Turning a corner

[BBMGrandma]

WOW....I seem to have turned a corner today in my search for "WHY"  I had such a really productive session today with my therapist.  We sort of hopped from spot to spot like a couple of bunny rabbits in a field.  We touched on <or it seems so anyway> on every painful and hurtful spot  lurking inside me.  Every time something HIT....I felt physical pain...nausea.  It was SUCH a delightful feeling though....felt soo freeing.  It that crazy....or what?   Anyway....I had taken a bunch of 'stuff' that I had copied into her office this morning.  I still didn't think she was "GETTING IT" <as far as our movie/boys go>  I started bawling...SHE started bawling...and she just said...."I DO get it and thank GOD you get it too....."  Then everything hit...at once!!  Lost Loves...misgivings....regrets....painful darkness...answers...more questions....crying...aloneness...fear...!!  I must confess I STILL don't have ALL the answers....far from it!!   But thanks to ALL of you for your insight....thoughts....care....concern...plus MY digging into myself....I'm climbing higher on "our Mountain" each day. 
Much Love....Nancy

[iristarr]

I've also been talking with my therapist about the BBM-effect for a few weeks now.  That's ALL we talk about, since the movie has taken residence in my heart.  In the beginning (about six weeks ago now) I was trying to answer the questions about WHY I was being so affected, and they seemed to be various.  At first, of course, it was the sadness for loss of a love, but with subsequent viewings it seemed a much vaster grief -- the loss of life-dreams and broken hopes, sadness over choices made or not made, sense of not accomplishing what I was meant to be on this earth for, loss of a spiritual connection.  Deep, deep anguish, many  many tears. And one point I felt like I was crying for all the pain in the world. When I found myself weeping in the very beginning when Jake and Ennis begin up the mountain with the sheep, knowing they are ascending into paradise and all the pain that awaits them in their lives, . . . . I'm crying as I try to write this.

Anyway, it sure isn't quitting me.  C. (my therapist) encourages me entirely to just flow along with this, as long as it flows, paying attention (it's about all I do pay attention to these days) and enjoying the journey.  And I do.  My photos of "the boys" smile back at me, the CD pulls at my heart, I feel more alive and juicy than I have in many years (I'm another old woman, 75).  A Jake-like figure appeared in my dream a few days ago and asked me (in the dream), "have you seen Brokeback Mountain?" and my heart leapt up and I said "yes, yes, do you want to talk about it?" because there is nothing I would rather do these days than that.
I look forward to our "conversations" via this board.  

[juneaux]

I prorbaly should confess that my "therapists" are the members of this site.  The topics that are shared have given incredible insights and helped me realize harsh realities about the world. 

Feel free to send me a bill for the counsleing services you all have provided me.   

Thanks,

J.

[Lynne]

And I thought that finding the others on this board meant I didn't need therapy :-)

It is interesting how much this movie seems to evoke the various stages of grief.  I don't know much about them from a psychology POV, but I know that I have personally moved from devastation and loss initally (6 weeks ago) through a lot of analysis and searching, and now I am at an acceptance of sorts.  I slept better a couple of nights ago than I have in years.  I went to sleep with the soundtrack playing and awoke with such an overwhelming sense of well-being.  My first waking thought was that I was being held, wrapped securely in those shirts.  Obsessed?  If so, I hope it never passes.

[iristarr]

Going through my first-of-month bills this morning, I discovered I never even balanced my bank statement last month! WO! -- it got buried on my desk while I neglected everything by Brokeback Mountain and its repercussions.  I did finally get my laundry put away the other day    

Some thoughts that went through my head since my last post:

I keep thinking about BBM and about the "closeting" of gay people, and how closeted and hidden even we straights can be, so often hiding our truest selves in efforts to please others: parents, teachers, religious (and other) authority figures, society's proscriptions and prohibitions.  I think women, at least women of my generation, may be particularly so affected, sometimes so much we don't even know ourselves quite who we are, or what we actually want out of life.  We can get frozen into rules that never quite fit us, but we compromise and bury and deny and hide until it can be said that we have actually LOST sight of our SELVES, our unique interiority, and we learn to be ashamed and afraid of our own desires and passions, sexual and otherwise, which we need to love and honor and respect.  And yet we so often don't, and we've been rendered strangers to our own spirits in some ways.  Some of the deep sadness that BBM evokes in us may be, I think, linked to this, and the love lost may just be our own.

Just personal rambling, my own Brokoholic thoughts. I'd sure like to hear what others think of this.  Peace, Iris

[BBMGrandma]

I've also been talking with my therapist about the BBM-effect for a few weeks now.  That's ALL we talk about

WOW.....Iris....seems perhaps you and I have the same therapist?  BTW....I had been going to my therapist for quite a while BBBM  <Before Brokeback Mountain> and believe it or not...this story has opened a whole bunch of 'doors' into my heart and soul that we had been trying to break through for a long long time.  Now we discuss these feelings and emotions and are able to relate them to a whole bunch of things that I've been keeping inside. 

 Deep, deep anguish, many  many tears. And one point I felt like I was crying for all the pain in the world. When I found myself weeping in the very beginning when Jake and Ennis begin up the mountain with the sheep, knowing they are ascending into paradise and all the pain that awaits them in their lives, . . . . I'm crying as I try to write this.

