Author Topic: The Latest From The Onion  (Read 14917 times)

Marge_Innavera

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The Latest From The Onion
« on: February 19, 2011, 04:45:34 pm »
Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took To Legalize Gay Marriage'

DECATUR, IL, THE YEAR 2083—According to students in Mr. Bernard's fourth-period U.S. history class, it's "really pathetic" how long it took for early-21st-century Americans to finally legalize gay marriage.

The classroom of 15-year-olds at MacArthur High School—all of whom were born in the late 2060s and grew up never questioning the obvious fact that homosexual couples deserve the right to get married—were reportedly "amazed" to learn in their Modern U.S. History: 2081 Edition textbooks that as late as the 2020s, gays and lesbians actually had to fight for the constitutional right to wed.

"Wow, that is nuts," said student Jeremy Golliver, who claimed he knew gay rights was a struggle "like, a hundred years ago" but didn't realize it lasted so long. "It's really embarrassing, when you think about it. Just the fact that people in this century were actually saying things like, 'No, gays should not be allowed to marry,' and were getting all up in arms about it, as if homosexuals weren't full citizens or something. It's insane."

"I mean, was everybody just a huge bigot back then or what?" Golliver added.

The late-21st-century high schoolers told reporters that while many of them had seen depictions of the struggle for gay rights in "old movies" such as Milk, it was "bizarre" to read about how, just 70 or so years ago in the 2010s, many Americans truly thought that gay marriage would somehow destroy the fabric of the country.

"There were apparently these really important senators named John McCain and John Kerry who said that marriage should only be between a man and a woman," said a visually baffled Kevin Wu-Picarsic, adding that he couldn't imagine people like that actually being in charge of the country. "I guess in the end I feel really bad for gay people back then who loved each other and wanted to get married. What a sucky time to live."

After breaking into study groups to examine chapter 21 of their textbooks—covering the period from the financial collapse of 2019 to the end of the war in Afghanistan—Mr. Bernard's students spent much of the class period discussing, in disbelief, how even supposedly liberal U.S. presidents of the era were "too afraid, apparently" to publicly endorse gay marriage.

"If they thought it was the right thing to do, why didn't President Clinton or Obama or whoever just say, 'Hey, discriminating against gay people is wrong, so let's let them get married'?" said Pete Merriam, 15, who was born in an age with no death penalty and with nationwide approval of a woman's right to choose. "I get that they wanted to be reelected or whatever, but come on. That is so stupid."

"And look, our textbooks say civil rights legislation was passed in the 1960s, but then it somehow took another three generations to legalize gay marriage?" added classmate Jennifer Goldberg, laughing. "How does that even make sense? Oh my God, and those civil union things were ridiculous, too. Just let gay people get married already!"

Upon learning that gay marriage actually had to go to the Supreme Court, where it barely passed in a controversial 5-to-4 decision, students from the class of 2086 speculated that "maybe people were just dumber [in the early 2000s]," at which point student Eminem Robertson began to loudly impersonate a bumbling Supreme Court justice from the turn of the century, eliciting loud laughs of approval from classmates.

Mr. Bernard, 58, told the class that he himself could remember how in the 2030s gay marriage was still a somewhat touchy subject in certain parts of the country.

"It's true," said Mr. Bernard, gesturing to a holographic projection of late-20th/early-21st-century antigay preacher Fred Phelps on the classroom's V-screen. "Most people had come around by the time I was your age, of course, but you would still read and hear things about how certain people in New Washington were trying to overturn the court's ruling. Hard to imagine anyone being that adamant about gays not marrying, but those were different times."

"In fact, I remember President Romney even gave this speech once calling gay marriage 'an issue that continues to divide many in our nation, including myself,'" Mr. Bernard continued. "Of course, that was before his openly gay son, Craig, served four terms as president a couple decades later."

While the future students, roughly one in eight of whom were raised by gay or lesbian parents, are scheduled to write essays debating the different viewpoints on gay marriage in the 2010s, a number of them told reporters it was hard to conceive of arguments against something as clearly justified as gay marriage "as though it were some big controversial issue, like marrying your clone."

After concluding the week's examination of the history of gay marriage rights, classroom sources in the year 2083 said they would be moving on to the topic of how their grandparents' generation was too late to do anything about global warming.



http://www.theonion.com/articles/future-us-history-students-its-pretty-embarrassing,19099/

Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion: GOP battles
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2011, 04:56:19 pm »
Are The Republican Battles Becoming Too Public?


In the latest instance of discord within the Republican party, former senator Rick Santorum publicly rebuked GOP star Sarah Palin's decision not to attend the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, implying that she was more concerned with money than governing. Here is further evidence of a party in turmoil:

Nov. 2008: Following their failure to capture the presidency, Republicans are split into two factions: one supporting the traditional elephant logo, and another backing a new logo featuring an elephant that has a machine gun for a trunk, sunglasses, and a humongous erect penis.

