Author Topic: <-- Introduce Yourself -->  (Read 432830 times)

Offline iristarr

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #30 on: March 01, 2006, 02:34:20 am »
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I posted this on the Welcome Board, but thought I'd move it over here.  So happy to see the recent posts and that the "community" is growing.  This is just an introduction, and I look forward to reading your posts in more depth.[font=Verdana
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Nancy, thanks for your welcoming words, and the sweet pic of "our boys."  I'm so totally jazzed that there are people like you, and a place like this, to make my home.  I'm a woman of 75 years, born and raised in Berkeley.  Right across the Bay! I grew up shy and solitary in some ways, never dated in high school (until a stroke of luck just before graduation, when I was asked to the senior prom.)  The first boys in my life were a couple of years before that.  I used to travel on the F train to SF several times a week to take ballet lessons at the SF Ballet School when it was on Van Ness, right across from the Opera House.  I discovered that one could sometimes usher there (at the OH) , so I signed on for that and it was there that I met my first boy friends.  Three boys, 17 years old, from Castlemont High school in Oakland, who loved the ballet, the symphony, the opera.  From then on I practically lived over there every chance I got.  We had so much fun together, walking all over SF, taking the train back late at night (my blessed mother coming to pick me up at the end of the line).  Of course these boys were "gay" although that word had no homosexual connotations in 1946.  They were just my first sweet loves, and I understood on some level their sexual preferences, it was never spoken of and didn't make any difference whatsoever.  I had found my "circle."

Well, years passed, my hormones finally kicked in, men came, I married once, divorced, married again. No children.  By 1960 I was alone to explore the SF jazz scene, inter-racial affairs, many men, much unhappiness and confusion.  No idea what I was doing with my life.

I'm not going to try to bring this life story all up to date just now, but Brokeback Mountain -- oh my God, how it has released a lifetime of tears, memories, connections, understandings, dreams, moments of transformation.  I have been working (on some depression issues) with a therapist for about six months.  She's very enthusiastic and supportive of the process I seem to be undergoing with BBM.  All the addictive behaviors, the obsession, the listening to the CD over and over, seeing "the movie" once a week, living on the IMDb boards, neglecting my laundry and housekeeping, coming to understand the incredible depth of that masterpiece. I've got so much more to spill out, but maybe this is a good start.
I know I'm in good company here, and look forward to hearing more of your process, and sharing mine.
Peace, Elaine (aka Iristarr) 
Ennis and Jack, the dogs, horses and mules, a thousand ewes and their lambs flowed up the trail like dirty water through the timber and out above the tree line into the great flowering meadows and the endless coursing wind.

Carps1000

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #31 on: March 01, 2006, 05:39:50 pm »
Hi All. My Name is Ken & as I have already said in an earlier post am 45 & live in the UK. Thank god for this site as all the other sites seemed to deal with Neg responses & stupid remarks to this film & some of the "people" on it were what I would class as 2 sandwiches short of a picnic & were very rude ,aggressive & the like. Thankyou for this fab site Phillip. I hope to be able to contribute a bit to it.I work on the British trains as a Senior Conductor  & live in a seaside town. I have a partner of 4 years who watched the film & thought it was "ok" but nowt special.  It is now a few weeks since I saw the film for the 1st time & am still in deep shock by it...Never has a film moved me so much in my life & I thought "Somewhere In Time" & The Karen Carpenter Story were moving enough, but this!!!! O M G. I remember right at the end I was shouting at the screen not to end the film where it did..I was so hoping that Jack would suddenly appear at that window but to no avail & I broke down blubbering like a baby & me 45 Yrs old. God its just got to have a sequel & Im actually making calls to various people as I would dearly love to write the sequel my self if I could get the permission..Ie copyright laws..& and fact etc.... This film identified with a lot of people & was a real jolter to others & the ones who Poo Poohed it prob didnt even see it. In the  UK it is just been shown now & apparently has peaked at its best for interest but it did get 4 Bafftas & Im hoping it gets the oscars it so richly deserves. I too have "lived" the B B M rule sometime in my life & it wasnt pleasant but I got by so I really know what the 2 guys were going through ( Played so true to life & form by Heath & Jake)...You know I think everyone has a bit of B B M in them somewhere in their memory, I know I do & sometimes not often tho I go back there in my mind...it makes for a great memory at times...Ken Carps1000

Offline ib4mostthings

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #32 on: March 04, 2006, 06:50:45 am »
Chris (Idaho),

I saw your post and was very moved by it. I think you must be having a tough time. Anyway I just wanted to say you aren't the only guy out there in your position, there are many people like you, and they are everywhere so don't feel alone in that. I think you need some time to sort your feelings out. I know, it's hard cos it means coming to conclusions that could possibly mean putting a label on yourself, but know that the label means nothing, your happiness is what matters most of all.

