Author Topic: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?  (Read 22034 times)

moremojo

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #40 on: April 19, 2007, 01:35:43 pm »
Thats what i want though, the Romance and the sex. I want to experience all of that but with someone i love and more imprtantly who loves me. I think that is what has been lacking my whole life.
I want that tenderness of the dozy embrace or in the hotel room.
I want love and fulfillment. Who doesn't though?
All of these things are definitely worth pursuing. There is beauty and meaning in the pursuit, even if perhaps we won't necessarily all obtain that which we desire. (I'm writing as someone who has so far been "unlucky" in these areas).

That is why I was trying to emphasize, to myself as much as to anyone else reading, the importance of all the forms that love can take. The romantic and sexual faces of love are so powerful and rich that we can lose sight of the perhaps cooler but no less important aspects of love between friends or love between family members. And in those areas, I haven't been "unlucky" at all--just the opposite!

I really do hope, Lee, that you find the fulfillment that you seek and deserve as a human being. I believe that is an experience of which all people should at least taste a glimmer at some point in their lives.

Offline Artiste

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #41 on: April 19, 2007, 02:28:21 pm »
Thanks moremojo !

Like Lee and I, you must have had a similar experience to ours??

You will surely.

Seeking that is important too, right!! ??

Hugs!!


moremojo

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #42 on: April 19, 2007, 06:42:37 pm »
Hi again, Artiste--

I have had the privilege of becoming intimate with some very wonderful, special people in my day, but the closest I have come to falling in passionate, head-over-heels love (the kind of love we associate with Jack and Ennis) was back in 1990, when I was twenty-three and had been out for only a little over a year. I met a very handsome, very masculine fellow who was a little older than me, but who was only then coming to terms with his homosexuality--he had had experiences with women, but never with a man.

I became his first male lover when we started dating that year. I was very sexually attracted to this guy, though from early on I could tell there were some fundamental differences, possibly even incompatibilites between us. I overlooked all this in light of the strong animal passion I felt for him, in addition to those qualities that he possessed and that I felt I lacked: confidence, strength, and courage. In short, he seemed like a man of the world, while I still felt like a timid teenage kid on the inside.

After a month of dating, he abruptly broke off relations with me, citing political incompatibility ( ???) and the fact that he no longer found me attractive. Tact and empathy were not among this fellow's strong suits. I felt devastated...bewildered, hurt, angry, insulted, and lovelorn, all rolled into one. I had really come to have strong feelings for this man; in fact, I felt that I had fallen in love with him.

This was the beginning of a long grieving process that lasted about a year. Friends and family were astonished by the intensity of my reaction, as was my ex-boyfriend, since I had only known this guy for one month. Surely, they reasoned, one month was not long enough to fall in love with somebody. And yet, here I was, having those feelings that I could only name as love.

Looking back on this episode, I recognize how immature I was in so many ways at that time, and that a lot of my response had to do with a deep-seated lack of self-esteem. Being rejected by someone who seemed to have so much going for him, who seemed to have it all together, just brought it to the fore. And yet there was love there, too...there simply had to be, in spite of the protestations of those around me that this could not be so. I don't know how "genuine" or "deep" the love might have been, compared to what others have experienced, but I still recognize this as the closest I have come to bearing witness to what falling in love feels like.

I have gone on at such length to say that, in a way, I think I've had some experiences similar to what you and Lee have described. And I certainly know how much I yearn for that special bond, that meeting of souls that Ennis and Jack enjoyed, that kind of union that might be described as Love as its Grandest and Highest Expression.

Offline Artiste

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #43 on: April 19, 2007, 09:18:28 pm »
Thanks moremojo!

Wow, wow, your true story is overwhelming!! I say that since I had a similar story when I was young,
falling in love with a neighbour nearly my age, but even if I slept in his bed, we never had sex and to this day I do not know if he is a gay man!! That was tough to take and still is somewhat so as a memory!

