Kerry's Komedy Klub

[CellarDweller]

OMG!  Kerry, that's hysterical!   

[Kerry]

OMG!  Kerry, that's hysterical!  

Tee-hee, I thought it was pretty funny myself, Chuck!      

[Mandy21]

Boobs vs. Willies


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' 

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.
 

'Onions?'


'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.'

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

 
'A Christmas tree?'


'Yes  --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

[CellarDweller]

As we have passed through 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.   I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through
the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because
I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will
blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.  Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water drops splash over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

[Kerry]

And don't forget about shopping trolleys at the supermarket, Chuck. If only I had a dollar for every time I've seen a small child drooling all over the handle of a shopping trolley. No wonder they're always so sticky. Shudder. Yetch.   

[Kerry]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist, who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was an aggressive, unfriendly woman, who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
 
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around, to look at the very embarrassed man.   

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH US OLD FOLKS!

[Kerry]

[Sason]

^^^^^^^^^

Now I'm starting to doubt my own beliefs....

If there's even the tiniest risk of Lady GaGa becoming president......then I'm not so sure anymore....



 

[Mandy21]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
   
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
 
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
 
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
   
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
   
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
   
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
   
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
 
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
   
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
 
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
 
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
 
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
   
She'll read it very slowly...

'com-for-da-bul.' "       

[Mandy21]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
 
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
 
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."