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[Bucky]

ekeby,

It sounds as if your love story and mine are about identical.  I too had a college romance fall apart because my guy didn't see any possible way our relationship could work.  He changed colleges and left me without saying a word.  A dear John letter is far better than that.  I had to find it out through mutual friends.  After watching Brokeback Mountain and posting on the IMDb board people encouraged me to try and find out where he lived and either write him, email him or call him.  I did find out and he is doing far worse than me.  He is wanting a divorce from his wife of twenty years and is in love with a man he has been seeing but his wife will not grant him a divorce so he is stuck.  When he emailed that information I couldn't keep from smiling.  I know revenge is not good but he did this to himself  and now instead of not knowing what happened I know that his life is more "screwed up" than mine is now.  Also now I have cloture and can move on with my life.

[ekeby]

Also now I have closure and can move on with my life.

I envy you Bucky, closure is good . . . I tracked down and phoned my guy in '81. He was polite, but evasive, and not particularly happy to hear from me. I asked him if his wife knew, and he gave me a very emphatic "No." I told him I'd keep away, and wished him well. Now, via the internet, I know where he is, and what he's doing professionally, but no idea about his personal life. I found that he took a theological degree in addition to his regular (academic) profession, so it doesn't sound like he broke his chains--rather the reverse. I realized that his kids would be about 40 now! When I saw his theology degree, I decided to leave them (in my will) the love letters he wrote me. Think "The Cheever Letters" Seinfeld episode. ("Dad! John Cheever?") . . . . I smile thinking about it. That's not revenge, right? I'm calling it Karma.

[Bucky]

ekeby,

I love the idea of willing the love letters to his family.  I didn't realize just how much pleasure I would get to know the one big love of my life which happened when I was a junior in college would try to get my sympathy for his situation now.  I know who his wife is because she is the same girl that he dated before our relationship.  He told me he quit her for me and I have a feeling that she knew he was gay when she married him.  Evidentally she wants to hang on to him because she won't grant him a divorce and so he is stuck in a loveless marriage and dating a man now that he really loves according to him but I know that at one time he loved me completely.  Neither of us could really figure out what we were going to do about our love affair.  Ennis called it "this thing" so he couldn't even bring himself to say the word.  The difference is that I was willing to try and I would never have abandoned him without a word like he did me.  Now he is one unhappy man and he really expected me to feel sorry for him.  Once upon a time I might have felt sorry for him but now I just feel vindicated for all the heartache I went through for such a long time.

I guess the moral for the last twenty two years of my life is that I didn't have to suffer in vain and somehow it is comforting for me anyway to know that I didn't have to ruin another life to fit in with society like he did.  I believe he does love the man he is seeing on the side now but he can't do anything about it because he has one seventeen year old son who will be a senior in high school next year and a wife who will not grant him a divorce.  So as I said in another post his life is even more "screwed up" than my life and I just can't feel sorry for him especially considering the way he just abandoned me without saying a word.   I have always heard that "what goes around comes back around" and now he is suffering.  It makes me feel like singing Bob Dylan's song "Like a Rolling Stone."

[ekeby]

Bucky, yep, that's the way I see it. What goes around, comes around. Karma. I may have suffered, but he has to have suffered too, in some way.

I got to thinking about your story, and your phrase "she won't grant him" . . . So I just looked it up on Wikipedia . . . Since 1985 all (US) states have enacted a no-fault divorce provision: "Either party may request, and receive, the dissolution of the marriage, despite the objections of the other party." A divorce is either contested or uncontested. That is, the couple is in agreement on the terms of the split, or they aren't. So, if that's exactly what your ex said, that his wife won't "grant" him a divorce, he's still lying. Maybe he isn't divorcing for another reason? Maybe financial or for the sake of appearances? Either way, you're right, he's in a mess of his own making and you're well out of it . . . .

[Bucky]

Bucky, yep, that's the way I see it. What goes around, comes around. Karma. I may have suffered, but he has to have suffered too, in some way.

I got to thinking about your story, and your phrase "she won't grant him" . . . So I just looked it up on Wikipedia . . . Since 1985 all (US) states have enacted a no-fault divorce provision: "Either party may request, and receive, the dissolution of the marriage, despite the objections of the other party." A divorce is either contested or uncontested. That is, the couple is in agreement on the terms of the split, or they aren't. So, if that's exactly what your ex said, that his wife won't "grant" him a divorce, he's still lying. Maybe he isn't divorcing for another reason? Maybe financial or for the sake of appearances? Either way, you're right, he's in a mess of his own making and you're well out of it . . . .