BINGO....I'm there with you.  So symbolic...their trek up that mountain.  I felt such JOY as I watched them moving slowly up their mountain....not KNOWING the first time I saw it....that it was leading them to SUCH love and SUCH DOOM!!   The second time I saw it was when the symbolism became so apparent.  I find myself crying...now....at some of the most inappropriate moments during the movie...KNOWING what is about to happen.  And yet I'm transfixed....waiting to experience the soft tender love between these two people. 

My emotions are still so very tender and raw.  Like an open wound into which I KEEP ON rubbing salt.  I find myself WANTING to relive these feelings....over and over again.  I'm sure these unbelievable gut wrenching emotions will subside....at least a little.  But I KNOW....and I'm being repititious when I say this....this story....this movie...these 'boys' will sit forever in my heart.
Nancy

[BBMGrandma]

OH dear....I haven't figured out yet how to use the "QUOTE" thingee on here.  Sorry...Iris...you and I are kinda jumbled up.      Hopefully all of you will figure out WHO said what...LOL  Besides....I can't find a better place to be jumbled up....NOR any better people!! 

Nancy <BBMGrandma>

[BBMGrandma]

Feel free to send me a bill for the counsleing services you all have provided me.  

Thanks,

J.

Let's see if I did this quote thing correctly...this time!!!  WOW....I think I did it!!  Anyway.....J...I hope you find answers to your questions about this feeling that we're all experiencing.  I'm soo very grateful to be in the company of all of you....and I'm learning SO very much by being here.  Hopefully you'll feel LOVE and comfort here J....and not just harsh realities. 
And BTW...it's "on the house"   
Nancy

[BBMGrandma]

And I thought that finding the others on this board meant I didn't need therapy :-)

.  I went to sleep with the soundtrack playing and awoke with such an overwhelming sense of well-being.  My first waking thought was that I was being held, wrapped securely in those shirts.  Obsessed?  If so, I hope it never passes.

Ooooooo LYNNE....what an absolutely wonderful scenario.  I closed my eyes after I read your post...and envisioned what you were experiencing.  If I share this dream I had the other night....will I sound crazy?  Well....I'll tell you anyway...!!
 I never liked the look of Jack...in his moustache.  It covered up the beautiful curve of his lips.  In my dream I had a HUGE patch of black hairs on my cheek.  About as big around as a quarter.  I didn't seem to mind it and went about my business as usual.  I was walking down a country road and JACK and ENNIS appeared in front of me.  Jack came right up to me and said....<laughingly>  "OMG...there it is Ennis...."  With that....both of them put their arms around me....sat me down on the dusty road...and began to pluck each hair out...one by one.  Ennis was sitting behind me....with his arms around me...and JACK was plucking away...grinning and showing his dimples.  Ennis kept saying...."don't worry....it won't hurt...."  Over and over again.  When Jack was through...he kissed my cheek soooooooo gently.  They both helped me up...smiled at me...Ennis kissed my nose and said..."There you go purty girl....go on your way now..."  And I woke up!!! 
GOD...it was soooo real.  I woke up with such a feeling of pure contentment and happiness.  As though these two were sent to let me know things were alright between the two of them. 
Oh dear....see?  Now I'M starting to cry again.  Be back in a few....<I need Kleenex>
Nancy

[iristarr]

Holy smoke, Nancy -- you were visited by the angels in your dream!  I did have a Jack-like figure who spoke to me in a dream (I wrote about it somewhere in these pages), but he didn't pluck out my dark whiskers! Very interesting!  I just came back from my dream group this evening, and am going to give your dream some heavy thought. Have you ever done any dream work with a group?  It's been a fruitful addition to my life these last eight months. Way to go, BBMgrandma, bring em all down. They seem to be our dream-guides, don't you think?  

[BBMGrandma]

Holy smoke, Nancy -- you were visited by the angels in your dream!

I sure seems like it....Iris!!! And it's a country road that I've walked down many many times.  And the hairs on my cheek were shaped like a thick paintbrush...hard and bristly!!  Or is that bristley?    And Jack plucked each one out soooo tenderly.  Each time....Ennis would say shhhhhhhhhhhh!!   It was more surreal than ANY dream I've ever had.  Perhaps those 'angels' were Ennis and Jack?  <big smile here> Isn't that a delightful thought?  ::::::aaaah...I can tell it's sleepy time...I'm rambling!!    
G'night fellow Brokaholics....sleep well...

Nancy

[iristarr]

Dear Nancy, It's so exciting to me that you had the "boys" in your dream like that, and that I had the Jack-like person too.  In the dreamwork that I've been doing, (Jungian stuff) we consider that all or most characters in our dreams can be seen as some aspect of our own selves.  In my own dream, I immediately identified Jack, but with some introspection I could also see another man I'd had in my life long ago, and I could also feel him to be some almost androgynous part of myself, like me when I was maybe 10-12 years old, before puberty, when I felt as whole and strong as I ever have in my life. Not sure I'm making sense here.  If I had had your dream, I think I would have seen Jack and Ennis as sweet caring parts of myself, the parts that love me and care for me and take care of me and feel affection for me. Parts that I'd forgotten I had, but am so overjoyed to re-discover and embrace again.  And so, good night, and sweet dreams, Iris.