Nov. 19, 2010: Mississippi governor Haley Barbour takes a swing at Mitt Romney, misses, and then has to sit down for 45 minutes to catch his breath.

Dec. 8, 2010: In a live broadcast on Fox And Friends, Mike Huckabee and Texas governor Rick Perry get into a heated argument over who hates science more.

Dec. 21, 2010: An irate John McCain rips into Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, a bronze bust of George Washington, and a figure only visible to him that he calls "Stephen," accusing them all of plotting to steal his things while he's in the bathroom.

Jan. 8, 2011: Numerous prominent Republicans gang up on Tim Pawlenty for taking more than two whole hours after the Tucson shooting to stand up for gun rights.

Jan. 28, 2011: As criticism of her unsanctioned State of the Union rebuttal mounts, a furious Michele Bachmann finally bursts into 10,000 spiders on the House floor.

Feb. 2, 2011: Michele Bachmann delivers response to Punxsutawney Phil's (D-PA) response to shadow.

Feb. 6, 2011: On Face The Nation, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal hits Sarah Palin below the belt by suggesting she has as much chance of becoming president as he does.


http://www.theonion.com/articles/are-the-republican-battles-becoming-too-public,19189/?utm_medium=promobar&utm_campaign=recirculation

Offline louisev

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2011, 08:23:52 pm »
the entire party has become the front page of the Onion.
“Mr. Coyote always gets me good, boy,”  Ellery said, winking.  “Almost forgot what life was like before I got me my own personal coyote.”


Offline Monika

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2011, 05:37:13 am »
Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took To Legalize Gay Marriage'

DECATUR, IL, THE YEAR 2083—According to students in Mr. Bernard's fourth-period U.S. history class, it's "really pathetic" how long it took for early-21st-century Americans to finally legalize gay marriage.

I think this is true, it is certainly how I feel about how long it took Sweden to legalize gay marriage. Embarrassing.
I mean, two years later and I haven´t even heard anyone raise a voice against it. It´s a non-issue. Just legalize it and people will quickly adjust, that is my belief.

I feel certain that the people now against gay marriage, will one day be shown to be have on the wrong side of history, so to speak.

Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2011, 11:35:21 am »
Even Michael Vick A Little Uneasy About How Easily People Have Forgiven Him

HAMPTON, VIRGINIA—During a press conference Wednesday, Michael Vick admitted that he was both surprised and somewhat disturbed at how quickly and easily the NFL and its fans have forgiven him for running an illegal dogfighting ring.

"I have to say that, while being a crowd favorite again has made my life substantially easier, I guess I'm a little weirded out by how little it took for people to fully embrace me, considering what I did to those dogs," said Vick, who also wondered aloud what it says about American society that he is once again a beloved sports figure. "To be honest, I haven't really forgiven myself for what I've done. Does everyone remember what I did to those dogs? The electrocution? The drowning? The pits of dog carcasses? I guess we all deserve second chances, but all I did was play some good football." Vick added that his 2010 Comeback Player of the Year award amounted to "some sort of insane joke."

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/even-michael-vick-a-little-uneasy-about-how-easily,19244/

Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2011, 11:44:18 am »
Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Been Praising Reagan

WASHINGTON—At a press conference Monday, visibly embarrassed leaders of the Republican National Committee acknowledged that their nonstop, effusive praise of Ronald Reagan has been wholly unintentional, admitting they somehow managed to confuse him with Dwight D. Eisenhower for years.

The GOP's humiliating blunder was discovered last weekend by RNC chairman Reince Priebus, who realized his party had been extolling "completely the wrong guy" after he watched the History Channel special Eisenhower: An American Portrait.

"When I heard about Eisenhower's presidential accomplishments—holding down the national debt, keeping inflation in check, and fighting for balanced budgets—it hit me that we'd clearly gotten their names mixed up at some point," Priebus told reporters. "I couldn't believe we'd been associating terms like 'visionary,' 'principled,' and 'bold' with President Reagan. That wasn't him at all—that was Ike."

"We deeply regret misattributing such a distinguished and patriotic legacy to Mr. Reagan," Priebus added. "We really screwed up."

Following his discovery, Priebus directed RNC staffers to inform top Republicans of the error and explain that it was Eisenhower, not Reagan, who carefully managed the nation's prosperity, warned citizens of the military-industrial complex's growing influence, and led the country with a mix of firm resolve and humble compassion

"Wait, you're telling me Reagan advocated that trickle-down nonsense that was debunked years ago? That was Reagan?" Sen. John Thune (R-SD) said upon hearing of the mistake. "I can't believe I've been calling for a return to Reagan's America. I feel like an asshole."

According to sources, millions of younger Republicans have spent most of their lives viewing Reagan a stalwart of conservative principles, and many were "horrified" to learn that the former president illegally sold weapons to Iran, declared amnesty for 2.9 million illegal immigrants, costarred in a movie with a chimpanzee, funneled aid to Islamic militants in Afghanistan, and suffered from severe mental problems.