     


I just wonder if he knows that about the no fault divorce?  I know this I am not going to mention it the next time he emails me.  Since I have made contact with him through email about two months ago he has emailed me several times telling me "that I am the one person he can really talk to about his problems."  I know that he wants me to take his side but I advised him to do nothing until his son graduates from high school and goes off to college.   Of course on the advice of other posters on the IMDb I did make contact with him to see if I could find closure but his plight turned out to be worse than I could have imagined.  I knew he was gay and he knew he was gay but he married this girl anyway.  The whole thing in my opinion was that he married her to satisify his family especially his father who was a deacon in a Baptist church.  Somehow his father found out what was going on in college and wanted him to transfer to another college.  In any event he was twenty one at the time and I was only twenty so he could have done things a lot differently than just completely abandoning me without a word.  Now he acts like we are long lost best friends or I am a "Dear Abby" or something to that effect.  I do hope he finds the true love that he claimed he found with me twenty two years ago with the guy he is seeing now but I am not going to be a party to helping him find his love.

[ekeby]

Now he acts like we are long lost best friends or I am a "Dear Abby" or something to that effect.  I do hope he finds the true love that he claimed he found with me twenty two years ago with the guy he is seeing now but I am not going to be a party to helping him find his love

Your post is so illuminating . . . I often wondered what contact with "my Ennis" would be like now. Perhaps it is better not to have the veil lifted. Or is it? I guess you would know. Are you better off for knowing him now? I hope he at least apologized for the way he left you. It's a lot to ask for you to become his friend. I'm not sure I could, if I were in your shoes. . . .

[JT]

I think you both are very strong.  Welcome to Bettermost by the way.  I'm glad you've moved on with your lives.  I would be devastated to be in your shoes.

[Samrim]

Very true, but, ekeby and Bucky, I still love and ache for a straight guy I fell heavily in love before I knew it. He told me he'd rather take a gun and shoot himself than be touched by a queer; which was one hell of a 'put down'. Later he was very kind, or at least as kind as that impossible situation allowed. He is called Robert, and was fresh out of university too and was very fine. I've had to bear it, get on with my life, make the best of things, which I have, but I've never forgotten, a long lifetime later, and never stopped hoping that one day I'll see him again. I last heard that he live'd in Gloucester, UK, but I've never tried to make contact.
you two guys at least HAD a relationship to remember with love. I know it sounds twee, but I do think you are lucky, and that you spoil the love you felt, by giving way to bitterness. For all the pain, I've never tried to 'get my own back' on Rob. You might say with justification, that you aren't bitter,  but it does rather seem so. Best Wishes, Sam 

[ekeby]

Very true, but, ekeby and Bucky, I still love and ache for a straight guy I fell heavily in love before I knew it.
 a long lifetime later, and never stopped hoping that one day I'll see him again. I last heard that he live'd in Gloucester, UK, but I've never tried to make contact.
you two guys at least HAD a relationship to remember with love. I know it sounds twee, but I do think you are lucky, and that you spoil the love you felt, by giving way to bitterness. For all the pain, I've never tried to 'get my own back' on Rob. You might say with justification, that you aren't bitter,  but it does rather seem so. Best Wishes, Sam 

Hi Sam . . . I think falling for a straight guy would be a terrible cross to bear. We can't choose who we fall in love with, but in these days I think it must be a little easier to distinguish straight and gay for younger people, and to avoid considering straight people as an object of love. When we were young, everyone was closeted and it was harder to tell. I think sometimes straight guys like the attention, and, at some level, subconsciously encourage it. I had a straight friend like that in the 70s. He was completely comfortable around gay guys, even envious of how casual gay sex could be, but he was completely and utterly straight. It was frustrating because we were great together. Quelle drag, as another friend used to say....

I wouldn't want you to think I'm bitter--far from it. I realize that I'm lucky to have had what I did. I loved him enough that I never wished him ill, only good. It IS better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. I feel sorry for people who have never experienced love. These are the people who do not "get" BBM. I have to say, it was BBM that dredged all this up for me. What happened when I was 19 has been like a distant echo up till now . . . with BBM it got louder and closer and impossible to ignore. So grateful for this board and hearing my experience wasn't unique . . . .

[Samrim]

Hi there ekeby, Thank you so much for your measured response to my comment. I wrote it last night when I came in from my couplea pints, and feared that I'd over reacted. Still, what I do love about about these Bettermost Boards is that they're like a psychiatrist's couch, where we can all 'let it hang out', and talk things through.
 

It comforts me a lot, that I'm not the only older person deeply affected by ole Brokeback. I did feel initially so stupid given my age to be crying like a teenager after their first failed date, but we know why don't we; Ang Lee is a magician! What you say is quite right, Brokeback Mountain has dredged up all that old angst!
 
One thought you mention is 
<<but in these days I think it must be a little easier to distinguish straight and gay for younger people, and to avoid considering straight people as an object of love.>>

I didn't know I was developing this feeling for Rob, I certainly had no opportunity to consider <<whether he was an object for love>> like chosing from options at the shopping mall , I really was that much ignorant, or isolated or naive, whatever.  We had some weeks in each other's company, and the deed was done, then he took up with a girl!
Must get goin'
Best Wishes
Sam