[BBMGrandma]

Hi Fellow Brokaholics....

I had my 7th viewing of Brokeback Mountain today.  I was hesitant about going to a Friday afternoon show....it started at 3:30 and it's usually crowded in the theaters. Than goodness it wasn't toooo crowded and I found my usual isolated seat.  My wad of tissue clutched in my hand...at the ready.  The film started to unfold like a warm blanket around my shoulders.  I felt such comfort and warmth enveloping me.
  Now...I have to say...this feeling has been unheard of at my other viewings.  I'm usually nauseaus as I'm driving to the theater. I sink into my seat with a feeling of confusion swirling around my head.  Chills...apprehension...kind of a sinking feeling. When the first strains of the intro began....the tears would start flowing...profusely.  I'd spend the next 2 hours sobbing my heart out. 
 Today I had butterflies as I drove down my little country road to the movie....an excited sort of feeling...pleasant..happy.  I was about to spend a little over two hours with 'my boys'  I even had a big smile for the ticket taker.
  I hiked my way  to theater #10 and got comfy in my seat.  I put my head back...closed my eyes... and let the first few minutes of the film.......just wash over me.  I didn't feel the chill of that river....I felt the warmth of the sun.  I drank in the beauty and serenity....I saw the flowers....the craggy mountain peaks...the soft breezes wafting over me....caressing my skin.  I was transported into a world so full of love. 
  I cried softly today....my body wasn't wracked with sobs as it has been before.  The feelings....the regrets....the losses... are somehow changing inside myself.  The 'woulda's....the shoulda's....the coulda's' are turning into "I couldn't have....I did....and I tried my best' 
The scales are finally balancing...and in MY favor I should add. 

This self examination....this heart/gut wrenching experience....has opened ME to myself....more than I could ever have imagined.  The last month has been grueling....almost torturous...as I made this journey.  I've neglected family and friends.  My housekeeping has been non existent.  I've not even taken care of ME!!! 

Now I'm hoping that we can ALL get to that pinnacle.  I'm a long LONG way from resolving all the questions in my life.  But then....I think as life goes along....we acquire more questions.  I feel that questioning is a part of living.  We should never give that up....it's what keeps us ticking...don't you think? 

BTW.....<I digress> but has anyone else felt nauseous before they go into the theater? 

G'night fellow 'brokies'  Be well....and let's hold each other's hands...with LOVE!!!

Nancy

Brokeback Mountain will sit in my heart and soul...ALWAYS!!! 

[BBMGrandma]

had had your dream, I think I would have seen Jack and Ennis as sweet caring parts of myself, the parts that love me and care for me and take care of me and feel affection for me. Parts that I'd forgotten I had, but am so overjoyed to re-discover and embrace again.  And so, good night, and sweet dreams, Iris.

Hi Iris....
I DO think I had those feelings AS I was having the dream.  I know I felt warm....cozy....safe.  And re-discovering doesn't even come CLOSE to the realizations I've had the last few days.  I'm learning now that instead of crucifying myself for the things I HAVEN'T done....I'm comforting myself with the things I HAVE done. 
Whew....this is a HARD trip that we're on....huh?  It DOES take it's toll...but I'm convinced that it's all worth it...

Thanks to ALL of you!!!   
Night NOW.....be well!!   Nancy

[BBMGrandma]

.  I slept better a couple of nights ago than I have in years.  I went to sleep with the soundtrack playing and awoke with such an overwhelming sense of well-being.  My first waking thought was that I was being held, wrapped securely in those shirts.  Obsessed?  If so, I hope it never passes.

Isn't that a delicious feeling....Lynne?  That's how I felt in the movie today.  Do you feel, now, that's it still an obsession...Lynne?  As for myself....I am feeling LOVE!!  Just plain old LOVE....wrapping around me because of discoveries and peace.  I wanna HUG everybody!!! 

[karentx]

I finally found everyone !!!
I , like everyone else here, have been so haunted by this movie.  I don't know how else to put it.
I can't really talk about it to my family or friends either.  They haven't seen it, and probably won't.
What a loss for them.
This movie brought soooo many emotions to the surface for me.  I sobbed so many nights over
this movie.  I thought I was losing my mind.  These forums have been such a blessing for me.
I'm not alone out here.  I think it has hit us "mature" women have probably been more affected
because of the times we grew up in.
I have always, always picked Ennis's for relationships all through my life.
I am a Jack.  Always seeing the the possibilities in a positive way.  The Ennis types focused more
on the "why this might not work" side.  That is something they can't help.  I've mourned over
every one of the Ennis's in my life since seeing this movie (11 times).  Did I do all I could, etc?
I know I did.  I hope I did.  Trying to get through to that type of man can be very
emotionally devasting, for both parties.  I finally left the last relationship because we both
felt such pain.  He couldn't, or wouldn't change, and I tried to "settle", but it was not
very fulfilling.  This movie makes me wonder if I was right.  I don't know. 
They has to be another Jack out there looking for someone like me??
Maybe not, but I've come to terms with things now.  Sort of !!!!

