Turning a corner

[BBMGrandma]

Holy smoke, Nancy -- you were visited by the angels in your dream!

I sure seems like it....Iris!!! And it's a country road that I've walked down many many times.  And the hairs on my cheek were shaped like a thick paintbrush...hard and bristly!!  Or is that bristley?    And Jack plucked each one out soooo tenderly.  Each time....Ennis would say shhhhhhhhhhhh!!   It was more surreal than ANY dream I've ever had.  Perhaps those 'angels' were Ennis and Jack?  <big smile here> Isn't that a delightful thought?  ::::::aaaah...I can tell it's sleepy time...I'm rambling!!    
G'night fellow Brokaholics....sleep well...

Nancy

[iristarr]

Dear Nancy, It's so exciting to me that you had the "boys" in your dream like that, and that I had the Jack-like person too.  In the dreamwork that I've been doing, (Jungian stuff) we consider that all or most characters in our dreams can be seen as some aspect of our own selves.  In my own dream, I immediately identified Jack, but with some introspection I could also see another man I'd had in my life long ago, and I could also feel him to be some almost androgynous part of myself, like me when I was maybe 10-12 years old, before puberty, when I felt as whole and strong as I ever have in my life. Not sure I'm making sense here.  If I had had your dream, I think I would have seen Jack and Ennis as sweet caring parts of myself, the parts that love me and care for me and take care of me and feel affection for me. Parts that I'd forgotten I had, but am so overjoyed to re-discover and embrace again.  And so, good night, and sweet dreams, Iris.

[BBMGrandma]

Hi Fellow Brokaholics....

I had my 7th viewing of Brokeback Mountain today.  I was hesitant about going to a Friday afternoon show....it started at 3:30 and it's usually crowded in the theaters. Than goodness it wasn't toooo crowded and I found my usual isolated seat.  My wad of tissue clutched in my hand...at the ready.  The film started to unfold like a warm blanket around my shoulders.  I felt such comfort and warmth enveloping me.
  Now...I have to say...this feeling has been unheard of at my other viewings.  I'm usually nauseaus as I'm driving to the theater. I sink into my seat with a feeling of confusion swirling around my head.  Chills...apprehension...kind of a sinking feeling. When the first strains of the intro began....the tears would start flowing...profusely.  I'd spend the next 2 hours sobbing my heart out. 
 Today I had butterflies as I drove down my little country road to the movie....an excited sort of feeling...pleasant..happy.  I was about to spend a little over two hours with 'my boys'  I even had a big smile for the ticket taker.
  I hiked my way  to theater #10 and got comfy in my seat.  I put my head back...closed my eyes... and let the first few minutes of the film.......just wash over me.  I didn't feel the chill of that river....I felt the warmth of the sun.  I drank in the beauty and serenity....I saw the flowers....the craggy mountain peaks...the soft breezes wafting over me....caressing my skin.  I was transported into a world so full of love. 
  I cried softly today....my body wasn't wracked with sobs as it has been before.  The feelings....the regrets....the losses... are somehow changing inside myself.  The 'woulda's....the shoulda's....the coulda's' are turning into "I couldn't have....I did....and I tried my best' 
The scales are finally balancing...and in MY favor I should add. 

This self examination....this heart/gut wrenching experience....has opened ME to myself....more than I could ever have imagined.  The last month has been grueling....almost torturous...as I made this journey.  I've neglected family and friends.  My housekeeping has been non existent.  I've not even taken care of ME!!! 

Now I'm hoping that we can ALL get to that pinnacle.  I'm a long LONG way from resolving all the questions in my life.  But then....I think as life goes along....we acquire more questions.  I feel that questioning is a part of living.  We should never give that up....it's what keeps us ticking...don't you think? 

BTW.....<I digress> but has anyone else felt nauseous before they go into the theater? 

G'night fellow 'brokies'  Be well....and let's hold each other's hands...with LOVE!!!

Nancy

Brokeback Mountain will sit in my heart and soul...ALWAYS!!! 

