Our BetterMost Community > Chez Tremblay
just wanted to tell my story and hear yours
maggiesmommy GayLee:
Thank you so much. For seeing and acknowledging my total transformation. I struggle trying to tell people about this life change. Not many on the ouside see what i am trying to say and the magnitude of it. J ,,what a special person, and yes, even in death he is teaching me so many lessons about love, forgiveness and acceptance. I learned that its ME that needs the accpeptance..not the other way around. He has brought me here, to finish and finalize the process...refine it, so to speak. And although i cant see him, I can feel him everytime I watch BBM...I would just LOVE to be able to talk with him about it...My dgrt in law and I had a long talk about it when she was here on Saturday..i was surprised to find out that she had not seen BBM...she said she was afraid to watch it, that all the feelings about J were too raw..I told her about the impact the movie had on me and so many others and she was surprised..she is so used to the mainstream response that all of this just shocked her...i told her about these boards and the people i have met here and she was really moved...i told her that i have the CD, so when she is ready we will watch it together. She cried and hugged me and i think we will be seeing it together soon...She said she could really see the change that the movie made in me..even moe that i was changing on my own..we both agreed that we wish J was there so we could talk to him...when she asked if I "liked" the movie..i told her she had NO idea how much more it was than just a movie...
Death , curious as it may seem, is not the end. I know this, but that is all i know. I want so badly to believe that we really do go to a place of peace and love. I have a very hart time any more believing all the things i was taught, because that belief system has been so totally damaged of late, but I know there is something there..that we are still surrounded by the ones we love even though they are not right here to see and touch. I so feel you pain about your dad. I believe he would have accepted you and loved you. I believe your "encounters" are him telling you just that..you are very fortunate to have the insight to recognize his attempts to "speak" to you.
Thank you for sharing your story with me..I will be more aware and open to seeing J's attempts to reach out to me...even in the little details of everyday life...
And thank you for seeing that i really DO get it, and that it is not just lip service....i have to look for ways to use this new found understanding and mind set, and every chance I get I tell people about it...you, know, you can only try to change the world one person at a time, and that is my mission for as long as i have breath...
Love
GayLee
TJ:
maggiesmommy,
Thanks for sharing your story about your relationship with "J." I see that he became a member of your family of choice; although you were not actually related.
You mentioned his problem with substance abuse. I have known some people, not just gays, whose problems with substance abuse, drugs and alcohol, were actually related to a spiritual conflict in their lives. And, the spiritual conflict did come from being abused, directly or indirectly, by those who were supposed to be "Christians."
The use of drugs and/or alcohol eased the guilt trip that had been heaped upon them because of their being different or not being able to live up to the standards their families or their famliies' churches wanted them to live by.
Since my parents raised me to believe that just because a person said something was a sin and one should feel guilty if he did that sin, that did not actually make it a sin, especially if it was not in the Bible in the first place.
I can understand how you feel the presence of "J" at times. I just say that the loving spirit that a person had for his family and friends before he died just stays behind with those whom he loved.
On occasion, I want to look over my right shoulder and say, "Yes, Ed, I see what you were talking about" when something reminds me of what he said. At the club, I usually stood directly in front of him with his left boot toe between the heels of my boots, so that we could talk and understand each other because of the loud music. In my memory of dreams, I can only remember one dream with him in it; but, I don't remember the details. I have a Westminster Chime wall clock which he paid for but we considered a joint purchase. It does not chime just like it used to, it's one of those battery wound clocks; but, sometimes the pendulum swings more than others or it does not swing at all. I don't understand that at all; it does still keep accurate time.
maggiesmommy GayLee:
there is just SO much we don't know. I truly beileve we use a very small percantage of the gifts we are given in realtion to understanding all the layers of this life...
can you tell me more about Ed...i'd really like to hear about him...
gay
TJ:
I have little bits and pieces about Ed in many discussion threads here on BetterMost.
If you know what Dennis Weaver, the actor, looked like, Eldred "Ed" Pursell looked a whole lot like him. Ed had no middle name and when he was growing up in SE Missouri as a teen, asked people to call him "Ed" instead of Ed. When I told him the Gregory Peck's legal first name was also "Eldred," he liked that.
Ed had been born in Alabama and after he grew up in Missouri, he married a woman who had a son and a daughter. They had known each other while they were growing up and he loved her as a friend; but, he should never have married a woman. One time, I met a gay guy here in Tulsa, while I was still living with Ed in N. Hollywood, and he said he also grew up in the same community as Ed but he was a whole lot younger than Ed. That guy said he had gotten married because in that area, it was just expected that a young man would get married, which he also did.
Ed did have a son and two daughters who were his biologically; but, his wife got pregnant by another man when they were separated one time. Ed's name was put on the birth certificate as the father. But, Ed loved all of his children and her children, too. Linda, the stepdaughter who was the eldest, told me that Ed was the only father she knew and no one could have been a better father than he was. She got married at 17 and apparently that was at about the time Ed got a divorce.
After Ed got a divorce, he moved to stay with one of his older sisters in N. California in 1967. That was about the same time I went to Vietnam, same year anyway. He was there for a while before he moved to Hollywood.
maggiesmommy GayLee:
He sounds really special...and i think Dennis Weaver just go thotter an dhotter as he got older..!!! And Ed is form the modwest!! a soul brother...
i know you miss him...was he ill?
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