[donnaread]

Hi Nancy,

Sorry I haven't logged in for awhile.  I have been reading all the reviews of BBM on Amazon...I'm in the 300s now, lol.  Some of those people make me so mad, but I'm happy to say that the majority of the reviews are very, very positive, by both homosexual AND straight people.  I will be more conscientious about logging in from now on.   Thanks for this forum, I really needed it.  Wish I had the courage to go and talk to a therapist about it, lol!  Donna

[Lynne]

Iris - I empathize with you about letting the checkbook balancing slide last month...I figure I can do laundry next month in that period between the movie closing and the DVD release.   Thank you for your thoughts about women and denying our true selves.  I think you are completely on target.  Much of my sadness/catharsis with this movie is about the ways my current life differs from my ideals - those life dreams I've lost sight of, by either actively denying/closeting them or by just letting time pass, becoming numb to that inner voice that guides us.  Your words 'stranger to our own spirits' I think are perfectly appropriate.

Nancy - I am fascinated and thrilled that you shared your dream with us!  It's beyond nice that someone else experienced something so similar.  I very rarely remember dream details so I think you're especially blessed for that reason...angel visitations indeed!  What do you think the black whiskers represent to you?  (BTW...if I'm being too nosy, no answer required...no harm/no foul)  I'm just curious as to how you interpreted it.  In my own experience, I thought that the sense of being hugged closely, the swaddling shirts, etc. were the Jack/Ennis components of myself loving me or maybe giving me permission to love and accept myself or something.

"The scales are finally balancing...and in MY favor I should add."  Did you notice that there is a kitchen scale in the scene at Jack's parents house?

"I feel that questioning is a part of living.  We should never give that up....it's what keeps us ticking...don't you think?"
I completely agree...it is the process of living and looking for the answers that is important.

I have never felt nauseous before going to the theater, more guilty anticipation and excitement to see what this next time will bring.  However, I have emerged with stomach in knots in the style of Ennis guts-twisting upon leaving Jack for the first time.

I hope everyone has a good day today.  I am planning to get those postcards in the mail (from a place that could be one of my personal BBM's - more on that later) then I'm taking a friend in Chattanooga to see the movie.  Yes, I'm still trying to find someone I know personally who will 'get it.'

One more random thought here...I just noticed that my quote is from 1963...I chose that quote 4 or 5 years ago for another purpose entirely...weird, huh?

Lynne

[iristarr]

Lynne, so good to hear from you and appreciate your comments about checkbooks and laundry (NOT).  I took myself for my weekly BBM fix last night (9th viewing).  Not so many tears in so many places, but I could really start to appreciate the film for the work of art I believe it to be. So very, very beautiful and finely crafted.  It was good just go bask in it, without anticipating any particular sweeping emotion.  No, I never have experienced the nausea thing, just the weeping and now the exciting thrill of anticipation when I drive over to the theatre. And gooseflesh at those first chords (I've been going alone for some weeks now, none of my local friends seeming to share my experience with it.)

And today I am cleaning up my place in preparation for a small Academy Awards party I'm having tomorrow (first time I've ever done that).  Listening to the CD, (skipping over the Linda Ronstadt), and just now, as I write, Brokeback Radio is playing the beautiful opening music to the film. What a gift! I'm climbing up to heaven.  May your journey be filled with joy.  Iris.  

[karentx]

Going through my first-of-month bills this morning, I discovered I never even balanced my bank statement last month! WO! -- it got buried on my desk while I neglected everything by Brokeback Mountain and its repercussions.  I did finally get my laundry put away the other day    

Some thoughts that went through my head since my last post:

I keep thinking about BBM and about the "closeting" of gay people, and how closeted and hidden even we straights can be, so often hiding our truest selves in efforts to please others: parents, teachers, religious (and other) authority figures, society's proscriptions and prohibitions.  I think women, at least women of my generation, may be particularly so affected, sometimes so much we don't even know ourselves quite who we are, or what we actually want out of life.  We can get frozen into rules that never quite fit us, but we compromise and bury and deny and hide until it can be said that we have actually LOST sight of our SELVES, our unique interiority, and we learn to be ashamed and afraid of our own desires and passions, sexual and otherwise, which we need to love and honor and respect.  And yet we so often don't, and we've been rendered strangers to our own spirits in some ways.  Some of the deep sadness that BBM evokes in us may be, I think, linked to this, and the love lost may just be our own.

Just personal rambling, my own Brokoholic thoughts. I'd sure like to hear what others think of this.  Peace, Iris

Very well put Iris.  I think you hit the nail on the head.
I am 58, and was raised in an undemonstrative home.  That was just the way it was then.  I learned from that, and
that was how I have lived.  I have to say I did get much better about that after I hit 50.  My parents are still
alive, and I make sure I hug them every time I see them.   
I've just never been lucky in the love department with men.... probably due to my own actions.  Sometimes I was a
Jack, and sometimes I was an Ennis.  Never seemed to get it right !!  Always at cross purposes.  Heck, I don't know
about you, but in my mind, I'm still a young woman.  Still have the same desires and dreams that I did at 21.
I don't think we should give those up.  I was ready to a couple of weeks ago.  This movie really had a powerful
affect on me.  All the things I should have done, and yes, not done.  I've gone through my grieving period, I think !
I believe I needed to.  I let that pain come blowing out.  Hard too.  I haven't cried that much since I was a
broken hearted teenager.  I'm going to make some changes in my life, and start living again.   I've let go of all
the regrets and resentment so I can move on to better things.  We never know wat might be around the
next corner.   We all need to start living again.

