Author Topic: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?  (Read 22021 times)

Offline Artiste

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #50 on: April 20, 2007, 03:42:29 pm »
Lee: Guilt is mainly a waste of time as said, indeed, when you did nothing wrong!!
But I feel something like guilt at times for not having been married and  for not having a child or children,
and I know that I did my very best to make myself happy and to create that happiness to with others
!! So, I feel that you are lucky in many wondrous ways!!

You will be more and more happy, that is the aim for you and for everyone!!

You will get that, as you are starting to create happiness, by working at it!!

Always glad to get your news Lee,

Hugs!!


Offline Br. Patrick

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #51 on: April 23, 2007, 04:13:58 am »
No one has mentioned the incredibly intimate non-sexual love a gay guy can have with a WOMAN.   I won't say it, but they used to call them FH's.  Sadly, I lost my girlFriend of 9 years when I took her to see BBM last year on January 26.  I know this hit on unresolved issues in her marriage because I knew her so well.  This Easter she sent me an Internet Easter Greeting Card.  I replied that I was just about in the same place I was when we were last together.   Then I gave her the URL for this thread.   She never wrote back.

For some reason this is typical for me.  I have these really close intimate non-sexual relationships with women and then they end abruptly.   It's been that way since High School.   In many ways, Lynne Steele has been a really special friend as she drew me out kicking and screaming from my Loner status.  Then she introduced me to the wonderful people here on Bettermost.  The weird thing is we both registered on the same date, me about 5 hours before she did.  She is a WONDERFUL person as is Milli, the artist who does the incredible fan-art.  I've developed cyber-relationships with these women that are about as close to the real thing as it is possible.   Don't know how I would be if I never had met them!

Bottom line:  GirlFriends are one of the best things about being gay!

Peace  :D
br. patrick
Lean on me, let our hearts beat in time,
Feel strength from the hands that have held you so long.
Who cares where we go on this rugged old road
In a world that may say that we're wrong.

...Cause I know - A love that will never grow old.

Gustavo Santaolalla & Bernie Taupin

Offline Artiste

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #52 on: April 23, 2007, 09:41:22 pm »
Sure Br. Patick, a lady friend is great!

So is a straight and/or a gay man too!!

If you are a gay man, it is posible to have a great gay pal too!!

Even some...

hugs!

Offline Br. Patrick

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #53 on: July 02, 2007, 04:19:30 am »
I've had one BIG change that all of you helped me with.   I used to think my Epitaph was REGRET.   I would only remember things about my past that fired up this pathological (in me) feeling called REGRET.   But I am making progress.   My feelings toward my past have changed...


My new Epitaph is "I SURVIVED"

All of you helped me get to this milestone and I thank you all for your caring support!

hugs~
br. patrick ;)

And!  My GirlFriend of 10 years and I have had a reunion.  We both are astonished that we ever broke up!  But it wasn't her fault, it was mine.   I went into months of complete isolation after we broke up.   Then along came Lynne Steele and the rest pulling me out of my pit and into the light of caring people.

Indeed, Brokeback got me good!    and it sure ain't over...
Lean on me, let our hearts beat in time,
Feel strength from the hands that have held you so long.
Who cares where we go on this rugged old road
In a world that may say that we're wrong.

...Cause I know - A love that will never grow old.

Gustavo Santaolalla & Bernie Taupin

Offline Br. Patrick

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #54 on: July 02, 2007, 10:17:54 pm »
BTW, I am a 65 y/o straight woman with 2 children and a grandchild.  It affected me like no other movie I have ever seen.  I have been analyzing that emotion for a long time but I think it is regret and loss - which is a universal experience.
Merrily

Your homespun attributes are just like so many people here.  There are quite a few 'Grandmothers' and Bettermost has been made a better place because of their presence.   Thanks for responding.  Your words have comforted me.

Hugs~ :)
br. patrick
Lean on me, let our hearts beat in time,
Feel strength from the hands that have held you so long.
Who cares where we go on this rugged old road
In a world that may say that we're wrong.

...Cause I know - A love that will never grow old.