In the wake of the GOP's revelation, Congress has passed bills to rename Reagan National Airport and the USS Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier in honor of Eisenhower. A number of potential 2012 Republican presidential contenders have also rushed to reframe their agendas in terms of "Eisenhower ideals" while distancing themselves from Reagan.

"It's absolutely mortifying to suddenly realize that the man you had long credited as a champion of fiscal conservatism actually tripled the national debt and signed the largest peacetime tax hike in U.S. history," said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, adding that he was ashamed to learn that the man he once called his hero stood by silently while the AIDS epidemic exploded. "Frankly, I can't even believe that fucker had the balls to call himself a conservative."

"But we must move beyond this mess and look ahead toward our country's future, a future much like the one envisioned by the great Ronald Reagan," Gingrich added. "Oh, sorry—force of habit."

The misplaced adulation of Reagan has reportedly affected more than just Republican rhetoric, and seems to have had an impact on policy. Former president George W. Bush told reporters he "honestly thought" everyone wanted him to follow in Reagan's footsteps, which led him to emulate the 40th president's out-of-control deficit spending, fealty to the super-rich, and illegal wars.

While the GOP's error has gone largely unnoticed by the American public, a number of citizens admitted to having been puzzled by Republicans' slavish celebration of Reagan during recent years.

"I never understood why everyone elevated him to the level of a party icon," said 89-year-old Nancy Reagan. "Ronnie was certainly sweet and I loved him very much, but let's face it, he was a terrible president."

Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2011, 11:37:47 am »
Breaking news on the Onion News NetworK ("Report first -- ask questions later"): Does Obama Hate His Dog?

partial transcript:

from anchor Brooke Alvarez:  President Obama cannot seem to shake the mounting rumors that he does not love his dog, Bo.  They started three weeks ago on right-wing message boards, speculating as to why President Obama was so rarely photographed with the Portuguese water dog given to the First Family in 2009.  The issue has become a favorite talking point on conservative radio programs, like the Wendell Max Show.

Wendell Mack:  I've never seen him feed Bo, I've never seen him take Bo to the vet.  My friends, if this man hates his own dog so much, if he refuses to play "fetch" with him in public, think how much he must hate the American people!

Alvarez: For some deep insight on this controversy in record time, let's take this over to First Responders, the fastest opinion generators on television.

[graphic and music, "First Responders"]

Alvarez: Okay, first responders, tell us what Obama should be doing differently here.

...
Bo on White House lawn
Not seen in public with Obama in over a year 


for the rest of this news item, go to
http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-denies-accusations-he-does-not-love-his-dog,19252/  
« Last Edit: February 25, 2011, 10:54:22 am by Marge_Innavera »

Marge_Innavera

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The Latest From The Onion: Walker Can't Control His Underlings
« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2011, 11:14:11 am »
Governor Walker Should Be Flogged For His Inability To Control His Underlings
...
By T. Herman Zweibel, Publisher Emeritus


...
T. Herman Zweibel (photo c. 1911)

By any civilized measure, this should be a golden age for America. My editors inform me that the gap between rich and poor is the greatest in history, which is a comfort, as I wish the coal-smudged wretches as far from me as possible. So, too, are we in a vast recession, meaning I am allowed to appear fiscally pious and unusually virtuous as I refuse to share even a parcel of my staggering wealth with the less enriched. Best of all, the lack of spare spending-pennies among the general population has put every-one in such a foul demeanor that the good people of Georgia may soon pass a law decreeing that any woman over 13 who is not pregnant must be put to death, and about time, I say. Truly, it is a good time to sell news-papers, as people do lap up the repeated failures of their society like a dog its vomit.

But for one noxious exception: This governor of Wisconsin and his glaring impotence in constraining the state's wretched hirelings.

You may imagine my rage when I was informed that the Governor was facing down seventy thousands of angry state workers after informing them that they had lost their right to bargain for Union contracts! He allowed them to rise up like so many aspirational prairie-dogs, without fear of lashing, the gibbet, nor public humiliation! Wisconsin, as we all know, is a hinterland of ruddy-faced, venison-gnashing peasants, so naturally the in-ability of this man to rule there infuriated me so greatly that my iron dentures clashed together with a force sufficient to spot-weld them closed. We have come to a pretty pass in this country when common citizens feel they have the right to assemble in public and shout any God-damned thing they want!