[BBMGrandma]

What do you think the black whiskers represent to you?  (BTW...if I'm being too nosy, no answer required...no harm/no foul)  I'm just curious as to how you interpreted it.  In my own experience, I thought that the sense of being hugged closely, the swaddling shirts, etc. were the Jack/Ennis components of myself loving me or maybe giving me permission to love and accept myself or something.

"The scales are finally balancing...and in MY favor I should add."  Did you notice that there is a kitchen scale in the scene at Jack's parents house?

"I feel that questioning is a part of living.  We should never give that up....it's what keeps us ticking...don't you think?"
I completely agree...it is the process of living and looking for the answers that is important.

I have never felt nauseous before going to the theater, more guilty anticipation and excitement to see what this next time will bring.  However, I have emerged with stomach in knots in the style of Ennis guts-twisting upon leaving Jack for the first time.


Lynne

Dear Lynne....I'm never held back about sharing experiences with all of you here.  This is my SAFE place...here with y'all  <BBM drawl...LOL>  I had the feeling of being freed...Lynne.  As though all the ugly things in my life were being plucked out...and Ennis' reassurance as he held me from behind....was my rock...my strength...my golden rod!!  <no pun intended... >  Ennis seemed to be my connection to life itself.  Jack, on the other side, felt like all the lovers I have ever had and screwed up.  His smiling at me was like a gate being opened to freedom from ALL the internal turmoil that I've carried with me all these years.  Sitting in the warm dirt on that road....felt SO warm and loving.  When Jack caressed my cheek...<after it was clear of all that ugliness> and smiled at me...it was like sunshine pouring over me.  Brightness...love....safety.  When Ennis helped me up onto my feet...it was freedom to go and be ME!!   It seemed like my first taste of PURE LOVE and freedom.  When Ennis said..."Go on now purty girl...go on your way now" I KNEW that I was free to love myself!!  I forgave myself for all the guilt I've felt over the years....as though EVERY broken relationship was my fault.  Whew...what a totally freeing feeling that was/is/will be!!  AT LAST!!  Thank you Heath and Jake....for being brave and wise enough to bring this to us!!  bouquets!!  They are ALL winners in MY BOOK!!!   

psssst...No I didn't notice the scales in that kitchen!!  Hmmmm....irony? 

[BBMGrandma]

I finally found everyone !!!

.  I thought I was losing my mind.  These forums have been such a blessing for me.
I'm not alone out here.  I think it has hit us "mature" women have probably been more affected
because of the times we grew up in.

YAYYYY....welcome Karen!!  and yes....I think we ALL thought we were losing our minds.  I SURE DID!!!  I kept saying to myself...OK Nance...you've finally gone over the edge.  WHEW....thank goodness I found ALL of you.  Thank goodness we found EACH other...!!!

.  This movie makes me wonder if I was right.  I don't know. 
They has to be another Jack out there looking for someone like me??
Maybe not, but I've come to terms with things now.  Sort of !!!!

Karen....for your own well being....I'll wager that you ARE right.  Now it's time to go take a peek....be brave...and find that Jack out there!!  Now that you've digested and thought about your 'Ennis' style....!!!  I've always been an Ennis too....whew...now I'm gonna combine Ennis and Jack...and try and put myself in a better place. 

BIG HUG....Nancy

[BBMGrandma]

And today I am cleaning up my place in preparation for a small Academy Awards party I'm having tomorrow (first time I've ever done that).  Listening to the CD, (skipping over the Linda Ronstadt), and just now, as I write, Brokeback Radio is playing the beautiful opening music to the film. What a gift! I'm climbing up to heaven.  May your journey be filled with joy.  Iris.  

WOW....Iris!!!  You rascal!!  You mean you're gonna CLEAN your house?  WHEW!!  I'm still waiting for the inspiration to hit me.     HECK...it's still raining...no need to mop my floor yet...is there?  LOL  <two giant PUPS running in and out...and four kitty kats>   

HOORAY for you that you're having a little 'get together' with your pals.  Now remember....NO arsenic in the punch for those who may comment negatively about our 'boys'   

Iris....what do you think of MY interpretation of my dream?  Anything close to what your thoughts are?   I'd love to hear your 'take'. 

LUCK to OUR MOVIE TONIGHT!!!   

Nancy

[BBMGrandma]

Hi Nancy,

Sorry I haven't logged in for awhile.  I have been reading all the reviews of BBM on Amazon...I'm in the 300s now, lol.  Some of those people make me so mad, but I'm happy to say that the majority of the reviews are very, very positive, by both homosexual AND straight people.  I will be more conscientious about logging in from now on.   Thanks for this forum, I really needed it.  Wish I had the courage to go and talk to a therapist about it, lol!  Donna

HOOORAY....you're back Donna!!  ::::clapping my hands:::: thought we lost ya somewhere!!  I, for one, can't stay in Amazon too long.  I get NUTS reading the derogatory remarks from some people.  I take it personally....as though they were talking about my brothers!!!  I wanna SLAP EM!!!   

