Author Topic: Another viewing, and a revelation  (Read 18832 times)

Offline ednbarby

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Another viewing, and a revelation
« on: October 14, 2006, 10:30:45 am »
I watched the movie last night again for the first time in over a month, and as usual, even though I've now seen it 18 times (but who's counting?), I noticed a couple of things I hadn't before.  And unlike all the other times, I had a revelation.  I discovered exactly why it is I personally am drawn to this story and these characters.  Like Eric has said, what you get out of this movie is what you bring to it.  And part of that is one's willingness to face what one brings to it.

Others here have shared some intensely personal stuff here, and I'm about to do the same, and without trepidation because you all make me feel quite safe.  So here goes:  My husband and I have had some problems in our marriage with intimacy.  It's not that we have no desire to be intimate with each other and it's not that we haven't been, and many times.  But we haven't been as intimate with each other and on as regular a basis as I'm sure he would like or even as I would as a typical straight woman who does truly love and trust her husband but who is 41 and has had a child and works outside of the home as well.  He's known since we were dating that I was molested as a child repeatedly.  But he has always thought it was by a close friend of one of my older brothers.  He's thought that because that's all I've told him.  Until two weeks ago, when we finally had "The Talk" - the one that would determine whether we would separate or not.  Yes, it had gotten that bad.  Two weeks ago I told him the truth - that in fact it was one of my brothers.  And it was for at least three years, when I was between the ages of 6 and 9.  All this time, I had rationalized that I should never tell him because I didn't want him to hate my brother.  I have a decent relationship with him now - he's even visited us, with his wife at the time, a couple of times here in Florida and he and my husband get along quite well.  But I realize it was really because I was ashamed and I worried that he'd think less of me.

Of course he was floored.  But instead of being hurt that I hadn't trusted him enough to tell him sooner, it released all the love he's had for me all these years but kept hidden because he feared it wasn't truly reciprocated.  We talked and cried and held each other for another hour, and the next morning, it was as if we had started completely over.  All the resentment he's had towards me because he felt unloved by me was gone, and he was more loving and affectionate than I even realized he was capable of being.  I think we can truly move on from here and be better than we've ever been, as long as we keep talking about it and facing it together whenever the need arises.

So now I watched the movie last night, I realize, for the first time since that revelation was made.  And had another one.  As I watched Ennis close that closet in his trailer at the end, I literally thought "Oh, Ennis. You'll never be able to get past it."  And then I realized it:  I am Ennis.  That's what I've brought to it every single time.  That's why I want to reach into the screen and rock him in my arms when he backs away from that closet, his eyes looking like black quartz brimming with those tears.  But hopefully now I'm Ennis who's getting another chance, and who isn't going to be afraid to take it.

And now I know, too, why my husband who up until that time had never really cried in front of me wept openly when Ennis found the shirts the time he watched it with me.

« Last Edit: October 14, 2006, 10:33:13 am by ednbarby »
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Offline Front-Ranger

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Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2006, 10:50:30 am »
Dear Barb, thank you for trusting us enough to share this with us.  I am proud and happy for you and your husband that you had this revelation. We all have an Ennis inside us and this is the place to let him come out and realize that he is loved and begin to heal.
"chewing gum and duct tape"

Offline RouxB

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Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2006, 01:07:33 pm »
Barb-

You are so incredible-I hope you had that revelation as well. In my other life I am, and have been for a long time, deeply involved in the anti-sexual assault movement as an educator, rape and sexual abuse counselor and advocate and non-profit board member. I know the immediate and long-lasting effects of abuse on survivors and the damage it does to the soul. I applaud you for sharing your story with your husband and feel honored that you shared it with me. My respect and admiration for you just continues to grow  :-*

Roux

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Offline David

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Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2006, 07:02:16 pm »
Barb,  I wished we lived near eachother!    I'd be over there in a heartbeat to give ya a hug Darlin!        :-*

Offline Meryl

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Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2006, 10:53:33 pm »
Thank you, Barb, for sharing that.  I'm really happy to hear that you and your husband are closer than ever instead of talking about parting.  The way you connect it to the film is very moving and makes me glad all over again that it got made.  A big hug to you!  :-*
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Offline Kelda