Once I had been calmed and my jaws freed by my house dentrifice-monger, I discussed the matter of the Union workers with my solicitors. My first question, of course, was whether or not these Union toilers could be replaced with vastly less expensive workers under the Confederate model, but I was informed that for various complex reasons this may not be feasible for several years. I was much heartened by the news, however, that Walker was trying to drag the Union work-men down to the level of the average slobbering working person, which should be the goal of every Governor. After all, I would not build a lead-slurry plant in Wisconsin if I can pay the workers in New Jersey a few cents less, and unions make that very difficult. Therefore, if they care one whit about cheap and thank-less jobs, the 48 governors of this nation ought to be scrambling to see which state can beat its citizens into the most hopeless, miserable, and pathetic conditions possible. The governor with the most desperate citizens will then get all the lead-slurry plants and be hailed as a hero. That, as any news-paper will tell you, is how America works, God damn it!

Yet what little blood still seeps through my calcified and brittle veins was brought near to boiling when I was told that minions, lackeys, and servants were threatening to assemble publicly and make their opinions known in the neighboring cesspools of Ohio and Indiana. If this madness were to spread, the grotesque accumulation of capital I and my brother barons so cherish would be under some feeble threat. What would these workers demand next? A six-day work week? Nonsense!

I was quickly informed, however, that many of the plow-and-hammer types actually support their asparagus-spined governor, apparently from the impulse that it is easier to tear others down than to lift yourself up—a principle I wholly support, as it is the foundation upon which journalism and democracy are built.

So while this near-treasonous Governor should resign for slackening the customary iron grip on his state and allowing the common rabble to have a voice, I believe that this will be only a brief setback. The people of Wisconsin have been reasonable, civil, and articulate, I am told, despite the fact that many among them are mere laborers, and, what is even worse, teachers. And if there is one thing I have learned from my time on this God-forsaken Earth, it is that reasonable, civil, and intelligent people have not left much of a mark on history.

Now, get back to work!

http://www.theonion.com/articles/governor-walker-should-be-flogged-for-his-inabilit,19309/

Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: Incomprehensible Shouting Now Official US Language
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2011, 11:28:11 pm »

from Brooke Alvarez at the Onion News Network:

"Congress has passed a bill naming incomprehensible shouting as the official language of the United States."


 



Click on image to view video

Marge_Innavera

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FOX posts bogus Japan map; Asian version of "The Onion" at work?
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2011, 09:38:07 am »
(Note: this is a departure from "News from The Onion", but in view of the tragic events in Japan, I felt it was more appropriate for this thread than the "Current Events" thread about it.)


From News Corpse: if you see this map on TV again, take it with a grain of salt.




"Fox News displayed this graphic in a report on Japan’s nuclear power facilities. The problem is that there is no reactor in 'Shibuyaeggman.' In fact, there is no Shibuyaeggman. Now that would be bad enough, but Media Matters investigated further and discovered that 'Eggman'  is the name of a dance club in a trendy neighborhood of Tokyo called… 'Shibuya.' ”

The author of the piece noted that both FOX and Rachel Maddow had been taken in by a Pakistani version of The Onion, and this might be from the same source. (When I first saw the map, I thought the name looked like "Sheboygan.")


Google cache here:  http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:MmWJAu55c04J:nation.foxnews.com/campus/2011/03/13/pakistan-islamic-clerics-protest-women-wearing-padded-bras-devil-s-cushions&cd=2&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&source=www.google.com
 

Offline CellarDweller

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Re: FOX posts bogus Japan map; Asian version of "The Onion" at work?
« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2011, 10:11:08 am »
The author of the piece noted that both FOX and Rachel Maddow had been taken in by a Pakistani version of The Onion, and this might be from the same source. (When I first saw the map, I thought the name looked like "Sheboygan.")

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


Tell him when l come up to him and ask to play the record, l'm gonna say: ''Voulez-vous jouer ce disque?''
'Voulez-vous, will you kiss my dick?'
Will you play my record? One-track mind!

Offline louisev

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #11 on: March 15, 2011, 11:22:28 am »
FOX NEWS:  Fair, balanced, gullible!
“Mr. Coyote always gets me good, boy,”  Ellery said, winking.  “Almost forgot what life was like before I got me my own personal coyote.”


Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: Microsoft's New "Advanced Word" Alert
« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2011, 05:21:29 pm »
Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Mainstream Audience







http://www.theonion.com/articles/microsoft-word-now-includes-squiggly-blue-line-to,19739/

Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: Rep. King's "Muslim Hearings"
« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2011, 05:23:44 pm »
Last week, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) held a controversial hearing entitled "The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community and that Community's Response." Here's some of the information that came out of testimonies given there:

    * Almost 97 percent of Muslims are so un-American they can't eloquently summarize Federalist Paper No. 51 and James Madison's argument for checks and balances

    * That delicious spice in their food? That's sumac; man, it's so good

    * When Muslims scratch their bearded chins and look up, they're most likely thinking of new ways to blow up something

    * There is a massive international Muslim conspiracy to subvert all democracies everywhere, a fact its members were obligated to disclose because they were under oath

    * Unfortunately, not one witness knows Cat Stevens personally

    * Muslims always back their cars into parking spaces, even though it doesn't really save any time in the long run

    * They're pretty much the only thing keeping Dearborn, MI's economy afloat

    * Muslims can vote, and they probably won't be casting ballots for the party that hauled them before Congress because of their religion



http://www.theonion.com/articles/representative-kings-muslim-hearings,19730/?utm_medium=promobar&utm_campaign=recirculation


Marge_Innavera

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from the Onion: same-sex marriage destroys Davenport
« Reply #14 on: March 30, 2011, 09:50:57 am »
Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony
March 12, 2011



FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.