Hopefully.....if ya hang in here with us....Donna....you'll figure out a lot of 'stuff'....huh? 

HUgssssssss.....Nancy

[karentx]

Nancy, as you and I have said in emails , this movie opened up so much in us that was pretty
scary.  Still don't understand some of it, but I believe that if we all can just talk about it
together, we can all come to an understanding of our fear's, heartaches's and regrets,
and hopefully figure out what we can do for ourselves.  Be a support for one another.
I have to believe there is something good to come into all of our lives for having seen
this movie.  An true understanding of ourselves.   

I would like to know where each of us lives.  I live in Austin, Texas.  I know Nancy lives
in Northern California. 

Let's get to know one another, and be a sounding board for each other !

[Lynne]

Dear Lynne....I'm never held back about sharing experiences with all of you here.  This is my SAFE place...here with y'all  <BBM drawl...LOL>  I had the feeling of being freed...Lynne.  As though all the ugly things in my life were being plucked out...and Ennis' reassurance as he held me from behind....was my rock...my strength...my golden rod!!  <no pun intended... >  Ennis seemed to be my connection to life itself.  Jack, on the other side, felt like all the lovers I have ever had and screwed up.  His smiling at me was like a gate being opened to freedom from ALL the internal turmoil that I've carried with me all these years.  Sitting in the warm dirt on that road....felt SO warm and loving.  When Jack caressed my cheek...<after it was clear of all that ugliness> and smiled at me...it was like sunshine pouring over me.  Brightness...love....safety.  When Ennis helped me up onto my feet...it was freedom to go and be ME!!   It seemed like my first taste of PURE LOVE and freedom.  When Ennis said..."Go on now purty girl...go on your way now" I KNEW that I was free to love myself!!  I forgave myself for all the guilt I've felt over the years....as though EVERY broken relationship was my fault.  Whew...what a totally freeing feeling that was/is/will be!!  AT LAST!!  Thank you Heath and Jake....for being brave and wise enough to bring this to us!!  bouquets!!  They are ALL winners in MY BOOK!!!   

psssst...No I didn't notice the scales in that kitchen!!  Hmmmm....irony? 
[/quote]

Here's my first experiment with the quote option....

Nancy,

Thank you for sharing your interpretation of the whiskers...I can completely relate.  What a beautiful thought to have your iniquities removed...it goes to a central theme of the movie - the ideas of redemption and forgiveness and self-love.  Life is too short to be burdened by unnecessary guilt.  You seem like such a neat woman.  I'm really looking forward to getting to know you.

This movie has inserted itself in my psyche in such an unusual and uncharacteristic way.  It's so hard (impossible?) to get most others to understand.  The friend I took on Saturday night 'liked it' but did not understand the ephiphany.  I started a post over in the area for our 'beyond bbm' with goals, etc...

There was a significant event this weekend that I believe means I'm ready to really live this story (of course, time will tell...)

I'm caring for an aging parent and I had very difficult scene with the staff doctor at her nursing facility on Sunday.  It really threw me off balance.  I have been feeling happy, very close to content, and unusually motivated for several weeks now, and *poof* - in one day, that serenity was lost.  The exciting thing, though, is that after I got over my initial emotional reaction, I was able to consider my options and make what I believe to be the best decision and that sense of balance was restored...Sunday afternoon thru Monday night.  Heretofore that would have been unprecedented...of late I've been one to agonize over the least decision weeks or months, not days.  This time, my point of view was simple...this is right, this is wrong...we will not stand for the wrong...therefore...my decision is x.

I hope to hear from you soon...take care and many more sweet dreams for us all.
Lynne

[BBMGrandma]

This time, my point of view was simple...this is right, this is wrong...we will not stand for the wrong...therefore...my decision is x.

I hope to hear from you soon...take care and many more sweet dreams for us all.
Lynne

Lynne....Lynne....what a HUGE first step you made.  I mean....HUGE!!!  Did you hear little noises in your head as this 'decision' was being programmed??  I'm kidding of course because I'm sitting here SMILING SO BIG!!!  I'm so very glad for you Lynne   

We're all so glad you're here with us...getting to know one another!! 

I hope everyone is reading all the other posts in the other forums.  Some VERY interesting stuff in there...

[BBMGrandma]

There ARE so many corners to turn....aren't there?  I've decided to take one at a time though....otherwise I'll be overwhelmed. 

The FIRST corner I'm going to turn....may sound simple to everyone else.  But to ME....it's a big one.  I need to GET MY BUTT in gear and stop hermiting in my house.  Ever since I've seen Brokeback Mountain I've honestly been staying inside other than going for 'supplies at the bridge'    and trips to the theater.  I've used every excuse I can think of....to all my friends.  "It's raining...."  "I don't feel well..."  "I'm not in the mood...."  ad nauseam.  I just haven't wanted to be around ANYONE who didn't understand my BBM obsession. I've GOT to stop that.  It's not healthy for me and my friends are starting to worry about me.  Someone even called and actually wanted me to go see a DIFFERENT movie.  I'm not sure I can do that...but I'm going to try my best.

So that's my first corner!!  Let's see how it works. 