It seems like you're quite restricted in when you can get access to the Internet, and getting any information in general. I don't know your situation but there are other ways you can get Internet access than using the library. I can imagine that must be awkward and makes you want to hurry through stuff but you need the time and privacy to get information online without feeling hassled. There are cheap ways of getting online, if you want more information, let me know and I'll do some research for you about where you might be able to get easy access or buy a real cheap computer with free online access. Alternatively you could get a very cheap portable laptop so you can view online in privacy. You do need access to more information and so I think that's a good and harmless first step. Just let me know if you need help in that regard!

Going back to what you said, don't feel pressurised about anything or anyone and take your time. Your reaction to Brokeback Mountain is very common. And you shouldn't feel guilty about the past because everyone's behaviour is shaped by personal circumstances. Let me know how you're getting on, I and others here will happily help you out with anything you want to talk about or find out about. :)

Offline JCinNYC2006

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #33 on: March 07, 2006, 06:11:16 pm »
I was also very moved by Chris in Idaho's post.  Without sounding all dramatic about it, it felt like reading something that Ennis might have written.  Thankfully we're not quite in Ennis' time and there's a lot more support available, despite ongoing homophobia.  As a 39-year-old Latino gay man who lives in New York City, possibly the most accepting environment in the U.S., I would say that it's internalized homophobia that can do the most ongoing damage.

So my introduction:  I found out about this web site on IMDB, like a lot of other posters.  I saw the movie months ago and it still affects me and I still follow (almost daily) reactions and the effect is has on people.  So in a way it was a real find to hear about this web site.  Maybe I can learn more about what the movie respresents for me and learn more about myself in the process.

I read the story years ago, in a battered copy of 'Wyoming Stories'.  I thought it was one of the best written and most touching stories I had come across in a long time.  I'm not sure what my expectations of the movie were, but I do remember reading about it winning the prize at the Venice Film Festival, so I allowed myself to get a little more excited.  I saw it the weekend that it came out with a good friend of mine, probably my best friend.  We went to see it at a theater near his place in Times Square.  Man, from the first frames of that truck driving down that highway when Ennis gets out, to the sound of 'The Wings' near the closing credits, I was so drawn in.  I felt like I was living their lives for two hours, and there were almost no false notes at all, occasional moments where I was aware of watching a movie instead of practically living it.

There were several times that I got choked up, but I wouldn't let myself get all emotional.  I've been feeling pretty emotionally blocked for a long time now, and in a way I knew, or at least hoped, that the movie would be somewhat cathartic fo rme.  I could tell my friend liked it but I didn't really know how it affected him.  We went back to his apartment afterwards.  I couldn't really talk without getting a big lump in my throat, so the walk back was pretty quiet.  I shook it off briefly, went back to our usual way of bantering and joking around.  We sat down and had a glass of wine, and then I couldn't pretend any longer, I broke down and started crying.  He asked me what was the matter, like he hadn't just seen the movie, and I could only respond about how sad it was. 

But then I told him the truth about what was affecting me so strongly: I don't want to end up like Ennis.  Emotionally stifled, alone, unable to be myself, to love or be loved.  That movie really made me do a lot of thinking, and I'm hoping to do more work on myself in the coming months.  There's already been a lot of change going on in my life.  I graduated from social work school and now have a Master's degree, I'm taking art classes again, I'm back in volleyball.  But I'm realizing there's more that I want to do to feel more fulfilled and just plain happier.

Well, that's all for now.  Yeesh, it feels like too much, but it's good to get it off my chest.  Thanks for this site, Phil; even knowing that other people have been so affected by the movie feels comforting in a way. 

Juan
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Offline Phillip Dampier

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #34 on: March 12, 2006, 10:31:38 pm »
Thankyou for this fab site Phillip. I hope to be able to contribute a bit to it.I work on the British trains as a Senior Conductor  & live in a seaside town.

Wow... a British Rails employee?  It's amazing how much the British have managed to get train service down while ours is a real mess.  Of course, in the States, we all drive cars and pay half the price for gas (or even less) than you folks do.  I'd love to have a decent train service.  My only experience on a train was riding the "T" subway in Boston in the very early 1980s.  Rochester, NY is distinct because we're the only city in the country that had a subway and train service that was totally discontinued.  Most of the subway system is today our area expressways (as well as filled in portions of the Erie Canal system.)

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It is now a few weeks since I saw the film for the 1st time & am still in deep shock by it...Never has a film moved me so much in my life & I thought "Somewhere In Time" & The Karen Carpenter Story were moving enough, but this!!!!

I dunno, maybe it's a gay thing that I also loved The Carpenters.  My mom actually got me started being a huge fan of their music, which I can remember playing on the car radio while growing up.  It's another "sign" I think.  Of course, that whole story is another major tragedy.  You want to shake Ennis and you want to feed Karen! 

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O M G. I remember right at the end I was shouting at the screen not to end the film where it did..I was so hoping that Jack would suddenly appear at that window but to no avail & I broke down blubbering like a baby & me 45 Yrs old.

My cynical side tells me that if there was a happy ending, the impact of this movie would have been 1/2 as much.  It needed the ending it had even thought you really don't want it to be that way. 

