Kerry's Komedy Klub

[underdown]

Do you have the symptoms of AAADD ?  (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder).

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys
down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin under the table, and notice that it is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where
I find the coffee that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't
accidentally knock it over.

I see that the coffee is getting cold, and I decide I should put it in the kitchen.

As I head toward the kitchen a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the coffee down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled, because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll pop in to see my doctor in the morning. But before I go, I'd better wash the car.

[underdown]

                     

[Dagi]

Do you have the symptoms of AAADD ?  (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder).

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys
down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin under the table, and notice that it is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where
I find the coffee that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't
accidentally knock it over.

I see that the coffee is getting cold, and I decide I should put it in the kitchen.

As I head toward the kitchen a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the coffee down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled, because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll pop in to see my doctor in the morning. But before I go, I'd better wash the car.

I´m only 32 and still I can relate... This is exactly how some of my days go by.

[dot-matrix]

The university lecturer was speaking to an audience of townspeople. He was attempting to prove that there was a connection between happiness and the amount of sex in people's lives.

To help prove his point, he asked those in the audience who indulged
every night to raise their hands. Only 5% did so, laughing merrily.

He then asked how many indulged once a week, and 70% raised their
hands smiling contentedly as they did so.

Then the people who indulged once a month were asked to raise their hands, but it was noticeable they neither laughed or smiled.

The lecturer thought that this proved his point, but to prove how obvious
this matter was, he asked those who indulged once every year to raise
their hands. A tall man at the back of the hall leapt from his chair, waving his hand and laughing loudly.

The lecturer was astonished at this apparent contradiction to his lecture,
and he asked the man why he was so happy.

The man replied, "Certainly. It's tonight ! It's tonight !"

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Revised Company Policy

Dress Code:
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[dot-matrix]

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
came to his repeated knocks at the door.

So he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back
of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found his
card had been returned. Added was this cryptic message "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door & knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, " I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
for I was naked."

[dot-matrix]

A few one liners
 
I do not know what your problem is, but I bet it is hard to
pronounce.

How about never ? Is never good for you ?

I see you have set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

I am really very easy to get along with once you people learn
to see it my way.

I don't work here, I am a consultant.

I like you ~~ you remind me of myself when I was young and
stupid.

You are validating my inherent distrust of strangers.

Do I look like a people person to you ?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Errors have been made. Others will be punished.

Ahhh . . . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

[dot-matrix]

Quotes from famous mothers ~ ~ ~

Batman's mother : It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you
realize how much the insurance will be ?

Goldilock's mother : I've got a bill here for a busted chair
from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?

Albert Einstein's mother : But Albert, it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair ? Styling gel, mousse,
something . . . ?

Mary's mother : I'm not upset that the lamb followed
you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got
a better grade than you !!

Little Miss Muffet's mother : Well, all I've got to say is if you
don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room. there'll
be a lot more spiders around here.