Gustavo Santaolalla & Bernie Taupin

Offline TheravadaAskesis

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #55 on: July 02, 2007, 11:21:21 pm »

 Br. Patrick,

 I'm happy you've reunited with your GirlFriend (I think the new PC term for FH is queer magnet :D). I'm currently needing to do the same. Emily and I have been friends since we were 14 (now we're 28) and we lived together for 6 years, but it's almost a year since we've hung out on a regular basis and weeks since we've seen each other at all. I don't know where this urge for self-isolation comes from but it's strong. I think the urge to cut off and not acknowledge the people who are important to us has something to do with a fear of our own emotions. It's part of the reason I can identify with Ennis so strongly. It's also the reason watching the movie kicks the crap out of me everytime. It reminds that I need to move forward a change myself, to not be so isolated and afraid. But it's not as easy as it sounds. It's one thing to know something consciously and on an intellectual level, it's quite another to actually follow through emotionally. Even writing this post is difficult, I know the response will not be negative, but the fear is still there. I think one of the great things I've learned from Brokeback is to acknowledge that the fear is there. It allows me to make a conscious choice about whether or not to allow it to make decisions for me. Not an easy choice, but at least the choice exists. Breaking patterns of behavior is difficult, but as my therapist told me taking the difficult choice and overcoming the fear should get easier over time. Meanwhile it's best to just constantly remind ourselves that we are worthwhile until we start to believe it for ourselves. I'm not sure if any of this applies to you, and forgive me if I've overstepped my boundaries, but your honesty inspired me to be honest too. I hope things continue to get better for you. "I Survived" is a great epitaph to have.

                                                                  TheravadaAskesis

                                 

Offline Br. Patrick

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #56 on: July 03, 2007, 12:49:11 pm »
Br. Patrick,
I don't know where this urge for self-isolation comes from but it's strong. I think the urge to cut off and not acknowledge the people who are important to us has something to do with a fear of our own emotions. It's part of the reason I can identify with Ennis so strongly. It's also the reason watching the movie kicks the crap out of me everytime. It reminds that I need to move forward a change myself, to not be so isolated and afraid. But it's not as easy as it sounds. It's one thing to know something consciously and on an intellectual level, it's quite another to actually follow through emotionally. Even writing this post is difficult, I know the response will not be negative, but the fear is still there. I think one of the great things I've learned from Brokeback is to acknowledge that the fear is there. It allows me to make a conscious choice about whether or not to allow it to make decisions for me. Not an easy choice, but at least the choice exists. Breaking patterns of behavior is difficult, but as my therapist told me taking the difficult choice and overcoming the fear should get easier over time. Meanwhile it's best to just constantly remind ourselves that we are worthwhile until we start to believe it for ourselves. I'm not sure if any of this applies to you, and forgive me if I've overstepped my boundaries, but your honesty inspired me to be honest too. I hope things continue to get better for you. "I Survived" is a great epitaph to have.

                                                                  TheravadaAskesis

                                 

You and I have a lot in common.  I couldn't have expressed better how fear and isolationism can sabotage our chances of a better life.   Stop being a Tourist.   Sign In.    This a really great place to just be yourself.

peace~
br. patrick
Lean on me, let our hearts beat in time,
Feel strength from the hands that have held you so long.
Who cares where we go on this rugged old road
In a world that may say that we're wrong.

...Cause I know - A love that will never grow old.

Gustavo Santaolalla & Bernie Taupin

Offline Clyde-B

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #57 on: July 03, 2007, 02:07:01 pm »
   Meanwhile it's best to just constantly remind ourselves that we are worthwhile until we start to believe it for ourselves. 

                                 

I remember this.  Wanting proof that I was worthwhile.  Wanting to be loved as proof that I was lovable, that I should be loved.  How does anyone prove that?

And then I discovered I was asking the wrong question.

The question I was askiing was: "How do I believe I'm worthwhile."  "How do I believe in myself?"

The real question was "Why had I stopped believing it?" 

I could vaguely remember a time when I did believe.  And then people had started saying things and I began to doubt.  All these years I had complained about the terrible things said and done.  And it suddenly hit me.  The problem wasn't what they had said.  It wasn't what they had done.  The problem was that I had believed them.  They were older.  They were wiser.  They must know.

With their own problems and battles to get what they wanted out of life, I had been suckered into believing them over believing in myself.  They had enlisted me as my own enemy.

Who is right about you?  Who are you going to give the power to make that decision?


 

Offline Clyde-B

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #58 on: July 04, 2007, 09:02:49 am »
Clyde, boy can I identify with that.  I think my self-esteem was so vulnerable to negativity, that the least little thing tipped me over the line.  I'm too sensitive - I began to believe that I wasn't worthy.  It all started when I was a kid, but as I got older I pulled myself out of the hole I'd been in out of my sheer will.  I think back when I was "on top of the world" and wonder how I got there and what took me back down there.  It took only one person and one word.    Thanks for that image.  That helps so much Clyde.  How much do I owe you for the therapy session? 

Thanks, Merr.

If it helped you, I'm very glad.

Seeing the power of my own fear and realizing that I was actually letting other people define who I was to me, was such a big epiphany, that I share it whenever I thnk it might help. 

Offline Artiste

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Re: What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
« Reply #59 on: October 04, 2007, 05:57:26 pm »
BM still tears me up!!

Guess because life is hard??

Even for gays in Canada and the USA??

Or??

Hugs!!