Thanks for sharing, and I would love to hear stories about British Rail down the road.
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Offline Phillip Dampier

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #35 on: March 12, 2006, 10:36:37 pm »
But then I told him the truth about what was affecting me so strongly: I don't want to end up like Ennis.  Emotionally stifled, alone, unable to be myself, to love or be loved.  That movie really made me do a lot of thinking, and I'm hoping to do more work on myself in the coming months.  There's already been a lot of change going on in my life.  I graduated from social work school and now have a Master's degree, I'm taking art classes again, I'm back in volleyball.  But I'm realizing there's more that I want to do to feel more fulfilled and just plain happier.

First, Chris (Idaho) even sounds like Ennis on the phone, so it's kind of freaky.  Maybe I'll make him record some things and post audio files.  Talk about pushing emotional buttons....   :)

As to the rest, even though people are resisting me, I will eventually have a place for people to get their goals up on here and we're going to start tracking them and keeping people headed forward.  It's going to be like herding cats, I know, but in some form, there will be no stagnation around here or else.  You are already on your way, it sounds like.  We just have to keep everyone with us as we head forward.
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horo04

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #36 on: March 21, 2006, 12:27:39 am »
Hello all...I'm 34, male, heterosexual and live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.  I've been on another bbm forum but will try another since this is less cluttered for now.  I've seen this movie expecting to go in laughing and making jokes but I was very wrong...the movie ripped my heart out.  :'(  What an incredible picture!  It really sucker punched me...never expected it.  Guess that's why it took a hold of me...plus being filmed right where I live gives me a close connection to it even though the book takes place in Wyoming.  Never the less hope to contibute and share feelings with others concerning this amazing movie.

Offline Aussie Chris

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #37 on: March 21, 2006, 03:58:36 am »
Hello all...I'm 34, male, heterosexual and live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada...

Hey horo, welcome aboard.  I love it when straight guys "get it" and can appreciate BBM the way we do.  I mean it's hardly the feel good movie of the year now is it?  But even in all that self-loathing and sadness there is some of the most amazing and beautiful moments also, and everyone gay or straight can relate to that.  If only more straight men understood that then we'd all be most of the way to accepting each other in the first place.  I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.  Cheers, Aussie Chris.
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Offline Impish

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #38 on: March 21, 2006, 10:48:27 am »
Nice ta meetcha Horo!

Always glad when there's a "new country heard from."    :D

Could you please do me a favor?  Take a look at the thread titled "The Yuck Factor" in the BBM Open Forum.  I'm curious to know how your straight friends are dealing with your love for this film.

No pressure: if the topic doesn't interest you, leave it alone.  Probably not kosher to suggest a particular post anyway (sorry, Phillip!  ::)

In any case, welcome to Bettermost!
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Offline Peter John Shields

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Re: Introduce Yourself
« Reply #39 on: March 23, 2006, 09:25:48 pm »
Hello all,
My name is Peter and like Chris I am also from Melbourne, Australia.  I live with my boyfriend and our cat Stripey.  I am 34 years old and I really enjoy writing.  I have been inspired by Annie Proulx to write more imaginary characters - however it is really hard for me to write as Ennis and Jack are on my mind.  I have also been inspired by Brokeback and also by the movie Latter Days and Steve Sandvoss' performance - to give acting a try.  So on Monday I am auditioning in an amateur theatre group - www.batstheatre.org.au.  I am curious to see how this goes as I am a very shy person.  Like Philip I have lived in my home town pretty much all my life - although I have lived in different suburbs and lived in the country from ages 7 till I was 14.  I have never travelled overseas and rarely interstate.  However I would love to travel to Alberta, Texas and of course Wyoming!  I have always wanted to travel to America, UK and Canada.

Brokeback broke my heart and while I saw the movie a couple of months ago the ache is still there.  I am not a big movie goer as I find that movies can have a real emotional effect on me.  I find that I lose my own sense of identity very easily.  Therefore I didn't want to see Brokeback as I thought that it would devastate me.  However my boyfriend saw the movie and although he was very sad he said that it was great.  So one Saturday night on impulse we went to see it at midnight at Chadstone Shopping Centre (Chris would know where that is).  Well I didn't say much but my heart got ripped out and stomped on and like Strazeme I almost wished that I hadn't seen it.  My reality dimmed in comparison to Brokeback.  In the morning I woke in a cloud and the next week at work I was just too sad.  All I could think was man - how life can sure give people a major blow. 

Brokeback Mountain is the best movie I have ever seen.  I am very grateful for it.  However I dare not ever see it again - I am afraid that it would just cut open the wounds again as the pain was agonising.  Love too can be agonisingly painful sometimes - I think that is why Brokeback affected me as I think a part of me fell in love with the characters. 

I get a bit confused sometimes between my love for the story and my love for the actors.  Am I inspired to be more like Heath or Jake - and so feel like nothing compared to their great talent or am I inspired to be more like the characters and so feel like nothing compared to the beauty of Ennis and Jack?  I am not sure. ???

Thankyou Philip for this site - I definately do not feel so alone - and thanks for everyones posts - they are very comforting.  It is great that we can all support eachother as we finish the story in our own lives,

Cheers,

Stripey :D
Cheerio,
Peter