I'm thoroughly convinced now though...that Brokeback Mountain is forever imbedded into my heart and soul.  And...by the way....so is our FORUM here.  Such wonderful people here who I don't want to lose. 

Much Love....Nancy 

[iristarr]

Hi Nancy, and all . . . Just a word or two on my own "turning the corner," which  happened the Tuesday after the Oscar Awards Day of Tears, and which I wrote about somewhere in these forums, but don't remember where. (LOL) I find I've "settled down" a bit from the euphoria of that day, and am looking now at the myriad possibilities before me. I finally got my laundry done, and made the chore lists and checked things off until I feel finally caught up after losing the month of February up on that mountain. I've begun to dream again, and the dreams seem to be speaking to making choices, and how I might do that, and what is obscuring or delaying my decision-making, and what I'm afraid to commit to, etc. etc.  Stuff like that.  Just another phase in the journey, I'm sure, but I know this group comes together to find ways to "get on with life" after the Brokeback experience, and I'm a little impatient with myself lately.  I'm waiting for some clear "sign" -- something I can know in my heart, and follow. How are you all doing out there with this kind of stuff?  Peace, Iris

[BBMGrandma]

-  Just another phase in the journey, I'm sure, but I know this group comes together to find ways to "get on with life" after the Brokeback experience, and I'm a little impatient with myself lately.  I'm waiting for some clear "sign" -- something I can know in my heart, and follow. How are you all doing out there with this kind of stuff?  Peace, Iris

And what a journey it is....huh Elaine?  It's opening SO many doors for all of us.  I can tell by all the wonderful 'steps' that each of us are relating to one another here...on our forum.  Can't WAIT for Philip to open a chat room for all of us!!  I can just 'hear' all of us now....all talking at the same time about a myriad of things.  What FUN that will be!! 

I've been talking to myself in my BLOG....here...Iris.  I seem to do better with my thoughts about my own journey when I just spit them out to myself.  Perhaps it's my deep-seeded need to stay in my own 'space' and hide from everyone as far as personal things go.  When I think about that though...it makes me laugh.  Here I am....hiding from everyone and yet spilling my guts to ALL!!!  As if no one is watching!!  Gee I confuse myself at times..

I'm taking each step on my journey up the mountain...ONE at a TIME!!  If I look at the whole picture it seems to overwhelm me. 

Right now I'm holding those reins loosely....letting my horse kinda just plod along. Taking in the smell of the mountains....the beauty of the river.  I don't want to rush any of this.  I want it to settle into my bones...softly.  I want to FEEL every change....every subtle nuance.  I feel that if I rush...my horse may lose his footing...and stumble.  I have Ennis and Jack by my side.  They're leading the way for me.  Humming a soft tune...carefully picking our way up that trail. 

"See ya in the mornin..."   Love to all....Nancy

[iristarr]

Nancy, Lynne, Donna, Juneaux --- Hey fellow journeywomen!  Let me tell you a couple of things that have happened to me along the road.

I attended a small gathering of friends on Saturday night, and there was a gentleman there who was a stranger to me; we introduced ourselves and established our mutual connections to the group, then sat down, as is the usual practice with this group, for an hour of meditation together, followed by a congenial potluck meal.  Now my hearing is not what it once was, and being at a table full of people all chattering away causes me to just space out, since I cannot distinguish voices.  However I find that my ear is finely tuned to the Brokeback Mountain frequency, and I caught a thread of conversation about the movie going on at one end of the table.  And I caught it good, and ended up in an intense, heart-to-heart sharing with this new person, of our mutual feelings and experiences with this film. The first time in all these weeks I've had that happen, to find a "soul-mate" (he said the word first) who could understand the depth of this work and the HUGE effect it seems to be having all over the world. WOW!  I was, needless to say, quite overcome. We parted with a big hug. And he was beautiful: 60-ish, gay, and black.  What more could I ask for?

So I came home, got on-line immediately and signed up with NetFlix and added all sorts of films that I want to see, all of Ang Lee's work, movies with Jake and Heath (I'd never seen either one of them before BBM), and Angels in America, and My Own Private Idaho, and the 5th season of Six Feet Under (I'm so craving to see David and Keith again).  And etc. etc.  Just rambling on in my excitement and good fortune.  Maybe this should be in a blog, but I haven't gotten around to that yet.  Enuf for now, and the best to you all . . . Iris

[BBMGrandma]

IRIS....as you once said..."HOW KEWL is that"     Finally you've found a pal to sit and talk with....laugh with...and smile with.  See?  You're BLOSSOMING...my friend!!  What could be better than that?  <well....perhaps ONE other thing...<wink wink>

I'm happy for you GIRL...you deserve and SHALL get...what you deserve in this life.
Bouquets to YOU...my pal.

Much Love....Nancy   

[Lynne]

Iris - that is wonderful news!  What a beautiful way to begin a new friendship! You go, girl!  Keep up that 'blossoming' to quote Nancy, and keep reaching for the sun!
Love,
Lynne

P.S.  Also am doing the netflix thing...saw October Sky this weekend and expect The Ice Storm this week :-)

[donnaread]

Nancy, Lynne, Donna, Juneaux --- Hey fellow journeywomen!  Let me tell you a couple of things that have happened to me along the road.

