Author Topic: Brokie Fever Relapse  (Read 13722 times)

Offline Brown Eyes

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Brokie Fever Relapse
« on: July 13, 2009, 10:23:50 pm »

Heya,
So, I'm here to report something that happened while I was away visiting my folks in Chicago for a long 4th of July weekend.  It was one of those visits completely defined by family activities.  And, I experienced something extremely close to the very early days of Brokie fever during most of the visit.  I found myself thinking about BBM or random BBM connections to almost every activity and every conversation.  Really, for a lot of the visit my thoughts were really distracted and of in BBM la-la land. It's really interesting because I haven't watched BBM for at least a few months now.  And, there was no particular trigger that I could discern.  It was actually kind of nice to experience that again for a little bit.

I still haven't watched BBM since I got back (I got back on Tuesday night).  So, in a way the feeling has waned again. 

But, I'm curious to know if other old-timers have experienced this much?  And, by this I mean an intense little phase of Brokie fever... and not the low-grade appreciation for BBM incorporated into your current outlook in a more settled/ subtle way (which is how I tend to experience Brokie-ness most of the time these days as an old timer).



the world was asleep to our latent fuss - bowie

Offline Shasta542

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Re: Brokie Fever Relapse
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2009, 11:06:41 pm »
That's great, Amanda! I have not had a phase yet that takes me back to the way it was---but I certainly hope that I will experience that some day. It was a great and wonderful time that made me feel very deeply and even though it hurt in many ways--it made me feel so alive!

Good for you!  ;)
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Offline optom3

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Re: Brokie Fever Relapse
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2009, 11:30:52 pm »
I still have periods where I am either BBM obsessed or Heath or both. There is not a day goes by when I do not play the wings, from BBM. Well actually that is not 100% true, I did not get to listen to it in hospital. There is not a time I hear it that I don't cry. In fact the kids know which  tracks I listen to on my BBM C.D.  1, 6, 9,12  and the very last track.
I think in my case, it is linked in with the depression that is blighting me at the moment. All my common sense tells me not to listen to or watch things that will accentuate the feeling, but my heart says, do what you want.
So some days I feel I am right back where I started with my BBM journey, other days, I feel I have made some progress. It seems to me, that my mood and BBM are intricately woven together.
Strangely, Michael Jackson's death, although terrible, affected me only indirectly. It reminded me of my own mess up, and the passing of Heath, which in turn led to a BBM viewing and several Kleenex. I started to go back to the BBM site here and re read some earlier posts.

Offline Monika

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Re: Brokie Fever Relapse
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2009, 01:43:02 am »
Some things tend to bring back those intense feelings for me. Reading fan fiction often does it but sometimes itīs other things. Yesterday when I looked through Leeīs photos from their recent Wyoming trip, I felt chills down my spine (in the good way). Remembering Wyoming and Alberta ofta does it for me, or discussing the movie or story with another Brokie.

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Re: Brokie Fever Relapse
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2009, 06:14:16 am »
Hmmm. I'll say I have a low grade fever. ;) BBM seems to be always with me. I've been reading alot of fanfiction recently. Mostly fictions where Jack does not die and he convinces Ennis to pursue the sweet life with him. I find I can't watch the film, it's too heartbreaking. The fanfic's let me fantasize they had a life together. Lame I know, but I like to think there are multiple alternate fictional realities available for them and they can choose which they like best. I have found a surprising amount of wisdom in these fanfic's and much love. Jeez, that sounds so weird! Ok, I swear I have a life!!  ;D. I have friends! I read books other than BBM fanfics! I swear! Me thinks I doth protest too much! ::)

Offline starboardlight

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Re: Brokie Fever Relapse
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2009, 06:10:30 pm »
yeah. totally know where you're coming from.

It's weird how little thing just snap you right back to that. I'd be out jogging and a strong wind slams into me, and I would think of Jack. A light flicker from a cigarette lighter, and my mind sees Ennis as a speck of camp fire in the middle of the mountain. Every time things like that happen, I get a stab of emotion that's jumbles excitement and joy in with loneliness and grief. And a moment later, it's gone.
"To do is to be." Socrates. - "To be is to do." Plato. - "Do be do be do" Sinatra.