According to state authorities, the nightmarish incident occurred approximately five seconds after a local pastor pronounced homosexual men Brian Palmer, 39, and Greg DeHaan, 43, married in the eyes of God .  .  .  . Davenport's inhabitants were swallowed by a widening chasm, where they found themselves eviscerated on the fiery spears of 10 million shrieking demons.  "They tried to warn us and we didn't listen—Lord, why did we not listen?" said Rev. Kenneth Hanson, the clergyman who performed the unholy marriage, moments before being dragged into a bottomless pit, flayed alive, and devoured by Satan, the Great Deceiver. "All I wanted to do was provide basic civil rights and legal recognition to Brian and Greg, two people who love each other and have been together for 15 years. But I was wrong. Oh, so wrong!"

"Children of God throughout the nation!" Hanson cried out as he plummeted into the infernal void. "Do not make the same mistake we here in Iowa have made! Save yourselves before it is too late!"

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         


Following the immolation of Davenport, LGBT communities across the country immediately issued statements acknowledging their culpability for the catastrophe, admitting that homosexuality was a sinful lifestyle deserving of wrathful punishment. In surveys, 100 percent of homosexuals polled said that, given the clear evidence of God's Will shown by the tragic events, the best course of action would be to abandon the notion of gay rights altogether and beg the Lord's forgiveness.

"I thought antigay activism was cruel and bigoted before, but now I can see that, yes, my sexual orientation is truly an abomination in the Eyes of God," said lesbian activist and organizer Professor Julia Cafritz of Houston, responding to early reports of God's actions in the Midwest. "My very existence is an affront to all that is good and true in this country. I'm sorry, America. I'm so, so terribly sorry."

At press time, officials said the overall strength of the traditional American family had increased by 47 percent following the eternal damnation of Davenport, while pure, hardworking Christians everywhere would continue to be assured a place in heaven.


full story, including picture, at http://www.theonion.com/articles/town-of-davenport-iowa-descends-into-hell-followin,19446/

Offline CellarDweller

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2011, 09:58:56 am »
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


Tell him when l come up to him and ask to play the record, l'm gonna say: ''Voulez-vous jouer ce disque?''
'Voulez-vous, will you kiss my dick?'
Will you play my record? One-track mind!

Marge_Innavera

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Stop Schweddy Balls !
« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2011, 09:16:18 am »
Actually this didn't run in The Onion; the "issue" became Onionesque before they could get to it: 


Stop 'Schweddy Balls' Effort Begins

Saying that "the vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive," the conservative group One Million Moms is calling on Ben & Jerry's to stop making "Schweddy Balls."

One Million Moms wants its members to e-mail Ben & Jerry's "requesting that no additional Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed." And it wants members to threaten a boycott if the company doesn't do what they want.  As Eyder wrote earlier this month, Schweddy Balls (the ice cream) was inspired by a Saturday Night Live skit in which actor Alec Baldwin "plays Pete Schweddy, a guest on a fake NPR show called Delicious Dish. Pete makes holiday treats like cheese balls, popcorn balls, rum balls and his famous Schweddy balls. The skit is an exercise in double entendres."

We've contacted Ben & Jerry's spokesman Sean Greenwood to see if the company has any comment. It certainly hasn't changed its mind about Schweddy Balls since the One Million Moms call-for-action went out: Ben & Jerry's website is prominently promoting Schweddy Balls, and Greenwood's voicemail message is as well.

Update at 12:15 p.m. ET: Ben & Jerry's spokesman Greenwood tells us the company has gotten "500 to 600 emails and communications ... especially over the last 24 hours," and that "90 percent were saying 'keep doing what you're doing.'

"Having a sense of humor is one the things we do," he added. " 'Schweddy Balls' wasn't named for shock value. It was named after a popular Saturday Night skit."  As for the flavor's future, Greenwood said it has been "absolutely crazy popular" and will continue to be produced and sold, as planned, through the holidays.

By the way, Baldwin hosts Saturday Night Live again this week. Perhaps Schweddy will be make another appearance?

http://media.npr.org/assets/img/2011/09/21/newest_flavor_sept_2011_custom.jpg?t=1316611947&s=15

Offline Penthesilea

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Re: Stop Schweddy Balls !
« Reply #17 on: September 22, 2011, 11:12:08 am »
Actually this didn't run in The Onion; the "issue" became Onionesque before they could get to it:  


Stop 'Schweddy Balls' Effort Begins

Saying that "the vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive," the conservative group One Million Moms is calling on Ben & Jerry's to stop making "Schweddy Balls."