I attended a small gathering of friends on Saturday night, and there was a gentleman there who was a stranger to me; we introduced ourselves and established our mutual connections to the group, then sat down, as is the usual practice with this group, for an hour of meditation together, followed by a congenial potluck meal.  Now my hearing is not what it once was, and being at a table full of people all chattering away causes me to just space out, since I cannot distinguish voices.  However I find that my ear is finely tuned to the Brokeback Mountain frequency, and I caught a thread of conversation about the movie going on at one end of the table.  And I caught it good, and ended up in an intense, heart-to-heart sharing with this new person, of our mutual feelings and experiences with this film. The first time in all these weeks I've had that happen, to find a "soul-mate" (he said the word first) who could understand the depth of this work and the HUGE effect it seems to be having all over the world. WOW!  I was, needless to say, quite overcome. We parted with a big hug. And he was beautiful: 60-ish, gay, and black.  What more could I ask for?

So I came home, got on-line immediately and signed up with NetFlix and added all sorts of films that I want to see, all of Ang Lee's work, movies with Jake and Heath (I'd never seen either one of them before BBM), and Angels in America, and My Own Private Idaho, and the 5th season of Six Feet Under (I'm so craving to see David and Keith again).  And etc. etc.  Just rambling on in my excitement and good fortune.  Maybe this should be in a blog, but I haven't gotten around to that yet.  Enuf for now, and the best to you all . . . Iris

Iris, I'm so happy for you.  Would love to be able to have a conversation face to face with someone who appreciates BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN the way we do!  Maybe onces the DVD comes out it will happen.  Love ya, Donna

[juneaux]

Yea, Irisstarr!  I agree with Donna that it would be wonderful to find someone locally with whom I could discuss the impact of this movie.  Until I do you ladies are my Brokeback support system.   

[BBMGrandma]

Hi My friends....

I don't want to drag anyone down....but I need to share this with you...my friends. 
I JUST got home from San Francisco.  My DEAREST most loving friend in the WORLD...is very VERY ill and in the hospital.    We've been best pals for over 35 years.  Spent all day with him...and they STILL haven't figured out what is wrong.  He's 6'2" and is down to 112 lbs.  He's been losing weight STEADILY for the last 1-1/2 years but absolutely REFUSED to go to see a doctor.  Ayway....that's neither here nor there...at this point.  They're testing him for Cancer...Tuberculosis....HIV....and anything else they can think of.  His lymph nodes are ALL swollen...he's running a fever of 102.2.  I'm going NUTS here waiting and wondering.  He can't swallow....can't stand up!!  I'm sooo fearful I'm going to lose my best friend.    Just wanted to ask ALL of you to send ALL the healing vibes you can spare.  Tears are flowing again....but these are tears of pure sadness and sorrow.  I'll keep you all posted.  And BTW...he's gay AND Black.  He's always joked and said..."All I need now is to be Catholic...."  And we'd LAUGH ssoooooooo hard!!  <I'm catholic...btw>  He was soooo weak when I saw him today....it's breaking my heart!!     But he DID muster up enough strength to kiss my fingertips when I got there!!!  I LOVE THIS MAN!! 

Much Love to all....Nancy  <I NEED your hugs>

[Lynne]

Hey, there, Nancy - we're here to be supportive of each other - no more nonsense about being a 'downer'.  I'm so very sorry to hear about your very good friend's illness.  I'll definitely hold good thoughts for him in my heart.  Keep us posted as you get test results and learn more.  I'm sure it's a great comfort to him that you're able to be there with him.  Hang in there, and know we love you both.
-Lynne

[iristarr]

Hey Nancy, you can be sure you've got my love and prayers for healing going out through you to your dear friend.  LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE  coming through . . .  .

[BBMGrandma]

Thanks SO very much....I can FEEL those vibes coming through.  I didn't go to the hospital today.  I was SOO wiped out from yesterday.  But I'm keeping in touch with the hospital.  They moved him today from the ER...to intensive care.  Still no definitive diagnosis...!!!  He's got SO much 'stuff' goin on in his body....I'm sure it's hard to poinpoint the most crucial of his ailments.  He's weaker today than he was yesterday...and that makes me fearful.  But I'm keeping positive thoughts for my pal.  I HAVE to....!!
I'll drive to SF again tomorrow and start picking the brains of his attending Doctors.  I'm 'good' in hospitals.  I've spent SO much time over the years with my mother...hospitalized SOO many times...luckily I know how to 'work em' 
I wish I had some good news to convey to ya'll.....but right now...it's SOO very touch and go!!  All I DO KNOW....is that I'm heartsick and so afraid of losing my BESTEST PAL!!!
 Two or three times a week we'd get on the phone...and talk for hours about everything from soup to nuts.  He always got me up to date on 'things'....mainly world politics.  He's an extremely educated guy.  He was a code interpreter in the Air Force....speaks 7 languages....both his mom and dad were Professors in education.  He taught court reporting for many years.  I was always SO glad that he had come into my life.  Thirty Seven years of pure....loving...friendship.  I guess I have to take Ennis' advice..."If ya can't fix it.....you just gotta stand it!!"   I've always been able to fix stuff....I guess this time I can't.     Just hafta ride it...!! 

Talk soon my friends....MUCH LOVE....Nancy