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Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2006, 06:18:15 am »
Barb - thank you for telling us your story.I know you aren't afraid tp grab hold of that chance.
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Offline ednbarby

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Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2006, 08:15:16 am »
Thanks for the very kind thoughts, all.  And David, I wish we lived near eachother, too.  :)

What's saddest to me is how not unique my experience is.  Several woman friends have confided in me over the years that they lived through similar horrors as children - stepfathers, uncles, family "friends," neighbors, and yes, brothers and fathers.  I'm sure many men have lived through it, too, but it seems more prevalent in women.  I like to hope it was a product of the 70s somehow and that it's getting better for children now, but I fear it's most likely gotten worse considering the more isolated we've all become in this sprawling suburbia, technology-obsessed age.  At least when I was a kid, we were always outside running around with the neighbor kids weather permitting.  Now kids stay inside all the time - it worries me.

That's wonderful work you're doing, Rouxb.  I bow to you and people like you who are helping.  I aim to become one of those people in the very near future.

Thank you, everyone, for being the true family I never had, and thank you Phillip, for providing a safe haven here to all of us Ennises.

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Offline David

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Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2006, 07:45:02 pm »
Geez,  I guess I've repressed this too.  But when I was 10 years old, my older brother pressured me to fool around with him.     I didn't think much of it at the time, but today I can do the math.   My brother is 8 years older than I am!   

I'm sure plenty of people would point and say : "See? that made you queer!"      It didn't make my brother Gay.   He is married with three kids.

I've never told anybody that in my life!      BetterMost opens up all kinds of Closets I guess!

I don't think it did any great damage to me emotionally.  I dated girls eventually.   I made my own choices.     Not to disparage anyone who is still suffering the scars of such an event.    Every situation is different.     How we carry this with us is the important part.     Knowing that it is OK to be loved and held by our loved ones is a matter of trust.     

Barb, I'm sure that you know how much your husband loves you.   He sounds like a great guy.    And a what makes for a great spouse is that they are also your best friend.    It sure sounds like you are in great hands.     

David     :)

Offline starboardlight

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Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2006, 10:40:07 pm »
thank you for sharing that post with us, Barb. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to admit and face our own fears. For you to open up to your husband at such a crucial time must have been scary. I am happy that he instead of being angry allowed himself to see how much you do love him. I think you're right. I think you two will be able to move forward together from here. We're here, pulling for you, and you know that.
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Offline ednbarby

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Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2006, 09:37:07 am »
I know what you mean, David - I hate that rationale, too - the one that says that if a gay man was molested as a child, that's "the reason."   ::)

If that's the case, shouldn't I only like doing it with members of my own family?  Good God, the ignorance of everyday people just astonishes me sometimes.

Similarly, I *hate hate hate* that Mark Foley's admitting he is gay is somehow supposed to exonerate him from being a pedophile.  HEL-LO!  A pedophile is a pedophile.  There are gay pedophiles and there are straight pedophiles.  One thing doesn't lead to the other.  Ignoramuses.

I think maybe it's been harder for me to get past it because I pushed it down inside for so long.  It went on for three or four years and I felt horrible about it every time and yet did nothing to try to stop it myself.  Why didn't I go to my other brother (who, as it turns out, ultimately found out about it and put a stop to it largely unbeknownst to me until fairly recently) or my mother?  Why didn't I fight him?  Why didn't I do something?  There's a shame associated with doing nothing that's the hardest thing to shake, I think.  And I think it's left me thinking for years and years that sex is somehow a dirty, uncivilized thing - a thing you should be ashamed of.  When someone like me finds herself with a loving, caring, trustworthy man, we don't know what to do with ourselves.  For years, through high school and college, I was only attracted to the "bad boys" - the ones who would ultimately treat me like crap, and I was smart enough to know they would from the get-go, because I must have thought that's what I deserved to be treated like.  Ed was the first to ever truly treat me like an equal.  And while I basked in the glow of his love, I shied away from it, too.  Meet Barbara Del Mar.

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