One Million Moms wants its members to e-mail Ben & Jerry's "requesting that no additional Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed." And it wants members to threaten a boycott if the company doesn't do what they want.  As Eyder wrote earlier this month, Schweddy Balls (the ice cream) was inspired by a Saturday Night Live skit in which actor Alec Baldwin "plays Pete Schweddy, a guest on a fake NPR show called Delicious Dish. Pete makes holiday treats like cheese balls, popcorn balls, rum balls and his famous Schweddy balls. The skit is an exercise in double entendres."

We've contacted Ben & Jerry's spokesman Sean Greenwood to see if the company has any comment. It certainly hasn't changed its mind about Schweddy Balls since the One Million Moms call-for-action went out: Ben & Jerry's website is prominently promoting Schweddy Balls, and Greenwood's voicemail message is as well.

Update at 12:15 p.m. ET: Ben & Jerry's spokesman Greenwood tells us the company has gotten "500 to 600 emails and communications ... especially over the last 24 hours," and that "90 percent were saying 'keep doing what you're doing.'

"Having a sense of humor is one the things we do," he added. " 'Schweddy Balls' wasn't named for shock value. It was named after a popular Saturday Night skit."  As for the flavor's future, Greenwood said it has been "absolutely crazy popular" and will continue to be produced and sold, as planned, through the holidays.

By the way, Baldwin hosts Saturday Night Live again this week. Perhaps Schweddy will be make another appearance?

http://media.npr.org/assets/img/2011/09/21/newest_flavor_sept_2011_custom.jpg?t=1316611947&s=15



Your post made me google, since I've never heard of the SNL skit.
Now I want some Schweddy Balls for Christmas! :laugh:

Sadly, this new is not from the Onion, even though it is very onionesque, as you correctly stated.
Made me google some more. It's hard to believe the above is actually true. At least something good came from it; I now know about Schweddy Balls. ;D

Offline Luvlylittlewing

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2011, 10:25:40 pm »
I just love those Sweaty (Schweddy) Balls!  ;D

Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #19 on: October 12, 2011, 12:24:30 pm »
Forget hybrids and electric cars -- this one is just perfect for our country at present.  Click on the image to hear all about it:



Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion: The Truther Memorial
« Reply #20 on: October 27, 2011, 09:29:20 am »
Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial


UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Funded by donations from dozens of websites and fringe publishers, and dedicated to "the fearless amateur research and bold guesswork" of those seeking to "expose the secret machinations of the world's true puppet masters," the 7,000-square-foot monument has already attracted hundreds of visitors.

"It was a long time coming, but at last it's here," said Don Gustaf, a blogger who drove from Cincinnati to see the site. "This will stand forever in tribute to those who lost their lives the day clandestine CIA operatives used advanced wireless technology to electronically hijack a pair of 767s and remotely fly them into the World Trade Center."

Created by a design team who chose to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals from the Bilderberg Group, the memorial has as its centerpiece the "Truth Towers," a 60-foot-tall replica of the World Trade Center that houses a museum devoted to unanswered questions surrounding the attacks. Below it lies a pentagonal reflecting pool from which emerge 18 steps leading to the base of the monument, with each stair intended to symbolize one of the 18 Great Lies of the 9/11 conspiracy.



"This is a place where Americans can come to reflect on the most elaborate hoax in our nation's history," said Carol Bowerman, 53, wiping away tears as she walked passed a 15-foot granite cylinder representing the cruise missile used to fake a plane crash at the Pentagon. "On this hallowed ground, those of us who refuse to accept the official version of events can mourn the day the United States was taken over by a crypto-fascist cabal more powerful than anyone can imagine."

"It's so moving," Bowerman added.

The museum is free and open to the public, though $10 is charged for admittance to the theater screening an endless 12-second loop of the building at World Trade Center 7 collapsing, an event a modulated voice-over describes as an obvious controlled demolition.

Go to http://www.theonion.com/articles/construction-complete-on-911-truther-memorial,18034/ for The Full Story.

Offline CellarDweller

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #21 on: October 27, 2011, 10:12:18 am »
God, I love the Onion!   :laugh:


Tell him when l come up to him and ask to play the record, l'm gonna say: ''Voulez-vous jouer ce disque?''
'Voulez-vous, will you kiss my dick?'
Will you play my record? One-track mind!

Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #22 on: November 08, 2011, 12:48:38 pm »
Remains Of Ancient Race Of Job Creators Found In Rust Belt



...
Archaeologists say evidence of the long-dead race can still be readily found.

