in you and always looking for ways to avoid dealing with you any more than they have to?  Of course there are stay at home parents who give their kids as much quality time as possible.  But I'm just saying it's possible to do that when you're not always with them, too.  And sometimes it's better that way for everyone.  And please don't say, "Well, if you didn't want to be with your kid 24/7, you shouldn't have had one."  That's crap.  I don't care who you are - NO ONE wants to be with ANYONE 24/7.  Not day in, day out, year in, year out.  If you do, I think you need to start looking at whether you're a tremendous parent or co-dependent.
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Offline nakymaton

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #25 on: August 25, 2006, 10:30:27 am »
I've called guys on the "careers shouldn't come first" thing. (One of them was essentially proposing to me at the time.) When I asked if they would stay home with kids, they had all kinds of excuses, but the answer was always no. (And the guy who was proposing didn't even know what he wanted to do for a career, while I did. I said "no" to the marriage proposal. Best damn decision I've ever made.)

My work isn't a job. It's a calling. And if I completely quit my job, I would never be able to go back to what I do; that's the way my profession works. (Yes, that is a problem with my profession. But it's only something that can be changed from within, I think.) I negotiated a year's leave (which was very unusual; I took a big risk by even suggesting it) to stay home with my son. But his daycare is a great place -- he gets to be with other kids, coloring and painting and dancing and singing songs and dressing up in lion costumes and watching bugs and playing in a sandbox.

I refuse to feel guilty for being a mother, or for doing the work that I love. I'm glad to hear that developmental psychologists seem to agree with my own perceptions, but if they didn't... well, I would be annoyed that so few men that I have known are willing to accept their share of the guilt. (I mean, I know more straight men who love Brokeback Mountain than I know stay-at-home dads. Like, four or five times as many.)
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Offline Momof2

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #26 on: August 25, 2006, 11:04:03 am »
 (I mean, I know more straight men who love Brokeback Mountain than I know stay-at-home dads. Like, four or five times as many.)
[/quote]

That  is so funny.  And sad.  My husband is a firefighter and when we had our daughter (our 1st child) he kept her the days he was off.  I was a little surprized at first.  Then all the women I worked with were telling me how lucky I was that I had a good husband.  I thought, No, how lucky my daughter is that she has a daddy that loves her and wants to spend time with her and care for her needs.  When our son was born he did the same.  He keeps them during the summer when he is off.  It is wonderful for the three of them.  The only drawback is that my son misses his friends and WANTS to go to school. 

It is sad that a lot of men do not see it as part of their responsibilties.  Then on the other hand I know men that are the "caregivers" for their children because their wives do not care to do it.  It goes both ways.  It does not really matter which parent or type of parent (straight, gay, step) as long as they love the child and have their best interest at heart.

One of our male friends made the comment to my husband about "babysitting" our kids.  I told him, "You do not babysit your own children you idiot.  It is called being a parent.  I said something to his wife about it and she said that they were jealous that my husband kept our kids.  I said, "He does not do it for me, he does it because he loves his kids and enjoys being a part of their lives." 
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Offline ednbarby

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #27 on: August 25, 2006, 12:33:08 pm »
My husband gets that a lot.  He's home about half the time (he's an airline pilot).  When he's home, he pretty much takes care of our son most of the time, whether I'm working those days or not.  People will call him "Mr. Mom."  Lately, when someone calls him that, he says, "Mr. Dad, actually."
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Offline Momof2

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #28 on: August 25, 2006, 12:36:27 pm »
Great response. 
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Offline Katie77

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Re: Parents and children
« Reply #29 on: August 25, 2006, 10:26:31 pm »
After reading most of the posts on here, the one thing that stands out the most about being a good parent is giving the child plenty of attention....

My two sons are 32 and 35, and now parents themselves.....

They grew up in a stable family, we both worked, but every other waking moment was spent with our boys...

When they got to their teens, they started using drugs, marihuana, started bucking socieity, started doing things that we were not very proud of and disappointed in them for doing....

When all this began, me and my husband started to question our way of parenting...what did we do wrong, were we bad parents, didnt we do something right?????.....so as well as dealing with the problems the kids were throwing at themselves and us, we were also dealing with our guilt that we were not good parents.

After a couple of years of this, along with councelling and talking to others in the same situation, we finally said....."NO.....WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE THE BLAME ANYMORE FOR WHAT OUR KIDS ARE DOING".....We had done our best, we had set a good example, and we had shown be example what we expected as a family unit.

Once we thought this way, we found it easier to fight the demons that were plaguing our kids, what we found that was when we were blaming ourselves, it allowed them to blame us too, for their bad behaviour.....once that stopped and we told them, "dont blame us anymore....you are responsible", it took away their excuse for not taking care of their own destiny themselves.....

No family, no matter who works or who doesnt, or who stays together or separates, or earns more money than some others...no one is immune from teens or young adults going off the rails.We are fools if we think we are........

It has taken a long time.....a long, painful, expensive, sad journey, but we have survived, and they have survived to finally lead a respectable life,to be good husbands and fathers, to have self esteem, and to be proud of themselves.

Maybe the education department should teach less of subjects that our kids will never use in their adult life, and maybe start teaching them how to be adults, partners and parents.....That is what is going to be the most important part of their future.

For all the books printed on childhood, teenagers, young adults, old adults, whats right or wrong, which way to bring them up.....really, has anyone or can anyone ever get it right.....We as parents, just have to do our best.......

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