I have had many sexual experiences since, thank goodness. And some very good friendships. Even one I considered my lover (who is now deceased).

I long for that joy between Ennis and Jack again I had, and seek it now!!

Thanks very much moremojo and may you find your partner/lover/pal!!

Hugs!!

Offline loneleeb3

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #44 on: April 20, 2007, 12:17:36 pm »
All of these things are definitely worth pursuing. There is beauty and meaning in the pursuit, even if perhaps we won't necessarily all obtain that which we desire. (I'm writing as someone who has so far been "unlucky" in these areas).

That is why I was trying to emphasize, to myself as much as to anyone else reading, the importance of all the forms that love can take. The romantic and sexual faces of love are so powerful and rich that we can lose sight of the perhaps cooler but no less important aspects of love between friends or love between family members. And in those areas, I haven't been "unlucky" at all--just the opposite!

I really do hope, Lee, that you find the fulfillment that you seek and deserve as a human being. I believe that is an experience of which all people should at least taste a glimmer at some point in their lives.

Well, I've tasted the glimmer and I want the whole light show!
I'm just afraid I am too old, jaded, un-attractive and carrying toooooo much baggage to ever get it.
I do have some wonderful friends and a great family but it's not the same, it's not enough for me.
I need to be needed, loved etc. That part of the problem in my marriage, for the last 12 yrs I have been starving for affection.
Alos, if I ever do get it I know I'm going to lose some of the family and friends I have now.
"The biggest obstacle to most of us achieving our dreams isn't reality, it's our own fear"

"Saint Paul had his Epiphany on the road to Damascus, Mine was on Brokeback Mountain"

Scott6373

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #45 on: April 20, 2007, 12:23:46 pm »
Well, I've tasted the glimmer and I want the whole light show!
I'm just afraid I am too old, jaded, un-attractive and carrying toooooo much baggage to ever get it.


Get over this.  You know in your heart of hearts that it is not true, you're using it as an excuse.  You have great worth, and lots to give someone, who knows how to accept it.


Alos, if I ever do get it I know I'm going to lose some of the family and friends I have now.


Fact is, if they cut you off because of this, are they really the kind of people you want around you?  The honest attempt at being the authentic you is the toughest, bravest, and most rewarding work you can do.

Offline loneleeb3

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #46 on: April 20, 2007, 01:22:41 pm »
Get over this.  You know in your heart of hearts that it is not true, you're using it as an excuse.  You have great worth, and lots to give someone, who knows how to accept it.
Friend, I'm just not as convinced. But I have spent many years in guilt and denial beating myself up and down as well as pushing my true feelings as far down as I could. It may take a lot of time to get over it.
I have a lot of learning to do as well as catcing up in a small amount of time.
"The biggest obstacle to most of us achieving our dreams isn't reality, it's our own fear"

"Saint Paul had his Epiphany on the road to Damascus, Mine was on Brokeback Mountain"

Offline LauraGigs

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #47 on: April 20, 2007, 01:26:51 pm »
"By making yourself more open emotionally in general, you allow that healing energy of love to flow more freely, and it can reward you sometimes in surprising ways."

Jesus — you are so wise, Moremojo.  I've always enjoyed your posts ever since your first one on IMDB.  I'm so looking forward to getting to meet you in Colorado!!    :-*

Scott6373

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #48 on: April 20, 2007, 01:28:00 pm »
Friend, I'm just not as convinced. But I have spent many years in guilt and denial beating myself up and down as well as pushing my true feelings as far down as I could. It may take a lot of time to get over it.
I have a lot of learning to do as well as catcing up in a small amount of time.


All the feelings you have are normal, but one day...probably soon, you will realize that ultimately the gulit will accomplish nothing, other than allowing you to make the positive changes you need to, and that you already are making.  I tink you're well on your way, but don't go so fast...everything in its time

moremojo

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #49 on: April 20, 2007, 02:03:04 pm »
I'm so looking forward to getting to meet you in Colorado!!    :-*
:-* and  :D  to the nth degree!