[BBMGrandma]

had had your dream, I think I would have seen Jack and Ennis as sweet caring parts of myself, the parts that love me and care for me and take care of me and feel affection for me. Parts that I'd forgotten I had, but am so overjoyed to re-discover and embrace again.  And so, good night, and sweet dreams, Iris.

Hi Iris....
I DO think I had those feelings AS I was having the dream.  I know I felt warm....cozy....safe.  And re-discovering doesn't even come CLOSE to the realizations I've had the last few days.  I'm learning now that instead of crucifying myself for the things I HAVEN'T done....I'm comforting myself with the things I HAVE done. 
Whew....this is a HARD trip that we're on....huh?  It DOES take it's toll...but I'm convinced that it's all worth it...

Thanks to ALL of you!!!   
Night NOW.....be well!!   Nancy

[BBMGrandma]

.  I slept better a couple of nights ago than I have in years.  I went to sleep with the soundtrack playing and awoke with such an overwhelming sense of well-being.  My first waking thought was that I was being held, wrapped securely in those shirts.  Obsessed?  If so, I hope it never passes.

Isn't that a delicious feeling....Lynne?  That's how I felt in the movie today.  Do you feel, now, that's it still an obsession...Lynne?  As for myself....I am feeling LOVE!!  Just plain old LOVE....wrapping around me because of discoveries and peace.  I wanna HUG everybody!!! 

[karentx]

I finally found everyone !!!
I , like everyone else here, have been so haunted by this movie.  I don't know how else to put it.
I can't really talk about it to my family or friends either.  They haven't seen it, and probably won't.
What a loss for them.
This movie brought soooo many emotions to the surface for me.  I sobbed so many nights over
this movie.  I thought I was losing my mind.  These forums have been such a blessing for me.
I'm not alone out here.  I think it has hit us "mature" women have probably been more affected
because of the times we grew up in.
I have always, always picked Ennis's for relationships all through my life.
I am a Jack.  Always seeing the the possibilities in a positive way.  The Ennis types focused more
on the "why this might not work" side.  That is something they can't help.  I've mourned over
every one of the Ennis's in my life since seeing this movie (11 times).  Did I do all I could, etc?
I know I did.  I hope I did.  Trying to get through to that type of man can be very
emotionally devasting, for both parties.  I finally left the last relationship because we both
felt such pain.  He couldn't, or wouldn't change, and I tried to "settle", but it was not
very fulfilling.  This movie makes me wonder if I was right.  I don't know. 
They has to be another Jack out there looking for someone like me??
Maybe not, but I've come to terms with things now.  Sort of !!!!

[donnaread]

Hi Nancy,

Sorry I haven't logged in for awhile.  I have been reading all the reviews of BBM on Amazon...I'm in the 300s now, lol.  Some of those people make me so mad, but I'm happy to say that the majority of the reviews are very, very positive, by both homosexual AND straight people.  I will be more conscientious about logging in from now on.   Thanks for this forum, I really needed it.  Wish I had the courage to go and talk to a therapist about it, lol!  Donna

[Lynne]

Iris - I empathize with you about letting the checkbook balancing slide last month...I figure I can do laundry next month in that period between the movie closing and the DVD release.   Thank you for your thoughts about women and denying our true selves.  I think you are completely on target.  Much of my sadness/catharsis with this movie is about the ways my current life differs from my ideals - those life dreams I've lost sight of, by either actively denying/closeting them or by just letting time pass, becoming numb to that inner voice that guides us.  Your words 'stranger to our own spirits' I think are perfectly appropriate.

Nancy - I am fascinated and thrilled that you shared your dream with us!  It's beyond nice that someone else experienced something so similar.  I very rarely remember dream details so I think you're especially blessed for that reason...angel visitations indeed!  What do you think the black whiskers represent to you?  (BTW...if I'm being too nosy, no answer required...no harm/no foul)  I'm just curious as to how you interpreted it.  In my own experience, I thought that the sense of being hugged closely, the swaddling shirts, etc. were the Jack/Ennis components of myself loving me or maybe giving me permission to love and accept myself or something.

