Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Open Forum
Brokie Fever Relapse
starboardlight:
yeah. totally know where you're coming from.
It's weird how little thing just snap you right back to that. I'd be out jogging and a strong wind slams into me, and I would think of Jack. A light flicker from a cigarette lighter, and my mind sees Ennis as a speck of camp fire in the middle of the mountain. Every time things like that happen, I get a stab of emotion that's jumbles excitement and joy in with loneliness and grief. And a moment later, it's gone.
Brown Eyes:
--- Quote from: starboardlight on August 07, 2009, 06:10:30 pm ---yeah. totally know where you're coming from.
It's weird how little thing just snap you right back to that. I'd be out jogging and a strong wind slams into me, and I would think of Jack. A light flicker from a cigarette lighter, and my mind sees Ennis as a speck of camp fire in the middle of the mountain. Every time things like that happen, I get a stab of emotion that's jumbles excitement and joy in with loneliness and grief. And a moment later, it's gone.
--- End quote ---
Hey there Friend!!! So awesome to see you online! :) 8) How've you been? Feels like 4 f'in years since we've crossed paths around here.
Yes, I still have interesting relapses of serious Brokie feelings from time to time. And, almost everyday I still find myself thinking of some aspect of BBM in relation to a daily task or average experience. Sometimes those moments of reflection are very fleeting, but it's still an amazingly consistent presence in my life. It's kind of woven into lots of aspects of daily life. But, the really intense Brokie Fever experiences that were pretty common a few years ago are more and more rare. I realize that the last time I had a real bout of Brokie Fever was when I was at hme with family and dealing with coming out issues. I'm sure there's a direct connection now that I've had more time to think about the experience in July.
Front-Ranger:
--- Quote from: atz75 on August 07, 2009, 06:18:52 pm --- I realize that the last time I had a real bout of Brokie Fever was when I was at hme with family and dealing with coming out issues. I'm sure there's a direct connection now that I've had more time to think about the experience in July.
--- End quote ---
We would love to hear more!
Brown Eyes:
--- Quote from: Front-Ranger on August 07, 2009, 07:48:05 pm ---We would love to hear more!
--- End quote ---
Thanks for your interest Friend. Well, it's a long story and would derail this thread I think, so I'll provide a link here to my blog. I actually discussed this at fairly great length over there in my blog. The section about this issue starts about here, when I was anticipating my trip to Chicago for a mini-family reunion: http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,16112.msg522966.html#msg522966 And, it continues for a page or two after the trip happened, with lots of good support and ideas from lovely BetterMostians.
For this thread, I guess the point is that certain specific issues can bring out intense Brokie feelings... or an urge to "run back" to Brokie thoughts to cope. Coming out issues and moments seem like pretty clear triggers for me.
starboardlight:
--- Quote from: atz75 on August 07, 2009, 06:18:52 pm ---Hey there Friend!!! So awesome to see you online! :) 8) How've you been? Feels like 4 f'in years since we've crossed paths around here.
Yes, I still have interesting relapses of serious Brokie feelings from time to time. And, almost everyday I still find myself thinking of some aspect of BBM in relation to a daily task or average experience. Sometimes those moments of reflection are very fleeting, but it's still an amazingly consistent presence in my life. It's kind of woven into lots of aspects of daily life. But, the really intense Brokie Fever experiences that were pretty common a few years ago are more and more rare. I realize that the last time I had a real bout of Brokie Fever was when I was at hme with family and dealing with coming out issues. I'm sure there's a direct connection now that I've had more time to think about the experience in July.
--- End quote ---
Hi Amanda. It's good to see friends still converging to share.
To be honest, the Fever doesn't hit me as often as it used to. The past couple of years, i'll go months without thinking about the boys now. That's why when something does remind me, the jolt of emotion can almost drop me to my knees. At the same time, these relapses also remind me that I am living a life that Ennis and Jack never had together. I've found my Jack and I've let him convinced me into starting up and running a little ranch together (okay a cafe, which recently won the title of Best Burger of Downtown LA, but that's another story).
yeah, I'm sure there is a direct connection between your last bout and dealing with coming out. That sense of fear and alienation is always there when coming out. Those emtions were ever present to Ennis.
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