Offline Brown Eyes

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Re: Brokie Fever Relapse
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2009, 06:18:52 pm »
yeah. totally know where you're coming from.

It's weird how little thing just snap you right back to that. I'd be out jogging and a strong wind slams into me, and I would think of Jack. A light flicker from a cigarette lighter, and my mind sees Ennis as a speck of camp fire in the middle of the mountain. Every time things like that happen, I get a stab of emotion that's jumbles excitement and joy in with loneliness and grief. And a moment later, it's gone.

Hey there Friend!!! So awesome to see you online! :) 8)  How've you been?  Feels like 4 f'in years since we've crossed paths around here.

Yes, I still have interesting relapses of serious Brokie feelings from time to time.  And, almost everyday I still find myself thinking of some aspect of BBM in relation to a daily task or average experience.  Sometimes those moments of reflection are very fleeting, but it's still an amazingly consistent presence in my life.  It's kind of woven into lots of aspects of daily life.  But, the really intense Brokie Fever experiences that were pretty common a few years ago are more and more rare.  I realize that the last time I had a real bout of Brokie Fever was when I was at hme with family and dealing with coming out issues.  I'm sure there's a direct connection now that I've had more time to think about the experience in July.



« Last Edit: August 07, 2009, 08:23:56 pm by atz75 »
the world was asleep to our latent fuss - bowie

Offline Front-Ranger

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Re: Brokie Fever Relapse
« Reply #7 on: August 07, 2009, 07:48:05 pm »
  I realize that the last time I had a real bout of Brokie Fever was when I was at hme with family and dealing with coming out issues.  I'm sure there's a direct connection now that I've had more time to think about the experience in July.

We would love to hear more!
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Offline Brown Eyes

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Re: Brokie Fever Relapse
« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2009, 08:30:06 pm »
We would love to hear more!

Thanks for your interest Friend.  Well, it's a long story and would derail this thread I think, so I'll provide a link here to my blog.  I actually discussed this at fairly great length over there in my blog.  The section about this issue starts about here, when I was anticipating my trip to Chicago for a mini-family reunion: http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,16112.msg522966.html#msg522966 And, it continues for a page or two after the trip happened, with lots of good support and ideas from lovely BetterMostians.


For this thread, I guess the point is that certain specific issues can bring out intense Brokie feelings... or an urge to "run back" to Brokie thoughts to cope. Coming out issues and moments seem like pretty clear triggers for me.

the world was asleep to our latent fuss - bowie

Offline starboardlight

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Re: Brokie Fever Relapse
« Reply #9 on: August 08, 2009, 08:35:18 pm »
Hey there Friend!!! So awesome to see you online! :) 8)  How've you been?  Feels like 4 f'in years since we've crossed paths around here.

Yes, I still have interesting relapses of serious Brokie feelings from time to time.  And, almost everyday I still find myself thinking of some aspect of BBM in relation to a daily task or average experience.  Sometimes those moments of reflection are very fleeting, but it's still an amazingly consistent presence in my life.  It's kind of woven into lots of aspects of daily life.  But, the really intense Brokie Fever experiences that were pretty common a few years ago are more and more rare.  I realize that the last time I had a real bout of Brokie Fever was when I was at hme with family and dealing with coming out issues.  I'm sure there's a direct connection now that I've had more time to think about the experience in July.

Hi Amanda. It's good to see friends still converging to share.

To be honest, the Fever doesn't hit me as often as it used to. The past couple of years, i'll go months without thinking about the boys now. That's why when something does remind me, the jolt of emotion can almost drop me to my knees. At the same time, these relapses also remind me that I am living a life that Ennis and Jack never had together. I've found my Jack and I've let him convinced me into starting up and running a little ranch together (okay a cafe, which recently won the title of Best Burger of Downtown LA, but that's another story).

yeah, I'm sure there is a direct connection between your last bout and dealing with coming out. That sense of fear and alienation is always there when coming out. Those emtions were ever present to Ennis.
"To do is to be." Socrates. - "To be is to do." Plato. - "Do be do be do" Sinatra.