"The scales are finally balancing...and in MY favor I should add."  Did you notice that there is a kitchen scale in the scene at Jack's parents house?

"I feel that questioning is a part of living.  We should never give that up....it's what keeps us ticking...don't you think?"
I completely agree...it is the process of living and looking for the answers that is important.

I have never felt nauseous before going to the theater, more guilty anticipation and excitement to see what this next time will bring.  However, I have emerged with stomach in knots in the style of Ennis guts-twisting upon leaving Jack for the first time.

I hope everyone has a good day today.  I am planning to get those postcards in the mail (from a place that could be one of my personal BBM's - more on that later) then I'm taking a friend in Chattanooga to see the movie.  Yes, I'm still trying to find someone I know personally who will 'get it.'

One more random thought here...I just noticed that my quote is from 1963...I chose that quote 4 or 5 years ago for another purpose entirely...weird, huh?

Lynne

[iristarr]

Lynne, so good to hear from you and appreciate your comments about checkbooks and laundry (NOT).  I took myself for my weekly BBM fix last night (9th viewing).  Not so many tears in so many places, but I could really start to appreciate the film for the work of art I believe it to be. So very, very beautiful and finely crafted.  It was good just go bask in it, without anticipating any particular sweeping emotion.  No, I never have experienced the nausea thing, just the weeping and now the exciting thrill of anticipation when I drive over to the theatre. And gooseflesh at those first chords (I've been going alone for some weeks now, none of my local friends seeming to share my experience with it.)

And today I am cleaning up my place in preparation for a small Academy Awards party I'm having tomorrow (first time I've ever done that).  Listening to the CD, (skipping over the Linda Ronstadt), and just now, as I write, Brokeback Radio is playing the beautiful opening music to the film. What a gift! I'm climbing up to heaven.  May your journey be filled with joy.  Iris.  

[karentx]

Going through my first-of-month bills this morning, I discovered I never even balanced my bank statement last month! WO! -- it got buried on my desk while I neglected everything by Brokeback Mountain and its repercussions.  I did finally get my laundry put away the other day    

Some thoughts that went through my head since my last post:

I keep thinking about BBM and about the "closeting" of gay people, and how closeted and hidden even we straights can be, so often hiding our truest selves in efforts to please others: parents, teachers, religious (and other) authority figures, society's proscriptions and prohibitions.  I think women, at least women of my generation, may be particularly so affected, sometimes so much we don't even know ourselves quite who we are, or what we actually want out of life.  We can get frozen into rules that never quite fit us, but we compromise and bury and deny and hide until it can be said that we have actually LOST sight of our SELVES, our unique interiority, and we learn to be ashamed and afraid of our own desires and passions, sexual and otherwise, which we need to love and honor and respect.  And yet we so often don't, and we've been rendered strangers to our own spirits in some ways.  Some of the deep sadness that BBM evokes in us may be, I think, linked to this, and the love lost may just be our own.

Just personal rambling, my own Brokoholic thoughts. I'd sure like to hear what others think of this.  Peace, Iris

Very well put Iris.  I think you hit the nail on the head.
I am 58, and was raised in an undemonstrative home.  That was just the way it was then.  I learned from that, and
that was how I have lived.  I have to say I did get much better about that after I hit 50.  My parents are still
alive, and I make sure I hug them every time I see them.   
I've just never been lucky in the love department with men.... probably due to my own actions.  Sometimes I was a
Jack, and sometimes I was an Ennis.  Never seemed to get it right !!  Always at cross purposes.  Heck, I don't know
about you, but in my mind, I'm still a young woman.  Still have the same desires and dreams that I did at 21.
I don't think we should give those up.  I was ready to a couple of weeks ago.  This movie really had a powerful
affect on me.  All the things I should have done, and yes, not done.  I've gone through my grieving period, I think !
I believe I needed to.  I let that pain come blowing out.  Hard too.  I haven't cried that much since I was a
broken hearted teenager.  I'm going to make some changes in my life, and start living again.   I've let go of all
the regrets and resentment so I can move on to better things.  We never know wat might be around the
next corner.   We all need to start living again.