WASHINGTON—A team of leading archaeologists announced Monday they had uncovered the remains of an ancient job-creating race that, at the peak of its civilization, may have provided occupations for hundreds of thousands of humans in the American Northeast and Midwest.  According to researchers, these long- forgotten people once flourished between western New York state and Illinois, erecting highly distinctive steel and brick structures wherever they went, including many buildings thought to have held hundreds of paid workers at a time.

"It's truly fascinating—after spending a certain number of hours performing assigned tasks, the so-called 'employees' at such facilities would receive monetary compensation that allowed them to support themselves and their families," said archaeologist Alan H. Mueller, citing old ledgers and time-keeping devices unearthed at excavation sites in the region. "In fact, this practice seems to have been the norm for their culture, which consisted of advanced tool users capable of exploiting their skills to produce highly valued goods and services."

"It's a complex and intriguing set of rituals we're still trying to fully understand," Mueller added. "But it appears as if their entire society was centered around creating, out of thin air, actual jobs that paid an actual living wage."

With his team having so far cataloged the decaying ruins of more than 400 edifices believed to have been used solely for human employment, Mueller said he now believes the inhabitants of mid-20th-century North America may have built their territory—in particular, the Great Lakes region and northern Appalachia—into one of the most advanced and prosperous civilizations in the world.

Numerous scholars told reporters the findings have challenged everything they thought they knew about the fundamental organization of human societies, calling it "staggering" and "almost unbelievable" that a culture predating our own had been able to provide work to nearly every person who sought it.


full story about the ancient civilization at http://www.theonion.com/articles/remains-of-ancient-race-of-job-creators-found-in-r,26490/ 


Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: reactions to 9-9-9
« Reply #23 on: November 16, 2011, 10:17:50 am »
On October 17th, the Onion did a quick poll of Americans' reactions to Herman Cain's 9-9-9 soak-the-poor plan.  A few results:



"Look, getting America out of this recession demands we all share the bold, written-on-the-back-of-a-napkin sacrifice Cain has proposed."
..
Henry Dodge, Systems Analyst



Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: Obama's latest gaffe
« Reply #24 on: December 09, 2011, 04:19:02 pm »
In Major Gaffe, Obama Forgets To Dumb It Down
..
December 6, 2011


CINCINNATI—In a serious miscalculation that may prove devastating to his bid for a second term, President Barack Obama neglected Tuesday to simplify a statement to the point where it could readily be grasped by anyone with the vocabulary of an 8-year-old. "Instead of saying, 'There are many global variables at work here, and unless they all fall into place, we could find ourselves back in a recession,' he should have just said, 'Times are hard. We gotta be strong,'" said Washington Post political correspondent Brian Meltzer, noting that Obama's statement during a speech on job creation was met with dumbfounded looks and audible gasps from the crowd.

"Americans are so used to meaningless homespun homilies, they don't know what to do when they're treated like thinking adults. The president has to understand that if he goes out there throwing around words like 'currency' and 'economy,' he'll end up being branded an elitist."

In an attempt to correct the error, Obama concluded his speech with the words "Jobs good. No jobs bad. God bless America."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/in-major-gaffe-obama-forgets-to-dumb-it-down,26820/ 

Offline louisev

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #25 on: December 10, 2011, 12:02:14 am »
Some of the best journalism in America, right there.
“Mr. Coyote always gets me good, boy,”  Ellery said, winking.  “Almost forgot what life was like before I got me my own personal coyote.”


Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #26 on: December 10, 2011, 06:09:40 pm »
I looked up the following, and few other entries to be posted later, in response to getting a message from a Holocaust "revisionist":


Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum?

Did six million people really visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum since it opened in April 1993? That's what the United States Holocaust Memorial Council would have you believe, and if all you've been exposed to is its Zionist propaganda, you probably do. But just how many people have actually passed through the Holocaust Museum's doors?

Despite the wealth of evidence proving that the museum's visitor numbers are wildly exaggerated, it is truth seekers like myself who are labeled dangerous to society. Swayed by the Jewish agenda and its powerful lobby in Washington, millions of people have been duped into blindly accepting the museum's one-sided view of its attendance history. And those who attempt to set the record straight are promptly dismissed as "kooks," "liars," and, of course, "anti-Semites."

What are you afraid of, United States Holocaust Memorial Council? That the world will find out that the number of people interested in your museum has been greatly distorted?

Let's take a look at this supposedly well-visited museum. Just where do these attendance figures come from? You might be surprised by the answer: Speaking anonymously for fear of retribution, numerous Holocaust Museum workers have admitted that the six-million figure is "only an estimate." Furthermore, this misrepresentation includes not only visitors to the museum's Permanent Exhibition, which requires a pass, but also visitors to the rotating exhibits at the front of the building! Shocked? Anyone with a basic understanding of the way the Zionist propaganda machine works shouldn't be.

