Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.

 

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'


She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'

 

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds,

 

'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!''OK'  the nun says.

'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

 

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

 

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'


'Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess, 

'I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

 

The nun says, 'That's OK. 
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

 

[Katie77]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal.
 
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
 
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '                             
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped up to the microphone and said:
                                 
        Slowly across the desert sand
        Trekked a lonely caravan
        Men on camels two by two
        Destination - Timbuktu
                                 
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
 The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
                                 
        Me and Tim a huntin' went
        Met three whores in a pop up tent
        They were three, and we was two
        So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
 

[Kerry]

[Penthesilea]

 

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

Husband Wanted:

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.   

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

'HUSBAND WANTED:- MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),  MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME  & MUST  STILL BE   GOOD IN BED!!!!!     ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.'

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! '

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I  can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
 

[Kerry]

Did you hear about the Latin Professor who called into a bar for a drink?

"What'll it be?" asked the bartender.

"A martinus," said the professor.

"Don't you mean martini?" asked the bartender.

"If I wanted more than one I'd ask for more than one."

Boom-boom!

[southendmd]

I'm no Latin scholar, but I love your new avatar, Kerry.

"Pone ubi sol non lucet."

Put it where the sun don't shine.

[Kerry]

I'm no Latin scholar, but I love your new avatar, Kerry.

"Pone ubi sol non lucet."

Put it where the sun don't shine.

Haha - the "sol non lucet" is a bit of a giveaway! I've changed it to "Pulvis et umbra sumus" ("We are dust and shadow") because I was afraid "Pone ubi sol non lucet" may be thought somewhat rude. Maybe I should change it back. The Horace is maybe a little too heavy.