I miss you on weekends

[Bucky]

Phoenix,

I had a crush/love like you do once only it wasn't in high school but in college.  It started out slowly or gradually and suddenly this one guy became my best friend.  He was everywhere I was or at least that was the way it seemed.  We walked to our classes every day together.  It was his idea not mine but I really liked it after awhile.  We ate lunch together and began to do a lot of things together even playing pool together and bowling.  I know my other friends started to wonder why I was spending so much time with this guy.  In some ways it was a little embarassing but if it made him happy I was glad to do it.

He had a girl friend at the time and I didn't.  He eventually broke  up with her and told me that he did.  I had an idea of why he broke up with her but I would never say anything that might scare him away.  He finally told me that he broke up with his girl friend because he liked someone else.  So I said "who is it you like?"  He said I am looking at him.  I then said a dumb thing but it was alright. I said "you mean me?"  The answer was yes.  This was in February of 1984 and we had a great time that year both in the spring semester and during the summer term.  We still had to be a little careful not to give ourselves away to the whole college but it was great.  In a lot of ways it was just like a boyfriend and girlfriend type of relationship except we were two guys.  It was the most intense love that I ever had with anyone but it didn't last.  He left in the fall term to go to a different college and I was left alone.  It took him three years to contact me again and that was to invite me to his wedding to the same girl that he had quit for me.  I could not bring myself to go to that wedding. 

Maybe it is just me but when you are younger love hurts more than when you get older but maybe I am wrong.  Since I saw Brokeback Mountain I got in contact with him again after twenty two years.  His life is not happy and he wants to divorce his wife but he has a seventeen year old son  who is a senior in high school this year.  The only advice I gave him was to stay with his wife at least until his son got out of high school and then she would probably give him a divorce.  He was seeing some guy that he wanted to leave his wife for but then he wanted to rekindle what we had in college but I told him no.  If I were younger I might have said yes but I am forty three years old  right now and I am not exactly looking for a relationship at the present of any kind but that might change in a few years.  Who knows?   

I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through and the kind of love you have for Bill doesn't happen every day because it has happened to me only once in forty three years.  I think my guy was scared off by homophobia as we were both afraid of how it would work out when we left college.  I only blamed him for bailing out on me without a word but I am even over that part now.  He was twenty when we had our relationship and I was nineteen when it started but I had turned twenty before it ended.  He told me before he left to go home after the summer term that he just couldn't see how what we had could work out after we got out of college.  I don't know if it could have worked either but I was willing to give it a try but he wasn't.

[Shakesthecoffecan]

Yeah Pheonix I think about you and Bill, remembering my on feelings for guys when I was your age. You are lucky in that you have a good friendship with him, something I didn't really have.

These are difficult waters, and a lot of time you have to feel your way thru it by trial and error. Hang in there and know you are not alone. Be patient, and it will come together for you when it is supposed to.

[RebelWithASmile]

Phoenix,

I had a crush/love like you do once only it wasn't in high school but in college.  It started out slowly or gradually and suddenly this one guy became my best friend.  He was everywhere I was or at least that was the way it seemed.  We walked to our classes every day together.  It was his idea not mine but I really liked it after awhile.  We ate lunch together and began to do a lot of things together even playing pool together and bowling.  I know my other friends started to wonder why I was spending so much time with this guy.  In some ways it was a little embarassing but if it made him happy I was glad to do it.

He had a girl friend at the time and I didn't.  He eventually broke  up with her and told me that he did.  I had an idea of why he broke up with her but I would never say anything that might scare him away.  He finally told me that he broke up with his girl friend because he liked someone else.  So I said "who is it you like?"  He said I am looking at him.  I then said a dumb thing but it was alright. I said "you mean me?"  The answer was yes.  This was in February of 1984 and we had a great time that year both in the spring semester and during the summer term.  We still had to be a little careful not to give ourselves away to the whole college but it was great.  In a lot of ways it was just like a boyfriend and girlfriend type of relationship except we were two guys.  It was the most intense love that I ever had with anyone but it didn't last.  He left in the fall term to go to a different college and I was left alone.  It took him three years to contact me again and that was to invite me to his wedding to the same girl that he had quit for me.  I could not bring myself to go to that wedding. 

Maybe it is just me but when you are younger love hurts more than when you get older but maybe I am wrong.  Since I saw Brokeback Mountain I got in contact with him again after twenty two years.  His life is not happy and he wants to divorce his wife but he has a seventeen year old son  who is a senior in high school this year.  The only advice I gave him was to stay with his wife at least until his son got out of high school and then she would probably give him a divorce.  He was seeing some guy that he wanted to leave his wife for but then he wanted to rekindle what we had in college but I told him no.  If I were younger I might have said yes but I am forty three years old  right now and I am not exactly looking for a relationship at the present of any kind but that might change in a few years.  Who knows?  

I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through and the kind of love you have for Bill doesn't happen every day because it has happened to me only once in forty three years.  I think my guy was scared off by homophobia as we were both afraid of how it would work out when we left college.  I only blamed him for bailing out on me without a word but I am even over that part now.  He was twenty when we had our relationship and I was nineteen when it started but I had turned twenty before it ended.  He told me before he left to go home after the summer term that he just couldn't see how what we had could work out after we got out of college.  I don't know if it could have worked either but I was willing to give it a try but he wasn't.