So, the supposed six million is not derived from the number of free tickets which have been distributed, but is instead a CAREFULLY AND DELIBERATELY MANIPULATED FIGURE which includes visitors to the museum who were unable to obtain a pass and only visited the all-access Wexler Learning Center. In other words, it includes visitors who could not in any way, shape, or form be counted! Even Sharon E. Underwood, one of the museum's own tour guides, admits that the question of how many people actually visited the museum remains "OPEN TO DEBATE." Yet the American Jewry continues to present six million as reality.

(Other discoveries:  flash photography prohibited in the museum, figures on the 1993 opening day's attendance reported by a journalist named "Levine".)

full story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/did-six-million-really-visit-the-holocaust-museum,10814/

Marge_Innavera

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The real winner in Iowa
« Reply #27 on: January 07, 2012, 03:31:04 pm »
600-Pound Butter Cow Sculpture Wins Iowa Caucus
January 3, 2012 | ISSUE 48•01


DES MOINES, IA—With a majority of precincts reporting, sources have confirmed a 600-pound recreation of a dairy cow sculpted entirely from freshly churned butter has won the 2012 Iowa Caucus. A staple at the Iowa State Fair and part of a tradition dating back to 1911, the 5-and-a-half-foot-tall, non-homogenized-milk-fat sculpture of a grazing bovine received 64 percent of the vote, easily defeating opponents Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul.

"For one thing, I’m more familiar and comfortable with the butter cow," said Iowa voter Horace Wright, who cited the creamy sculpture’s even demeanor, its pro-agriculture agenda, and the fact that it’s not Mitt Romney as his primary reasons for voting for it. "And second, looking at the rest of the field, I think at this point the butter cow is the Republican Party’s best shot at beating Obama in November."

Exit polls revealed many caucus attendees considered Jon Huntsman, but ultimately concluded they didn’t want to waste their votes.

www.theonion.com/articles/600pound-butter-cow-sculpture-wins-iowa-caucus,26941/

Marge_Innavera

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From the Onion: left out of the worldwide conspiracy
« Reply #28 on: January 18, 2012, 11:55:45 am »
Local Jew Feels Left Out Of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy

SOUTHFIELD, MI—It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.

"For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the worldwide Jewish conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer programmer. "And I can't say it doesn't hurt."

While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of dollars of international currency and brokering multi million-dollar entertainment deals, on this quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a frozen pizza and watching ER, far removed from any money beyond the $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech Industries.

"Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now and then?" he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd love to be able to sneak around behind the scenes like the Elders of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the real power in society. But I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A. triangle, I just wasn't one of the chosen people."

"Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds no sway over the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street banking community or the Trilateral Commission, and has never run a major Hollywood studio.

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

"Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain admittance into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the Masons."

whole story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/local-jew-feels-left-out-of-worldwide-jewish-consp,809/

Marge_Innavera

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Chick-fil-A expands menu
« Reply #29 on: July 26, 2012, 10:40:20 am »
In response to the flack about the CEO's anti-gay attitudes and CFA's support of anti-civil rights groups like NOM, Chick-fil-A has introduced a new sandwich for its customers and supporters:


Chick-Fil-A Debuts New Homophobic Sandwich
'Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu' Goes On Sale Wednesday
..
July 24, 2012 | ISSUE 48•30

ATLANTA—As part of its recent efforts to publicly align itself with fundamentalist Christian values, the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain announced today the debut of its new Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu sandwich that would be on sale in all of the company's 1,600 restaurants this Wednesday.

In a press conference to reporters, company representatives said the homophobic new sandwich will include the national fast food chain’s trademark fried chicken filet wrapped in a piece of specially-smoked No Homo ham that would be topped with a slice of Swiss cheese and lathered in a creamy new Thousand Island-based Fag Punching sauce.

"The Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu is our company's way of showing our firm commitment to strong, Christian family values," said Chick-fil-A spokesman Robert Gary, before adding that the vehemently anti-gay rights sandwich comes served in a combo with waffle fries and a medium soda for just $6.95. "From the very first morsel of this savory meal to the very last bite, customers can envision gays burning in hell with their sodomizing cohorts, and know that our sandwich is on their side.  Of course, the young ones will want to finish their meals off right with a No Fudge Packin' Soft Serve Cone," Gary added. "I can't think of a better way to follow up a sandwich this good."

While the release of the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu has led to anger from pro-gay rights groups, loyal Chick-fil-A customers claim they are happy they can finally enjoy a sandwich that takes a firm stance on the issue of homosexuality. 

"Any sandwich that combines that great Chick-fil-A flavor with a hefty dose of vitriolic homophobia is definitely going to keep me coming back for more," said Atlanta customer John Oaks. “Come Wednesday, I’m going to be first in line for this thing.”

According to sources, the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu is merely the first of Chick-fil-A’s new family values menu which is set to include the AIDS Is God’s Curse chicken nugget combo and the Fags Caused 9/11 strawberry fruit smoothie.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/chickfila-debuts-new-homophobic-sandwich,28888/