I really hope Bill can like me, but sometimes, IDK. He was just sexually harrassed by his bus driver, how sick, and figures. Not that i long to be sexually active, but i just want Bill.

10/17

Saw Christina Aguilera's Hurt Music video on MTV. It was good.

Bill shook my hand three times today. The second time, i was so embarassed because he put his hand in such a way that i couldn't really shake it, so i just laid my hand in it (like a high five)    OMG! I got really red, but pushed it off He's giving me another Sin City book. Awesome.

A new poem i wrote, which i gave Bill.....this one is sadistic

REGRET

I see you bleed
I was your weed
the emotional reed
but i needed to feed
Why stop now?

I hold you with care
and pat your hair
I admire your smell
Then i send you to hell
but i can not, will not
let go......

I kill you slow

I hear your plea
It holds the key
what a beautiful symphony
it brings me euphoria

I want to bathe in your sweat
to stink of you
but i don't know what to do
'cause in my raging madness........
I notice

I miss you

[RebelWithASmile]

10/18

HAHA! I broke up with my girlfriend!!!! YES!!! i'm so happy.


BUT, not without controversy. I wrote her a nice note about it, and i said how i didn't want her to change, i just wanted out. But of course she has to get all rednecked, and she cusses me out for no reason! God, she's so stupid that i pity her. I was ecstatic at lunch, and BILL said he liked me better this way. He was adding to the fire, saying that it was good that I dropped that 'slut, whore bitch.' It was all just fun in games, of course. We shook hands again.......but he doesn't want to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with me and another friend.

Its all good. I had a good intelligent conversation with some fellow honor students about serial killers, so today wasn't bad at all. Even before i broke up with my girlfriend i was thinking how October 18th had a ring to it that i liked.

Though i hardly liked my GF, i can't but feel a little melancholic. IDK why, its just my way.........

peace

[Lumière]

Hey Phoenix

I wouldn't say your poem "Regret" is sadistic, it is sad and speaks of longings, desires .. very nice .. 

[injest]

Hey Phoenix

I wouldn't say your poem "Regret" is sadistic, it is sad and speaks of longings, desires .. very nice .. 

yes it is my favorite so far! Keep going, Phoenix!

[RebelWithASmile]

Yeah, i like Regret a lot. Thanks to you both!

10/19

Not a horrible day. I got ANOTHER note from my ex-GF. She said she had said things she had regretted say that four times! She tried to make me feel bad, by blamingme for her problems. Figures....

Another day of literally rolling on cement, and self-hurting  lol, it was great. I did a back roll, but i fell, and Bill helped me up. He taught me to shadow box which was kind of fun. I wondered if he noticed that i was afraid of hurting him. I had to run to give him the following poem......

this is my favorite

Vine

You smother everything you can
you hurt everyone, that's your plan

The sun is flickering in my eyes,
listening to your god damn alibies
you slowly increase and consume as you go
like a disease, and just as slow

I feel a thorn, i welcome it first
all to feed your bloody thirst
They said you would answer me!
They said you would show sympathy!

But that's all numb
in my throbbing head
you are my headache
on a hard rock bed

you never grow soft, just more craven
bloody raven,
dark as ash
and just as cold........

I see your lava eyes
brighter than the brightest firefly

No matter what they say
you are going to pay
for you are no god of mine
your just a silly vine

[Lumière]

Hello Phoenix ~  I saw your comment on my blog, lol, so I made this for ya.  Enjoy!

[RebelWithASmile]

awesome! I've made this one a couple of days ago.......





i love it. i'm suprised no one has called in offense to it at the site i use it


then theres this one.............



this one is sad

but i love them both and i love the one you made. Thanks alot

[RebelWithASmile]

WOW, its been too long!

Happy birthday to Ang Lee, i think he is 52 today

he is awesome!

This passed weekend was good. I went to the movies with a GF, and we saw TCM:The beginning. It wasn't bad at all, except they needed more chase scenes in it and less 'capture scenes.'

I am currently listening to Solitude by Evanescence


One bad thing, though.

I got a letter back from a teacher i used to keep in contact with. Well, i actually used to have a HUGE crush on this teacher, and when his letter came after about a year or so, i was soooooo nervous.....


I was crestfallen. The way he ended the letter, i know he never wants to talk to me again. He wasn't mean about it, but his words and the way he ripped my heart out...it was too much, i almost cried. But i must respect his obvious choice of action. 

i really liked him.

but anyway, i got a new Video game........

next topic

today was a nice day. Bill tried to refuse some of my money, saying 'I like you as a friend, not a ATM machine' hehe, thats funny. Well, he bought me a pop with the money i gave him we gave a toast to friendship-what a great moment. Friday i had leant him a book on serial killers, and today he leant me another Sin City Graphic novel which was cathartic.

cathartic=liberating


its my favorite word of all time, and Tara, the girl i went to the movies with, cuts herself and she asked for a word to 'write' on her arm. I said 'cathartic' because it means 'purging, cleansing,' all that jazz. She has a lot of problems


and i've tried to get her to get help, but its a long story.....

momma is ordering EAST OF EDEN IN THE MAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more James Dean, wuff, thank god!